The Problem With Putting the Protagonist in a Carriage
Elysium Academy was the finest academy on the continent.
On top of that, an oracle had descended this year proclaiming that a hero would emerge from among the new students.
In this world, oracles were absolute. Naturally, the continent's finest talents flooded into the academy, and as a result, the student body's overall level had risen abnormally high — or so the setting went.
Except the new students I actually laid eyes on were pathetic. Trash wasn't too strong a word for them.
No — the truth was, it wasn't that they were weak.
I've simply become too strong.
This was the outcome of my dumping every single stat into S. Because of it, I'd spent twelve years in the tutorial, and now the current situation had come to pass.
It brought me no joy at all. No, quite the opposite.
Because I knew exactly what caliber of enemies would come later.
S was a high stat, but it wasn't the highest grade. To face the Outer Gods and calamities of the late game, you needed S+ — talent beyond all convention.
And yet knowing full well that I'd still spread my stats evenly, for one reason and one reason alone.
Because there was no need to.
There existed genius characters hand-picked by fate for each individual stat — prodigies like Andy, the youngest archmage in history.
The efficient strategy was for me, a stat-generalist, to carry the story into its late stages while raising those geniuses along the way.
In fact, I'd already cleared the game once using exactly this method.
The only wrinkle was that the body I'd transmigrated into was playing on hard mode — a first for me.
"Guess I'll have to work them to the bone."
"Work them? Work who?"
Milo, startled out of nowhere, asked with a sulky look. I pointed at the new students.
"The freshmen."
"You do remember we're the security team, right?"
Milo spoke up in a hurry, looking as though he feared I was about to hit him with another bizarre request.
Milo was right — I was a guard. I was hardly in a position to put students to work.
Still, there was one way.
If a professor at Elysium Academy refuses a teaching assistant, a guard is assigned to serve as an assistant instead.
That was precisely why I'd saved Leon on the train. The problem was that Leon was a newly appointed professor.
To get the people I wanted enrolled in Leon's lectures, I needed to drum up rumors about him. The trick was figuring out how to spread them —
And then, far off in the distance, I saw my method.
"We're late because of you! How does it take an entire day to pick out bread?!"
"Who cares about the academy? Bread comes first!"
"Ugh—."
It was Andy and Evangeline, bickering away.
The two of them stood at the very end of the line. Judging by the order, they were slated to board the carriage ahead of ours.
"Milo. Swap our position with the carriage ahead."
"Huh? We're supposed to wait our turn to board — swap it with what?"
"So?"
"No, look, first we follow the queue—"
"So?"
"Gah, you unreasonable bastard."
Milo scrunched up his face and trudged toward the carriage ahead.
He marched up to the man in charge of it and shoved his fist in his face — a fistfight challenge, by the looks of it. A moment later, Milo waved at me.
"Swapped."
"Good work."
I moved up to the forward carriage, feeling quite satisfied.
"Seriously, why'd you even bother swapping carriages? It's the same damn carriage either way."
Milo asked, utterly baffled.
Instead of answering, I turned my gaze away.
Evangeline and Andy were still squabbling loudly.
Behind them stood a sharp-featured man.
His nose looked like it could cut glass, and his entire body was plastered head to toe in expensive magical artifacts that had no business belonging to a student.
"To think we must ride in such a shabby little carriage. Tsk."
It was Kilian, heir to the Magic Tower Coalition.
The original story of this world was an academy romance fantasy.
And as befits a romance fantasy, it had its male leads.
The problem was that not a single one of them was sane. The bigger problem was that Evangeline was even less sane than they were — and the synergy between the two was truly lethal.
The ending of Kilian's route? Kilian using Evangeline as a fuel source for the Magic Tower.
Kilian was a bust. And not just Kilian, either.
Evangeline was the type to give away everything she had the moment she fell in love. Studies went straight out the window. Romance was fatal to Evangeline's graduation.
That was exactly why I'd gone to the trouble of swapping carriage positions.
