The Funeral Before the End
What happens when you suddenly throw open the door to a room that hasn't been ventilated? Naturally, the air inside rushes out in an instant, carrying the lingering odors with it. If it were the smell of food—well, even the smell of food can be unpleasant to some. But what if it were the scent of a man and woman who had just finished making love?
"C-cough."
The maid who had come to explain the room service coughed in embarrassment. The maid accompanying her, perhaps a trainee or just someone tagging along, had a face flushed bright red. It was only natural. Anyone could tell just by looking what had been going on in the room until a moment ago.
But still...
'This is a hotel.'
Is it strange for a young man and woman—even a married couple (as we claimed to be)—to have sex in a hotel? Just as people don't think twice when a couple enters and leaves a motel, the same applies to a hotel. If a man and woman enter a hotel—especially the same room—and come out without having had sex, they might as well be special agents posing as a married couple.
'Actually, some heroes were caught by the Demon King's army for exactly that.'
There was a record of heroes who infiltrated a village near the Demon King's army, only to be caught because of that very issue. A man and woman who had no romantic interest in each other tried to infiltrate the city pretending to be a couple, but they were captured and killed simply because they hadn't had sex despite sharing a room.
...Not that they were killed for such a trivial reason alone; there was plenty of other solid evidence, and the lack of sex was merely mentioned as a final nail in the coffin, a way to mock the heroes. Regardless, having sex in a hotel isn't strange. We had already stated we were a married couple. So, the hickey on my neck, or the way our naked skin was briefly visible as we stepped out wearing nothing but robes—that was unavoidable.
"M-my apologies. Should we have come a bit later...?"
"No. It's quite alright."
I don't know how these two feel, but there was a hero I knew who once said this:
-Siwoo, whether it's a motel owner or hotel staff, there's an implicit agreement.
-An implicit agreement?
-Unless you're pouring soy sauce and making a scene, they don't care if there are traces of sex on the bed. Motels even leave out generic condoms, don't they?
Countless guests must have visited this hotel, and they, too, must have engaged in all sorts of sex. Perhaps even more extreme than what Shin Yuhee and I did—all the bizarre and horrific fetish sex one could imagine in a medieval dark fantasy world. In that sense, a simple session of slamming into a woman until she faints is just ordinary sex.
"Hmm."
Absolutely.
"I assume you didn't come all this way because there was some sort of problem, did you?"
"Pardon?"
"Did we cause some kind of nuisance?"
I wasn't asking because I was worried that the free services I was receiving would suddenly become paid, or that I’d be told, 'Guest, you're too loud, please leave.' Absolutely not.
"N-not at all! A nuisance? Not in the slightest."
"Is that so? That's a relief. Since you came in person, I thought perhaps there was an issue."
"W-well, yes. It's not common for us to visit like this, after all. Hahaha."
The senior maid forced a smile. She must know herself that it's strange for a maid to visit like this. It’s not like they came to help with luggage; the fact that they came to explain the menu for a simple room service order is suspicious in itself.
Therefore.
'They probably came to check on us and realized they were screwed.'
Through the maid's reaction, I could tell. 'They probably thought we were spies, but then they realized we were actually just having some intense sex, and now they're flustered.'
The hotel manager, including the maid, was suspicious of us. The subtle doubt Shin Yuhee had felt, and what I had suspected to some extent, were starting to align. Lampades is clearly a strange place. I had already grasped its true nature to some extent, and it would have been entirely possible to dig deeper, but—
"Well... in any case, thank you for coming. We were planning to order food, but we didn't know what was what."
For now, I decided to play dumb.
"I'm worried there might be food that doesn't agree with my wife. We've been getting by on bread and soup for the past few days."
"Ah..."
That wasn't a lie. Although we had occasionally splurged on food using exchange vouchers, Shin Yuhee was still grinding her teeth at the thought of the 'weapon-grade bread' and 'sawdust soup.'
"I will explain it step by step. Is there any food your wife cannot eat?"
"Food she can't eat..."
...Come to think of it, the food Shin Yuhee is allergic to is—
"I can't eat seafood..."
Shin Yuhee approached from behind and hugged me tightly. Still wearing her robe, she pressed against me, leaning her head out from beside my waist and rubbing her face against mine.
"Anything else is fine. Oh, and no alcohol."
"...That's what she says. If you don't mind, could you recommend something? As for us, this is our first time experiencing the food of Lampades."
"Ah... I understand. I will have it prepared for you shortly."
The head maid bowed her head and pointed to the pictures in the brochure.
"First, to explain the courses, we use syrup made from Oasis dates..."
* * *
After the maids left.
"Phew, I was terrified they were going to come inside."
