Is This Really the Church?
The Sacred Condemnation Chancellery’s Grand Inquisitor?
The Sacred Condemnation Chancellery—commonly called the Sacred Office—was one of the Three Holy Offices that formed the backbone of the church. It stood above the Heresy Inquisition and handled matters too sensitive for ordinary priests.
Even during the time I spent in the imperial capital as Agilien, I rarely had the chance to meet the heads of the Three Holy Offices. At best, I’d crossed paths a few times with the white-haired elder who led the Gospel Evangelism Office, the one that actually interacted with the public. The other two leaders were so shrouded in secrecy that I had never even laid eyes on them.
“Is it really okay to meet someone like that so easily?”
“Since this concerns the person who will become the Saint, I determined it was appropriate for me to come in person.”
Grand Inquisitor Ohen answered in that same flat, emotionless voice. It seemed the title of Saint carried far more weight than I had imagined.
“Saint…!”
Right then the door burst open and a familiar, burly woman barged in—only to freeze solid the moment she saw Ohen standing there.
“It’s been a while, Sister Lenka.”
“Grand Inquisitor, what brings you here… wait, then the inquisitors who were dragging those inspectors away just now were with you…? No, but why would you…?”
From the moment Lenka saw him, a whirlwind of emotions I had never seen on her face before flashed across it one after another. I suppose it was only natural when you suddenly stood before your boss’s boss’s boss.
“Calm yourself, Sister. Isn’t the important thing that we stopped those blasphemous wretches from insulting the Saint?”
“Ah…!”
Lenka seemed to snap out of it. She carefully stepped around Ohen and rushed straight to me. Then she began patting me down from head to toe with both hands.
“Saint, are you all right? You’re not hurt anywhere? No wounds? Those filthy, disgusting hands didn’t touch you, did they?”
“…If we’re talking about filth, your hands right now are the filthiest thing here, so please stop.”
“Tsk. Busted.”
After a great deal of fuss, we finally passed through the checkpoint. And that wasn’t all—the checkpoint commander himself came running out, slammed his forehead to the ground, and begged forgiveness for failing to control his subordinates. It was clearly Ohen’s influence at work. Of course, I also had to stop Lenka, who was smiling with what looked suspiciously like rage, from verbally eviscerating the poor man.
Once we were through the gate, so many things had happened that I spent quite a while explaining everything to Miloshi, whose eyes kept shaking in a constant earthquake of shock.
“By the way, Saint. What were you planning to do if the Grand Inquisitor and the other inquisitors hadn’t shown up?”
Lenka, who had looked strangely refreshed after mercilessly flogging the checkpoint commander’s soul, suddenly asked me.
“I was going to keep beating that bastard until people came running. That way you’d notice something was wrong and rush over, right?”
A burst of air escaped between Lenka’s lips.
“Pffft, what is that?”
Even as she said it, the corners of her mouth curved upward.
“…Hm?”
At that moment I felt a strange gaze boring into me from somewhere and scanned the surroundings. But with so many guards packed between the towering walls, it was impossible to pinpoint who it was coming from.
“Is something wrong, Saint?”
“Hm? Ah, it’s nothing. More importantly, why are those people still standing over there?”
I pointed as discreetly as I could at the figures in inquisitor robes lingering near the checkpoint exit.
“Haha… That must be the Grand Inquisitor’s consideration as well.”
Just as Lenka guessed, the moment we stepped out of the checkpoint the inquisitors approached us with a curt “We will escort you to the church headquarters” and began guiding us somewhere. In truth, it was less guiding and more like they had boxed our entire group inside a moving square of inquisitors and were carrying us along.
Anyway, we followed them through the checkpoint and the triple-layered, towering walls of the imperial capital, one after another. And at last…
I had returned to my homeland.
“Whoa, there are so many people on the streets!”
As expected, Miloshi couldn’t close his gaping mouth. He frantically tried to drink in every sight the city had to offer. People hurrying between inns and shops, Triune believers heading to the temples to pray, shy young couples holding hands, old men dozing in sunny spots while children plotted mischief nearby…
“This place hasn’t changed at all.”
The place where my life had begun. The place where my life had once ended. My cradle and my grave.
Even though behind this beautiful cityscape lurked the endless schemes and power struggles of the empire’s dark underbelly. Even if you only had to walk a little farther into the lower districts to find every kind of crime flourishing in the slums. Even if the stench of cheap perfume and sweat from the brothels stung your nose.
A feeling I couldn’t quite put into words rose from deep in my chest and made my whole body tremble.
“…What an annoying emotion.”
I pulled my gaze away from a father carrying a child on his shoulders and smiling innocently, muttering quietly to myself.
“Um, Lady Lenka?”
Miloshi, who had been absorbed in sightseeing, called out to her.
“Yes?”
“How long… do we have to keep moving like this?”
