Mom's Retirement and Hazelnut-Bitter Whispers
We had lunch with Mom when she got back from grocery shopping. Since we'd decided to have a proper dinner later, we just whipped up some bibimbap to tide us over. It wasn't something we ate often, and it didn't require much effort, but it really felt like home cooking. Though I did choke a bit while eating.
Being alone in my room felt too lonely, so I came out to the living room and chatted with Mom. How've you been getting along with your sister? What are you planning to do until you reenroll in school? Time to hand over the car keys soon. Got a girlfriend yet? And so on. We were trading all sorts of trivial gossip when I heard some shocking news out of nowhere.
"So, Mom's thinking of taking next year off."
"...Pardon?"
"Mom's past fifty now, and keeping up as an academy instructor is getting tough. If I were the director, maybe, but."
"...Out of the blue like that?"
I was so caught off guard that I jumped. Already? But when I thought about it, it felt like she'd been at it forever. Mom must have her own reasons.
"It's not out of the blue. I planned to quit at the end of this year anyway."
"What are you going to do after retiring?"
"Why so worried, my son? Even if Mom lies around the house from now on without lifting a finger, I can still give you guys a house or wedding gifts when you marry. No need to fret."
"No, we're not getting married, so that's not an issue. But you won't just stay home after retiring, right? You love working so much."
"What do you take Mom for? I hate working too."
"...Really?"
"Who actually likes working? Sure, it's rewarding when the kids I teach get into good colleges, but I like resting more."
"...Yeah?"
"Of course. If I didn't enjoy seeing that paycheck hit my account every month, I couldn't have kept at it."
Mom was the type who got up early every day to make our meals—I'd never once seen her sleep in. But she was human too. She cries when sad, laughs when happy, gets tired and worn out. Maybe because she always seemed like Superman, I hadn't really noticed until now.
"I originally wanted to open a café after retiring and play at being the boss lady. ...But these days, starting a small business is just a bad idea."
"True that."
"So I'll travel around and rest for about a year, then figure things out."
"You're going traveling?"
"I'll mostly stay home, but if I hole up like you two, I'll die of boredom. Gotta get out sometimes."
Mom had lots of friends and got along great with her sisters. She was so cheerful sometimes, I wondered if she was really my mom. ...Though looking at her face, anyone could tell she was. We took after her way too much—me and Gyeo-ul both.
"When I go traveling, can my son do the driving for me?"
"Me?"
"You think Mom's going alone? I'll take you and Gyeo-ul, or go with my sisters. It's no fun solo."
"Well... when I have time."
"Gotta take Gyeo-ul somewhere before she starts college. Can't go abroad these days, so maybe Jeju Island?"
"Once things calm down outside."
"People are already out and about anyway. Just wear a mask, and it's fine. We'd probably just chill in the hotel except for meals anyway."
"I wanna take some proper photos while out. Even if I love staying cooped up, not on vacation."
"Sure, sure. Next year, January or February? Let's go then. I'll coax Gyeo-ul over dinner later."
"...Okay."
"Anyway, I'll be home except when traveling, so expect lots of home cooking. You wanted meat for dinner with kimchi jjigae, right?"
"Yes."
"Then go buy some groceries."
"...Pardon?"
"Mom picked her nose yesterday, and now my nose hurts so bad I can't move. Here's the car keys back for a bit—go get some meat~ I'll give you the card too~"
"..."
"If two hands aren't enough, bring your sister. Got it?"
"...Yes."
Mom laughed merrily as she handed me her wallet and the car keys. Her smiling face—it had only been two weeks since I'd last seen it, but I'd missed it so much, I didn't want to ruin it.
"...Oppa. Why'd you drag me out too?"
"Mom said to bring you."
"Really?"
"For real."
"...You're not just using that as an excuse to hang out with me?"
"Hands weren't enough, so I brought you."
"I was tired from cleaning."
"Then you shouldn't have come."
"How could I not?"
"You can ignore big bro sometimes."
"It's oppa, not big bro."
"What's the difference?"
"...Anyway, it's different."
I threw on some track pants and a puffer jacket, and we drove to the big mart. Chatting away with Gyeo-ul while shopping, before I knew it, the cart was piled high—not just for dinner, but enough for a week. With Suneung over, we deserved this much. Pork, beef, wraps, and all sorts of other stuff. We weren't experts on seafood, so we just grabbed some pretty-looking salmon and called it a day.
