190. Father and Son
190. Father and Son
There was a phrase Lucia had heard ever since she was a child.
'Son, I will not raise you as a daughter.'
When she was young, Lucia could not understand what that meant.
For Lucia, the world was the entirety of the Russell estate, and she had never seen a child her own age until she had come of age.
Therefore, she never really understood what her father, who raised her alone, meant by that.
She simply did as she was told.
She received hard, unyielding toy soldiers as gifts, swung a sword until her tender flesh grew callused, and mastered all manner of knowledge.
She lived her life without a single doubt about what was given to her.
Because she knew no other way to live.
Around that time, the information provided to the young Lucia was heavily controlled.
She was oblivious to the point that she did not even notice that her body was different from a male's when she was little.
Carlos raised Lucia as a sturdy man befitting the successor of the Russell family.
Lucia undoubtedly possessed femininity, but she lived her life deliberately killing it.
Just as Carlos intended, Lucia grew up thinking of herself as a male.
She thought the feminine aspects she felt inside herself were just an illusion.
The moment she became keenly aware of the contradiction within herself was after her first period came and her secondary sexual characteristics began to manifest in earnest.
Her height increased as it always had, but alongside it, other things began to grow as well.
A lump formed in her previously flat chest, and curves began to appear on her once-straight waist and pelvis, like a gourd bottle.
Once it started, her body began to change uncontrollably, and no matter how much she tried to hide it, she couldn't.
There were days when she bled and stained her pants with blood.
That was clearly a characteristic that did not appear in males.
'Nanny, my body is strange. It's so different from Father... and the other knights. Have I caught some kind of illness?'
Having lost her mother at a young age, the only person who could answer that question for Lucia was her nanny, who had cared for her since she was a newborn.
Taking pity on Lucia, who was living without even knowing her own identity, the nanny ultimately disobeyed Carlos's orders.
'Young master... you are, in fact, a young lady.'
That thoroughly concealed fact was an immense shock to Lucia.
She had received sex education as a mandatory course.
But they always glossed over it and never properly informed her.
They only talked about the characteristics of males and females and constantly told her she had to be a dignified man, never informing her of anything beyond that.
'What does that matter? Even though you were born with a woman's body, you are my son. Do not have foolish thoughts and think only of the sword.'
When she confessed the contradiction she felt to her father Carlos, she was severely scolded.
Still, Carlos wasn't completely out of his mind; he didn't deny that she was biologically female.
As her secondary sexual characteristics progressed, it was impossible to stop her physical femininity from becoming prominent.
Thinking back on it now, trying to forcibly stop the natural changes of the body would only lead to a decline in physical ability and worsen her skills, so it seemed he didn't even attempt it.
From the moment she learned she was female, the relationship between Lucia and Carlos rapidly deteriorated.
Lucia's feminine side, which had begun to awaken with her awareness of her sex, greatly irritated Carlos.
'Do not waver. An unwavering mind is the path to the Extreme.'
But it was impossible to stop the femininity that had been suppressed for over a decade from bursting forth within the now-aware Lucia.
It wasn't that she was denying the life she had lived up until now.
Swinging a sword was still fun, and improving her skills brought a great sense of accomplishment.
Defeating an opponent was one of the few things that satisfied Lucia's self-esteem, confined as she had been to the estate, and since the sword was most of her life, she couldn't possibly detach herself from it now.
However, her dissatisfaction with many other things exploded.
She hated the hard toy soldiers, her monochrome and featureless room.
But as long as she was in the estate, Lucia had to secretly read even a single fairy tale book in the study while avoiding her father's eyes.
The more her inner femininity grew, the harder it became for her to stay at home.
With her dissatisfaction growing, Lucia happened to overhear a conversation between Carlos, who was in contact with Lemnos.
'...The outside world is too early for Lucia. Once her mindscape is a bit more firmly established, I can send her out as much as she likes.'
'Are you still calling your daughter your son, you fool? If you keep that up, even a perfectly fine kid will break down. If you show her the wide world, she'll come to realize things on her own, just like you and me.'
'You, who have a son, wouldn't understand.'
'Yeah, and I don't really want to. But Carlos... this isn't a suggestion, it's an imperial order. All the children of the Five Pillars must enroll in the Academy.
Don't be stubborn for no reason and enroll your daughter too. No matter how precious she is, you can't just keep her cradled in your arms forever.'
Hearing those words, Lucia silently rejoiced.
Being able to escape from the parent who suppressed her before things spiraled into catastrophe was immensely joyful for her as well.
The year she became an adult, Lucia's enrollment in the Academy was decided.
The Academy was, for all intents and purposes, a refuge for her.
A refuge where she could flee from everything that suppressed her.
.
.
.
.
The Academy wasn't a paradise and there were many hardships, but Lucia liked it there.
There was no one to suppress her, she could enjoy the things she liked to her heart's content, and she had the freedom to live as she wanted.
Of course, she was mindful of others' opinions, but she enjoyed decorating in small, subtle ways.
For example, she enjoyed small freedoms she could never have at the estate, like wearing neat monochrome clothes while discreetly accessorizing with her favorite ornaments underneath, or wearing a perfume she liked.
Her interpersonal relationships weren't smooth since she hadn't properly met kids her own age, but she eventually made friends.
