115. Rainbow-Colored Sky
We walked in silence, the three of us, all the way to the café where I'd worked at the start of the year. I felt a pang of needless guilt at the thought of running into the owner, but luckily, she wasn't there today. It wasn't my usual shift anyway, so there were no familiar faces.
We slipped into a quiet corner where rumors were less likely to spread, and I sat down facing my colleague, with Gyeo-ul right beside me.
"…."
I waited for her to speak first, sipping my unsweetened Americano to wet my throat.
…Even on the way over, I'd been half-disbelieving, but seeing her anxiously scraping her nails against the table only deepened my certainty.
I couldn't be sure who the target was, but… it had to be someone like us.
"Um… Haneul unnie."
"…."
"Do you… maybe feel the same way we do…."
"…What?"
…?
Her reaction made no sense. She looked outright offended, like she couldn't believe it. Wait, wasn't this what she had brought up? Why get pissed now? Obviously, she must have a younger brother or older brother… or wait, had she said she didn't? Maybe a cousin?
"…Hold on, what the hell are you two thinking?"
"That you're… like us…."
"Haa… No. Hey. You two are seriously… Ugh, forget it."
She let out a heavy sigh, looking like she might explode from frustration. …Hadn't she told us to follow her because she was going to spill? Of course, I knew better than anyone how hard it was to say it out loud….
"Look, that's why I was so interested in you guys… no, in you. Don't you think I've been acting extra friendly?"
"To me?"
"Yeah, you. I've been buddying up to you a lot."
"…Isn't that just how you are?"
"No. …It's weird to just drop the conclusion, so let me explain from the beginning."
She thumped her chest as if to clear the frustration, swallowed hard, and started laying bare her vulnerability to clear up the misunderstanding.
"You seemed like a normal, good-looking guy who wasn't interested in anyone… so I got curious, you know?"
It sounded familiar, like something I'd heard before. Last year? Yeah, probably when she, her sibling, and a couple others were eating together. I couldn't pinpoint the exact time, but… the conclusion back then had been pretty unpleasant….
"After you got discharged, I heard stories from other people, and even when we talked in person sometimes, it was the same. You act like you have a girlfriend… but nothing."
"…What?"
"Photos."
Photos… well, they existed, but I couldn't exactly show them off. Not with that level of intensity.
"So I kept probing, over and over. But you never once said you had a girlfriend. Then I'd ask the other part-timers, and they'd say you were off meeting your girl every time. What the hell…?"
The suspicion that had been near-certainty shifted shape. From one misfit mold to another equally mismatched one. Different forms, but similar all the same. Out of spec either way.
"So… I thought you were like me."
…Wait, seriously? That's why she'd been so friendly? Because she thought I was that way?
"…I don't really get along with normal people. You didn't seem bad from the stories, and even talking to you in person, you seemed pretty normal."
"…."
"I thought I could make a friend to talk about this with. …Since I can't be friends with people exactly like me."
Exactly like her. Someone with the same tastes, easy to talk to, someone you'd genuinely like as a person. …Of course you'd fall for them romantically. So she wanted someone similar but without that feeling.
Well, ultimately… we were different, but similar enough.
"…U-Unnie."
As I mulled over her words, Gyeo-ul started trembling all over and grabbed my hand under the table.
…Ah, got it.
I'd probably feel weird too if a friend said something like that….
"Th-That… no way, not really with me…."
"Hey, fuck off, Kim Gyeo-ul. You trying to die?"
She exploded. Even someone who looks that sweet has a breaking point.
No, Gyeo-ul, come on. You should get it by now. She's like racing along the guardrail at the edge of the highway; we're out swimming in the ocean beyond it. Similar level, not the same.
"Even if you're my dongsaeng's friend, there's shit I can say and shit I can't… Haa… Never mind."
"…?"
"I said I didn't have a boyfriend, right? And that my situation was better than yours. But fuck… it's not better. Right, Gyeo-ul?"
Objectively, her situation might be a tad less dire… but worries are always like that—there's always a worse one, never an easier one. Everyone has their own brand of hell.
Subjectively, though… we might have it better than her. At least we're together.
"Ah…! A-Ah, yeah… Sorry, Haneul unnie. When I saw you looking at me earlier, I just assumed…."
"…Whatever. It's not my place. I jumped to conclusions about your brother too."
Honestly, it was extremely unpleasant to be misunderstood like that. But people see what they want to see. That's how we looked to her, and that's how she looked to us. She wasn't plotting anything bad against me or anything. She just needed a friend to share her burdens with.
And someone hiding a partner that suspiciously… yeah, it makes sense.
…Wait, hold up?
Gyeo-ul gripped my hand tighter and spoke up.
