The Filthy Saint
It's filthy.
Milosi and I were guided by Nella to our respective rooms. After he left—having grown noticeably pensive at the sight of my quarters, which were practically a palace compared to his own—I immediately dashed for the bed and flopped face-first onto it.
How had I never realized just how precious a soft touch could be?
“Ugh… why am I so exhausted today of all days?”
Nella opened the windows the moment she arrived and began airing out the room. A breeze carrying the gentle warmth of the imperial capital—mild through every season—slipped past the dancing curtains and tickled my cheek.
“I-I’m sorry… It feels like you’ve been dragged into far too many incidents on my account, Saintess, right after arriving in the capital…”
This time Nella straightened the books that had toppled inside the bookshelf and gave me a deep bow. Wow. She really is diligent.
“Don’t worry about it. Ever since I ended up like this, I don’t think there’s been a single day I haven’t been swept up in some kind of incident.”
Saying it out loud made me realize anew just how little peace I’d known. Possessed by the body of a dead saint whose identity I couldn’t even guess at. No sooner had I awakened than I was thrown into a war and had to fight the demon race. And now the Church itself was stepping forward to appoint me as a saint…
Yeah… I can’t even begin to imagine what fresh hell is coming next.
“S-Saintess, preparations are complete.”
Nella sat primly in the chair before the round table in the center of the room and opened a book.
“Oh, uh, good, good. You worked hard.”
“Y-Yes! Thank you!”
……
Thank you for what, exactly?
“Um… what exactly is finished?”
I still don’t know where she found the joy, but Nella beamed at my question and answered brightly.
“It means today’s lesson preparations are finished, Saintess.”
Ah. Right. The lesson.
From the very beginning, Nella Mamrad had introduced herself as something like a tutor who would teach me the knowledge required for the canonization ceremony and for becoming a saint. But I hadn’t the faintest idea what a tutor actually did. Back when I was a snot-nosed child in the imperial palace, the only thing I understood was that ‘it was something every prince except me had.’ And after my mother died of illness, had I ever actually studied at all? Did swinging an axe thousands of times a day just to survive on the frontier count as studying? Brainstorming tactics with my comrades on how to thoroughly crush the demon race… that probably counted, at least.
“S-Saintess…?”
Perhaps because I had been sitting motionless on the bed with a grave expression, lost in thought, Nella asked anxiously.
“D-Did I perhaps commit some offense…?”
“Ah, no. Yes. Studying. Mm. We should do that. Haha…”
I forced the corners of my mouth upward, left the bed, and sat in the chair across from Nella.
“I heard from Sir Milosi that your past memories are… incomplete, Saintess…”
“That’s correct. Truly lamentable.”
Well done, Milosi. Keep that setting intact.
“S-So I believe it would be best to begin with the fundamentals, step by step…”
With those words, Nella placed the triangular church’s scripture titled Trinity Holy Book on the desk and slid it toward me.
“Mm. Yes, I figured something like this was coming.”
Next, Nella set down a thick volume whose cover read Trinitarian Doctrinal Studies.
“Mm. This one looks perfect for smashing skeletons.”
Then Nella produced another book with the painfully dull, pedantic title Trinitarian Liturgical Studies.
“Mm. Is this one for sleeping…?”
Then Nella brought out Trinitarian Spiritual Studies…
Then Nella…
Then…
……
Daily Curriculum
Trinity Holy Book Interpretation
Trinitarian Doctrinal Studies
Trinitarian Liturgical Studies
Trinitarian Spiritual Studies
…and additional subjects to be added
“…And that concludes the schedule we will follow every day from now on, Saintess. If you have any other opinions, please tell me anytime…!”
“……”
“Then for today’s session, we will begin by interpreting the first page of the scripture…”
“…Nella. Or rather, Teacher Nella.”
“Y-Yes, Saintess!”
“…Can we start tomorrow instead?”
A familiar darkness visited me.
Cold enough to make my hands and feet tremble, yet somehow it felt warm in my heart. This was surely the final destination where the fallen “Agilien” had arrived.
…Wait. Don’t tell me I got assassinated again? Did I??
Suddenly an unidentified voice rang out. It sounded as if it were speaking directly in front of me, yet also faint and distant like an echo from beyond the mountains—a bizarre voice.
What the hell are you even saying?
Are you deliberately trying to frustrate me? Why are you speaking in fragments like that?
…Huh?
