Parmas's Greed Causes an Incident #2
"All right. Take a deep breath in."
Hoo—.
Following Psyche's instructions, I drew in a breath.
Air flooded my chest until it felt ready to burst.
Then Psyche pressed down on my back and said,
"Now breathe out."
"Hoooo—."
Sitting on the floor, I felt Psyche's hands dig into my back—kuuuk—as if a boulder had settled on top of me. My lower back and hip joints immediately began screaming in protest.
Crack, pop, snap—.
Pop—.
"Aaaargh!"
It genuinely hurt like hell!
Psyche, you little—!
Are you trying to kill your husband?!
Milione, who had been glancing over with a bored expression while reading my masterpiece Backstreet Nymph's Village, burst into laughter the moment I screamed.
"Yes! Kill him! Fold him in half and finish him off!"
This insane woman!
One of these days I am going to smash that nose of yours flat—mark my words!
Anyway.
I was receiving a stretching session from Psyche.
The reason was simple.
Tomorrow I had to go out on a "hunt."
Time to use this body for once.
"Sir Parmas will almost certainly propose a wager. Right now he is overflowing with confidence. He will want a contest over who bags more game."
I fully intended to accept that wager.
Psyche looked at me with worry.
"Hyde, are you truly all right with this? Competing with Sir Parmas in a hunt? He is extraordinarily healthy now, you know. He has clearly returned to the days when they called him the Beheader!"
Parmas the Beheader.
That had been the young knight Parmas's moniker.
He had originally been a knight who trusted in raw physical power, hadn't he?
When age dulled his strength, he had shifted toward strategy and wisdom instead.
Milione, legs crossed in her chair, tossed in a few words of her own.
"A man with a young man's stamina and strength, plus a veteran knight's cunning. He might even rival Agiles, the former Platinum Knight—that pig currently snoring away in the guest room."
I did not answer Milione.
Psyche had started pressing on my back again.
Crack-crack-crack—.
"Aaaargh!"
My body screamed in every direction.
Psyche tilted her head, looking puzzled.
"I wasn't even pressing that hard. Why does it hurt so much?"
"I told you. Your husband Hyde is as flimsy as foxtail grass. Put even a little force on him and he snaps. Maybe the two of you never having sex was the right call after all."
"S-sex…! Do not say such lewd things in our marital bedroom!"
"What, did I say something wrong? If you two had been going at it like a normal couple, Hyde's bones would have shattered and he'd be dead for sure!"
Milione threw her head back and laughed—puhaha—.
To anyone else it might have sounded like comic exaggeration, but after that stretch I could feel how little of a joke it really was.
Psyche was a woman with the strength of a bear.
If she ever kicked me while thrashing her legs in bed, or even sneezed the wrong way, my bones would have shattered on the spot!
Chastity after marriage—.
Looking back on it now, had that been the Lord's providence, designed to keep me alive?
Psyche clenched her fists tightly.
"Hyde, from now on you need to train as well! When you vanished during the solar eclipse, I was so worried and so frightened! A person ought to be able to protect their own body at the very least!"
Train, she says.
Does she want me waking up every morning to swing a sword around, or sprint up and down steep mountains—that kind of brainless nonsense?
Since the topic had come up, I decided to ask.
"Psyche, I am a body chosen to be of greater use to the Lord than any other. Does such a body of mine seem to possess any talent for aura?"
I had been steadily cultivating holy power ever since I touched the Holy Grail and returned to the past, yet the results had been meager.
I still could not create holy water or perform purification.
A man as devout as myself having no gift for holy power…
I truly could not understand it.
So what about aura, then?
Perhaps I had been born with a tremendous gift for aura all along?
"To be honest, Hyde, you have no talent for aura. Talent is something you are born with."
No talent for aura!
I already knew, but hearing it from Psyche's own lips still hurt!
"But you have greater faith, wisdom, and courage than anyone else, don't you? Those things are rarer and stronger than aura! So take heart!"
"Psyche!"
Shhk—.
We clasped each other's hands.
As expected, only Psyche truly recognized my worth.
And as for Psyche's true worth—
that pure, soft heat in her chest and that unyielding will—I was probably the only one who could see it for what it was.
"Oh, just keep making fools of yourselves!"
Milione remained as sharp-tongued as ever.
Interrupting a married couple's private business in their own bedroom.
