A Pure and Bright Worldview
I was a blessed child. While I might not have been born with a golden spoon in my mouth, it was at least a sturdy iron one. I grew up as a cherished only daughter in a harmonious household, free from any major discord. And it wasn't just at home. When I was young, the world was always kind to me. My natural disposition—loving people, getting along with them easily, and having no real greed beyond making friends—made my life rich and comfortable back then.
A "worldview" is, by definition, one's perspective on the world. By that standard, my worldview was a flower garden. Yes, even now. A head full of flowers. While that phrase is often used to describe someone hopelessly optimistic, I can say with confidence: I put a great deal of effort into cultivating this garden.
When the time came for my ego to expand rapidly, pushing the things that filled my childhood world into the corners and leaving friends to occupy most of that space, I learned a lesson. I learned that my newly widened world was just as full of malice as it was of goodwill. In that peer-centered world, I had simply wanted to get along with everyone, regardless of gender. Yet, before I knew it, only the so-called popular kids remained around me.
At first, I thought I was just the type of person who belonged with them, that it was simply my lot in life. But they were not the kind of people who would protect my flower garden. The boys fought over me, and the girls envied and resented me. They showed me their ugly sides—despising and bullying other kids just because they were popular—and in doing so, they began to ruin the worldview I had spent my entire life building.
I had to distance myself from them. But they possessed a useless sense of tribalism; if I left, they would surely brand me a traitor and darken my bright world even further. That was when I sought out my very first boyfriend. He was a boy with excellent grades who got along with everyone and never lost his smile. Backed by his sociability, he possessed an influence that even the group I hung out with couldn't easily mess with. He was my ideal state—not my ideal type, but my ideal state. My ideal type was a cute boy with clear, innocent eyes who would fit perfectly into my pure world.
But an ideal type was just an ideal. I needed him right then. Someone I wanted to emulate was more than enough. Conveniently, he also showed interest in me. I pursued him actively and won him over, which naturally distanced me from my old crowd. Spending time with him allowed me to grow closer to kids who suited my bright, refreshing world. However, we broke up soon after.
"You... don't really feel like my girlfriend."
That was his reason. I had nothing to say. I had been so busy making new friends through him and hanging out with them that my boyfriend had actually been pushed to the back burner.
"But... did you have fun while we were dating?"
It was a question meant to ease my own guilt. If I could at least remain a pleasant memory to him, I couldn't ask for anything more.
"Hmm... It was interesting, yeah. Watching you try so hard. Though near the end, it got so pitiful I could barely watch."
I had tried in my own way. I researched what boys liked in a relationship and how a girlfriend was supposed to behave. I searched the internet and even asked AI to study up. Except for excessive physical contact, which felt uncomfortably sticky and unpleasant to me, I did my best to make him feel like he was actually dating someone whenever we were together. And yet, he said it had been pitiful to watch.
"That's... a bit embarrassing..."
"Oh, I didn't mean to embarrass you. Anyway, let's keep being good friends."
We shook hands cleanly and parted ways. Though we didn't actually end up remaining good friends. He got a new girlfriend almost immediately, and because she was self-conscious about me being his ex, we had no choice but to drift apart.
After that, to avoid ever getting mixed up with the wrong crowd again and to surround myself with diverse people who enriched my life, I made an effort to distinguish and understand malice and goodwill. Whether approaching someone or avoiding them, one must understand them first to prevent any future trouble. Thanks to that, I was able to maintain a friendly, comfortable distance from my old group without any major conflicts. Before I knew it, I had become a friend with enough influence to mediate between others. I was a blessed person, living a fulfilling life that had reached the ideal state I had dreamed of.
Of course, no life is perfect. I had my flaws too. Especially when it came to romance. There were plenty of boys who wanted to date me, and I usually accepted the ones who were nice and showed commendable effort. The old relationship adage about not feeding a caught fish held mostly true, but I never went out of my way to break up with them. Walking around with the "in a relationship" label drastically reduced the number of annoying advances I received. Even if someone did try, my excuse for rejection was so ironclad that I could brush them off instantly.
The problem was that because I prioritized their efforts for me above all else, my boyfriends always ended up putting me on a pedestal. Without realizing it, I became arrogant, developing a bad habit of treating my boyfriends carelessly—a stark contrast to how I treated others. Usually, they would get exhausted and give up, or we would slowly drift apart and break up naturally. It wasn't that I never dumped anyone, though. Any boy who showed a dark, tar-like lust was cut off immediately. Though I never gave that as the official reason.