"Hey, just to be sure…."
"You two seriously wanna die? Don't cross that line. I'm into smaller people, fuck. You're both tall as hell; I hate it."
"No, no, that's not what I was gonna ask…."
"Then what?"
"…Whether you thought Gyeo-ul was like that too. She lied about not having a boyfriend."
"…Honestly, I suspected a little. But it's obvious up close. Kim Ga-eul, you had zero interest in me, so I suspected you. Gyeo-ul had zero interest in me."
…Well, I was a little curious. If she was approaching my sister with personal feelings… ugh, I'd never allow that, tastes aside.
"Of course, I was shocked at first too. …But what can you do? It's not cheating. No harm done to me."
Now that things had come this far, conversations we'd had started resurfacing one by one. Her cousin noona was friends with her too, right? She'd gotten close after her friend told her the noona's boyfriend was cheating.
Looking back, she was nosy as hell. …But it helped a lot.
"I was so frustrated because I couldn't help it. Would've been better if I'd realized sooner. But I figured it out after growing up a bit."
"Ah…."
"My head knew it was disgusting, but realizing I was that disgusting person… I wanted to die."
"…I get it."
It's unethical. Morally wrong. Of course twisted people know that. Knowing it and still feeling it… that's what makes it hurt more.
"So I wanted a 'friend' suffering the same way, to have real talks. But fuck, you two are worse than I imagined…."
"Hey, bitch, you gonna say that when we're in the same boat?"
"…Exactly. I thought no one had it worse than me. But meeting someone like you… it made me worry even more. What the hell do I do?"
I'd thought she was just bubbly and popular on the surface, but once she revealed her deepest secrets—stuff most people never show—she turned out mouthier and more explosive than expected.
Makes sense. We all wear masks; why wouldn't she?
"I was gonna pretend I didn't know, like you asked… but I was afraid I'd end up like you later."
"…."
"Even if I meet someone good. I'd probably explode from the frustration, just like you two."
What if we'd found someone like us first? If we'd realized it wouldn't end beautifully… what would we have done?
Probably not this. We'd have just watched from afar, feeling sorry.
"So I hoped you siblings would make it work. If people worse off than me could thrive, maybe I could too."
"…."
"…But you two must be crazy, suddenly hugging out of nowhere. I thought you'd bail for sure, but you sat back down, faces like steel plates, and started that drinking game…."
"Shut… the fuck up."
…Why ruin a touching moment by dredging up that shitty memory?
Fuck, I was so embarrassed earlier….
"Cursing at your lifesaver? If I hadn't covered for you, you'd be in the Han River by now. For real."
"Thanks, so please, just…."
I'd tried to leave, but my sister held me back. I thought she had a plan or something—said to trust her. How could I back out when Gyeo-ul believed in me and begged?
The drinking game was pure brain-freeze rambling. …She played along perfectly, so it smoothed over relatively well.
"Got it? Anyway, that's all from me. I won't say it outright, ever."
"…But doesn't that say it all?"
"I won't say it like you two. After team project wrap-up, at the afterparty…."
"Hey, there were reasons for that…."
"So that time had 'reasons' too? You know how shocked I was? Saw you two clinging in the street, thought what the…."
"Aaaah! Stop, unnie!"
I blocked her from digging up that fresh-out-of-the-oven black history, but she countered with an older but still steaming one, smacking us with facts.
…Better this way. Thank god she's like that. Now we all hold each other's weaknesses. Mutual destruction button? Zero chance. We're all safe.
"…I'll stop, but one last favor?"
"What?"
Our team leader, who'd been toying with our emotions up and down, dropped one final bombshell before closing out the project, seizing control of our siblings' hearts once more.
…Hah. We owed her more than one favor anyway; we couldn't say no.
"If I get a boyfriend later… can I introduce him to you two?"
"Sure. Brag all you want if you feel like it."
"Me too, that's fine."
"…Yeah. Thanks."
We'd basically forced her into our mess. Couldn't deny a request like that. If we did… ugh, who knows what she'd do in a rage? Fellow unpaved-road walkers gotta help each other. Ours felt more like hacking through a jungle, though.
"Then we're really done. Both of you, out of the café. This is my aunt's place."
"Hey, coffee's still…."
"Take it to go. Get out! How the fuck do you two even…."
We fled from Shin Haneul, who was whaling on us with more facts, and I grabbed Gyeo-ul's hand as we bolted out of the café.
Haa. What a relief.
Different from the emptiness earlier. That was the hollow letdown after going solo; this was the satisfied glow after being with Gyeo-ul.
…Drank too much? Brain's fried.
Still… peace of mind. For the first time in months, a huge weight lifted. Few months? Felt like forever.