The Death Sentence
Tick. Tock.
The second hand of the clock bored into my eardrums. The expensive leather sofa in the CEO's office was plush, and yet it felt unbearably uncomfortable — like sitting on a bed of thorns.
The man across from me wore an expression that mixed apology and awkwardness in equal measure. I knew why, of course. It was because of me. Because of me, who had failed, in the end, to make the debut team.
The CEO broke the silence first.
"Jinwoo..."
"Yes, sir..."
"I first met you when you were sixteen, right?"
"Yes."
I'd made up my mind to become a singer and gone to my first audition in middle school. And then, out of nowhere, I'd actually passed. That was the beginning of my long, long life as a trainee.
"We've known each other a long time, haven't we? Five years already. How old are you this year?"
"Twenty..."
"Oh, already? Wow. Jinwoo's all grown up. So, what about the military?"
"......"
I was struck completely speechless. Military service — for an idol trainee who hadn't even debuted. But there wasn't a trace of malice in the CEO's face or his voice. If anything, it was worry. Or pity.
"Hmm... a bit early for the military still, huh?"
He was talking in circles, trying to be considerate. But I knew exactly what he wanted to say.
Twenty years old. I had only just turned twenty, and the dream that had been my entire life — becoming an idol — was standing trial. The crime of failing to debut as a trainee was a death sentence.
"Jinwoo..."
"......"
I couldn't say a word. No — I wasn't able to. I just silently bowed my head. A hot rush of emotion surged up in my chest, but I couldn't even bring myself to blame anyone.
Nobody had forced me to become a trainee. I'd done it because I wanted to. Everyone around me had been so sure I'd make it. I'd really thought I would. I didn't need to be a huge star — I'd thought I'd at least debut, make a name for myself. I'd thought I would become the idol singer I'd dreamed of. I'd wanted so badly to become a successful celebrity.
"......"
Maybe I'd wanted to be a celebrity more than a singer. I'd grown up hearing how good-looking I was, over and over, since I was a kid, and I'd lived under the delusion that that was my real weapon.
But once I entered this industry, there were so many beautiful, handsome people it was almost absurd. Looks were just a baseline passive. Around my third year as a trainee, I finally realized — far too late — that you needed actual skill to survive.
By then, I couldn't stop. I hadn't even gone to high school. I'd gone all-in on this life. I'd just assumed, vaguely, that of course it would work out. I'd worked really hard. But every other trainee had worked just as hard. When everyone puts in the same effort, the ones with more talent survive and debut. That's the truth of this business. Why didn't I understand that when I was younger?
"Jinwoo, the way I see it..."
Whether it was my paltry pride or something else, I couldn't even bring myself to grovel and beg for one more chance. I felt so pathetic.
"......"
Actor. The moment I heard that word, my mind went blank. I'd never acted a day in my life. And now, suddenly, an actor? Still, I didn't want to let go of that last lifeline. The words that came out of my mouth were the opposite of what I felt.
"...I'll think about it."
"Yeah. Give it some serious thought. It'd be a waste to just give up and walk away like this..."
The CEO finally seemed a little relieved. He chuckled and patted my shoulder.
"You're still young. Your potential is endless. Just because you got cut from the debut team doesn't mean your life is over, okay?"
"Yes... Thank you, sir."
"Jinwoo, honestly, I scored you pretty high. But as you know, I can't decide the debut team members by myself. Even if I am the CEO..."
"Yes. I know."
"Kid, your face is seriously good-looking. Get some acting training and you could turn the whole industry on its head."
The compliment about my looks felt especially hollow today. I forced an awkward smile and quietly stood up first.
"Sir. I should get going."
"Huh? Leaving already?"
"Yes. And... thank you. For everything, all this time."
"Jinwoo... why are you talking like we'll never see each other again. That's a little hurtful..."
I bowed my head in an awkward farewell, and just as I was about to turn around—
"Ah, right. Hey, Jinwoo. Take a look at this."
The CEO held out a thin script.
"A director I know gave this to me a few days ago... He's doing a drama, apparently. Said he's looking for supporting roles..."
I hesitated for a moment, then took the script he held out, as if I couldn't refuse. I didn't even register the title written on the cover.
"...Thank you."
