51. The Silent Walk Home with My Sister Felt Endlessly Long
The walk home beside my sister, who trudged along in silence, didn't feel short at all. I took off my mask and muffler, sorted through the clothes I'd bought and the ones I'd worn out, and scrubbed every inch of my body with hot water—but it was still the middle of the afternoon. After slipping into loungewear, I took a sip of the coffee I'd left on the dining table earlier. Strangely enough, it was still warm. As I sipped it through the straw with the TV on in the background, my sister emerged from the master bedroom. Seeing her in her usual clothes, fluffing her hair carelessly as she headed straight to her room, made our time outside feel like a dream. It wasn't just today, either—I had that thought every single day.
"Kim Gyeo-ul, have some coffee. It's still warm."
"Oh, yeah... I'll dry my hair first."
She didn't even glance my way as she opened her door and went in. The hum of the hairdryer soon echoed through the wall. Her hair was so long that the noise droned on for quite a while before finally cutting off. I shifted in my seat and waited, but she never came out for the coffee.
...It's gonna get cold.
Still holding the cup that retained some warmth, I knocked on her door.
"...I'm coming in."
"...Yeah."
With her permission, I stepped into her room. She was face-down on the bed, nose buried in the pillow. She'd seemed in a good mood right up until we entered the cafe. Had something really bothered her that much? Or was it just that time of the month making her emotions swing wildly?
...Who knows.
The reason didn't matter anyway. Whether I was her boyfriend or her real brother, one thing never changed: when she was like this, I had to comfort her.
"Drink your coffee. It's getting cold."
"...Later."
"What's got you in such a bad mood?"
"...Nothing."
"Because of that guy earlier?"
"No... He didn't do anything wrong."
"...Yeah, true."
I set the coffee on her desk and perched on the edge of the bed. We were home, after all. Within the allowed boundaries, I wanted to play the big brother role. The content might be twisted and warped, but as long as no one was eavesdropping, we could just have a normal conversation.
"...Sorry. It was our first date since we started going out, and it got ruined because of me."
"No, it was fine. Kinda fun, even. We saw the first snow."
"Still... I wanted to spend more time together, but I just suddenly felt off."
"...Does it bother you that much that I'm your brother?"
I tossed it out half-jokingly, and she immediately shook her head vigorously.
"You're... my brother. Like it or not."
"... "
"...I don't hate it. Not now."
Her voice, muffled against the pillow over her mouth, came out in a low hum. Maybe that's why I couldn't quite read her true feelings. No expression to see, no clear tone or enunciation—everything was muddled.
"Have you ever... hated me because I'm your little sister...?"
"... "
"...You have."
"A few times... lately."
"...I see."
"Can't be helped... It's not supposed to happen. We knew that. I was prepared, in my own way."
"Really?"
"You think I wasn't?"
"...Oppa."
Finally, Gyeo-ul lifted her face and sat up on the bed. She wasn't crying, and she still looked cute as ever, but her expression wasn't great. It was that same look she got on days when studying just wouldn't click.
"Oppa... back when I finished the Suneung."
"...Yeah."
"If you hadn't done that... what would you have done?"
"Done what?"
"Even if I hadn't come to you in just my underwear... and said those things... would you still have done that with me...?"
"...Probably not, up to now."
Whether I told the truth or mixed in some lies, it was a question with no good answer. So I decided to just be honest. I'd already lied to too many people, and at least between us, I didn't want to.
"If I hadn't liked you... if it had been that way, everything might've been easier... "
"No, it wouldn't."
"But... it is that way. I made you like this."
"You think I regret turning out like this?"
"...You don't?"
"No. Never. Not until the day I die."
"Really?"
"Well, if you suddenly changed and said you hated me, sure... but until then, absolutely not."
"... "
"I didn't just pounce on you back then without thinking."
Of course, my emotions had overflowed past their limits, and my heart and lust had nearly exploded—that much was true. I'd lost my mind after crossing the line, driven crazy by her taunts and deceptions. But at the moment I crossed it, I hadn't lost my reason.
"I had plenty of time to think it over... and I tried to hide it. But I knew I couldn't, so I chose it anyway. Don't carry all the guilt yourself."
