Kisses Until the New Year
One hour until the New Year. Not in my room, but on my little sister's bed. You, not wearing a stitch, hiding under the covers with just your head peeking out. Me, at least managing to slip on a pair of panties. We both grin broadly as I lift the blanket and slip inside. A nest warmed perfectly by body heat, ideal for drifting off to sleep. An indescribable sensation. An emotion. So this is what love feels like. Lust, the desire to dominate, the urge to possess. Ugly feelings I shouldn't harbor for my sister. Familial love, sibling affection, paternal care. Normal feelings that would be fine to have for her. Oil and water mixed into something strange. Even if it was a lethal dose of poison, it was thrilling enough that I couldn't stop.
I stroke your skin freely, softer than any pillow or blanket. You giggle like it tickles, and it's so cute that I tease you a bit more mischievously, until you're bursting into full laughter. I keep up the gentle tickling until tears leak from your eyes, then, as you start to tire, I wrap my arms around you softly from behind. Our heartbeats thump. Thud-thud, thud-thud. Proof that we're alive transmits clearly from your chest to mine and into my hands. In the same way, proof that I'm alive pulses steadily through to your back. We hold our breath for a moment, feeling each other's presence. Thud-thud. A little faster than the ticking of a second hand. We stayed like that as the year drew to a close.
"...Oppa. Sleepy?"
"Nah. I slept a ton earlier."
"You got all quiet all of a sudden."
"Felt like a moment where I shouldn't talk, so I shut up."
"...What's gotten into you? Reading the mood now?"
"I'm a growing boy too. Not the same as yesterday's me."
I breathe in your scent more deeply. Even though it's been a while since your shower, the shampoo smell still wafts faintly. Your sweet skin fragrance. A hint of sweat. And if my nose isn't broken, even my own scent mixed in. All jumbled together in variety.
"...Hey, oppa. Actually, my birthday hasn't passed yet?"
"It's not midnight yet. What're you talking about?"
"Not that. I heard from Mom—I was born super late at night. After 11:50."
"I know that."
Of course I do. I'm family. Your brother. Biological brother. Even if my actions don't match up at all.
"How would you remember? You were a baby then."
"Don't remember, but Mom told me. Obviously."
"...Anyway. So it's still before midnight. My birthday hasn't started yet."
"...If we're splitting hairs, yeah."
"So... can I ask one favor until next year?"
"What."
The sister nestled against me lets out a little sniffle and wriggles around to face me. Then she looks straight at me and whispers.
"I wanna... kiiiiss. All the way. Until next year."
"...Kiss?"
"If we kiss from 50 minutes past... until midnight... ...then we're connected to oppa the whole time I age two years."
"... ."
"...Can't we?"
...Haa. Cute. Adorable. Not in a sexual way—just... somehow cute. Like a little sister vibe? It's funny to say that about an actual little sister, but I couldn't explain it any other way.
"You really love kissing. ...Does it feel that good?"
"You love se...x... with me a ton too. So why do you like it so much?"
"Just... feels good, and all that. Plus, this intense feeling of, yeah, she's mine."
"Me too... kinda like that."
"Say it properly. Don't make me say the embarrassing stuff alone."
"If I say it, you'll get horny again, so no."
"Can't even if I wanted to right now? I'm totally empty. Drained."
"Really? You're not just saying that and gonna try anyway?"
"Hurts too much. Say it."
"...Fine."
She rolls her eyes for a second, clears her throat with a hem-hem, then presses right up against me and whispers in my ear.
"When I kiiiiss... with oppa."
Even after we've done everything under the sun, she still gets shy like that.
"I think, ah, this person really likes me so much. ...Loves me. Wants to have me this bad, and with this person, I'll be pro...tected."
Grateful for the love I give her. Loves me back so much she's grateful to me for it.
"...Feels like I could give everything to this person, my head goes all fuzzy. Can't think of anything but oppa, so happy... that's why I love kissing oppa. Wanna keep... doing it forever."
It's something we shouldn't do. Morally condemnable. Against human decency. It'll make the people around us unhappy. What's the point? When we're this happy. The moment we start caring about others' eyes, we'll be the unhappy ones.
