Finally Speaking My Mind
It had been so long since I'd felt the heavy kick of the accelerator. I figured it'd feel awkward, but it was way more familiar than I'd thought. As I tapped the steering wheel a few times with my fingers, Mom spoke up first.
"Jeju Island's great. You haven't been yet, have you, son?"
"...Not yet."
"When Dad gets back, let's all go together—the four of us. I've found some really tasty spots there."
Just ordinary chit-chat, nothing heavy or serious. Stuff that didn't really need to be said just between the two of us.
"...Mom."
"Yeah, sweetie?"
"Why'd you send Gyeo-ul upstairs?"
Sending Gyeo-ul back up hadn't been hard. She'd made a troubled face when I told her to rest at home, but she'd caught on quick.
...It was just that I had no idea what Mom wanted to talk about, and that scared me.
"Oh, that? I just... figured it'd be awkward if Gyeo-ul heard it, so I sent her up. It's not anything serious."
Like hell it's not.
...Or maybe it is. It might really not be a big deal. Maybe I was the only one freaking out because of my own screw-ups.
"...What is it?"
"Gyeo-ul has a boyfriend, right?"
"..."
Something that was important if you made it important, trivial if you didn't. ...A blatant lie that had never even existed.
"They broke up, didn't they?"
"...Yeah."
Mom still believed that lie. ...For now, at least, she was in the dark about us.
"Our little girl doesn't even introduce him to me, doesn't tell me they broke up... but she tells her big bro everything. Made me a little jealous, you know?"
"...Probably felt weird telling her own mom about her love life."
"Just in case, I asked Anna when we were at Big Aunt's earlier. She said she doesn't have one either."
"Gyeo-ul's not the type to go blabbing about that stuff. She always says she doesn't have one. She told me the same."
"What was he like?"
Gyeo-ul's boyfriend. Why bring it up now?
She'd met some guy who wasn't right for her, they didn't click, so they split. Nothing weird about that story.
"...I don't know the details."
"She didn't tell you?"
"Nope."
"But she told you they broke up?"
"...Yeah."
"...Did I do something wrong?"
"Huh?"
My heart dropped with a thud. Those words I'd known would come someday. Hearing them without any prep hit like a punch to the gut—I felt like I might puke right then.
"Truth is, I didn't want Gyeo-ul to break up with her boyfriend. ...I was just curious about the guy."
I took a deep breath. ...Not the meaning I'd feared. She hadn't figured it out.
She was just wondering if she'd messed up somehow.
"To me, she's still a kid, but she's grown up so fast into an adult. I got a little too shocked back then..."
"...Yeah."
"I wonder if I overreacted to my daughter's private life."
Should she not have shown that side to her daughter? Even if she'd found those hidden sexy clothes, maybe she should've just joked about it, smacked her on the back, and let it go? Even if her daughter seemed like a kid, she was an adult.
Was it because of me that her daughter broke up with someone she liked? ...What a pointless worry.
Seeing her fret like this over something so small only made my chest heavier.
"Being on Jeju made me regret it a bit. The plane tickets—weren't they for Gyeo-ul to go have fun with her boyfriend?"
"..."
"Couldn't turn down a gift from my daughter. If she'd been upset, I could've gone with her to cheer her up, but she acted fine, so I couldn't even do that. So I tried acting fine myself... but it was hard."
"...Acting fine?"
Acting fine. ...No way in hell.
We just felt guilty about the lying, but when we were together, we were happy as could be.
"Even if Gyeo-ul's pretending to be okay now, she must be hurting bad."
"Nah, she's fine."
"She was so excited about her first boyfriend, and her super close big bro—the one she loves and relies on—tells her to break up. You think she's fine?"
"...Huh?"
"Gyeo-ul looks up to you a lot. Relies on you big time."
"Not that much..."
"She ignores me, but listens to you. She really likes you."
...How much did Mom know?
Did she think Gyeo-ul just admired me as her big brother? Or... did she suspect there might be real feelings?
...If it was the latter, she wouldn't say it so casually.
"You took such good care of her during Suneung. After mock exams when she was all fidgety, when I was quarantined... she can rely on you."
"...Yeah."
"When the person you like doesn't take your side, it hurts even more. She's probably feeling betrayed by you, so she's lashing out and clinging."
"..."
"And if you get hurt bad in your first relationship, it's hard to like anyone else. ...Better if they just didn't match, but if others opposed it, that's worse."
Her voice dripped with regret. ...Almost like she was talking about herself.
Maybe it really was her story. No remarriage, no new boyfriend, even now hoping to reconcile after all this time.
"But our son's gotten good at dating this year—after getting smashed and whiny last year. Even if it crashed and burned."
"You don't have to bring that up..."
