Giving Up
"Thanks for the meal."
"Ah, yeah. Go rest inside, Oppa."
"Nah, I should clean up. You made the food."
"Forget it. You always did it during Suneung season. I'll handle it today."
"...Fine, whatever."
We finished what was basically brunch first, and I got up from my seat. I let go of her hand and headed to the bathroom to scrub every inch of my body clean.
Something felt off. There were only the two of us at home, but the fact that no weird thoughts were creeping in felt weird in itself.
...Though honestly, having those thoughts in the first place is probably the weirder thing.
I just wasn't in the mood today. I wanted to sleep. I gave up on thinking and collapsed onto my bed, but sleep wouldn't come, of course. I blamed the bright light and pulled down the blinds, but my eyelids still showed no sign of growing heavy.
Guess it's because I slept so deeply my head hurt. Eventually, after lying there staring blankly at the ceiling, the door opened without a knock.
There she was—my sister in one of my T-shirts and shorts, with just a cardigan thrown over. Gyeo-ul, same as always. Just seeing her made a smile slip out unbidden.
"What if you just barge in without knocking?"
"Do we really need that between us, Oppa?"
"I might be trying to have some alone time."
"Eww, with me right here?"
"...You know that's not what I meant?"
I pushed myself up from the bed and walked toward her. Truth be told, I wasn't really planning on doing anything. Mom would be back before dinner, and I wasn't in some insanely frustrated state anyway.
That didn't mean I didn't want to be with her, though. I wanted to be together, hang out, live life side by side—the feelings that started when we crossed that line hadn't changed once since then. They probably never would.
"You mean there's no way you'd do that with your little sister prancing around the house, right?"
"Do we really need words like 'no way' between us?"
"...Were you actually thinking about it? You total perv."
"...With just the two of us here, keep poking at me like that and it kinda sounds like you're asking for it, doesn't it?"
...I hadn't actually been thinking that. But with her teasing me like this, not doing anything felt a little mean.
I took one more step and reached out to pull her down onto the bed, but this time she shook her head, refusing.
"That's not it. ...It's been a no-sex day since yesterday, so that's all."
"...Then what?"
"You looked tired, Oppa... I figured if I left you alone, you'd sleep, so I came to wake you."
"If I'm sleeping, just let me sleep. Why wake me?"
"...Doesn't sleeping alone feel kinda unfair?"
"..."
"You didn't pick up yesterday... so... make it up to me."
I took another step toward her and reached out. One hand on her head, the other on her waist, I pulled her into my arms. We backed up to the bed and lay down. She squirmed under my weight, wriggling off me to the edge of the mattress. I rolled over to follow her.
We faced each other, pulled the blanket over us, shared the same pillow, exchanged our first kiss of the day, and hugged tight enough to make breathing a little hard.
...Haa. Now that I'm breathing in your scent, sleepiness is finally hitting.
"Gyeo-ul... wanna nap together for like two hours?"
"Sleeping might be... weird. Let's just lie here still. ...If we fall asleep and end up doing stuff like last time, it'll be risky again."
"...Yeah."
A yawn slipped out at the pathetic state we were in, unable even to nap properly.
...Is there an answer? What should we do?
Even without lust mixed in, just sharing body heat like this felt so comfortable and happy. As we closed our eyes and breathed each other in deeply, she spoke up cautiously.
"...Hey, Oppa."
"What."
"We said we'd go abroad later... right?"
"...Yeah."
"Will it... work out if we do?"
"..."
Will it? Dropping into a foreign place with no one we know, just the two of us siblings—can we make it?
We haven't exactly felt deprived living like this so far. But if things go wrong, can we handle it?
"Gyeo-ul."
"Yeah."
"...Honestly, I don't wanna go abroad."
"..."
"Say we emigrate together... who would understand?"
"..."
"Even if we live together there for a few years, won't everyone figure it out? ...That our relationship is suspicious."
