Two Weeks After the Mock Exam
Two weeks had passed since that day of the mock exam. Nothing much had really happened in the meantime. Except the weather cooling off a bit, and my sister getting a little chilly.
"...I'm off."
"...Yeah, good luck on the exam."
I hated how awkward things had gotten between us. I cherished her, and she looked up to me a lot. I just wanted to keep that distance from changing. It was embarrassing to say it out loud, but... I really, really liked my sister. Not in a weird way—just as family.
"...Hoo."
Of course, I could understand why she'd been putting some space between us lately. Honestly, after seeing those looks from her friends, it'd be weirder if she hadn't. Those eyes that said they'd seen something they shouldn't have. I wasn't dumb or oblivious enough not to know what that meant.
It wasn't like I couldn't understand why they'd look at us that way. A three-year age gap between siblings, and we're this close? It's not exactly common. Still, it pissed me off like nothing else. Couldn't siblings just be close? What the hell had we done wrong? Why should I have to feel awkward around Gyeo-ul because of some baseless misunderstanding?
...I wanted to scream it into a bamboo grove or something.
I got home, but like always these days, I couldn't focus on anything. Books held no interest, games were boring, studying? No motivation. The only thing that worked was pushing my body to exhaustion during workouts—it left no room for overthinking. It felt like my high school mentality, fragile as glass, had come creeping back.
I sprawled blankly on the sofa until it was almost time for her exam to end, then threw on some clothes and headed to school. Waiting by the roadside, I saw Gyeo-ul trudging toward me.
"...Oppa."
"How'd the mock exam go?"
"...Oppa."
She climbed into the passenger seat after the exam, her hands trembling.
...This wasn't good.
"Gyeo-ul."
"...Oppa."
"...Give me your hand first."
I placed my palm over her unsteady one. Even as autumn approached, it was chillingly cold. Checking her wrist, her pulse raced frighteningly fast and strong.
"You okay?"
"...Oppa."
"It's just me—tell me. Anything."
"...The exam went well, probably..."
"Yeah."
"...But I can't calm down a little."
"What part?"
"It's never happened before... like this."
She spoke haltingly, swallowing between words. How the hell had she aced the exam in that state? I had no idea.
"...Feels like I'm gonna puke, hands shaking, like I chugged coffee... heart acting weird."
"I had that in my senior year too. It's just stress."
"What do I do...?"
"Rest. It'll get better."
The college entrance exam, once a distant tale, was starting to loom close. Add in piling stresses? The September mock exam pressure on top? No wonder it all blew up.
I wasn't a doctor—I had no clue what this was or how to fix it. Better to bluff than make her more anxious. Anything beat more stress.
"...Yeah. I'll rest today."
"Not just today—let's take off until the day after tomorrow. Fevers don't count as absences anyway."
"...Huh?"
"Just rest. At home. Through the weekend."
If not for that damn pandemic, I'd have taken her somewhere. Refresh trips were perfect for times like this.
...If she wouldn't, I'd make her.
"...Okay."
"Home first."
"...Yeah."
Driving one-handed with my left felt nostalgic after so long. Never imagined manual transmission from the military would come in handy like this.
"...We're home."
"Aigoo, my babies. Dinner's...?"
"...Gyeo-ul's not feeling well."
"...Want some seaweed soup?"
"...No, we'll eat together later."
Mom, who'd come home early to prep dinner, saw Gyeo-ul's face and froze. She pulled her by the wrist to my room, past the table. We sat side by side on the bed after closing the door.
"...?"
"Better than earlier?"
"...Yeah."
"Can I ask one thing?"
"...Sure."
"...What'd they say to you?"
"Who?"
"Your friends."
"...Nothing."
"You've been fidgety since then."
"...They didn't say much. Just...?"
"Just?"
"Worried... about me."
She stammered, stroking her chest before continuing.
"When you drove me home, or after... nothing specific. Just... overly attentive."
"How so?"
"...Hard to explain, but the teasing stopped."
"Teasing?"
"...Wait. Deep breath."
She undid a shirt button, inhaled deeply, rubbed her collarbone, and exhaled.
"...When you went to the military."
"Yeah."
"...They found out you drove."
"Yeah."
"Teased me sometimes, like 'Aren't you too sad?'"
"...Yeah."
"I ignored it so much they stopped for a while... then when you got discharged, they wanted to see you."
"That was at the start of school."
"After, they buzzed about me crying, jealous sometimes."
She swallowed dryly.
"...But after that day, it all vanished."
"What did?"
"Everything. Talk about you."
"...I see."
"...Not sure if they're being considerate or uncomfortable. Anyway."
I got it, roughly. We looked closer than they'd imagined—must've thrown them. Maybe weird guesses too.
...Good they didn't push or exclude her. Of course—decent friends wouldn't.
"So that's what stressed you?"
"...No."
"Then what?"
"...Can't say."
"Even if I ask?"
"No, absolutely not."
"...Okay."
I couldn't guess her stress source either.
...Something unspeakable, probably. I had secrets too.
"Nausea's better?"
"...Yeah, calmed down."
