Throw It Away When You Get Tired of Playing With It
“Throw it away when you get tired of playing with it.”
“Secret… friend?”
“Yeah.” The phrasing sounded a little strange, but the meaning behind it wasn’t. “It means we keep the fact that we’re friends a secret from everyone else.”
“Why?”
“If people find out I’ve become friends with you, it’ll cause a mountain of annoying problems.”
“Then… I can’t even brag about it?”
“Nope.”
The moment he shut it down so decisively, Iris’s face crumpled into an incredibly gloomy expression.
“Can’t we just be normal friends instead of secret friends? You’re my very first friend, Evan-Evan… I wanted to brag about you and chatter about you with everyone.”
“It’s my first time too.”
At Evan’s confession, Iris stared at him with wide eyes, as if asking whether he was serious.
“Why are you looking at me like I’ve grown a second head? Is there anyone in this place who could actually be my friend?”
“There’s the jiangshi sister.”
“Kaede is less of a friend and more like a kid I’m responsible for.”
“……But the jiangshi sister is bigger than Evan-Evan?”
“In this world, there’s a difference between how old you look and how old you are mentally.”
…Like you. Evan swallowed the rest of the sentence.
“What about the scary uncle and Natalia?”
“If those two looked like friends to you, then you seriously need to get your eyes examined.”
His relationship with the pair was more lord-and-subject than anything… no, it went beyond that into outright master-and-servant territory. The lich offered blind faith and devotion. Natalia’s methods were radical and downright bizarre, but her desire to be useful to Evan was genuine. Listing them one by one only gave him a headache.
A fanatical lich, an overprotective Kaede, a willful Natalia.
Why isn’t there a single normal person around me?
Even if you excluded the undead, the situation didn’t improve. An idiot saintess. An archbishop willing to cooperate with the Devil of Abaddon. A fanatic priest he didn’t even want to think about. And finally, a hero who had abandoned his wife and child, vanished, and only now crawled back.
“……Is the problem me?”
He muttered the words unconsciously, recalling his old master’s saying: if everyone around you is an idiot, you should check whether you’re an idiot too.
“Evan-Evan?”
“No, I was just thinking about something else for a second.”
No. I’m normal. It was simply that Abaddon’s nature made it difficult for normal people to wander in. Only those with a screw or two loose ended up here.
“Anyway, what I said earlier wasn’t a lie. I’ve never had a friend in my entire life.”
“Then… I’m really your first?”
“Yes.”
“I’m your first friend, hehehe……”
Iris couldn’t hide the silly smile or the giggles that kept slipping out. Evan tossed out the next words like bait.
“Of course, that’s only if you agree to keep it secret.”
“You won’t be my friend for real?”
“I already told you. It’ll get annoying. We might not even be able to see each other anymore. They’ll do everything they can to tear us apart.”
The words carried a hint of threat, but they weren’t false. If word spread that the Saintess and Abaddon’s Devil had become friends, the Holy Kingdom’s reaction was painfully easy to predict.
Iris went deathly pale and shook her head so hard her pink hair whipped wildly around her face.
“I don’t want that!”
“Then we’ll have to keep it a secret.”
“But……”
Iris trailed off, letting out a discontented little whine.
“If we’re secret friends, I’ll have to pretend I’m not close to Evan-Evan at all.”
“Hmm?”
“I won’t be able to ask you to hold my hand or pat my head. I’ll have to talk to you the way Rowena and Alphonse do.”
She shook her head vigorously, as though the mere thought disgusted her.
“I hate it. That kind of thing……”
Hearing her actual reason for rejecting the idea of secret friends, Evan let out a disbelieving laugh.
“You’re worrying about pointless things.”
“Huh?”
“Weren’t those exactly the things you pestered me for even before we were friends?”
Honestly, the most surprising part was realizing Iris had recognized all her previous behavior as “skinship between close people.”
So it wasn’t that she didn’t know better. She knew perfectly well and still did it because she wanted to?
“I don’t understand why you stopped caring about my reaction only after we became friends.”