Because this was where Kilian and Evangeline met for the very first time.
Evangeline misses her step while climbing into the carriage, trips, and falls right into Kilian's arms behind her.
Glasses knocked askew, Kilian falls head over heels for her — a development so worn-out you couldn't squeeze one more drop of marrow out of the bone.
"Watch your step — the carriage lip's a bit high."
Just then, Milo warned the students.
Huh. Weirdly considerate toward students.
Heeding Milo's advice, the students boarded carefully. Last of all came Evangeline.
Even if the lip was "high," it was only a touch higher than the other carriages — and Milo had even given a warning on top of that.
There was not one fingernail's worth of reason for her to trip.
Except the person in question was Evangeline.
Evangeline sprinted toward the carriage. No idea why. Like an elementary schooler spotting a crosswalk, she bounded up on both feet in one great leap.
She lost her balance instantly and wobbled backward.
Unbelievable.
Clicking my tongue, I swung my guard baton. It caught Evangeline square in the back and propped her up.
"Ah, thank—"
"One does not leap into a carriage."
"But the carriage lip is shaped so perfectly for jumping—"
I shut the carriage door without hearing her out.
Kilian looked up at me.
"You. Take the next carriage."
Kilian merely nodded stiffly. Truly a witless little pup.
Soon, the carriage rolled slowly away.
First crisis averted.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I stowed my baton.
"Elysium Academy is even more incredible than the rumors said. It's just the best."
"Right? I can't close my mouth, I'm so amazed."
Light conversation drifted over from the students through the carriage window — the usual icebreaking among strangers meeting for the first time.
The problem was that Evangeline was in there.
"The main gate of Elysium Academy was enchanted personally by our founding headmaster, Lord Alex, who cast the spells on the dwarves with his own hands. The gold spent on constructing that single gate came to the value of three entire carriages' worth of coin."
Chin held high, Evangeline spouted information no one had asked for with the utmost arrogance.
Fortunately, one easygoing soul humored her, laughing heartily.
"How do you know all that? Impressive."
It was the most cursory of compliments — but alas, the recipient was Evangeline.
"I read books on the history of Elysium Academy. It's basic knowledge. Don't tell me you haven't?"
"Haha, I see. That's really amaz—"
"You haven't. Tsk. That gate you just saw is practically a written record of the academy's history. The founding headmaster built it, but back then it was apparently nothing more than flashy and pretty. The one who gave it meaning, as it holds today, was Headmaster Bedrian — an archmage and the founder of the very concept of the Magic Tower. Headmaster Bedrian—"
The faces of the new students rotted in real time, but Evangeline couldn't have cared less.
"Here's the interesting part — in fact, Headmaster Bedrian wasn't the least bit interested in the main gate. He only did it to get his hands on the Empire's subsidies."
Naturally, no one answered.
Just then, Andy, catching my eye, squeezed his eyes shut and forced the words out.
"Wow, that's, uh, seriously cool. How do you even know that stuff?"
"Basics. Here's the even better part. So the imperial subsidy came through, but Headmaster Bedrian was dissatisfied, and—"
The already chilly atmosphere inside the carriage decayed into something catastrophic. Evangeline, on the other hand, grew only more energized —
until one of the new students frantically rapped on the window.
"We'll get off and walk from here."
Despite the considerable distance still remaining, the new students climbed out of that carriage if it killed them.
In the end, only Evangeline and Andy were left inside.
"Gotta take a dump?"
"...Yeah, something like that."
Andy answered Evangeline's question in a voice of utter resignation.
To see it happen with my own eyes.
Everyone except Evangeline fleeing a moving-in-formation flock like a startled herd of geese — exactly as the game's story went.
And now, that man makes his entrance.
"Oh! Pardon me — is this the carriage to the dormitories? Haha, I've lost my way. What a relief!"
I looked up at the pleasant, deep voice to find a handsome man with orange hair.
He was the classic well-liked type — a handsome face with a smile that came off perfectly natural. But if you peered closely into those upturned, smiling eyes, something faintly cold shimmered beneath the surface.