Miloshi glanced sideways at the inquisitors surrounding us. At first we had been the ones sightseeing the city. But the moment we passed the city gate and entered a more crowded area, we had become the spectacle.
‘Mom, look over there!’ ‘Hey, don’t make eye contact, come here right now!’ ‘That’s the Heresy Inquisition… ugh, I just got chills.’ ‘Are those people criminals? They look like they’re being dragged away.’ ‘If you don’t study like I told you, you’ll end up like that someday!’
“Well… wouldn’t it be less embarrassing if we acted confident? Like a triumphant general marching through the city to the sound of victory trumpets, waving at the crowd like this…”
“N-no thank you! I’ll walk quietly, so please don’t, Lady Lenka!!”
…Even a triumphant general looked like that to outsiders? Did I look like that back in the day too?
Ah.
The moment we entered the church headquarters building, the inquisitors who had been surrounding us vanished like smoke, as if they had never been there. Thanks to that, we were left standing awkwardly in the middle of the vast open space.
“So what exactly are we supposed to do now that they’ve just dumped us here?”
Lenka pressed a finger against her chin and answered what had been my half-muttered question.
“Hmm~ Usually in situations like this, someone else comes to take over, right?”
“HELL! O! GOOD! MORN! ING! EV! ERY! ONE!!”
Someone screamed at the top of their lungs, trying to fill the entire high-ceilinged space with their voice. Every priest and church official passing by immediately turned to stare at the source. Unfortunately, those stares were all aimed directly behind me.
I showed my ears to Miloshi and Lenka and asked in a gloomy voice.
“Could you check if my ears are bleeding?”
“They look perfectly fine.”
“Oh dear, Saint. You might need to clean those ears out.”
“…Sigh.”
I let out a small sigh and trudged around. There stood a girl.
The first things that caught my eye were the enormous glasses that covered more than half her face and hair as messy as my own. She was tiny, but the shirt, vest, and coat she wore were all several sizes too big and hung loosely on her frame. For some reason she was clutching a thick book to her chest with a terrified expression, trembling like a frightened rabbit.
“So, who are you this time?”
“HELL! I! AM! FROM! THE! SE! CRET! AR! CHIVES! CHAN! CEL! LERY….”
“Lenka, make her be quiet.”
Before I could even finish speaking, Lenka’s massive hand clamped down on both of the girl’s cheeks. “Ugh. Where did she pick up that way of talking?”
“Mmph!”
“Look here, Miss Somebody from the Secret Archives Chancellery. Why are you trying to burst everyone’s eardrums like this? Hm?”
“Brrbbrrgh shbrrbrr nrrrmrrm…”
“Haa… loosen your grip just a little.”
When Lenka eased up slightly, the girl’s words became marginally more intelligible.
“Brrznbrrgtch sssgrr nrrlmrrdmmd…”
“…A little more. Just a tiny bit more.”
Now we could finally understand her.
“HELL! I AM NELLA MAMRAD FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVES CHANCELLERY!!”
She was still in the middle of her self-introduction?
“Right. Miss Nella. Please tell us quickly why you’ve come. I’m starting to get tired.”
Then Nella spoke at lightning speed, as if her previously empty mind had suddenly returned, reading from a book only she could see.
“HELL! I HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO GUIDE THE SAINT AND MILOSHI TO THEIR QUARTERS AND TO TEACH THE SAINT THE NECESSARY KNOWLEDGE FOR THE CANONIZATION CEREMONY AND HER ROLE AS SAINT UNTIL THE CEREMONY BEGINS IN OTHER WORDS I AM SOMETHING LIKE THE SAINT’S TEMPORARY TUTOR!”
Was I really going to have to keep talking to this girl like this?
I sent a pleading look toward Miloshi and Lenka. They simply shook their heads in silence. With no other choice, I steeled myself to converse with this unknown lifeform as if I were speaking to some mysterious creature that could at least manage basic dialogue.
“Haa… Listen, Miss Nella? Can’t you speak normally? Why do you keep adding ‘HELL’ at the beginning and talk in that hard-to-understand way? Is there some reason for it?”
Then something astonishing happened.
“Ah… ah… th-that’s…”
Nella had learned how to speak slowly and quietly. The only problem was that her pupils and hands were now trembling far worse than before.
“Um… Miss Nella?”
The whites of Nella’s eyes gradually turned red. This was clearly not a good sign…
“Uwaaaaaah——!! If I don’t talk like this the seniors at the Archives won’t let me use the bathroom and they force me to eat even when I don’t want to——!! Uwaaaaaah——!!”
With that, the girl began to wail so loudly it would make anyone who heard her feel miserable too. Naturally, the people passing by now looked at us with even worse expressions.
…Fuck. Is this really the church?
“Ah. Saint, you’re not allowed to swear inside here~”
…Fuck.