66. Worries
“Hey, sweetie, you feeling okay?”
“...Nah, I'm fine. Probably just from sleeping on my stomach.”
“Sigh. Sleep on your back properly. And do some stretching.”
“O...ppa and I have been working out together lately, so it's okay.”
The day after I'd committed all sorts of unspeakable sins against my soundly sleeping little sister. We both slept in late and ate the breakfast Mom had prepared. I couldn't even tell if the food was going in my mouth or up my nose. Even if my brain and reason had melted away like soft tofu, my conscience hadn't vanished entirely.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
“Ga-eul, can this kid even do a proper push-up?”
“...She can do a few on her knees.”
“She needs to learn the right form. Even I lifted barbells at the gym back in the day.”
I was starting to really feel like my brakes had failed. No matter how you sliced it, sleeping in the master bedroom was one thing. But waking up after a solid night's sleep and realizing I'd done something insane, like a sex-crazed maniac? Of course, I hadn't been caught. If I had, I wouldn't be sitting at the breakfast table—I'd be trembling out in the parking lot.
The conversations we'd exchanged were all hushed whispers, and any moans or heavy breaths that slipped out were mostly muffled by fingers, pillows, or even my own mouth. No problem there.
...Except for the fact that it was today that nagged at me.
“Later on... if we don't need masks anymore, maybe the three of us can hit the gym. Or I could buy some equipment for home.”
“Having that stuff at home would just make it messy. Better to use that money for gym memberships.”
“...Sure.”
The real issue was that in a few days, I'd probably do it again. Honestly, except for her period days, I wanted to do it every single day. No matter how much I filled her, the desire never got satisfied. And it wasn't just about sex. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, fall asleep with our bodies entwined. As many times as it took.
“The year's almost over... What are my son and daughter planning for next year?”
“Gotta go to college, right?”
Was it because these feelings couldn't be acknowledged—couldn't even be boasted about, only hidden desperately? I couldn't broadcast to the world that my little sister was mine. That might be why I obsessed even more, why I wanted to dirty her up. I felt uneasy if I didn't dye her in my colors over and over. The only contract my sister and I could make was a verbal one. So I wanted to renew it every chance I got. Deeper this time, thicker. Extend the term a modest two years, from eighty to eighty-two.
But with 'siblings' already stamped all over the contract like ink, there was no room left.
“No, no, college is a given. But what about getting certifications, mastering a sport, or even a part-time job for some real-world experience? Travel's out with the state of things.”
“...I'll study English, at least. And a job if there's an opening. Depends if spots are available these days. Seems like they're even cutting existing ones.”
I wasn't someone without a need to show off, originally. Back in high school, my grades propped up my pride. In college, my fit body became the pillar holding up my self-esteem. Knowing I was better than others let me live my way. Even holed up at home, I was confident I'd be treated well once I stepped into society.
But not anymore. I'd sunk to a level where I had no ground to stand on if people pointed fingers and condemned me. So I absolutely couldn't get caught. The moment we did, there'd be no place left to stand.
“Sounds good. What about you, Gyeo-ul?”
“I wanna try a part-time job too. And... living alone, if possible.”
“Why live alone? Classes are all online anyway—no need to go to school.”
“Just... you know.”
“'Just' what? You don't wanna live with Mom?”
“No, it's not that. I just wanna cook for myself sometimes...”
“If you wanna cook, just tell me. You think I can't teach you? I make great food.”
“...”
In the end, that's what mattered. We needed a hideout for the worst-case scenario, a place to run to, excuses lined up. We hadn't committed a crime, after all. Even if society crucified us, we had to ensure we could live together. At the very least, secure a spot where we could both stand.
“Anyway, I won't be going out much next year either, so tell me any dishes you wanna try. Give me the ingredients, and I can make anything.”
“...Can you do Western stuff too, Mom?”
“Want it for dinner? I can bake pizza.”
“If we make it together... sure.”
“What about you, son?”
“...”
As long as we didn't do anything too crazy, we wouldn't get caught in the act. At worst, suspicion. Even with evidence, if no one witnessed an irrefutable scene, we could play dumb. As long as it wasn't Mom catching us, we could turn the tables and paint the accusers as the weird ones.
Siblings who were suspiciously close? Sure. But people who truly suspected us couldn't outright say anything. Siblings could live together. Be overly affectionate, touchy-feely. Even adopt a dog and a cat and live happily ever after.
“...Son?”
“...Oh, yeah, yeah. Pizza?”
“What're you thinking so hard about during breakfast?”
“Just stressing about next year.”
...Truth was, no amount of excuses changed anything. Even if I fooled the whole world and never got caught, I couldn't utter a word against the question of whether I'd betrayed Mom. And it wasn't just her—there was Cousin Bro too. I'd lied through my teeth to Anna Noona. Our aunts who'd looked after us since we were kids, and even Grandmother who'd raised us... I had nothing to say to them.
