Taming the Idiot Saint
Evan frowned at the voice calling out to him. The awkwardness came from the fact that it wasn't Kaede's usual tone—the one she used to wake him. But before long, his desire for more sleep overpowered that discomfort. 'I'm tired.'
Last night, after returning, he'd endured a long lecture from Kaede due to her overprotective nature, so he wanted to sleep a little longer. The memory of her voice alone was exhausting.
-Did you really use all ten rings?
-What would you have done if you'd run into the Hero there, of all people?!
-This won't do. From now on, I must follow right behind Master at all times...!!
Even recalling it made him tired. He had no idea how much trouble it had been just to calm her down.
[Benefactor? The head maid says breakfast is ready and asks you to come down right away.]
'Just let me sleep, damn it.'
“...I'll skip it.”
[She specifically told me to wake you no matter what. But I can't lay a hand on your body, Benefactor... so this can't be helped.]
'Yeah. Go away.'
Evan was just about to drift back into sleep at the unexpectedly reasonable response.
[Miss Iris, sunlight blast!]
“Blast!”
Even without the beam hitting his eyes, it would have been the same. The intense light pierced through his eyelids. He covered his eyes, rolled off the bed, and stubbed his toe.
“Ow!”
“You're up! Evan-Evan! Let's eat breakfast!”
Iris, bright and cheerful from the crack of dawn, and Natalia, wearing the same style of maid uniform as Kaede over her nothing-but-bones body.
“...What the hell is this?”
[The head maid said to definitely wake you, Benefactor.]
“And why is the Saint here?”
[When I said I was going to wake you, she insisted on coming along.]
Watching Natalia answer so boldly, Evan regretted—for the first time—bringing her back as an undead.
“From now on, don't let the Saint into my room. That's an order.”
“Why-y?!”
“Do you have anything to say after shooting a beam of light into a sleeping person's eyes?”
“I wanted to give you some sunlight!”
“...Still no.”
Ignoring Iris, who puffed out her cheeks in a pout, Evan got up from the floor. Any chance of sleep had completely vanished. Even if he tried to lie down again, it was clear Iris and Natalia wouldn't leave him alone.
Frowning at the sunlight that followed him no matter which way he turned, Evan said, “I'm up now, so get rid of the sunlight.”
“Okay!”
When Iris opened her cupped hands, the sunlight that had been chasing Evan faded and disappeared.
'Just what kind of principle is this?'
It ignored the basic rule that light travels in straight lines and followed him anyway. And the fact that it didn't even consume any divine power made this a minor but undeniable kind of miracle.
“Can all the Saintesses of the Heavenly Mother Church drag sunlight around like this?”
“I don't know!”
“...Right.”
'I was an idiot for even asking.'
What would this idiot Saint possibly know?
“...Now get out.”
“Huh?”
[Pardon?]
Evan pointed toward the bedroom door with his finger while looking at Iris, who stared at him with sparkling eyes, and Natalia, who stood firmly in place.
“Get out. I need to change.”
[I should stay and watch in case you try to go back to sleep...]
“Natalia, if you don't want to ascend to the afterlife, take the Saint and leave quietly.”
Natalia closed her clacking jaw and carefully picked up Iris before retreating. It seemed she'd realized this was Evan's final warning.
“...Sigh.”
Evan had gotten what he wanted, but he let out a sigh as if he weren't pleased at all. It was because of Natalia's perceptiveness.
'She acts like she knows exactly when I'm about to explode.'
He'd thought picking up this annoying undead was already enough of a headache, but he never imagined she'd be bold enough to use the Saint, Iris, without hesitation.
'Her name is Natalia, and her education level is clearly above that of a commoner.'
Evan slowly unbuttoned his shirt, thinking that things were going to be incredibly tiring from now on. An undead who exhausted him in a completely different way from Kaede's overprotectiveness.
[Benefactor? Are you going back to sleep? I'm coming i—]
“I'll kill you if you come in.”
. . .
Clatter.
“......”
“......Hehe.”
“Ahem.”
The dining table made each person's emotions crystal clear. Evan frowned from exhaustion and silently moved his spoon. Iris took one bite, let out a silly laugh, then took another bite, repeating the cycle. Kaede stayed by her side, wiping the food that kept smearing around Iris's mouth with a handkerchief.
“Lady Iris, it's better to focus on your meal while eating.”
“Thanks, Jiangshi big sis.”
“Not at all.”
And Rowena, who couldn't bring herself to scold the scene but couldn't hide her discomfort either.
“Ahem!”
“Rowena, did you catch a cold?”
“...No, Saintess.”
By the way, Alphonse was eating separately. After hearing about yesterday's events, Rowena had been furious at him for trying to take Iris back to the Holy Kingdom without permission. As punishment and a period of self-reflection, she'd confined him to his room.
Evan suspected that Rowena's anger toward Alphonse wasn't about the attempt to take Iris to the Holy Kingdom itself, but about the damage the Holy Kingdom would suffer as a result. And the fact that she asked this right after the meal ended suggested his guess wasn't far off.
“King of Abaddon. When do you intend to pay the price you promised?”
“I was planning to start today anyway.”
Even without Rowena's prompting, he needed to examine Iris's body if he was going to begin research on the essence and principles of divine power.
“Start what?”
“It's treatment to make Lady Iris healthy.”
“I'm healthy though?”