"Yeah. Give it a read when you have time. And come into the company tomorrow. Got it?"
I bowed my head in a final greeting, clutched the script to my chest, and walked out of the CEO's office.
Outside the company, a cold night wind brushed my cheek. When I'd been locked up in the practice room, I'd missed the outside world so badly. For some reason, today, it was anything but welcome.
The cold reality waiting for me out there...?
I didn't know. I hadn't experienced it yet. The truth was, none of this felt real. Maybe I'd understand once I slept on it.
The dorm was near the company — a ten-minute walk, less than five if I ran. But my feet pointed in the opposite direction. I couldn't bring myself to go back. The ones who'd made the debut team would all be in a festive mood. There was no need for me to show up, read the room that badly, and kill the atmosphere. I'd have to go pack my things eventually. But not today.
"Ah..."
And then, out of nowhere, I missed my mom. So I started walking home, with no plan at all. It took over two hours, but strangely, it felt like nothing.
I arrived late at night. I punched in the door-lock code and opened the front door, and my mom — who'd been sitting in the living room watching TV — jumped up in shock and came running in her socks.
"What!? Son! What are you doing here at this hour without even calling!?"
Fair enough. I'd shown up late at night with no warning whatsoever.
"Ah... well... I missed you, so I came."
"What...? At this hour? You said you've been too busy to even come home..."
"I am busy... but I still wanted to see your face."
"Jinwoo. Did something happen?"
Her instincts were terrifying. I let out a short laugh and shook my head.
"Happen? Nothing happened..."
"Did you make the debut team this time?"
"Ah... well..."
I couldn't get the words out. So I lied.
"The results aren't out yet, but... I think I might make it..."
"Really!?"
I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her disappointed.
"So my son's going to debut soon!? I get to see my son on TV?"
"Yeah, I guess so... probably..."
The lie slipped out of my mouth as if it were nothing. For a second I wondered if I shouldn't have come at all. But after seeing my mom's face for the first time in so long, the tightness in my chest eased, just a little.
"Where's my sister...?"
"Your sister's at the study hall right now, studying."
Seo Jina, my older sister by a year. She'd been living at the study hall lately, supposedly cramming to retake the college entrance exam — and it seemed she really was working hard.
I'd wanted to debut and become the head of this household in place of the father we'd lost too early. Make enough money to move Mom into a clean new house. Buy her a nice car. Give her a generous allowance. I'd even wanted to pay for my pain-in-the-ass sister's college tuition myself. All of it had turned to foam.
"Mom, I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna go to bed first."
"Huh? You're not hungry? Hold on. My son finally comes home — let Mom make you something good."
"It's fine. If I eat now my face'll get puffy and I'll put on weight."
"Ah, right... my son's going to be on TV soon..."
I washed up in a daze, went into my room, and lay down on the bed. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd been here. The last time I'd slept in this room had been Lunar New Year, so it had been at least six months. Mom must have cleaned it every day — there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.
Photos were stuck here and there across the walls: pictures of me with my friends from my school days. A handful of them, that was all I had — me in my uniform, arms slung around my friends' shoulders, grinning like I didn't have a care in the world.
"I wonder what everyone's up to now..."
They'd all be in college by now, living busy lives of their own. Thanks to my lowly status as a trainee, I hadn't even been allowed to use my phone freely. Naturally, I'd lost touch with my friends a long time ago.
My head was too full. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Strangely, even with my eyes shut, the worries kept coming, one after another, each one catching the tail of the last.
What am I even supposed to do starting tomorrow...?
The CEO had told me to come into the company to learn acting. But our company didn't have a single actor. It was almost all singers, and these days they were pushing the idol training business and nothing else.
If I hung around a place like that claiming I was going to be an actor... how hard would people laugh? Some guy who got cut from the debut team and kicked out. If I couldn't let go and kept hanging around the company, of course they'd point fingers.
Maybe the CEO had only said it because I looked so pathetic. Five years of trainee life — maybe he felt a little guilty. That was probably it. Most likely.
Acting, of all things...
A guy who couldn't even debut after five years of grinding — was he supposed to suddenly be good at acting? I didn't have that kind of confidence. And the sadder thing was, even the will to try seemed to have drained out of me.
I let out a bitter sigh, and just like that, I fell asleep.