Intercourse was simply the act that had sustained life from ancient times to the present. Thus, there was no reason to shun it. However, it was not yet time for it to enter my world. It was a dark, sticky impurity that had no business invading my pure, bright world. It was merely an obstacle I would eventually have to overcome to build the sweet, happy family I envisioned for my future. And that remained true even when I grew up and met my ideal type.
Seong Haun.
It was the first time. A boy so cute and beautiful that he fit my world so perfectly I wanted to lock him away. I couldn't contain my joy when we ended up in the same class. I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend, and there were plenty of opportunities to get close. I was confident that with the relationship skills I had honed over the years, I could easily make him mine.
Easily? Easily, my foot. It was a total joke. I only knew how to date boys who approached me first; I had absolutely no idea how a girl was supposed to pursue a boy.
On top of that, for some reason, Haun seemed to draw a line and refuse to let anyone cross it. Not on purpose, but unconsciously. Trying to figure out how to make Haun my man, I decided to learn more about him first. Prepared to even let my feelings slip, I resolved to seek help from Yuna, a friend who had gone to the same high school as him.
"Hmm... Looks like you've got feelings for Haun."
"No... It's not really like that..."
"Who are you trying to fool? I can tell instantly. Haun is totally your type."
"How do you even know that..."
"How should I put it... Sometimes when I look at you, it reminds me of when I was younger and didn't know anything about men. Back when I was dating Haun."
"What?!"
In front of her playful smile, I couldn't hide my shock.
"Hehe, you look pretty shocked. Well? Feel like being honest now?"
"Ugh..."
She was telling me that if I kept hiding it, she wouldn't help me.
"Fine... I admit it."
I nodded. In an instant, the smile vanished from her face.
"Honestly... I don't know if this will help you, but... give up."
At first, I thought she was urging me to give up because she still had lingering feelings for Haun. But a shadow of worry crossed her face. Though I didn't know who it was directed at, it was clearly a concern born of goodwill.
"Why?"
"Can you... actually kiss Haun?"
"What? Out of nowhere?"
"Answer me seriously."
"Umm... Of course I can. If he becomes my boyfriend, I can hug him and peck him all the time."
"No, not a peck. I mean with your tongue, like this, and like this. You know? A deep, passionate, wet kiss."
Yuna closed her eyes and playfully flicked her tongue.
"Ugh, cut it out."
"Hehehe, imagine Haun doing this to you."
"Who kisses like that?"
"Oh dear, oh dear. This is what happens when you only learn about kissing from a screen. This is exactly what's going on inside the mouth, okay?"
"By that logic, eating is also disgusting if you expose what's going on inside the mouth."
"Tsk, brat. You just hate losing, don't you?"
Yuna glanced at me with mock annoyance, but a confident smile quickly returned to her lips.
"So... you're saying you can handle a deep kiss?"
"Well... it's not like I couldn't..."
"Then what about after that?"
According to the social consensus on relationship progression, what came after kissing was sex.
"Is that really necessary?"
At my retort, she clicked her tongue as if she had been waiting for it.
"I knew it, I knew it. He might look like that on the outside, but he's incredibly lustful."
"No way... Haun?"
I couldn't even picture it.
"Oh my, look at Ji Sua. Why are you acting so unlike yourself? Aren't you the one who says we shouldn't judge people by their looks?"
This girl was absolutely loving this.
"Are you seriously enjoying this that much? I'm being serious here."
"Keke... When else would I ever get to see this? Ji Sua, floundering in a clumsy, naive crush."
"You..."
"But don't worry, I won't spread rumors. I'll keep the entertainment to myself. It's not like it's anything to brag about anyway. It's not going to work out regardless."
"Why not? Haun might be willing to wait. We'll do it once we get married anyway."
Hearing my words, Yuna let out a deep sigh.
"Sigh... Sua. You know I usually think you're a stuck-up brat, right?"
It wasn't out of malice. I knew well enough that she was actually complimenting me in her own roundabout way.
"But today, your stuck-up attitude has officially hit its absolute peak."
Once again, the playfulness vanished from Yuna's face. At least in that brief moment, she truly seemed to despise me.