124. Before Meeting Dad – I Needed to Apologize First
Before receiving an apology from that man, I needed to apologize first. There was someone else I owed the biggest apology to, but that didn't mean I could skip apologizing to the others.
You repay the sin of killing the drinking vibe with gopchang by buying meat, right?
"Hyung, you aren't drinking?"
"...You want me to drink again?"
"Ah... no. I'll just drink by myself."
Buying a meal for a college junior— was this a first in my life? Well, he's only a second-year now, so maybe it's natural. You meet seniors and juniors once you're actually going to school.
"Yeah. You drink soda, Kim Ga-eul. I'll have soju, so order one for me."
"Sure, sure."
Ah, buying for a club mate was probably a first too. I'd owed her a lot, so I had to repay her someday. I didn't think she'd complain if I didn't buy her food, but my conscience wouldn't let me off that easy.
...Truth be told, eating alone with the junior felt awkward, so since I was treating anyway, I invited her along too. Of course, that made my wallet even unhappier.
Eh, whatever. That suspiciously rich guy who came back from overseas would figure something out. But seeing our house—no elevator and far from glamorous—maybe he wasn't as loaded as I thought?
...I'd know more after meeting him tomorrow.
"Um... Ga-eul hyung."
"What."
"...You're really okay, right?"
"If I weren't, I wouldn't be out here eating with you guys."
I didn't say it out loud in some lame way, but I couldn't deny that things were okay thanks to them. If they'd reacted with disgust toward me and Gyeo-ul, or ignored us after that gathering... Even if I pretended to be fine on the outside, I'd have crumbled inside. No matter how much you love someone, you can't maintain your sanity without other human connections.
I'd probably dump all that stress on Gyeo-ul. She'd suffer from the stress I caused her. In the end, we'd just drag each other down. The thought alone was horrifying. One person to vent stress to is enough.
"Um... hyung. I..."
"Yeah."
"I don't really get it... so I won't ask anything."
"...Thanks. Appreciate it."
So... having people like this around is pure luck for me. Same for Gyeo-ul. Eating with college seniors when suddenly a friend shows up, drops the bombshell incest coming-out, and they worry, apologize, even cry. Having friends like that is nothing short of fortunate.
...She's probably hanging out with her friends right now too. Wonder what Gyeo-ul's telling them.
"...But Min-ji seemed a bit uncomfortable."
"Your girlfriend?"
"Yeah. Not like she found it gross or anything... She said she didn't really know."
"That's pretty normal. I'd probably feel the same."
That didn't mean I was mad at anyone else. Take the coworker I did part-time with—a girl fresh out of high school we got along like sisters. But then she bumps into me coming out of a motel with my actual big bro. She brushes it off at first, no way... but can't shake the suspicion. Then fate brings us back together, and she learns it's true.
How many people could just go, Oh, siblings can do that. What's the problem? Even these guys don't fully think it's fine. They're just being considerate since it's not their business, or relating because their situations are similar. That's it.
"Well, she's a good person, so she won't go blabbing."
"Min-seop. If you wanna praise her, tell her yourself. She'd love hearing that."
"Ah, Haneul noona. What..."
After that, no more talk about me or Gyeo-ul. Nothing about my family or Dad either. Just listening to a drunk junior whine about not wanting to enlist next year.
But... it was worth the meat I bought. Even if they're a bit offbeat, you can still hang out with people.
Likewise, Gyeo-ul came home from meeting her friends with a decent look on her face, just like me.
...Whatever she wants to say, tomorrow's fine.
Wasn't this the most mentally stable I'd been since discharge? Loving family. A lover I adore. Friends I could vent to—at least on the surface.
So... if only this got resolved, things would be perfect.
"Ah... son."
"Hello..."
What a coincidence. Didn't expect the cafe we'd agreed to meet at to be the one where I used to work. But for a reunion after over a decade, it wasn't a bad spot.
"Yeah. Sit there. Right there."
"...How'd you recognize me right away?"
"Got a photo from your mom."
Truth be told, I'd have recognized Dad's face instantly too. That subtly exotic look from living abroad. Overdressed for his age. Solid build even sitting. No trace of stubble. Skin that barely showed his years despite the long absence. If I took care of myself overseas till that age, I'd end up like him. Blood ties are scary.