This rotten woman!
Then Milione spoke again.
"So, Hyde—can you actually beat Parmas? From what you've said, he'll demand some outrageous prize as the condition of the wager."
Parmas was a greedy man.
He would try to snatch the finest thing I possessed.
"Is it me? Is he going to demand me?"
Milione frowned.
But she was wrong.
He would almost certainly demand Psyche.
Of course—
I was absolutely certain I would not lose.
Beside the beautiful plains of the Agarpe territory lay a forest.
It was called the Forest of Stars—a place so lovely it truly looked as though fairies from a storybook might live there.
Long ago, the founder of House Agarpe had been chosen by a star that fell upon this forest, become a hero, and earned great merit in war—or so the tale went.
Anyway.
"To think the territory holds a forest this beautiful. It's close to Fierenzo in Durgien, the scenery is magnificent—no wonder the Unizer king once cast a covetous eye on this land!"
Parmas.
On the road toward the hunting grounds, he gazed out over the territory's natural beauty and marveled.
"But if it were me, I could develop it in far better directions. The Agarpe lands are rich in iron ore, aren't they? Open those mines and arming soldiers would be nothing at all."
Giving unsolicited advice on someone else's territory—
I've already been consulting on the development of the Agarpe lands in more ways than one, you know?
Count Doban spoke up.
"Sir Parmas, it seems not only your appearance but your heart has grown young as well. I never imagined you would take such a keen interest in the Agarpe territory."
"Since the subject has come up, why not entrust the management to me? Right now I could raise the Agarpe lands into a city that surpasses Fierenzo itself in all of Durgien. No—perhaps the greatest city in the entire kingdom! Money! Connections! Everything would flood into Agarpe!"
Clench—.
Parmas's face, as he tightened his fist, now looked like that of a vigorous man in his twenties.
Watching that dreamy, youthful expression, Doban shook his head.
"I am content as things stand."
"Is that truly so? This was once said to rival even the capital, Royal Road. Are you pleased to watch it decline like this? Count Doban, you are poor at lying to your own desires. I can tell."
Saying so, Parmas curled the corner of his mouth in a silent smile.
The atmosphere grew increasingly awkward.
We dismounted.
We had arrived at the hunting grounds within the forest.
"Hyde, since we have this rare chance to hunt, why not make a wager? We weigh whatever we catch, and the lighter side grants the heavier side a wish—how does that sound?"
A wager, is it?
Just as I expected. This bastard never strays from the script.
He's definitely planning some underhanded trick.
But no matter how young and cocky you've become, you still can't beat me.
"Very well. We shall grant any wish at all. Anything. The loser fulfills whatever wish the winner names. How does that sound?"
"Truly anything?"
The corner of Parmas's mouth curled higher as he spoke.
His snakelike eyes curved into crescents, and their gaze fixed on Psyche, still mounted on her horse.
Psyche, apparently displeased, whipped her head away.
But I could feel the sticky, coiling desire in the way he looked at her—like a serpent winding around its prey.
From the start, he had not even bothered to hide what he wanted.
"And if I demand that you divorce her? If I tell you to give me Psyche as my wife?"
At Parmas's question, the escort soldiers stirred loudly.
"That shameless bastard!"
"To set his sights on Lady Psyche…"
I had noticed it for a long time now.
In this world, the men who most deserved to be called villains always lusted after Psyche.
Because she was clean as soap and pure as snow.
Just as a thirsty man is drawn to a well, the filthy were drawn to Psyche's purity without even realizing it.
Doban cleared his throat.
"Sir Parmas, the jest goes too far. Are you not a knight sworn to chastity? Even if Psyche divorced, she could never marry you."
He looked thoroughly displeased.
But Parmas only chuckled—heh heh—.
"I had already planned to retire upon turning seventy this year. His Holiness Pope Gregory and I had settled the matter. In other words, I will no longer be a Gold Badge Knight."
"Sir Parmas."
I called his name.
At once every gaze turned toward me.
"Let us leave the matter of the wish for later. If we spill everything now, the fun of the occasion will vanish, will it not? This is a wager for amusement, after all."
"True. A wager for amusement."
"But Sir Parmas, are you not a knight of unmatched excellence? The terms seem rather unfair to me, so I would ask for a small advantage. That would make the wager all the more entertaining, would it not?"
