My Method of Revenge Is Panties

Want to know my method of revenge...? It's panties.

Not long after the war had ended, the royal capital of the kingdom lay steeped in an almost unnatural peace. Among its streets, the noble district—home exclusively to counts and higher—remained as quiet as ever. Not a single carriage rattled past to break the silence, and the elegant, understated beauty of the architecture had earned it the reputation of the kingdom's finest residential quarter. Every soul living in the capital envied those who resided there... no, it would not be an exaggeration to say they regarded it as an object of pure longing.

Yet even in that affluent neighborhood, an unusual clamor rang out today. The cause was the former Minister of Foreign Affairs, who had decided to sell off his mansion and move away. Most of the furniture had already been disposed of within the capital. The racket filling the estate now came not from packing for the move, but from secondhand merchants hauling away the pieces they had come to purchase.

His sudden decision to leave baffled the neighboring nobles. This was not a place one could simply decide to enter; even passing it down through generations felt insufficient. And yet he had sold it and was walking away? To them, the act was incomprehensible. Worse still, he had accepted only the bare market price in his haste to sell, leaving the surrounding residents with no choice but to grow even more suspicious.

Afterward, two utterly absurd rumors began circulating throughout the entire kingdom. Whether true or false remained unclear, but though they had seemed unrelated at first, the connection between them grew sharper with every passing day.

The first: that the Minister of Foreign Affairs had defected to the Regulus Empire on the Eastern Continent. At the outset, almost no one believed it. Who would credit a rumor that a high-ranking noble holding the post of Foreign Minister had suddenly fled to a foreign power? Yet once the second rumor began to spread, the first hardened into near-certainty. After all, the man who was now the former Minister of Foreign Affairs could no longer be found anywhere in the kingdom.

The second: that Esilly von Yggdrasil, Vice Commander of the Capital Knights, had been discharged and was no longer in the kingdom. The staggered timing of the two rumors threw the kingdom's internal affairs into utter chaos. Desertions among soldiers and officers in the frontier knight orders were rising, while those who had already completed ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠their mandatory service were retiring one after another.

That was not all. The capital, which until recently had overflowed with people, had grown so empty that spotting a single passerby was now difficult. In roughly a week—less than seven days since the rumors had properly taken hold—the citizens who had lived in the capital had vanished, either abroad or into remote countryside villages.

What had begun as mere gossip on the lips of the common folk could no longer be dismissed so lightly. The matter had finally reached the royal audience chamber itself, under the king's own supervision.

"Even so, for a man who held the post of Foreign Minister to defect to the Empire! This is a matter of the utmost gravity, Your Majesty!"

The Minister of Finance, one of the Six Pillars of Heaven and Earth, spoke up. He had never regarded the former Foreign Minister favorably—indeed, their relationship had been openly hostile—and so he confined himself to urging that follow-up measures be taken. Of course, from the kingdom's standpoint, such measures were necessary. The former Foreign Minister's disappearance could not be brushed off as merely a high official fleeing the country. He had once been one of the Six Pillars, a true power broker who had steered the kingdom with ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠his own hands. That such a man appeared to have fled simply because a single elf girl had left the kingdom... the story had already spread across the world, and the world was laughing. The kingdom that had stood against the Empire had been reduced, in the eyes of all, to the little elf girl who had stood against the Empire. Shame filled every corner of the court.

"Yes! Precisely so, Your Majesty! We must seize the former Foreign Minister who fled to the Empire and former Vice Commander Esilly von Yggdrasil at once and hold them to account!"

Backing the Finance Minister was the current Foreign Minister—an ambitious and capable man who had risen to prominence the moment the previous holder stepped down and had promptly claimed the vacant seat for himself.

"And by what means do you propose to capture the two of them and punish them? As I understand it, the Commander of the Capital Knights has already gone to persuade former Vice Commander Esilly."

"Indeed. Is this truly the time to sit and watch? If former Vice Commander Esilly's Inferno is turned upon our kingdom, how do you intend to take responsibility?"

