October Mock Exam
Once the brief calm settled in, a deep wave of guilt crashed over me. ...I screwed up. I knew it might happen, but damn, I really went and did it.
Mom came home, and we ate dinner together. I couldn't even lift my head. It felt nothing like the vague fantasies in my head. I'd betrayed her. Utterly, unforgivably.
"...Son. Stomach hurting? You don't look so hot."
"Huh? No, no. Just a bit stiff..."
"Ease up on the workouts. Overdo it, and you'll wreck yourself."
"...Yeah."
I couldn't listen to Mom's usual nagging with a clear head.
The last Monday of October arrived. Sleep... well, I got some decent rest. Body and mind exhausted, it came easy enough. Ate breakfast as usual, saw Mom off to work, then got in the car with Gyeo-ul. The weather had turned chilly. Down to under 10 degrees at dawn.
"... "
"... "
...This awkward air. What the hell do I even say? No clue.
"...Gyeo-ul."
"Oh, yeah? Yeah... "
"Uh... yesterday... um... It wasn't like I suddenly lost my mind or anything... "
"...Yeah."
"So, anyway, you know."
"...Yeah."
We were just trading empty words, and it was suffocating. ...She used to rattle off all sorts of clever lines before, but today, it felt weirdly hard.
"Um, Oppa... you know."
"Yeah, yeah."
"...When I do that... does it feel that good?"
"...Do I have to spell it out?"
"Just... it was so different from usual... "
"... "
"I had my eyes covered, so I couldn't see... didn't really know... "
"Gyeo-ul."
"Y-yeah."
"...Let's not talk about it."
It felt like I was fiddling with the triangular thorn of conscience stabbed in my chest like a fidget spinner. ...Even in this mess, I hated myself for sneaking glances at her thighs. But... what can you do? Instinct. If reason could stop it, yesterday never would've happened.
...She caught me staring too obviously.
"...Oppa?"
"Oh, Gyeo-ul. Quick question... aren't you cold?"
"Oh, this. Stockings are surprisingly warm. If it gets colder, I can layer with gym clothes. Days are still mild anyway."
"... "
I thought I'd covered well, but then Gyeo-ul pinched her black stockings with two fingers, stretching and releasing them over and over. ...I'm not some horny middle schooler. My head hurts, seriously.
Still, I didn't screw up again these past few days. ...Couldn't even jerk off. How to put it? Just couldn't. Heart squeezing like a vise. Every time I tried, family faces popped up. Realized there's a huge gap between harboring feelings and actually acting on them. Mom's voice, cousin bro's words echoing endlessly. As the older one, I should've handled it better? But really. I agonized over it. This was just the conclusion.
...Whether I could handle the fallout was secondary. Gyeo-ul hadn't come to my room either, probably with mocks looming. She still blushed if our bodies touched... but whatever. Me too. No idea what we're even doing as siblings. Alone together, though, it wasn't so uncomfortable. Third parties around? Couldn't even make eye contact. ...We're already doomed.
Morning of the October mock exam, Gyeo-ul was deep-breathing in the passenger seat. ...Hope she's okay. Another freakout like last time would be bad.
"...You good?"
"...Yeah. Just a little tense."
"Don't look so great."
"Good face on exam day would be weirder."
"...Fair."
Voice steady, but her hands trembled faintly. ...Ah. Screw embarrassment—do what needs doing. Just us two.
"...Oppa?"
"...Hands cold."
"...Your hands are warmer."
"Jeez. Can't you just sit quiet?"
"...Yeah."
Watching her chuckle and obediently let me hold her hand made my ears burn. ...Ugh, come on. Play dumb and let it slide.
One hand on the wheel, my heart raced. Might as well use the warmup—headed home and exercised like mad to kill stray thoughts. Wrecking my body cleared my head surprisingly. Hurt the brain? Torment the body—pain elsewhere fades. Soaked in sweat like rain, then soaked in the tub. Lukewarm water's coziness emptied my mind. Dried off, sprawled on the sofa to cool, and exam end time snuck up. Ignored screaming muscles, greeted Mom just back, then drove to pick up Gyeo-ul.
Spacing out in the car waiting, phone rang.
"Yeah, Gyeo-ul."
"Oh, Oppa."
"Yeah. What's up."
"Uh, got something to do today. Might be 30 minutes late."
"Okay?"
"You here already?"
"Yeah."
"...Sorry, should've called sooner."
"Nah, nothing else going on."
"I'll wrap quick, sorry."
"...Got it. Take care."
"Yeah."
"You okay?"
"Fine. Solid today. Hanging up."
Her text about being a bit late eased my nerves. ...Not like I could go anywhere. Fiddling with my phone, another text came.
...Meat. Worked out, need protein. Mouth watered suddenly. Hunger hit too. No way I'd curb it without meat, so shut my eyes and dozed off.
"...Ugh."
"...Mm."
"...Hoo."
"...Gyeo-ul?"
"...Yeees."
Tingly in my ear, I twisted and woke. Checked the clock—exactly 30 minutes passed. Outside already dim. Fall for sure. Winter creeping in.
"What're you doing."
"Robbing you."
"...Huh?"
"Oppa."
"Yeah."
"Sleeping's fine, but leaving the door unlocked? Come on."
"...Did I?"
"Could be dangerous."
"...Yeah."
Her nagging stare didn't annoy me. ...Everything good, but hands off the ears? It's harmful.
"Sorry for being late."
"What took you."
"Checked answers with friends."
"...Okay."
She stretched, groaning. ... .
"...Body okay?"
"Fine. ...Heart racing a bit."
"...No nausea or anything?"
"I'm good. Not a kid."
"You're a kid to me."
"...For real?"
"Nah. Kidding."
Her slight smile eased me. ...Joking back means she's fine. Last time she was shook—gripped my hand all the way home.
"...Tired?"
"...Yeah, a little. Tense and focused all day."
"Recline and sleep?"
"...Can I?"
"Can't do that for a test-taker?"
"...Okay then. Sorry."
"Want 'thanks' over 'sorry'."
"Thaaanks... Thanks?"
"Yeah, thanks."
She bowed like receiving worship, but I laughed. ...Sigh. Kid-like sometimes. Messes with my head.
Reclined halfway, eyes shut quick. No seatbelt, so I buckled her. ...Hoo. Legs trembled. Glanced over driving home. Always think it—sleeping face's adorable. ...Didn't touch.
Pulled into the lot. Still out cold. Shook her shoulder lightly; eyes cracked open.
"Gyeo-ul."
"...Yeah."
"We're here."
"...Yeah."
"Head up and wait. Gotta grab butane at the convenience store."
"...Why?"
"Mom wants meat tonight."
"...Lemme sleep more. Go up together."
"...Fine."
Left her eyes-closed, got out. Bought butane, grabbed some of Mom's favorite beers too. Browsed—saw something. ...Uh. Buy this? ...Nah? If I can't hold back... no condom? No no, nothing till Suneung. But not saying after either. ...Deep dilemma. Simulated dozens of times, tossed two boxes in—most innocent-looking. Can't burn more tees. Spill on bed or sheets? Disaster. Plastic bags rattling back to the lot.
Gyeo-ul asleep, interior lights off. Sun down, dim. Opened driver door. About to wake her—
"... "
Black mask over eyes, sleeping peacefully. Something snapped in my head.