Of Course It Smells in the Apocalypse
Creeeak. Thud.
Curtis and James, both gasping for breath, coughed a few times and sank to the floor. A wooden crate loaded with a heavy machine gun and ammunition sat between them. While Curtis wiped the sweat from his face, James pulled a blanket over the crate.
"So much for 'don't trust him too much.'"
His son was the first to speak.
"Pipe bombs. Armor-piercing rounds. And now you've gone and captured a heavy machine gun—with a man you said we couldn't trust, no less."
"Enjoying yourself, needling an old man?"
"No. Just saying—you used to be rough with everyone except Mom and Sarah."
Curtis let out a long breath, and a smile followed it. For a face that wrinkled, it was a handsome smile.
"It's been a while… that was fun."
Picking up tools and asking questions. Trading ideas. Building a prototype, putting their heads together over how to refine it. Testing the finished product and watching it work. The old man walked through the whole sequence again, carefully, with a worn-out brain.
"And I found an old comrade, too."
"Feels like just yesterday we were mounting that thing on a Humvee and firing till our ears fell off."
"Before long I'll build a bunker, too. Hell, maybe even a car?"
"And where exactly are you planning to drive it?"
"It's a bunker, isn't it? Dig around and you'll find spaces the feds built plenty big. They hid missiles in them."
"Riding a vehicle with a heavy machine gun mounted on it—in a place where they hid missiles. Fantastic."
"I'll have to take Sarah on a nice drive."
Belly laughs burst out of both of them. After the wave of laughter passed, there was no tension left on either face.
"So. Hyunwoo—what's he doing now?"
"Talking about toilets and electricity. Said he wants to make this place livable."
"…Is he serious?"
"Sounds a lot simpler than making bullets."
Both of them nodded. There was no more doubt. Only curiosity remained—how much better things could get.
"This might actually be a jackpot."
"Even in a life as twisted as yours, I still managed to hand you a fistful of luck."
"You handed me luck, Dad?"
"He's the yellow monkey I found, you punk."
"Yellow monkey, my ass. Looks more like we'll have to put him on a pedestal. Why don't you just adopt him?"
"Not a bad idea. He'd be a hell of a lot better than a son who failed at marriage."
"Dad."
Curtis wiped away the last of his sweat and stood, a smile still glued to his mouth.
"Well then—shall we go bring some snacks to our Hyunwoo Omen, the man who's going to get us hot showers?"
"You're already treating him like a son?"
"I finally met a kid worth teaching again. Figured I'd play the father for once. Got a problem with that?"
"Just go already."
The iron door opened and closed.
James kneaded the muscles that were still angry from hauling heavy metal and wood, and drifted into thought. Worth teaching. Playing the father. He remembered the games Curtis used to play with him as a boy—digging trenches, standing watch, aiming sticks at the enemy squirrels and making gun noises with his mouth as he drove them off.
"…Honestly. Would it kill him to say something nice for once?"
A small smile found its way onto James's face as he stood.
"So you can really get us showers?"
"Hand—flashlight. Flashlight!"
"Whoops. Here—this good?"
"A little higher… yeah."
The five-thousand-liter water tank filled the entire room. Sarah and I sat on top of it, checking the inside. No visible signs of contamination, and the Geiger counter the Omen family had brought registered normal. I scooped a little water onto litmus paper and watched it turn blue… mm.
"The water's clean. The lid was closed, so I don't think it'll be a problem."
"If we boil it once, we can use it right away, right? Five thousand liters—and it's packed full!"
"I'm going to set things up so we don't have to scoop and boil every single time."
"…From bullets to plumbing. What did you even do for a living up there?"
Can't exactly say I was a part-timer who opened games and internet forums the second I got off work.
So, uh.
"Someone who tried a little of everything to make some money."
…Resume padding, technique number one. Keep it vague, stay as close to the truth as possible. I didn't lie.
Office assistant work to convenience-store shifts—the whole range.
"That's amazing."
Anyway, once you show results with actions, people are satisfied. Even if they're suspicious, what can they say when the sales numbers and customer satisfaction come out well?
And right now—
"If we run pipe to the place we'll use as a shower and toilet, and find the bathroom-side pipes somewhere around here and connect them…"
"Just hearing it sounds like a massive construction project."