He was a remarkable person, completely different from Lucia: very small and cute, yet incredibly strong, and he accomplished everything he set his mind to.
Just seeing him in the same class made Lucia happy.
Even when the semester ended, she had no intention of going back to the estate.
She would come up with any excuse to stay at the Academy.
She did not want to return to that suffocating place.
But the freedom Lucia was enjoying came to an end in a single moment.
.
.
.
The moment she returned to the dormitory after all the tests were over, Lucia could tell that her door was open.
And she felt a presence inside.
She was wary of who might have come in, but the person inside had absolutely no intention of hiding their presence.
"F...Father?"
"You're late, my son."
The moment she saw his face, her heart pounded violently.
As if standing before a wild beast, her body shrank back and her gaze dropped to the floor.
Even though it was the female dormitory where men were not allowed, Lucia's father, Carlos Russell, had entered as if it were only natural.
After not seeing him for several months, Carlos looked exactly the same as when they had parted.
His tightly shut mouth, as if reflecting an absolute refusal to compromise; his massive figure that even Lucia, standing over 180cm, had to look up at; his oppressive aura that made it feel hard to even breathe in front of him—all of it made Lucia's body tremble.
"How... are you here..."
"Does a parent need a reason to enter their child's room?"
Lucia could not say a word.
Because even within the estate, Carlos had personally inspected Lucia's room at all times without warning.
And whenever 'unnecessary items' were discovered, he discarded them without mercy.
The forgotten nightmare resurfaced, and her breathing became ragged.
"I heard several things before I came. That you carelessly gave away the family crest?"
"It was... a necessary action. It was well worth it."
"No, it is not your place to decide on the family's guests. That is for me, the Family Head, to decide."
At Carlos's firm words, Lucia shrank back.
"...I've heard stories about that student you gave the crest to. He was a truly outrageous delinquent. Do not ever see him again."
"No... he's not... Atlas is a good person."
"If someone who chopped up fellow new students from the very first week is a good person, then the cannibals living on some island must be good people too.
Terrible rumors about him are spread all across the Academy, so it seems your evaluation of a 'good person' is far too generous."
She hated him speaking ill of Atlas when he knew nothing about him.
Dozens of counterarguments sprung to mind, but she couldn't bring herself to voice them.
"I don't want to talk about this topic any further. Do not see him again."
"...."
"Your answer?"
"Yes... I understand."
The words came out against her will.
Whenever she stood before her father, she couldn't act according to her own thoughts.
Her body would shrink back, and she would end up moving as he commanded.
But he would be leaving soon anyway; she just had to pretend to follow orders while he was here.
She just had to endure it for now.
Then, suddenly, she noticed something strange.
It was her very familiar dormitory room, but it felt unfamiliar.
It had become excessively spacious.
Noticing that Lucia was looking around the room, Carlos spoke curtly.
"I was just in the middle of clearing out what was unnecessary."
"Ah..."
Forgetting even the fact that Carlos was in the room, Lucia dashed out to the trash disposal area.
Pitch-black smoke was billowing up from the disposal area.
Inside the incinerator, a pile of 'trash' was burning, emitting acrid smoke.
The identity of the burning trash was the dolls Lucia had collected in her room.
Among them was the golden bear doll she had bought when she went out with Atlas.
"No...!!!"
When she came to her senses, she had shoved her hand into the fiercely burning incinerator and was pulling out the bear doll.
The golden bear doll, stained with Atlas's dried blood, was about half burnt away.
She suffered burns on her hand, but she felt no pain.
More than that, her heart just ached at the fact that the bear doll holding her memories had been ruined.
"...What are you doing?"
And Carlos was watching Lucia's actions.
"These are all things unnecessary for you. I told you to gain experience and cultivate your skills at the Academy, but you've only grown lax."
-Kwak!
Carlos, who had followed her before she knew it, approached and snatched the bear doll that Lucia was holding preciously in her arms.
Lucia tried to resist, but she couldn't muster the strength in her burned hands and had no choice but to let go.
In that desperate situation, there was only one thing Lucia could do.
"Father, please... not this... I'll do everything you tell me to, so please, just let me keep this..."
It was merely to cling to Carlos's hem and beg.
But at that sight, Carlos looked even more disappointed.
"You've grown much weaker."
Carlos twisted his body and shook Lucia off.
"A rock must not waver."
And the bear doll, only half remaining, dropped back into the fiery pit.
"Aah...!!!"
Once again, Lucia tried to rush out and grab the bear doll, but she could advance no further.
"Let... me go..!!"
Carlos had grabbed Lucia's forearm.
It looked like he was holding her very calmly, with little effort, but no matter how much she struggled, Lucia could not escape Carlos's grip.
"Take a good look. Those sorts of things are unnecessary items for you. It's because you cling to such weak things that you still can't shake off even one of my hands."
She had no choice but to watch the bear doll burn before her eyes.
The memories she shared with Atlas were going up in flames.
It did not take long for the cloth-made bear doll to burn completely.
Looking at the bear dolls now reduced to pitch-black ashes, she collapsed in a daze.
"...Tsk. How pathetic."
Seeing Lucia's wrecked state, Carlos clicked his tongue.
"...Do you hate living as my son that much?"
"...."
Carlos coldly stared down at her tear-streaked face.
"If you hate it so much, I'll grant your wish. From now on, I shall treat you as a daughter."