"I'm worried, you know. ...I don't want Gyeo-ul meeting some jerk like I did. I want her to try a few, find a really good one, and live happily."
"She's smart..."
"So I'm dumb? I went to college too, you know."
"...I meant she's smart like you."
"That's the problem—she takes after me. Good at studying, but blind when it comes to guys."
Gyeo-ul wasn't blind to guys. She'd picked right. Found one who liked her, loved her, would protect her—and secretly reeled him in.
We just couldn't reveal who it was. ...Not to Mom.
"She'd be perfect with someone just like you, huh?"
"...Mom."
Lies tomorrow, bullshit the day after. Next year... the year after. Decades from now, until Mom passed.
Maybe even after.
"If Gyeo-ul can't find someone good..."
A mom's wish for her daughter's happiness. A big brother's for his little sister's.
Nothing conflicting there. Same feelings, really.
"I'll take care of her."
I wanted to say more. Spill it all, get her approval.
...Lies. I couldn't keep going...
"I don't know if I'll get married or not, but... if it's someone decent, they'll understand me living with my sister-in-law..."
Couldn't bare it all, but this much...
"Son."
"...Yeah."
"Don't think like that yet. Just go make up with your sister. She's not saying it, but she's pissed at you."
"...Huh?"
"How'd you chew her out so bad she dumped her boyfriend? I didn't go that far."
"Ah, well..."
...Sigh. Just... a little more.
Not everything, but what I could say.
"...I didn't say much."
"She broke up just 'cause her brother said so?"
"Yeah."
"...?"
"I just growled at her to show me her boyfriend's true colors once, and she dumped him."
"...Son."
"...What? I care about her a lot too—can't I?"
I love my sister too much. As family. As a woman.
As a lifelong partner.
So... I couldn't hide how much I cared as family anymore.
Trying to hide everything meant some of it'd slip.
If we got caught, better this than the truth.
"Still, if you do that, your sister..."
"She grilled me about my girlfriend, made me break up. Can't I do the same?"
"...Did she make you break up?"
"No, she wouldn't even boil ramen for me, just tormented me. Then she goes and dates someone—why should I put up with that?"
So... let's just say Gyeo-ul likes her big bro a ton too.
She follows whatever I say without refusing, sticks to my side if I don't stop her.
Not wrong. True, even.
"Aigoo... what am I gonna do with my kids?"
"Dunno. If no one better than me shows up, I'm never letting Gyeo-ul date. Why should she when her bro can't?"
"...Just live together then. No one'd put up with you two."
"C'mon, someone's gotta..."
"Hey, if a husband gets along better with his sister-in-law than his wife, you think the house runs smooth?"
"What's wrong with siblings being close...?"
"Even close siblings make people jealous! Back on our anniversary, I went to check on Big Aunt, and your dad was so disappointed."
"...That happened?"
"Yeah. I told him it wasn't all his fault."
...Was that even wrong? Sure, he might've felt neglected, but compared to a dad who never showed his face...
"...Anyway. Point is, I care about Gyeo-ul a lot, so if it comes to it, I'll just live with her. Independence... well, once I get a job. Better than leaving her alone, right?"
"I've got money, kid. We can all move and live together."
"...Four of us might be too much."
"...You hate Dad that much?"
"Hate him? Honestly, I hate him so much I wanna kill him sometimes."
Ah, screw it. Even beating around the bush, spitting it out felt refreshing—like a hole punched through me.
Filter gone from my throat.
Fuck it... say what I want.
"I'm only holding back 'cause you still like him. Me and Gyeo-ul? We hate him."
"...Really?"
"We talked about it—just the two of us. If Dad comes back, we'll move out together."
"..."
"...Yeah, that's how much we hate him."
"..."
"Not against you reconciling. Just... yeah. Even if he comes back, I can't treat him like Dad. Maybe your boyfriend, at best."
I'd vomited it all out. ...Except my own faults.
But hey, I could complain a little too, right?
"...Son."
"Yeah."
"Sorry. ...Truth is, I still like your dad a lot."
"...Otherwise you wouldn't even consider reconciling."
"I used you kids as an excuse... but really, I couldn't say no 'cause I can't forget him."
"...Yeah."
"...I won't let your dad move back in. We'll live nearby. How we meet up's my business."
"If we just move out..."
"Kicking you out to bring him in—think that'd make me or him feel better? ...Stay home. You like my cooking."
"...I'll think about it."
"After all this, you're still thinking of leaving? Too harsh."
"No, separate from that—Gyeo-ul wants to live on her own..."
We'd reached the mart, but the talk didn't stop.
I'd had no idea spilling even a little would feel this good.
...Maybe the day we stop lying isn't so far off.
Probably get smacked for it once.
Living in hiding was suffocating.