Siblings who stuck together constantly through college, never dating anyone. Then suddenly, we up and emigrate as a pair. We don't return for years, barely keeping in touch. When we finally reconnect after ages, we're still living as inseparable siblings—who could buy that?
Who would fall for it?
"Yeah... probably."
"...Even if others don't notice, Mom definitely would."
"...Yeah."
"The aunts would too... Yo-han Hyung and Anna Noona as well."
We don't need understanding from outsiders. We could ignore weird looks or gossip, as long as they don't outright say anything.
But not from family. To them, we're the smart nieces and nephews, the adorable little cousins, kids they love more than their own eyes.
"Even if we make new friends there... we're still siblings. Us."
"...Yeah."
"If we fake new identities to live there, we could never come back. ...Then we'd probably never see Mom again."
Even abroad, unless we dive into something illegal, we're siblings. Running away means no return. We could pretend otherwise, but blood ties don't change. We fell for each other because we're siblings—and that's why we shouldn't. We can never escape that fact.
"...No matter where we go, no place will accept us. Better to stay here where at least people speak the language... I thi...nk..."
"..."
Running anywhere, we're each other's only lifeline. Building friendships and bonds would just expose us eventually. Our relationship no one acknowledges—not even cousins, not half-siblings from one parent's side. Pure, taboo incest love, shunned everywhere. Running was foolish from the start.
"...Still, if we stay here, we'll manage somehow. We graduated college fine... we'll land good jobs. Right? We're Mom's kids, after all."
"...Yeah."
If we could hide being siblings, no one would have suspected us by now. Too many already doubt or know our secret. Going abroad changes nothing.
Unless we hole up forever, we'll always live in fear wherever we are.
"Korea's great for living. We can keep this house or... get our own somehow. Raise a cat, a dog, bicker and make up just us... we'll... live well... fine..."
"..."
I don't even hope for marriage and kids—that was off the table before we crossed the line. Siblings who never planned to marry anyway...
Just... stroking and comforting each other because living alone sucks... that should be... okay, right...?
"...Don't cry, Oppa..."
"I'm not... crying..."
...I'm not. She's lying. I'm happy right now—why cry? Hugging my beloved sister for a nap. Ate a hearty breakfast, feeling great. No way I'm crying. You're the crybaby, not me.
"Let's just live in Korea... Oppa..."
"...Yeah. ...We have to take care of Mom."
"...Yeah."
"She'd be lonely without us... even with all her friends..."
"...Yeah."
No matter how ungrateful and twisted we are, pretending by her side beats abandoning her and running. We're grown in body but kids in head, never met the right people. Shy, no dating experience, can't make partners. Mom, we're good-looking enough. She's pretty too. Picky standards, can't marry. Let's just live as three. ...No other choices left.
"If the aunts say something... use Yo-han Hyung as a shield. Like, 'He's not married either—why can't we be the same?'"
"..."
"Anna Noona's single too... doesn't seem interested in marriage. If she complains, hit back—tell her to date and marry first."
"...Yeah."
"...Ignore everyone else. No need to care what strangers think. Just look after family. ...Worrying about randos would drive us crazy."
"...Yeah. Let's do that, Oppa."
My head already felt like bursting. This future we're sketching feels so unstable and fragile, I doubt it's even possible. Add prying eyes, and I can't take it.
"...Shouldn't have majored in English Lit."
"Why? It's good. Decent for a humanities degree."
"No need to learn English now..."
"English isn't just for emigrating. ...We'll travel abroad lots instead. With Mom sometimes, just us other times."
"...Yeah."
"Can't do this at home much to stay hidden. But world's full of fun spots now. ...No running—let's make it work here."
"...Yeah, let's try, Oppa..."
This was our only path to live together. A future without carefree hugs, kisses, or falling asleep side by side—but it's okay. Not impossible. Not criminal. Korea won't jail us for loving like this. We can endure that much.
If everything went perfectly, it'd get boring anyway. Hiding adds spice, keeps us from tiring of each other. It'll be fine. It has to be.
We prayed desperately together to protect that future.