"An advantage?"
Shhk—.
I spread my hand and showed Parmas five fingers.
Seeing that, Parmas narrowed his eyes.
"Five head? You want me to add the weight of five animals to your total?"
"No. Five tons. Grant me a five-ton advantage."
I declared it boldly.
The people around us erupted in murmurs.
"…No, five tons is a bit much, isn't it?"
"Right? And he demands it so brazenly. Lady Psyche's husband really is something else."
"You need that kind of nerve and thick skin to become a count's son-in-law."
Hearing the stir around him, Parmas—for the first time since his rejuvenation—looked flustered and scratched the bridge of his nose.
"…Five tons is the weight of fifty wild boars, is it not? No matter how little confidence you have, must you go that far?"
"The one lacking confidence is you, Sir Parmas, is it not? Are you so unsure of victory that giving me a five-ton advantage feels impossible to overcome? I am a man who has never once held a sword in his life. To demand a fair contest from someone like me—have some shame!"
I've never even been hunting.
Meanwhile you, Parmas, have spent more than fifty years swinging a blade.
"Five tons. Compared to your years of experience, skill, and ability, I actually thought the figure was insultingly low—but it seems I overestimated you."
"No, even so, five tons is…"
"Are you afraid of me?"
I puffed out my chest and asked.
"What? What did you just say?"
Parmas scowled.
His face looked ready to spit, This little shit—.
He looked as if he might draw his sword and swing it at any second.
"Very well. Then I shall reduce it to one ton. Sir Parmas, I will take only a one-ton advantage. I had forgotten you were a half-dead old man."
One ton.
I was being generous.
Whether it's one ton or five, you still can't beat me.
As I thought that, Milione clicked her tongue.
"This Hyde bastard—one way or another he's still chaining Parmas down, so why is he so shameless about it? Truly thick-faced. In more ways than one, what a man."
"Sir Parmas, do you dislike even one ton? If you lack confidence, I am perfectly content not to wager at all. We can simply leisurely catch a few rabbits."
If you don't like it, don't do it—.
I grinned at Parmas—hee hee—.
Parmas trembled, then finally roared,
"Two tons! I will give you two tons! And do not try to take it back later! Once the hunt begins, I will not stop no matter what objection you raise!"
"Very well. Did everyone hear? I, Hyde, have been granted two tons!"
Two tons.
I had already bagged the equivalent of twenty wild boars before the hunt even started.
My hunting skill really is fucking incredible.
Doesn't this make me a born hunter?
Psyche picked up a wooden stick.
"Then the hunt begins the moment this stick I throw into the air hits the ground. And the time limit is until six o'clock this afternoon, when the sun sets."
Shhk—.
Psyche gripped the wooden stick.
She looked at me with anxious eyes, then finally threw it—
and the instant the stick struck the ground, Parmas flung the dagger in his hand.
Whish—!
A rabbit hidden in the brush was struck dead by the blade.
"Hyde. No complaints."
Parmas picked up the rabbit and drew his dagger free.
Less than five seconds in and he had already claimed one kilogram.
But it did not matter in the slightest.
Hoo—.
I drew in a great breath, just as I had during last night's stretching.
And I roared.
"AAAAAAAAAAAH—!!!"
I prided myself on lung capacity large enough to deliver a sermon without a microphone before a crowd of thirty thousand.
When I bellowed at full volume, the fairy forest trembled and every bird in it took to the sky!
Flutter, flutter—!
At the same time, every rabbit and deer hiding in the brush fled for their lives.
Watching them go, Parmas looked stunned.
"You—surely not—"
You stupid old man.
Only just figured it out?
I had no need to hunt anything at all.
All I had to do was interfere with you, Parmas.
This wager was already lost for you from the moment it began.
Shhk—.
I seized a torch and shouted,
"Soldiers! Beat the drums and gongs!"
At my command, the Agarpe soldiers began pounding the drums and gongs they held.
A tremendous racket filled the air, and the animals kept fleeing.
Watching the spectacle, Doban finally could not hold back his laughter.
"Driving the game away instead of hunting it! In all my life I have never seen such a ridiculous hunt!"
Don't act so shocked over this much.
If it comes to it, I'll set this whole forest on fire.
Of course, the Forest of Stars was something like a sacred ground to House Agarpe, so I kept that particular thought to myself.