"...Oppa got horny again."
"Why? I'm fine."
"There... it's super hard now."
"Can't help it. Not with you stuck to me like this."
"...Just kiss me. We showered."
"Gonna hug you too?"
"That's just an extension of kissing."
"Sex is an extension of kissing too."
"Seriously, ease up... I can't even remember how many times we did it today."
"Not gonna. Hurts for me too? ...Next year."
"You're just saying that and gonna jump me right after midnight?"
"I said no. You sound like you want me to."
"...Not now. Later."
As soon as her words end, I glance at the clock on the wall. 11:37. Short might be okay, and she won't complain if it's long. I steal her lips right away. A sweet kiss, no tongue.
"...Not time yet?"
"Didn't say just ten minutes."
"Oppa, hold on. ...Lemme set the alarm."
My sister reaches for her phone and fiddles with it. Sets an alarm for midnight, then puts it back by the bed.
"When the alarm goes off, it's New Year, so... until then, like this."
"...Nice. Perfect for New Year's."
"Saying it again, no se...x.... That's for next year."
"On your birthday next year, we do it while ringing in the New Year?"
"...We'll see then. Just this for now. You keep the line too, oppa."
"...Was there ever a line between us?"
"There is! ...Anyway. Not everything."
Well... even if we've crossed lines, we haven't tried everything we could do together. Plenty we haven't, plenty I want to. Things we gotta do, trials to face, obstacles to overcome, ordeals, pain. We'll conquer it all.
"...Oppa. One thing before we kiss."
"What."
"Today was so happy... but I felt a little anxious."
"About what?"
"If these times would keep going... and if we do too much, maybe you'd get sick of me."
"...You think I'm that trash?"
"You are trash. ...Dog trash."
Always treating me like trash pisses me off. Can't even argue 'cause it's true. But at least I'm recyclable trash. Nothing wrong except falling for my own sister. For real.
"So, what do I gotta do?"
"They say relationships always need stimulation, right? So, slowly... as much as you want, that stuff."
"...Be more specific?"
"Like today, using polite speech... or sometimes trying on different clothes. Teach me about your mou...th and stuff step by step. ...So our honeymoon phases don't end, keep it not too dirty. Slowly... dye me in your colors."
"...My colors are fine?"
"Yeah. Your colors. ...However you want. So we never get sick of each other. Teach me over a lifetime, slowly... I'll learn just from what you teach, no studying on my own."
...So what if I'm trash. So what if I love my sister. When she's this lovable.
"...For someone who didn't study, you're too smart."
"'Cause I know you pretty well. ...You like that stuff. Pure, devoted love for one person forever. Hit that monopoly desire, and you're thrilled."
"Everyone likes that. How popular is tragic love."
"...Doesn't exist in real life. Normal dating—you date, have fun, break up. That's it."
"So we're different?"
"We're not dating."
Not dating. ...Yeah, not dating. Siblings can't date. Till death do us part, siblings. Forever.
"In dating, you adjust for each other, but can go back after breaking up... but we're siblings. Not dating. ...Can't go back now, oppa."
"...Not even thinking of going back."
"Yeah. So..."
The end of the year approaches. The end of this relationship recedes farther and farther. Faster than time flows, so no matter how hard we chase, we can't catch it. Time stops at death, but being siblings won't end.
"...Teach me well, dear brother."
"...I'll teach you slowly, so you can keep up."
Now I can tell just from your eyes. With those words as the last, our lips overlap. Neither first. It starts sweet. Gradually sticky, bittersweet. We don't devour each other anymore. Just confirm. That you're here, that I'm by your side. With the kisses you've taught me. With the kisses I've taught you. The minute hand moves, your birth time passes, the last of the year slips away. Eyes closed, we confirm each other's place. Tongues caress, hands stroke hair, pat and rub backs. As our hearts beat twice as fast as the second hand, the alarm rings.
We part briefly, eyelids fluttering open. Still here. As ever.
"...Happy New Year, oppa. Lots of luck."
"Happy New Year to you too. Gyeo-ul."
The year ended. The new year began. But you being by my side? That hadn't changed at all.