"Rest a bit, then come out. Dinner with Mom."
"Yeah."
I let go of her hand and left. Wiped the sweat on my clothes. Mom, waiting blankly at the table, spoke up.
"...Did she bomb the exam?"
"No, she said it went okay."
"Then why?"
"...Too tense, felt like puking."
"...Aigoo. I should've paid more attention..."
"I'm on it, don't worry."
"Lucky I have my son. You've gotten so reliable."
"I've always been."
"...No conscience, Ga-eul?"
"If I had, I wouldn't have done that in high school."
"Aigoo, all talk."
As I chatted to ease her, Gyeo-ul came to the table. Dinner for three was delicious as always.
After washing up and lying down, sleep wouldn't come. I tossed under the covers, sighed, and got up.
...Waiting wouldn't help.
Was I an idiot? Nothing was resolved—for me or her. We were both still unstable.
I opened my door and headed to the next room. As I hesitated before knocking, the knob turned from inside.
"...Ah."
"Hey."
"...Why?"
"Here for my pillow back."
I hadn't thought of an excuse, but good thing I'd prepped one.
"Coming in."
"...Yeah."
She backed up, opening the door. Her room smelled the same despite the time away.
"Can I sit?"
"Oh, yeah. On the bed."
"...Pillow first."
"Ah, that... here."
She handed over the gray pillow and sat in the chair.
...Not even mine. Whatever—now it was.
"Thanks. Night."
"Huh?"
"Sleep well."
I flopped to the bed's edge, pillow under head.
...This was fucking embarrassing. How'd she pull this off?
"Um, oppa?"
"...?"
"...You okay?"
"No, that's why I'm here."
"Why suddenly?"
"Then why'd you?"
"...?"
"Why act so awkward all of a sudden? Made me feel shitty."
"...?"
She shut her mouth, eyes down. I knew why. Couldn't not think it after the misunderstanding. So she avoided me.
"Not blaming you... but like I said, I hate siblings getting distant."
"...Yeah."
"Sure, your friends might see it as suspicious. But that's 'cause I touched your hair."
"...?"
"So conclusion... bicker sometimes, look out for each other, joke around. Like normal."
"...Oppa."
She stood, climbed quietly onto the bed, sat before me.
"...Why do you hate us being awkward so much?"
"...Told you last time."
"Not convinced."
"...I could tell you."
"Yeah."
"...Don't laugh."
"Won't."
Hoo... Never thought I'd tell her first. Figured Mom forever.
"...I don't wanna marry."
"...Lots don't."
"Not the point..."
Couldn't face her, so I lay flat, arm over eyes.
"You know I'm shy, few friends."
"...?"
"Not none, but they might not stick 10, 20 years. I'm not that great a friend."
"Yeah."
"And... no confidence I'd be a good dad or husband. Or find a good wife."
"...Why?"
"You might not remember, but I do from when we were kids... Mom and Dad were so close. For a while."
"...I see."
"Even they divorced. Can't imagine me marrying well. Maintaining it? No way."
"What's that got to do with me?"
"...If I don't marry, only you and Mom to cry for me."
That was it. Blood ties endure. Felt it post-Suneung, in the military, at the funeral.
"Cousins, aunts sure—but I'm family of family to them."
"...?"
"But you're my sister. I'm your brother."
"...That's the reason?"
"Gotta face you forever, and after I die, no one else for my funeral."
"...?"
"So no matter what, I never wanna fall out with you."
"...Oppa."
Something soft landed on my covered arm. Same feel as two weeks ago.
"...Creepiest thing you've said so far."
"...Gave me chills saying it."
"If I'm that precious, grant one request."
"What."
"Don't move till I say it's okay."
Deep inhale. Then full-body warmth clung.
"...Hey."
"Don't move."
"...Till when."
"Tomorrow."
"Past midnight."
"24 hours then."
Breath on my nape. Hot. Weight on arm. Heavy. Pressure on legs. Ticklish.
But not bad.
"...Oppa."
"...What."
"Sorry. Broke my promise."
"You laughed?"
"Really sorry. Can't stop."
"Fuck, that was my most serious talk ever."
"Pff Hehehe..."
She giggled, rubbing her face on my shoulder. Shirt damp—tears? What was so funny?
"Oppa."
"...Embarrassed, don't talk."
"Hypothetical."
"...?"
"...If lonely, come to my room."
"...Pride as the older one."
"You're here now."
"Mental's off today."
"Why?"
"...Who do you think?"
"Hehehe..."
"Stop laughing, arm's numb—get off?"
"...One more favor first."
"What."
"...Hug me."
"...?"
Today's exception. Just now. Didn't get the reason, but siblings. She cherished me back. Her way of showing it.
"...For real?"
"You asked."
"I did, but..."
"Gotta wake early tomorrow."
"...Yeah."
"Mom'd freak."
"...True."
"...Night, Gyeo-ul."
"You too. ...Night."
Whispered goodnight by my ear felt warmly new. Arms around, facing—hearts closer. Slow beats despite bedtime.
Embarrassing words aside, calmer than her earlier pulse. More at peace.