Two others moved to check and restrain the pair. Though not themselves among the Six Pillars, they held posts of equal standing as the king's close aides. Ever since the war's end they had labored to hold the Six Pillars accountable for their deeds, yet without a unifying center they had only floundered. Now, with the disappearance of former Vice Commander Esilly von Yggdrasil, that lack of a center no longer mattered. All that remained was to push forward.

The king, who had been listening quietly from the throne, gave a slight nod. This was not the moment to provoke, but rather to endure and wait.

"Minister of Finance."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"I am not unaware of what you say. Yet is this not a time when we must pause and watch for the proper moment?"

"But—"

He wished to continue, but the king raised a hand and silenced him. The gesture made plain that the king was speaking and that further words were unwelcome.

"Our kingdom's territory has been ravaged by the Empire's dogs and has yet to recover properly. If, in such a state, I issue an order to seize former Vice Commander Esilly—hailed as the kingdom's hero—how do you imagine the people will regard me?"

The king's reasoning was sound. Should former Vice Commander Esilly ever decide to return with ill intent, the kingdom would become little better than hell itself.

"...I am deeply ashamed. Forgive this thoughtless disloyalty."

"Understanding is enough. Let us wait a little longer, then."

The ministers all bowed their heads deeply and could say nothing more.

"Is this the right address~ ♬"

A little hum slipped out of me unbidden. I had been racking my brains over how best to screw over the kingdom, and then a truly perfect method for delivering one massive, satisfying screw-over had popped into my head.

How could I thoroughly humiliate them without letting any harm fall on the kingdom's ordinary people? The fact that I had even needed to ponder it made me feel like an idiot. There were people who hated the kingdom even more than I did!

Right next door sat that enormous Empire. Those people were terrified of me, weren't they? That meant they would probably listen to whatever I said. Using that fear, I had finally hit upon a way to leave the common folk untouched while thoroughly wrecking only the bigwigs at the top.

I was not trying to make them trample the kingdom or commit any such cruelty. I would simply hand over the dirt I knew on the top brass so they could smash the rotting insides and devour the place at their leisure. And they were to treat the kingdom's people with kindness. If word reached me that even one person had been hurt or killed, I would head straight to the Empire and unload a million Infernos. That was what I wrote in the letter.

I had already wiped out an entire legion—somewhere between forty and eighty thousand lives. Only an elf's mental fortitude let me live with it as if nothing had happened; had I still been human, the concentration of that trauma would have driven me to suicide long ago. Did anyone really think I would hesitate ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to erase an entire empire? Cheap humanism meant nothing to me.

"Done~ Now I just need to send this to the Empire, right?"

Ah, and I ought to include some proof that it was really from me. Hmm... nothing suitable came to mind, so maybe a handkerchief carrying a trace of my mana? A mage could verify it with mana identification. If they compared the residue against the place where I had dumped nearly ten Infernos, the verdict would be instant.

Except I didn't have a handkerchief. No help for it... I would just have to pull something random out and charge it with mana. I rummaged through my Inventory for anything usable and found a pair of well-worn panties. They were too old and frayed to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠wear anymore; I had been wondering how to dispose of them. Perfect. I would send these.

I pulled the panties from my Inventory, clenched them tight in my fist to soak them with mana, and stuffed them into the envelope. With this alone, those idiots calling themselves the Six Pillars of Heaven and Earth—or the Six Commoners, more like—would take a spectacular fall. I did not believe for a second that the king would simply sit still. He might play the part of a monarch who cared for his people and ministers, but in truth he was a piece of human garbage who thought only of himself. That was the man currently sitting on the throne. The moment he learned that embezzlement, breach of trust, and accounting fraud had been spinning triple axels right under his nose, he might well decide to cut their heads off himself. And I would be far away in the Labyrinth City, laughing my head off when I heard the news.

"Unnie, it's almost time to leave."

"Got it~ Just need to drop off one letter first~"

I should say goodbye to Delua properly, too. After all, we might run into each other again someday!