The Weight of Unspoken Apologies

The waiting dragged on.

"...Anyway! That person is truly... the worst human being imaginable, Vice-Commander!"

"Uh... um... I... I understand..."

For dozens of minutes, Hans had unleashed a torrent of criticism and curses aimed at her behavior. Each time he spat out another insult, Cerise's own actions flashed before her eyes. The weight of it all—crushing her, and undoubtedly crushing the Commander who had suffered because of her—became too much to bear. She fled the scene as if escaping.

She couldn't endure it any longer.

Bang!

"Ugh... blegh..."

Rushing back to her room, Cerise felt the disgusting words and deeds she had committed rising up, making it impossible to hold back the nausea.

"Blegh..."

No... that's not what I wanted to do... I just... I felt so sorry to the Commander... I only wanted to be even a little bit helpful to him...

"....Isn't he just human garbage?!"

"Cough... hack... ugh..."

Hans's furious expression and every curse he hurled confirmed that her trivial thoughts and actions had been utterly wrong. I... I was just scared that if the Commander rejected me, I wouldn't be able to endure it... that's why I did it...

"He's nothing but a selfish lunatic! He was just toying with that man!"

"Haa... huff..."

She realized the blades she had wrapped in pretty words about "doing it for the Commander." The Commander, stabbed helplessly by those blades... how much pain must he have felt?

The thorn buried beneath her excuse of fear pierced her heart. The agony felt like her heart would burst at any moment. It was so revolting she wanted to kill herself.

"Hic... ahhh..."

Only tears flowed, dripping onto the floor. She had committed an unforgivable sin that no words or actions could undo.

"You stupid bitch...! How can you even call yourself a person..!"

Thud—thump!

Cerise slammed her fist into her own face with all her strength. If she had been an ordinary human, each blow would have been lethal.

"...You worthless trash..! You did that to the Commander..!"

Thud—thud thud—!

But her body, which had already surpassed human limits, refused to allow even that self-inflicted harm.

...No. It was her own will. She had subconsciously held back her power, afraid she might not endure even this much.

"Hic... sob..."

She was so disgusted with herself, wanting to hurt herself, yet at the same time, the fear stopped her. ....How much pain and suffering must the Commander have endured all this time? Her own pain couldn't even compare.

And so, endlessly blaming and condemning herself, she repeated apologies that would never reach him.

"...And if after all that, you don't even offer an apology. If you can't even realize your own wrongdoing... in my opinion, that person isn't even human."

".......!"

At that moment, Hans's words came flooding back.

What... what am I doing right now?

Cerise shot up from her spot. Do you think you have the right to cry here? You haven't even apologized yet. The wounds the Commander suffered run far deeper than your pathetic depression, don't they?

....Stupid bitch. Go apologize right now!

"R-right now... sniff!"

She had to kneel, bow her head, and deliver her apology no matter what. The thought struck her, and Cerise burst out of her room, rushing straight to the Commander's door.

"Khng..! Hup! Ahem... khm..."

'...What are you doing crying, you crazy bitch..! Stop it already!'

Internally tearing herself apart, Cerise desperately tried to stop the tears and wipe them away.

"Ah... ugh..."

But the tears showed no sign of stopping. If anything, they flowed even more freely.

....Just knock on the door like this. Even if he thinks I'm a pathetic bitch... as long as I can apologize.

Knock—knock—knock.

"C-Commander... are you awake...?"

Cerise knocked on the Commander's door. But no answer came.

Knock—knock—knock.

"C-Commander...?"

From the flow of mana, she could tell the Commander was definitely inside the room. There was no way she could forget the mana of the person she loved most, even if it was faint.

"Sniff... is he... sleeping?"

It seemed likely. It was already late... and the Commander tended to fall asleep early.

'W-what should I do? If I knock more now, I'll just be bothering him...'

She wanted to apologize immediately, but the fear of becoming a nuisance made Cerise pace anxiously in front of the door.

"...Yes. I'll wait until the Commander wakes up..."

After all, she was more confident in enduring and waiting than anyone else. From now until morning... it would take about ten hours, but she could easily endure that much.

Because she had to convey her heart. Because she had to apologize. A little fatigue meant nothing.

"...I'll wait."

While thinking of the words and actions of apology she would offer the Commander... morning arrived faster than expected.

"Vice-Commander? What are you doing here?"

"...Ah. I have something to see the Commander about."

"Have you been waiting since this early in the morning..?"

