79. A Meaningful Day, a Meaningless Day
79. A Meaningful Day, a Meaningless Day
***
Is there anyone who thinks through how each day passed, moment by moment?
A day.
Twenty-four hours, in terms of time.
Half of that, twelve hours,
then half of that, six hours,
and there are people who keep going down until they reach thirty minutes, meticulously planning even as they keep splitting the units of time smaller and smaller.
Because time chases them, and because time is so important and precious to them.
People who cannot let even a brief moment pass wastefully.
People like that are sometimes described as living diligently.
People who try to fill each day fully and meaningfully, so that not even a single minute is meaningless.
People who live hard for their own sake, even if no one else acknowledges it.
And then there are also people who tell those people to take a break for a while.
[A video for those who suddenly came into a lot of money or have no room to breathe]
That was the title of the NewTube video Serin was watching now.
—I've counseled quite a lot of people who won the lottery or suddenly came into a large sum of money. And do you know what those people change first after getting that money? Ironically, it isn't material things like a car, a house, or an expensive bag that they'd always wanted. It's people.
—People they'd normally trusted, relied on, or followed. Once they win the lottery or suddenly come into a lot of money, they can't even trust those people anymore, so they try to replace everyone they knew. They fall into a distrust of people, wondering when someone they've known will betray them, or whether even the smallest action is aimed at their money, and they can't treat them the way they used to.
—So parents and children cut ties, and even between friends, or lovers, or spouses, they can't trust each other anymore and gradually grow distant. There are many people who can't even trust them while they're sleeping. Among people who've come into a lot of money, there are actually a great many who suffer from insomnia.
The words of the psychological counselor flowing from the video on the screen.
A woman with pure white silver hair simply stared blankly at a NewTube video she had ended up watching through some unknowable algorithm.
The last day of her forced vacation after being suspended from tweetie. She'd been spending the time just checking videos and communities, and she'd started wondering if that was okay, or if she should just let herself zone out, when she happened to watch a NewTube video.
I didn't understand why I was watching this video now, or why I was staring at it as if spellbound, but every word the counselor said seemed to lodge itself in my ears.
Maybe the counselor was just good with words.
"Interesting."
After washing up, Serin had been sitting in front of her PC for nearly six hours, looking at communities and NewTube videos, and she felt a pointless pang of guilt.
Because when they talked about someone who'd suddenly become rich, it sounded exactly like me, and even the phrase 'distrust of people' seemed to overlap with me.
—And the people who grew distant from their acquaintances and family. What's left for them? A sense of security, because they no longer have to worry? The happiness of having become rich? The countless people I've counseled did feel all of that. Yes, at first everyone felt a brief happiness, like relief. But many of the people I counseled began to feel that all of it was strangely hollow. The empty space left by the people who'd grown distant through distrust. From that comes a great loneliness. And what enters that space where loneliness has settled is......
But the counselor's words that followed felt like they should resonate, yet they didn't quite reach her, as if blocked by a small wall.
"...Family and acquaintances, huh."
As she muttered blankly, the people who immediately came to mind were her younger sister Seoyun, and Sua.
Right now, just those two.
Then suddenly she thought of her editors, Park Soyul and Kim Hayoon.
She'd never even met either of them in person, but they were still people she was in contact with now.
It made her realize all over again just how small her social circle was.
'A hollow feeling from distancing yourself from someone close...'
Did I ever even have the time to feel something like that?
She'd fallen into this world and simply lived as if going with the flow. When she was busy, she hadn't noticed, but now that she had a brief moment of free time, a video she'd happened to watch had stirred up pointless thoughts.
Herself, existing here like some unknowable god's prank.
When her thoughts reached that point—
"Ah, I'm craving a drink."
The words just slipped out.
Maybe because she'd drunk for the first time in a while yesterday, thoughts of alcohol now came to her naturally.
Then she soon pushed the thought of drinking away.
She'd already been through far too much to wallow in gloom or cling to the past.
In the world called Black Ark.
In that long stretch of years, she didn't even know how many, she'd already done more than enough agonizing in that world.
So she didn't want to start wallowing in self-pity now.
"Well, so what if I do nothing?"
She said it and leaned back for no reason.
She sank her body into the soft chair and thought blankly.
