Pillow Talk
After that, we really just showered properly. We played around with body wash bubbles or I teased Gyeo-ul by poking her puffed cheeks while she had her toothbrush in her mouth and couldn't talk, but we didn't do anything naughty. I just wasn't in the mood for it.
We washed our bodies clean, dried off, and slipped into the bathrobes the hotel provided. We even dried our hair and applied the disposable skincare and lotion. Once we'd calmed down and looked around, there was actually quite a bit more stuff than I'd thought. Earlier, in our rush, I hadn't noticed a thing.
I opened the fridge and saw canned coffee, but it didn't seem right to drink that after washing up, so we just shared a bottle of mineral water instead. We quenched the thirst that came after our bath, turned on the TV right in front of the bed, and switched off the lights.
Lying side by side in nothing but those robes, facing each other, it felt... so good. For the first time, it really felt like we were lovers.
"Oppa."
"Time to sleep?"
"...Can we sleep holding each other?"
"You think I was planning to sleep any other way?"
She asked the obvious like it wasn't, so I pulled her into my arms first. The scent of her freshly dried, fluffy hair. It must've been a different shampoo from usual, but it still smelled just as good. Her body was nice and warm from the shower, too.
The room wasn't silent thanks to the TV, but the sound of her breathing and heartbeat right by my ear felt even louder. It was starting to feel like I couldn't fall asleep peacefully without these sounds anymore.
"Oppa... thank you."
"For what."
"Everything you did today. For the date, the confession... and that."
"...Even for doing whatever I wanted with you earlier?"
"That's because you like me that much. ...It's okay."
"...I won't do that so much from now on. It's better when we match each other, like the first time."
"...Me too."
Her whisper from my arms was muffled, her words slurring a bit, but I understood every single one perfectly. The situation made the context way too easy to grasp.
"...Hotels are nice. Feels worth the money."
"Yeah."
"It's not super big or anything... but it doesn't need to be. As long as there's a bed and a shower."
"...Wanna come back here sometime?"
"If we get the chance. There are plenty of other places even if it's not here."
"Ah... oppa. Wait a sec."
Like something had just occurred to her, Gyeo-ul turned on the bedside lamp and slipped out of bed. She rummaged through the pocket of the parka hanging on the rack, pulled out my phone, handed it to me, and crawled back under the covers.
"What."
"Photo."
"...Photo?"
"We don't have any of us together. ...I wanna take one. Right now."
"...Isn't that kinda risky?"
"You don't have any friends to show it to anyway."
"Even if I did, I wouldn't."
"So take it. To commemorate our first day as a couple."
"It's past midnight."
"...Oppa, you gonna keep playing word games?"
"Fine. Let's take it."
...I'd just have to hide it well. Honestly, I wanted a photo with Gyeo-ul too. It had some symbolism, and while getting caught would be a disaster, phones are private—no one touches mine.
"What pose?"
"Uh... just normal?"
"Think about it a bit."
"Hmm..."
I glanced at her furrowed brow as she pondered, then raised my phone, framed our faces on the screen, and snapped a quick shot. It turned out pretty good.
"Oppa? ...Why'd you take it without warning."
"Look. The photo came out great."
"..."
"Forcing expressions to 'do it right' just makes it awkward. Natural's better."
"...Send it to me later. The photo."
"Don't get caught. It's seriously risky."
"I'm not an idiot. I'll hide it well."
I turned off the camera, sent the photo to Gyeo-ul's phone—the one back at the apartment—then switched off the light and pulled her back into my arms.
...I'm in deep. Holding her like this calmed my heart, made me feel like I could sleep soundly. No more restless dreams or that lingering fatigue when I woke up—it all felt like it would vanish.
"Oppa... sleepy?"
"...Yeah."
"...Can I ask one thing before we sleep?"
"...What."
"Why... did you start liking me?"
"Didn't I ask you that first last time? And you still haven't answered."
"I'll... tell you later."
"Later when."
"Uh... before the year's out?"
"...Just say it now."
"No. Embarrassing."
"You've seen me naked, we've done that, and now you're shy?"
"Anyway. If it's embarrassing, it's embarrassing. Even that was super embarrassing."
"...Wanna hear it?"