It was a genuine question. Iris fidgeted, mumbling her answer.
“Because… Evan-Evan might get annoyed and cancel the friend status……”
“So before, when we weren’t friends anyway, you had nothing to lose and demanded everything?”
“Yes……”
Was this cunning or just plain stupid? He couldn’t decide.
“…Are you angry?”
“Not particularly. But let me ask you one thing.”
Evan was inwardly puzzled.
“Is there a reason you want to get this close to me?”
From Evan’s perspective, there were plenty of benefits. Even setting everything else aside, the ability to touch holy relics and personally experience divinity would accelerate his research dozens of times over. It even opened the previously unthinkable option of “seizing the holy relic,” provided he ignored the fallout.
Of course, that’s still impossible right now.
Simply knowing such a possibility existed meant Evan would reap numerous advantages moving forward. What he couldn’t figure out was what Iris gained from the relationship.
“Do I have to tell you?”
“You don’t have to. But I’ll always suspect you. Because I won’t know what you’re hoping to gain by staying at my side.”
“…I hate you.”
Iris pouted in a tiny voice, then avoided his gaze, staring at the floor as she answered.
“…Because you’re pretty.”
“So being next to you makes me feel good.”
“That’s all.”
She glanced up at him shyly, her face flushed as red as her hair.
“Well… that’s certainly a unique preference, Saintess.”
He didn’t think she was lying. After all, the only thing Iris could realistically gain from him was a method to lift her curses. Any attempt to seduce him with beauty in order to negotiate from an advantageous position was far too clumsy.
Especially when she herself doesn’t even realize she’s cursed.
“I’m a materialistic man, Saintess. I suggested friendship because the benefits you provide are substantial. It isn’t out of pure goodwill like yours.”
“Then… was the friend thing a lie? You were just planning to use me?”
“If that were the case, I wouldn’t have been this honest about it.”
Evan extended his pinky finger.
“So let’s make a promise.”
“Promise?”
He cast a spell on himself.
『As long as this relationship benefits me, I too shall regard Saintess Iris as a friend.』
Though Evan had never once had a friend before, he knew perfectly well that normal friendships were never formed this way. Still, this was the greatest sincerity he could offer. A binding cast by the continent’s greatest sorcerer upon himself. A vow that he would not simply use her, but would offer genuine emotion in return.
“Can’t the condition be that you like me?”
“If you don’t want to, forget it.”
“I want to!”
Fearing he might pull his hand away, Iris hurriedly grabbed his pinky and hooked hers around it.
“The token of our promise is…”
Evan thought of the most valuable thing he currently possessed. He reached to the back of his neck and unfastened the necklace that had nearly exhausted its magic power.
“Let’s go with this.”
He had used it purely for its function, but the accessory itself was quite beautiful.
“You’re really giving this to me?”
“Yes. It might not be very useful to you… but it’s expensive. Do you not like it?”
“No! I love it! It’s so pretty!”
Iris happily accepted the necklace, then struggled to put it on, her face soon crumpling into a pout.
“Evan-Evan…… why won’t it go on?”
“Give it here. I’ll put it on for you.”
“Really?”
He moved behind her, gently gathering her pink hair and sweeping it forward over her shoulder.
“Huu, it tickles.”
“Stay still.”
It wasn’t a particularly long chain to begin with. Every time Iris shivered or giggled about the tickling sensation, the clasp shifted and missed. After several attempts, it finally clicked into place. Evan gave the necklace a light tug left and right to make sure it was secure before releasing it and stepping back.
“There. Done.”
Iris spun in place with a bright giggle, then stepped right up to Evan, proudly lifting her chin.
“How does it look?”
It had originally been made for a woman, and the way it complemented her sky-blue eyes and the transparent crystal containing blue liquid at its center was strikingly lovely.
“It suits you well.”
When I wore it, it looked like a dog collar.
Was it the difference in neck thickness? Evan wasn’t particularly bulky, but his neck was naturally thicker than hers.
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Hehe……”
Apparently even that small compliment delighted her; she kept stroking the necklace, cheeks glowing.