She simply accepted the thoughts that drifted up, just as they came.
When the empty space left by the younger sister who should have existed came to mind, rather than trying to turn away from that hollowness, she just thought, I guess that's how it is, and felt it outright.
So that she could recall the memories instead, thinking, there was someone like that.
Even if she tried to forget or erase it pointlessly, it couldn't be undone anyway.
If anything, later on those emotions would pile up and pile up until they festered and burst.
Back in the world of Black Ark, while she was progressing through a quest, there'd been a time when a change in her emotions made her kill someone, and the quest itself went off track.
Someone had kept pestering me, so I just killed them. Back then, I had no idea that would become the spark that led me to kill dozens more.
"I really did kill a lot."
In that world I couldn't distinguish from reality, I really had lived however I pleased.
Then I remembered my early self, who'd spent entire days gripping and swinging a Crescent-Moon Weight, claiming I was going to train a skill.
"..."
She blankly raised her arms above her shoulders and stretched.
Her stiff body felt briefly refreshed.
She lifted her head like that, stared blankly at the ceiling of the room, and let out a small laugh.
"Still... it's comfortable here."
Living just as things flowed, without any particular worries.
When I was busy, I was busy; when I was free like today, I was free. That was who I was now, and I wondered if that was really so bad.
'Does life have to be busy?'
Trying too hard to live each day diligently would eventually wear a person out if done every day.
There were people who said all sorts of things, like in the video she'd just watched, and there were people who told others to rest, that they didn't have to do anything. And conversely, there were also people who endlessly told others to do something, to make an effort.
In the end, she thought it just came down to differences in the person feeling it.
When you want to make an effort, you end up finding videos that tell you to make an effort, and when you want to rest or be comforted, you end up watching videos like that instead.
That was what she thought.
And maybe because she'd decided to take the whole day off today, she had an unusual number of stray thoughts.
She wondered if it was because she'd been living fairly busily over the past few days, and she laughed for no reason.
In the past, there'd been times in the game world when I'd split time into minutes and tried to spend it as efficiently as possible.
Because she'd been wholly absorbed in one thing: growing stronger. As if her own real-time growth was itself the driving force.
Then, once she'd built up a certain level of skill and had some breathing room just to survive, her next goal was to grow stronger. Her goal was to become stronger than anyone else.
Her gaze suddenly went to the Arena World capsule.
A faint but palpable sense of omnipotence.
The pleasure felt from simply stabbing or striking something.
And then there was me, intoxicated by simply moving, as if possessed by it.
She was aware of it, but she thought, so what?
In reality, there was no real chance of it causing problems, and no great inconvenience in her daily life.
Inside Another World, she sometimes acted beyond what she intended, but in the end it was just a game.
Sometimes it even felt better because it was a game.
The fact that she could face an opponent she'd fought once again.
Because that meant she could feel the fun of a duel again.
"...Still, I guess I should say I'm glad Another World exists."
My reflection appeared in the large full-length mirror in the room.
The appearance of someone who'd lost the power she once had and become an ordinary person.
"Why don't I get a status window or something?"
In novels and such, when someone gets sent to another world, they usually give them a system like a status window so they can live well.
But they'd taken away all the items I'd fought so hard to obtain, and all I got for the billions of silver coins I'd earned was their converted cash value. It felt unfair.
In Black Ark, billions of silver coins was enough money to put even a tycoon to shame many times over.
"Ah. So I was moping after all."
She muttered that while looking in the mirror and forced herself up.
When the stray thoughts piled up like this, she ultimately had to move her body.
Then her eyes landed on Sua in her contacts.
The only acquaintance I could meet right now.
The female streamer who showered me with affection as if giving me everything.
[Sua, can't you take today off from streaming?]
So I ended up sending a message that had no chance of working.
She wondered what she was doing, messaging someone who clearly had a schedule.
But when the notification rang immediately, her gaze went to it before she knew it.
Yoon Sua.
[Serin, why all of a sudden?]
Me.
[No reason. Just thought we could grab a drink together]
Because if there's someone who responds even to meaningless muttering, it becomes a conversation.
Yoon Sua.
[?? Serin, did something happen all of a sudden? Where do you want to meet? Just say the word. I'll come find you right away]
She let out a small laugh at Sua's forceful message.