"...Yeah."
"...It's tricky knowing where to start."
Honestly, even I wasn't sure exactly when it started. I never disliked her. As a sister. Then I started liking her. As a person, as family. It was just simple fondness at first—how did it turn into this?
"For one, I've never hated you."
"...Really?"
"Nah, you listened well. Never bugged me, so why would I? We never even fought."
"Back then I was just scared..."
"We weren't close or anything. No real thoughts about it. But when I grew up and thought back, I felt grateful."
"Yeah."
"So after college started, I tried looking out for you sometimes... and your reactions were always so cute."
"...Mine?"
"You wouldn't know, but that's how it looked to me."
It was the year after my Suneung or maybe two years—after my exam ended, I bought Gyeo-ul a new phone for her birthday. Mom chewed me out for it, but I was grateful too. She was starting high school with that ancient phone, so I scraped together a month's part-time wages and bought it new, unopened. When I handed it over, her hands shook as she took it, asking if she could really have it over and over, then hiding her face and awkwardly thanking me—it was honestly adorable. So I kept finding excuses to spoil her after that. Because her flustered face was the best.
"Back then it was just... cute as a little sister. ...But it kept going, and you became more and more precious."
"..."
"After discharge, you started relying on me so much... saying all sorts of weird stuff."
"...You said way weirder things, oppa."
"I was just saying what I wanted as your brother. You were the one going on about love and all that."
"That was me telling you to reflect on your own words."
"It gave me chills."
"...Why?"
"A drunk kid suddenly gets serious like that—what am I supposed to do? Then your voice starts shaking right after."
"..."
"If I'd been normal, I should've shut it down there..."
"..."
"...Things just happened."
Things just happened—that phrase fit best. I never planned this, never wanted it, but somehow it was inevitable. This much is okay, right? A little possessiveness toward my sister is fine. As long as we don't cross the line. We can live together forever as siblings. That's how I'd kept pushing boundaries back, one by one. The result of not hitting the brakes was right here in front of me. And when we arrived, I didn't regret it. Those first emotions were all precious. The hurdles ahead mattered less than the person right now. Shortsighted, stupid, childish thinking—I knew that. But no regrets.
"Anyway, explaining it all is lame, so I'll summarize."
"...Okay."
"I liked that you liked me."
"..."
"I know it makes me sound like trash, but I'm super possessive."
"...Yeah, you are, oppa."
"Someone who likes me, only has eyes for me, would do anything for me... I didn't want to give that to anyone else."
"..."
Didn't want to give her up, didn't want her to leave, wanted to have her. I tried holding back, tried not devouring her, but I bit in anyway. The marshmallow I couldn't resist was too damn sweet.
"...Don't throw me away, Gyeo-ul. I might really throw a fit."
"I won't. ...How could I ever hate you, oppa."
"It's not about not hating me—don't go making someone you like more than me."
"That won't happen."
"I'm worried. You've never seen any other guys, so maybe you're just caught up in some fantasy."
"...It's not that."
"If you cheat in college, I'll lock you in the house for real."
"You better not. ...Or I'll lock you up."
"My social skills are about as bad as yours—I was a loner for half a year even in fun Songdo. Fat chance."
"...Mine aren't that bad."
"Who besides your two friends?"
"...I couldn't go out much. Exam prep and all."
"Anyway, just stay like this. Don't make too many new friends. Especially no guys."
"Why. I'll make tons of friends in college too. Girl friends."
"...The more people you know, the higher the risk of getting caught."
"...Ah."
"I can't let you go anymore. We'll just have to hide it well... and stay together."
"...Yeah."
Twisted, dirty, repulsive feelings maybe, but if we both felt the same, couldn't it be beautiful? As long as we were together, locked away in this room, no one to point fingers. Even the TV noise was just stories about others.
"...Time to sleep. I'm beat."
"...Yeah."
"I'll turn off the TV."
"Okay. Goodnight, oppa."
"...Thanks always, Gyeo-ul."
"Me too. Always thankful, oppa."
We erased even the last trace of the outside world, bodies overlapping, sharing warmth, breaths, and rustles, and fell asleep like that. So deeply, so quietly, just the two of us—not even dreams.