Evan finished by casting one last spell on it.
『As long as the promise is kept, that necklace shall never break.』
He poured every last drop of remaining magic power into it, granting the necklace a conditional indestructible property. It had been precious to begin with, but now it was a proper return gift worthy of the sincerity Iris had shown—the temporary ownership of the Holy Spear.
“Don’t lose it.”
“I won’t! I’m going to wear it every single day!”
“Good.”
Iris kept smiling brightly for a long while before suddenly seeming to realize something.
“I’ll give you a present too!”
“A present out of nowhere?”
“A present that will help Evan-Evan!”
She beamed and pointed at the Holy Spear.
“Take that!”
“……What?”
“You looked like you wanted it. I don’t need it!”
“……”
Evan was momentarily speechless. Setting aside Iris’s casual willingness to hand over a holy relic simply because he seemed to want it—
Is there anything I could give the Saintess that would match the value of a holy relic?
If he truly meant to treat her as a friend rather than use her, Evan needed to show a reasonable amount of goodwill in return. Iris’s pure smile suddenly felt like a test that pierced straight through his heart.
Will you really become my friend? Or are you only using me?
“……Scary.”
“Huh? What is?”
“You.”
Iris looked at him with pure, uncomprehending eyes.
“……I was thinking maybe you’re doing this while knowing everything.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Then it’s better that way.”
With some regret, Evan returned the Holy Spear to her.
“Take it back. I can’t accept this.”
“You don’t need it?”
“I do need it.”
“Then why?”
Evan could have listed any number of valid reasons—the Empire’s backlash, the Holy Kingdom’s protests—but instead of explaining them all in tedious detail, he simply concluded.
“That doesn’t belong to you, does it?”
“It belongs to the Holy Kingdom?”
“Right now the Empire is borrowing it by paying a fair price.”
Though the Empire was probably searching for a new candidate worthy of the Spear Hero… the fact that the Saintess had arbitrarily taken the spear and handed it to Evan wouldn’t simply vanish.
“Then… did I steal this from the ugly uncle?”
“That’s how it would appear.”
He reached out and gently ruffled the hair of the now thoroughly dejected, teary-eyed Iris.
“There isn’t only one way to help me, and it doesn’t have to be gifting me the Holy Spear. Besides, I never intended to keep it forever anyway.”
“Then?”
Evan offered a compromise.
“I’ll pay the rightful owner a fair price to borrow it. So every time I need to borrow it, I’d appreciate your help. After all, I can’t even touch the spear without you.”
This would mean having to borrow the Holy Spear from Locke every single time, but Evan wasn’t particularly worried.
There are plenty of ways to threaten him.
He could use Locke’s personal history, or appeal to his sense of duty as a hero. There were many methods that came to mind; he simply hadn’t considered them before because obtaining the spear didn’t mean he could actually use it.
“So let’s head back for now. If you keep beating the hero like a rat, he’s going to stop breathing.”
“Okay! Evan-Evan!”
“……It’s Just Evan. Now that we’re friends, at least call my name properly. Iris.”
“Okay! Just Evan!”
“Sigh……”
[Oh my, benefactor. What kind of trash have you picked up?]
Natalia spoke in a tone of genuine pity, gazing at Evan—or more precisely, at the unconscious Locke being dragged along behind him.
[Put him over there. I’ll dispose of him for you.]
“How exactly do you plan to dispose of him?”
[I was thinking of pushing him off the canyon. That son of a— I mean, that piece of trash. Hurry and hand him over.]
“……Hmm.”
It would be inconvenient if he died right now.
Evan pondered for a long moment before speaking.
“How about playing with him until you get tired, then throwing him away?”
[Huh?]
[Ooh. Our King.]
The lich, who had been watching silently, let out an admiring sigh.
[As expected of the one called King of the Undead. Such a thought and mindset are truly fitting. I am in awe. To be so perfect even though you have not yet shed your human flesh……!]
“……”
[I shall follow you for all eternity. Our King.]
……What is this? Why doesn’t it feel like praise at all?