Seeing the mercenary's surprised face, Cerise offered a faint smile and sent him on his way.

—Vice-Commander?

—Weren't you two fighting?

—Oh... that's a relief? Make up quickly!

The other mercenaries passing by each offered a word. The common thread was that they had felt uneasy because she and the Commander seemed to be fighting. But we weren't fighting. I was the only one who did something bad by myself.

They left after offering well-wishes, hoping she and the Commander would resolve things and the mercenary group would return to its former harmony.

"Everyone... was paying attention. All because of me..."

It was my fault again. She had noticed the mercenary group's atmosphere growing heavy lately. She had thought it was simply due to accumulated fatigue from the increased workload.

I must apologize. I'll apologize to the Commander... and restore the mercenary group's atmosphere to how it used to be.

'By this time, the Commander should be awake, right?'

Knock—knock—knock.

Fearing the Commander might still be asleep, she knocked more quietly than the night before. But there was still no sign of movement. It seemed the string of exhausting events lately had led him to take proper rest.

"Vice-Commander?"

"Hans.."

"Why are you... waiting here like this."

"Ah... yes. I have something to tell the Commander."

"I see. Then rather than waiting endlessly here, wouldn't it be better to swing your sword at the training ground?"

Because the Commander might wake up at any moment. She'd wait just a little longer... then head to the training grounds.

Contrary to her excited heart that thought she would see the Commander soon, the firmly closed door never opened. And so... Cerise had ended up swinging her sword in a trance until now.

It had already passed noon... and night was approaching, yet the Commander still hadn't emerged from his room. Tomorrow they had to ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠finish preparations for battle, and the day after that they would head to Death's Canyon to subjugate monsters... would she be able to apologize before then?

Yes. She would see the Commander before then. She would definitely convey her apology.

"...I hope it goes well."

I hope he accepts my apology. And that we can return to being the harmonious mercenary group we once were... After that, I'll convey my true feelings. That I love him. That I hope he will stay by my side.

And so the sun set. Then the next day set as well, and the Commander never stepped outside his room.

"....Tomorrow. I must tell him no matter what... if not, then definitely after the battle."

At their current level, they could repel even a 5-star monster without injury. And so, the day of departure arrived.

"...Cough. The sandstorm has finally... cleared."

The Commander's complexion after several days... didn't look good at all from the outside. He seemed somehow frail, and kept coughing as if he had caught a cold.

"Commander. Are you... well enough to go?"

"Of course. I have no... problems at all. Everyone, prepare."

"Yes! Commander!"

She had been just as worried by his appearance, and when Hans approached to ask, the Commander answered that he was fine. Thus, the Ska Mercenary Group hurriedly began preparing for departure. There wasn't even time for Cerise to offer her apology; they had to finish preparations quickly. If the battle dragged on and another sandstorm came, there could be no worse disaster.

"Thanks to you, I was able to rest comfortably. Please take this."

"....I won't refuse. Thank you so much... sir. May only light fill your future paths."

And so we headed to Death's Canyon to complete the empire's direct request. To that place rumored to be infested with countless monsters and terrible disasters.

"...Once this battle is over."

I will definitely convey my heart... my apology.

Cerise steadied her burning resolve, gripped her sword, and followed the Commander.

Finally, the day to head to Death's Canyon had arrived. For the past several days, I had stayed shut in my room to get enough rest—eating, sleeping, and repeating the cycle. Of course, I did stretching and the training I could manage indoors. However, every time I moved my body vigorously, I coughed up blood, so I could only do it moderately.

'I can't afford to take any damage in this important battle.'

A battle against a 5-star monster was no joke. A single small mistake could lead to everyone's annihilation—it was that dangerous. Moreover, there was no guarantee we wouldn't encounter other monsters on the way. So I had to preserve my physical condition as much as possible.

Less than a week left... I should be able to catch the monster within that time. The moment to part with this body was approaching.

'I will finish the battle safely, without a single casualty.'

If someone has to die after this battle, let it be only me. Everyone else will become lights that ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠illuminate the empire. Not just Cerise, who will become a legend in history. Every member of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the mercenary group possesses overflowing talent and effort.

And I had already grown attached to them. As I said before, I absolutely hate it when even the slightest harm comes to characters I've grown attached to.

You all... are truly wonderful people. You'll do well. Even without me.

As I walked toward Death's Canyon, I etched the faces of the mercenaries I would likely never see again after this battle, one by one, into my memory.