Unlike the first voice, this one was unmistakably clear and belonged to a woman. Wait, was that just now directed at me?
When I opened my eyes, an unfamiliar ceiling greeted me.
Or rather, an unfamiliar canopy. The roof of a very girly pink bed complete with curtains and frills. I had been too exhausted yesterday to notice, but whose taste was responsible for this monstrosity?
“Ughhh… What kind of dream was that?”
After stretching until my limbs nearly cramped, yesterday’s memories came flooding back. I had fallen for Nella’s bait of “let’s just read the first page” and ended up poring over the scripture until I passed out. Thankfully the supervisor had come after seeing my brightly lit room at such a late hour and rescued me from that hell.
“Hoo… I already have a feeling life here is going to be anything but smooth sailing…”
Bang—
Right then, without so much as a knock, someone flung the door open and strode inside, bowing at the waist.
“Have you awakened, Lady Lucie?”
“You?!”
When I pointed at her and said nothing else, the intruder let out a familiar sigh.
“Haa… It is Integrida. Did we not have an interview yesterday?”
I nodded silently, afraid that adding any unnecessary words would only get me scolded.
“I am terribly sorry for barging into your room, but an urgent request arrived from the Great Guardian of the Secret Archives, so I was forced to be this rude.”
“Urgent request?”
Instead of answering, Integrida clapped her hands lightly. Four nuns in full habit immediately filed into the room and surrounded me.
“W-What is this?! What urgent request?!”
“Lady Lucie. Please accompany these sisters to the bath.”
“The… bath?”
“Yes. The Great Guardian Lady Flamena’s exact words were: ‘Our prospective saint is far too filthy. Please wash her immediately.’”
“No… uh…”
I had no rebuttal. No matter how decent this body’s appearance might be, the accumulated grime from my ordeals had long since crossed the limit. So I obediently nodded once more.
The moment I gave permission, the nuns and Integrida practically dragged me off to the bath.
“I can undress myself, so could everyone please step outside?”
When I expressed discomfort at the nuns who were trying to help me remove my clothes, they looked utterly flustered.
“But Lady Lucie, these garments resemble military uniforms. It will be difficult for you to remove them alone.”
“It’s even more difficult for me to undress while you all watch.”
No matter that I now inhabited a woman’s body, baring myself naked in front of nuns still felt incredibly awkward. Yet the nuns kept fidgeting and hovering around me as if they were the ones dissatisfied. Eventually Integrida, who had been observing from a short distance, approached and whispered in my ear.
“The sisters here consider it the highest honor to serve as the hands and feet of Lady Lucie, who is to become the saint. They volunteered of their own accord. Perhaps you could indulge them a little and accumulate some merit…”
Being a saint might be far more troublesome than I thought.
“…Fine. Just do it quickly.”
Once I gave permission, their movements became mechanical and swift. In the blink of an eye I had become a barbarian standing completely naked before five women.
“Ooh…”
“Wow…”
“So that’s how it is… the parts that looked slim when clothed…”
“Aah… Aaaaaah…!”
And why were these nuns not averting their eyes but openly studying my body instead? Why did I have to be the one feeling embarrassed?!
“Ahem. Everyone, if we leave Lady Lucie like this she will catch a cold. Please escort her inside quickly.”
Then why is your face flushed, Integrida?!
Since I couldn’t stay like this forever, I decided to hide myself in the tub instead.
…And immediately regretted it.
“L-Lady Lucie’s hair is so lovely…”
“Not only her hair—her skin is so soft and supple…”
“This dainty foot size is truly adorable—no, sacred!”
“Haaa… Haaaaaaa…!”
They washed my hair. When I said I would wash my own body they still insisted on doing it for me. I had no idea why one nun kept touching my feet. And the last nun was…
“Haa… Let’s just not talk about it.”
I seriously considered throwing a tantrum like a cat that had been thrown into water.
“…By the way, Integrida, you’re not even helping with the bath. What are you doing just standing there?”
Integrida, who had been standing like a supervisor yet kept stealing glances at me, jolted.
“O-Of course, as the supervisor I am overseeing the sisters’ duties and confirming Lady Lucie’s condition.”
Then, as if a brilliant idea had just struck her, Integrida’s face flushed bright red.
“S-Sisters! Lady Lucie appears quite fatigued, so I shall personally demonstrate the proper shoulder massage technique…!”
At that point I simply resigned myself to becoming a drowned cat.
“Kyaaaaaaaah!!”