"...How's Gyeo-ul?"
"She's good."
"Really? ...I see."
"Yes."
"Want coffee? Or food? Dad'll buy..."
"No. Not here for that."
"...Okay."
"...Dad, got nothing to say?"
Was he shy? Or didn't know where to start? I could guess his inner turmoil. The way he tapped his foot, clenched and unclenched his fist, twitched his mouth—he was agonizing.
...If you're gonna agonize like that, why not back then? Whoops. Almost said it.
"...Um, son."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Didn't matter why he was sorry or how the divorce happened and he left Mom. What mattered was that he'd done something worth apologizing for.
But... I was curious. What kind of guy makes Mom want to remarry after raising us alone? ...His looks made sense of it, but there had to be more.
"Divorcing your mom. Leaving you kids and going overseas... I'm sorry, Dad is."
"Why didn't you come back from overseas?"
"...After I went to the US, things were bad with your mom for a while. Later, it felt too late to contact you kids..."
Contradiction. The guy who left because he couldn't get along with Mom now wants back in the family fold. ...Honestly, I got it. Living abroad, returning home, everyone distant and daunting. The ex-wife he occasionally contacted was still single, raising his blood kids. So he reaches out, and somehow it progresses. He was human too—wanting to wash away the guilt.
"I don't get it. Why'd you go overseas in the first place?"
But today, I was gonna be a dick about it. Understanding and it sucking were separate.
"...I didn't divorce to go overseas. Planned to take you kids too."
"Then why divorce?"
"We were both busy. Couldn't care for each other. Tired, fighting... Exhausted. Petty arguments piled up, and it hurt."
"So you divorced?"
"Didn't plan to. I was... childish back then."
"...What?"
"I said if it's like this, I'd go to the US alone... and she said go ahead."
"You're kidding, right?"
No. ...What the fuck. Sigh... What a childish bastard. Not that I could talk.
"Dad."
"...Yeah, son."
"I was like eight? Around then for the divorce."
"..."
"You're fifty now. Over thirty back then, right?"
"...Sorry."
"Fuck, if you're sorry, why actually go when she said go..."
"...Dad's sorry."
Still, fuck... I'm only twenty. No kids. Only one person to be responsible for, and this guy's...
Sigh. Calm down. Can't get too emotional with Dad. Stay cool.
"If you're sorry, why come back?"
"...Your mom said."
"What?"
"She felt too sorry toward you kids."
"..."
"...Come back, get cursed at, live making it up to you."
Truth was, I'd planned to drown him in guilt. Make him feel like a scum dad who needed to atone. Be cold enough for that... But cursing someone who wants to be cursed? Pointless. Just a reward.
"I've got a question, Dad."
"...What?"
So, time to pivot.
"Why do you think we'd curse you?"
I didn't have massive resentment toward Dad, honestly. They say the opposite of love isn't hate—it's indifference. I didn't care much. Barely remembered him. Him coming back just pissed me off out of nowhere.
"We never cared enough to curse you. Why overrate yourself like that?"
To that irritating guy... was there a sharper jab? I couldn't think of one.
"Thought you'd cry and curse me for what I did if I came back?"
"..."
"We didn't give a shit. Lived fine under Mom and Grandma."
"..."
"Well, Mom still seems to like you. Won't stand in the way of you two restarting..."
"...Son."
"Yes."
All the pent-up venom I'd harbored. It wasn't really for him. More like shitty army superiors, middle school teachers who treated students like shit. Seeing Dad take it in my place, even choking up a bit—he was pitiful, but deserved a day of it.
...If he'd at least kept in touch. Or never come back. I wouldn't go this far.
"Dad's sorry..."
"If you're sorry, fine."
And usually, getting beat clouds judgment.
"Gyeo-ul and I both live alone."
"..."
"Can't leave Mom by herself... Move back in and take care of her. Don't apologize to us."
So, he'd probably miss the implication entirely. He'd scarred our hearts. We'd leave one scar back. All three sinners to Mom—let's compromise and live.
Father.