"Anything we missed?"
"Uh... doesn't seem like it."
"...Let's check out then."
"Okay."
After paying, as we walked out with two bags in each hand, Gyeo-ul took my left hand, hooked her right onto one handle, and split the load.
"...Why take half in such a weird way?"
"Seemed heavy."
"If it's heavy, just take one whole bag instead of half."
"Not that it's heavy for you. It's heavy for me."
"This way the weight's all off-balance."
"That's 'cause you're tall."
"You're not exactly short."
"Still... small compared to you."
"Can't help that—different genders."
"...You used to really scare me back then. Felt like you were twice my size."
"Hey, it wasn't that bad."
"That's how it felt."
Well... I'd already hit my growth spurt before high school. Gyeo-ul kept growing even after I enlisted. Now, if she headbutted me, my jaw would shatter—so around 170cm? Maybe a bit less. Perfect for hugging, though.
"...Oppa."
"What."
"...My hand feels tickly."
"Could happen."
"Even outside... "
"That's why I'm doing it."
"..."
"...Look after me a bit. I couldn't sleep well last night 'cause it was so lonely."
"...You're not a kid."
"I am. You too."
"I'm not."
"Says who."
"I have my ID, took Suneung, and... done that stuff."
"...What stuff?"
"...You gonna keep teasing?"
"Yeah."
Unlike me, Gyeo-ul had a free hand and smacked my arm hard, but it didn't hurt. As always.
Rubbing the backs of our hands together, we matched our strides back to the parking lot and loaded the trunk. I stopped Gyeo-ul from getting in the passenger seat, grabbed her shoulder, and pulled her toward me. She nearly stumbled, steadied herself against my chest, then turned and glared. Her defiant eyes were oddly appealing, so I wrapped my arm under her chest and hugged her tight from behind.
"...Gyeo-ul."
"...Why all of a sudden, oppa?"
"You're good at lying."
"...About what?"
"I could barely meet Mom's eyes."
"You and I are different."
"How so?"
"...How long have you liked me, oppa?"
"..."
When had I realized my feelings? When I'd started seeing her not just as my sister, but as Gyeo-ul? Should I count the time I pretended not to know? From when we crossed the line? Either way, it wasn't clear, but at least it was after discharge. Not even four months—a laughably short time for a person to change.
"I've... liked you way longer than you."
"...How long for you?"
"Secret."
"When will you tell me?"
"When the time comes."
"...You've liked me longer, so you're more prepared. Something like that?"
"Yeah. ...I wrestled with it more."
"...If I agonize like you did, can I fake shamelessness too?"
"Do I seem shameless to you?"
"Yeah."
"...Then change, oppa. Be like me."
Four months was too short—I hadn't changed at all. Gyeo-ul had just fit perfectly into my ideal type. Ignoring the sibling taboo. She matched too well. Like she was made for me. Face, hair, scent, breasts, personality... even the most intimate parts.
"...What do we do?"
"...Tough?"
"Not tough, just... I don't know. If I can keep hiding it without getting caught."
"You'll do fine. ...'Cause it's you."
"Your friend already knows, and Anna noona almost figured it out."
"You made good excuses... probably fine."
"...Truth is, I don't think they actually bought it."
"...Then?"
"They just pretend to for convenience."
"..."
"Hearing about Yo-han hyung and Anna noona woke me up. If they're like us, anything I say just sounds like excuses."
"..."
That day when noona first saw us—did she really think I was sleeping with my girlfriend and ask if she was? Or couldn't process it? Now I thought I knew.
"Hey, Gyeo-ul."
"...Yeah."
"I said we'd act like siblings at home."
"Yeah."
"...No matter what, we can't let Mom find out."
"..."
"Even if others suspect, point fingers, curse us... we pretend for Mom."
"...Yeah."
"...I learned in the army—if you're not caught, it didn't happen."
"Heard that enough to be sick of it."
"Once we're both graduated, we move somewhere far, abroad maybe... and live pretending we're not siblings."
"...I'll think about it."
"What? Why not say yes right away?"
"This outfit for a proposal? Kinda..."
"...Should've gotten a ring at least?"
"No need for rings. ...We can't marry."
"...I'll get you a necklace later."
"...Okay."
Hiding behind the borrowed car, hugging without facing each other, whispering in each other's ears. Sweet enough, but stronger on the bitter side than the hazelnut latte you used to love.