Yet another male lead candidate — Raven.
Raven.
Raven was an assassin belonging to Full Moon, one of the Ten Enemies of the Empire. An exceptionally gifted one, destined to become the future King of Assassins.
Raven was sinister, meticulous, and relentless.
What romance fantasy would call the schemer archetype.
Raven's ending was Evangeline tearing out her own heart and handing it to him. Smiling, no less.
Raven was a snake of a man. Let him into a carriage, and he would worm his way into the cracks one way or another.
"No seats."
I rejected Raven flatly.
"Oh, really? But didn't some just get off?"
Raven asked, flashing his signature neighborly smile.
"I heard it's a guard's duty to let students board when they request it."
Raven pulled out the guard regulations. He'd clearly come well prepared. It didn't matter in the slightest.
"Never heard of it. New here."
"...Pardon?"
"Like I said. New. Don't know."
As I dug lazily into my ear, the corner of Raven's mouth twitched violently. But he held his smile.
"If you don't know, perhaps you should ask a senior? That gentleman looks like one."
Raven pointed at Milo.
So I looked over at Milo too. And Milo —
"Get lost."
poured out the insult as if he'd been waiting for the chance. The smile Raven had barely been holding together cracked.
"Letting students ride is the duty of the guard—"
"He said get lost, you pretty-boy punk who wants his teeth kicked in."
Milo hurled his crude profanity without restraint. Faced with a rejection that possessed not a shred of logic, only raw primal force, Raven had no choice but to retreat.
"This matter will be reported to the security office."
"Yeah, yeah. Milo of Unit 42, was it? Be sure to write it down."
Gritting his teeth with a screech, Raven vanished.
I looked at Milo anew.
He'd been oddly kind to the students, though — had he sensed something about Raven?
Milo spat again as he watched Raven's retreating back.
"Thinking a pretty little bastard can ride in my carriage. Unbelievable."
Right. Turns out he's just a garbage human.
Thanks to Milo, Raven had been driven off — but Raven was a patient, sinister assassin.
He wouldn't give up so easily.
Still, there was a countermeasure.
And it was, unexpectedly, a simple one.
"That guy just now — Raven, was it? Between you and me—"
I let my words trail off, glancing sideways at the carriage window.
"Word is he's a notorious womanizer. They say the women he's had his hands on already number over a hundred—"
"Seriously?! That dog! That rat bastard!"
Milo erupted with genuine fury.
I checked on Evangeline out of the corner of my eye. She wasn't looking this way — but her ears were twitching, standing straight up.
"Oh! Raven! I've heard of him too. Completely obsessed with women!"
Andy caught on and picked up my thread. Evangeline feigned ignorance and asked again.
"Raven?"
"The guy who just came by. Word is he can't keep himself together around a pretty face. Charges straight at them—"
"Oh no! This is a disaster! I'm beautiful!"
"R-right. You'd better be careful, then. Get tangled up with Raven and your ears might just rot clean off."
"Rot off" from merely talking to him was pushing it, even for me. Who's supposed to believe tha—
"Eeek! I talked to him earlier?! My ears! What do I do! My ears! Quick!"
Evangeline frantically shoved her ears at Andy. Sighing, Andy inspected her ears.
"Are they rotten?!"
"Mmm, hard to say?"
"They're rotten! They're rotten! It's my ears!!"
"No, wait — it was just earwax."
"Clean it out! Clean it out now!"
"Why do I have to clean your earwax— huuu!! There! Done!"
"Thank goodness!"
...Anyway, from this point on, Evangeline would shriek, clamp her hands over her ears, and bolt the instant she so much as saw Raven. And Raven wouldn't be able to pull any tricks for a good while either.
Just then, my eyes met Andy's.
Andy glanced at Evangeline, who was clutching her ears in genuine relief.
He seemed to be asking: is this really right?
Truly a shame, but yes — that was your protagonist.
I nodded reluctantly.
And in perfect unison, we both sighed.