“What's got you so stressed? Study hard. Make good use of your free time.”
“...With online classes, I probably won't go out at all. Ugh, thinking about another year like this is suffocating.”
“What, you think I'm locking you in? You're the one not going out.”
“I don't wanna catch a cold and make you worry. That's why I've been staying in. My kids care about their little sib like that, right?”
“Oh please, since when do you look after her?”
“I've been taking care of her non-stop since Suneung ended. Right, Kim Gyeo-ul?”
“...I dunno about that.”
“Not you too?”
I felt guilty enough to go insane, jumping out of my skin. But I couldn't give her up. Not my little sister, who was nudging my leg with her foot under the table. She was mine, no matter what.
“You look like you've got a lot on your mind, Oppa.”
“Thanks to someone.”
In the end, I couldn't find answers to my worries. Social success wouldn't fix it. Endless money flowing in wouldn't either. Emigrating overseas and faking identities? No way. Even then, I couldn't convince Mom—and I didn't want to.
She'd said she liked that we were siblings. That she loved me as her real brother.
“Why? Tired?”
“...A bit.”
“I'm not. You're such a lightweight.”
“Make me tired, then?”
“...Not today. Later.”
New Year's Eve eve. Or as I called it, Kim Gyeo-ul's birthday eve. I'd finished my workout and was spotting hers. She was getting better—now she could even toss jokes during cooldown stretches. At first, she was too wiped to speak.
Time to have her try other things too. Same genes, basically. Mom was strong, and Dad... well, who knows.
“Wipe your sweat first. Let's talk.”
“Oh, yeah. Thanks.”
I handed her a towel after her stretches. Seeing her sweat made me proud as a big brother.
...Though dirty feelings cropped up too, as her real brother. Not your fault or mine—we couldn't divvy up the blame. The whole reason for working out was impure from the start. Mine wasn't pure either.
“Gyeo-ul, if you can't live alone... what then?”
“Hotel... or something, I guess. Probably.”
“...Common sense says Mom would think it's weird if you and I stayed out overnight together, right?”
“Yeah... she would.”
Mom was reasonable. That's how she'd raised us alone. She took the car keys back right after Suneung—clear sign. No good reason for solo living with online classes? No excuse. Why do our overnight stays always coincide? No answer.
...If we'd been the type to roam outside normally, it wouldn't matter. But we weren't.
Anyone else asking? I'd snap back, What's it to you? But to Mom? Impossible, dead or alive.
“Uh... hey, Gyeo-ul. Wanna do a part-time job together next year?”
After agonizing, an idea hit. Earning money's never bad. Schedules align, and it'd make memories.
...We might fight at work, sure. But I could fix that. She's mine—I'd train her.
“...With you?”
“Even if solo living's tough, I can pitch it as me giving you 'social experience.' Mom'll buy it.”
“...Okay.”
“Find something we can do together. ...Then hanging out won't look weird.”
Overnight stays tricky? Pretend we're on shift. Or act like work ran late and take the long way home.
...That way, I wouldn't lose control like last time. Three times a week would be enough to hold back. At home, secret kisses only. That's the limit for excuses.
“...You looked smart for once in forever, Oppa.”
“Science track. Obviously smarter than you.”
“Says the guy who bombed Suneung worse than me.”
“...Come to my school for real. You'd see the difference. Majors aside.”
“No way. Rumors would fly. 'Creepy dischargee obsessed with his sister—total Gross Winter vibes.'”
“Hate it 'cause it's gross?”
“...Kinda hate it, but the good outweighs it. So I'll let it slide.”
“...Plenty about you bugs me too, but it's daytime, so I'll let it go.”
...Getting hard to hold back. Nah, I hadn't hit three times a week yet. Held out fine yesterday and the day before. Guess three days is my limit now.
“No tonight either...”
“Why? We haven't since then.”
“Mom's hooked on this drama. She'll probably sleep in the living room tonight.”
“...You think I'm crazy enough to jump you anyway?”
“Weren't you? ...Sneaking on your sleeping sister, filling her up... What if I hadn't taken my pills?”
“Why? I'm normal. What's wrong with wanting a kid with the person I love?”
“D-don't say that so boldly... I might not take them next time...”
“Then I'll take responsibility.”
“...”
I laid it on thick with a straight face, and she buried her face in the towel before bolting to the bathroom.
...Hah. Serious trouble. The future looked pitch-black, no light in sight. But bantering with her like this blurred my sense of reality, made it feel like nothing could go wrong.
Probably not the lust or fetishes—my brain was pickled in plain happiness. Even if we fell into an abyss, this bond wouldn't break. And that made me happy.
...I just wanted this happiness to last forever. Whether it could? Even I wondered.