Shin Yuhee hurriedly tidied the blankets and bedding, fanning her face with her hand.
"Do you think they noticed?"
"Noticed what? That we had sex? Or that we aren't a married couple?"
"Both?"
"They might be suspicious, but after having sex this intensely, most would let their guard down."
I pointed to the dark hickey on her neck, which even the robe couldn't hide.
"Let's tidy up. It wouldn't be polite to the hotel staff if we were in this state when they bring the room service later. They might even bring a cart and push it all the way to the dining table here."
Even though the suite had a separate living area for eating and a bedroom for the intense sex, there wasn't a door between them. Just a wall.
"S-should we take a shower?"
"That much is fine. And are you planning on doing it alone?"
"Are you going to do it in the shower room again?"
"Even if we don't have sex in the shower, it's fine to soak in the tub together and talk leisurely, isn't it?"
"Do you have a preference for that kind of thing?"
"I guess I do."
During my 10 years as a hero, I rarely had the chance to soak my body in hot water. I had to sleep while wearing my gear every night for fear of being attacked, and I spent more time sleeping on the bare ground than in a bed.
"Still, it's better to eat first and then wash. This is food we can only eat here, and if not now, we might never get the chance again."
"...Senior."
Shin Yuhee scanned the surroundings. She reached for the notepad in the hotel room, but I immediately grabbed her wrist and shook my head.
"In mystery novels, there are people who track the indentations left on the notepad under the one used."
"...Do we have to be that careful?"
"We're in that kind of situation. The city is suspicious of us. Just whisper quietly."
"...Like this?"
Shin Yuhee buried her face in my robe and began to whisper so softly that only I could hear.
"Senior. This place, it's a place from the past, like the Arena, right?"
"That's right."
"Then... does that mean this place is already a ruined city from the other side, by the time we crossed over as heroes?"
"Exactly."
That is the case for all tutorial stages by default.
"The Agramard Siege that Choi Yujin's party is likely clearing right now... it was originally a place conquered by the Demon King's army."
"...Then do the people here know everything? Shemily only knew the truth after she possessed my body."
Was Shemily the background for discovering the secret behind Lampades? Shemily wouldn't have known about Lampades and spoken of it directly, but Shin Yuhee could have inferred enough based on the information given to her.
"Doesn't that seem a bit too strange?"
"Yes. Aside from them being suspicious of us... it's strange. The fact that they're giving away such a top-tier suite for free as some kind of event. Senior, have you ever been to a hotel?"
"I haven't, but thanks to a brother I was close with, I know the basics."
Among the summoned heroes, there was a travel YouTuber. He wasn't someone everyone knew, but he was a brother who had visited remote hotels and top-tier hotels alike, and he told me this and that.
-Siwoo, accommodations in the Empire are somewhat similar. There are some in medieval Europe that are structured similarly. Man, I don't know how lucky I am to be in a party with you. This place, if you convert it to modern times, it would cost about 30 million won a night, right?
-...30 million won for one night?
-Exactly. Places like this are usually where presidents visiting on state visits stay. Being a hero is great! Hahaha.
Stories of a world I hadn't experienced. Heroes shared stories of their pasts whenever they had a chance, and those memories were helpful to me now.
"What kind of hotel would give away a room that costs 30 million won in Korean currency for free as an event?"
"...If I had come alone without you, Senior, I wouldn't have been able to sleep and would have been on guard with a knife the whole time."
"Why?"
"Things like that, it's the perfect setup for someone to sneak in at night to rape you or sell you into human trafficking, right?"
"That's true. That's common sense."
Anyone would be suspicious if they were told a room worth 30 million won a night was free.
"They aren't having a clearance sale or anything, they're just giving it away."
Even—
"Even places that put up banners saying 'The owner has gone crazy' still charge money."
"...Usually, aren't those places just charging full price while calling it a sale?"
"Exactly."
So far, we haven't spent a single penny.
"If they say they'll even give us the course meal for free, what should we think of that?"
"...That they poisoned the food?"
"Right. If this were a 0-death zone or a 1-death zone, it would definitely be poisoned."
Unless something special happens, I probably won't have to spend money as long as I don't wield my goodwill like a right.
"But Lampades is different."
"Why on earth...?"
"It's simple."
I've seen it countless times already.
"Because before people die, they want to spend every last penny of the money they've saved, regardless of wealth."
I've seen heroes preparing for their final battle enjoy their own deviations before the last fight, meeting their deaths without regrets.
"I told you. This isn't a festival; it's a place where a funeral is being held."
Whose funeral is it for?
"It's a funeral held in advance. For themselves."
It's a funeral for themselves.