Until Mom came back, until Monday at the latest. I knew how meaningless that short leash was. Once a line snaps, it can't be mended. Hell, maybe it had snapped even before then. Back when you wore that blindfold in my room, pretending to sleep while waiting for me. It was probably decided right there.
I'd sorted out my feelings. I wanted to stay siblings. I'd lied to myself over and over, trying to hold on, but even if not that day, it would've happened eventually. We were always craving each other's bodies and hearts, desperate to possess one another—it wasn't just because of that one incident.
"...Yeah."
"We'll have to act like siblings plenty, whether out in the world or at home... but that's not so bad, right? We're close. Even as brother and sister."
"...We're not close."
"Can't you play along just this once?"
"No. You're my brother."
"...Fine, then let me ask one thing as your brother."
"Do I have to take nagging from you too?"
"You don't even get much from Mom anyway."
"...I'll listen."
She grumbled it out, and damn, it was cute. Rationally, as her sibling, all of it.
"Does it really bother you that much to introduce me as your brother?"
"Yeah... a ton. 'This is my boyfriend, isn't he hot? So tall, broad shoulders... reliable. Sweet only to me...' I wanted to brag."
"...Not that much."
"Okay, not quite, but... I still wanted to. Because you're mine."
"Who are you to decide if someone's yours or not?"
"You are. One way or another. Or should I say you're mine instead?"
"...Now that I like."
"Ew, gross. Showing possessiveness to your little sister? Super creepy."
"And you're not?"
"I'm the little sister. Younger than you. Still immature... so it's fine."
"We're only three years apart. You're an adult now too."
"Yeah. Would've been nice if it was ten years."
"Why."
"Then you wouldn't look at me that way? I might've been the same... but if you didn't see me like that, I could do whatever. Act spoiled. Ask for hugs... that kinda thing."
"...Maybe."
Even if I'd been seven years older, would our relationship have changed? We might've been closer as kids since I'd have played the adult role for Dad, and maybe it wouldn't have evolved like this. Ah, or maybe they never would've divorced at all.
The more I thought about it, the less sense it made, but it didn't matter. In the end, reality had turned out closer to fantasy than imagination.
"You would've just seen me as your little sister if my boobs weren't big anyway."
"You think I fell for you just because of your tits?"
"...Wasn't it?"
"...Not entirely. Just one reason."
"See? Knew it. Pervert."
"Is it weird for a guy to like big tits? Liking small ones is weirder."
"...Then they should've been smaller."
"Why."
"So I could really call you a total perv."
"No, even then... "
"Why? You said it wasn't just the boobs."
"...If they'd been small but everything else the same, it wouldn't have changed anything."
"Pervert. Total perv."
Watching her giggle and tease me eased my mind a bit. She seemed in a better mood if she could poke fun at me like this.
...Still pissed me off, though.
But she was my sister, so here, I'd just laugh it off.
"...Oppa. Look ahead."
"Why all of a sudden."
"Just don't look at me. Look at the desk over there."
Suddenly, Gyeo-ul grabbed my head and forced it forward, so I had no choice but to stare straight ahead. As I glanced at the coffee on the desk, I felt her breasts press against my back. Her legs wrapped around my waist, arms around my neck. Completely stuck to me.
"What is it? We're home."
"Give me a piggyback."
"...Huh?"
"...'Cause I'm your little sister. That's all I'm asking."
"...Where to."
"Anywhere."
"Out to the living room?"
"Yeah... It's fine."
I gripped her thighs and stood up easily.
...Light.
Maybe 'cause she was my sister. Grew way too tall for no reason, though.
I opened the door, hesitated for a second, then plopped down on the sofa. As I wedged between her back and the cushions, she let out a little "Eung!" and squeezed my neck tighter. But she didn't let go.
"Oppa, can't breathe... "
"Then let go. I'll get up."
"...Don't wanna."
"Then we'll just stay like this."
"... "
She clung without a word, so I didn't get up either. Grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. Sitting with just my butt on the sofa edge, sister still on my back. Anyone seeing us would've thought it was bizarre.
But our sibling time like this—shared just between us—was a little sweeter than coffee, and not as bitter as I'd feared.