In the game it wasn't that hard. Place the blueprint, bring the materials, join the steel plates and scrap with a portable crafting kit, and you're done. Other people had to hunt for a bathroom every time or go back to a shelter they'd built themselves—but a Crafter was basically a god of interior renovation, to the point you could call it reality manipulation.
Ah, and bullets and guns too, of course. It's just that the basic survival stats were pathetic. Hell, I still can't even cook a simple meal without help.
"I'll install a boiler, too. We'll need to pull power for that… whew, the workload's going to pile up. Oh, and we'll need a fair amount of fuel as a bonus. A water purification system, too…"
"You're not writing a fantasy novel, are you?"
I smiled instead of answering.
For a Crafter, this is only the beginning.
"Keep the lid closed. I'm going to figure out the materials we need."
"…Just checking in advance—you didn't hit your head on something, did you?"
"I made bullets by type, and you're still like this?"
"If finding clean water were easy, the last proper shower I had wouldn't have been more than a few months ago."
I wonder what she'll say when she sees me build a water filter later out of four gas-mask canisters, a screwdriver, and one big plastic bottle.
…Wait. Hold on. What?
"A few… months."
"Yes. A few months. Drinking water is too precious. You wet a towel and rub, or on a lucky day you get to use a few wet wipes. Why?"
"…"
"It's the apocalypse. Is this really that strange?"
"…"
"…I didn't want it to turn out this way either, you know."
"…"
"Say something!"
So that's why.
So that's why I kept thinking I smelled vinegar from somewhere.
Oh, good Lord.
Being a Crafter, I'd completely overlooked this part. Keeping clean is a lot harder than you'd think. All this time I'd assumed the smell was just baked into the bunker.
"I'll make the water filter and the boiler first. Fast."
I handed her the notebook with the materials listed and stepped out of the boiler room.
And there was Curtis, beaming at me with a bright smile—
No. With greasy, matted hair and a shiny nose to match.
Good God almighty.
"Brought some crackers and jerky. Figured you'd be hungry."
"Sarah, you have some too."
Now that I look at it, even that beard has a reason it holds its shape.
Ah, seriously, please.
"Sarah."
"…Ugh."
I'd meant for her to bring the notebook. Why she suddenly sniffed at herself—
"So you used gunpowder like perfume, is that it?"
She huffed indignantly, shoved the notebook at James, and stormed off. She started to close the door, then—
"Don't come in!"
—vanished with one last shout.
James tilted his head, then began slowly reading my notebook.
"Water filter, boiler, plumbing… hmm?"
"I'm going to properly solve the drinking water and shower problem. Wounds need regular cleaning too, to prevent infection."
"Ah… ha."
"What, did Sarah smell or something?"
"No, uh… it can't be helped, right? The three of them never settled down, and securing drinking water was hard enough."
I nodded, but a subtle amusement had settled in both men's eyes.
"Telling a lady she smells is…"
"Good grief. You're hopeless at romance."
"Excuse me?"
"Never mind. Focusing on the work is a good thing. Once you make the showerhead… a boiler?"
"We need hot water for showers, and it's better to disinfect the drinking water before we drink it."
The whole family staring at me with the same blue eyes in the same expression. I'm telling you it's not impossible.
"Well, for now… we should start by finding the bathroom. If there's a shower room, stripping the parts out whole will be easier."
"That's not a bad idea either. Whether we can haul them is another question, though—they're heavy…"
"Well, either way. Whether I can make it from raw materials alone is… unclear."
"The water filter I can make pretty quickly. Gas masks are lying around everywhere."
"True enough. Wander the residential sector and you can pick up four at once. We even kept spare filters on hand."
While we nodded and worked through the plan, the door burst open again. Sarah came at me with her hair a little mussed, raked it back with a flourish—
"Pah, ptoo, pff! Hair!?"
While I shook my head wildly after it went in my mouth, Sarah spoke.
"Smell me! It's fine now, right?!"
I flared my nostrils a little. There was definitely something like a sweet floral scent.
"That's perfume."
"I told you to save the perfume."
Between the chuckling adults, Sarah was grinning her head off.
"You better not fail at making that shower."
"Alright, alright. I'll stop teasing."
Less smell means fewer debuffs and a better mood bonus. Better build it fast and get her un-mad.