“You'll become even healthier.”
When Kaede skillfully stepped in and explained Iris's question in simple terms, Iris made a slightly reluctant face but nodded.
“Okay.”
“Yes. When it's over, I'll give you snacks.”
“Really?”
At Kaede's single sentence, Iris broke into a huge smile and stomped her feet in excitement. Leaving her like that, Evan and Rowena were each thinking of their own goals.
Evan thought of the progress of his research. Rowena thought of how to persuade Iris to return to the Holy Kingdom once the curses were lifted.
That's why no one seriously considered the possibility.
“I don't wanna—!!!!!!”
The chance that Iris would react so violently to the words 'I'll draw some blood for examination.'
. . .
“No! You said it was treatment!”
“...It's necessary for the treatment.”
“Don't wanna! I'm healthy!”
Evan's head was pounding. Iris had followed obediently behind him all the way to the laboratory, but the moment he pulled out a needle about as thick as his index finger, her face went pale. She immediately hid behind Kaede's back and refused to budge. It was outright desperate refusal.
“Lady Iris, if you endure it just a little, I'll pile a plate full of snacks for you...”
“Don't wanna!!”
Kaede also looked quite troubled. Rowena, who had followed along under the pretext of watching in case Kaede did something to Iris, clearly hadn't expected this either.
“It won't hurt.”
“Liar!”
“I'll use a spell to remove the pain, so it really won't hurt.”
“But that didn't work on me before!”
'...She's usually so stupid, so why does she remember this so clearly?'
It was true that Iris had an unusually resistant constitution to curses. Transformation spells, illusion spells, fear-inducing spells—none of them had worked on her at all.
“...The pain will only last a second. It'll be over in one second.”
“I'm not doing it!”
“......”
For a brief moment, Evan imagined ordering Kaede to hold Iris down and just stabbing the needle in. '...That wouldn't work.' Even if he borrowed the power of the Black Sun to restrain her and draw blood... the mansion would be half-destroyed.
“Archbishop. Any ideas?”
“Does it look like I have any?”
At Rowena's retort, Evan sighed and set the needle down. Realizing he'd given up, Kaede coaxed Iris—who was still hiding behind her back and refusing to come out—and led her away.
Only Rowena and Evan remained in the laboratory.
“Is drawing blood absolutely necessary?”
“No.”
“Then there's no need to force it...”
“It's the same as saying faith in God doesn't require religion or doctrine.”
“......”
“Or that learning a subject doesn't require a teacher or textbooks.”
The implication—that it would be extremely inefficient and highly likely to go off track—left Rowena silent.
'In truth, there are ways to skip all the intermediate steps and do it quickly.'
Evan gazed at the Black Sun burning in the sky beyond the laboratory window.
'But I have no obligation to use that.'
Not only would it prevent proper research on divine power, it would also stray from his own goals.
“Is there really no other way?”
“...There isn't.”
'Liar.'
Evan now knew that this archbishop was surprisingly bad at hiding her true feelings. Just like earlier, whenever something bothered her, she couldn't meet his eyes. The fact that she still wouldn't speak even after Iris left suggested it was a personal issue.
“Then try persuading the Saint.”
“Hmm.”
“Or secretly draw the blood.”
The latter was impossible, so it was essentially an order to persuade Iris no matter what. And that duty wasn't limited to Rowena alone.
'I can't start the research without materials.'
“I'll do my best.”
“I'll think if there's another method too.”
Though the two harbored different thoughts, they agreed on one purpose.
. . .
“No luck?”
“Yes... it seems it was too much.”
That night, in his room, Evan let out a groan as he listened to Kaede's report.
'Persuasion didn't work.'
Even Kaede, who had grown much closer to Iris under his orders, apparently couldn't break through her stubbornness.
“The mere mention of it made her recoil in terror and back away.”
“...Do you think it'll be possible if you get even closer?”
“I'll try, but I'm not sure how much closer we can get than this.”
Evan knew Kaede wasn't exaggerating. After all, Iris followed her around like a baby bird chasing its mother, showing unwavering affection.
Evan let out a deep sigh.
“If we could negotiate with the Saint, maybe...”
“It's not easy in her current state...”
“What if we tempt her with even tastier snacks?”
“It would be better than doing nothing, but I don't see the chances being very high.”
Evan lightly bit his lip, wondering if he should visit the Whirlpool Market again to buy more sugar, when Natalia—who had been silently listening until now—spoke up.
[I do have an idea that came to mind.]
Evan and Kaede both turned to look at Natalia at the same time. They'd invited her to this meeting after giving her high marks for this morning's events, but they hadn't actually expected her to come up with a solution. That made it all the more surprising.
“What is it?”
“Natalia, do you have a plan?”
[Um... I'm not sure if I should say this, but...]
“There's no one else listening.”
“We've gathered to discuss solutions to this problem, so feel free to share any opinion.”
[If both of you insist... then I'll give my suggestion.]
Natalia slowly opened her mouth.
[Why don't we tame her?]
“...What?”
[In circuses, they train animals really well and make them jump through burning hoops, right?]
“......”
[Even beasts that don't understand words can overcome their instincts if trained properly. So if it's a person who can understand words, there's no reason it wouldn't work, is there?]
'Why the hell did I bring her back?'
Evan had that thought for what felt like the umpteenth time and let out a sigh so heavy it seemed the ground might collapse.