72. Sleepiness vs Appetite
72. Sleepiness vs Appetite
***
After getting Sua's call, I stopped writing and focused on talking with her.
Sua had been streaming far longer than me, so I figured she'd know how to handle something like this.
But contrary to my expectations, Sua's attitude actually caught me off guard.
The tweetie suspension, the gore mode, the 19+ setting. The more I explained those things to Sua, the more she mulled them over, and she raised her voice insisting it wasn't nearly enough to warrant a suspension—which left me the flustered one.
I was the one who'd been suspended and I understood it, but Sua seemed unable to.
She went beyond just giving me a contact at tweetie—she said she'd personally talk to someone there herself, and I had no choice but to stop her.
—No, given where you stand now, how can they suspend you over something like that? They should at least give you a warning first. This was an immediate suspension.
Sua's incredulous voice made me, the one answering, feel flustered.
"Well, I mean... at the end of the email it said there were quite a lot of people who reported the stream. Looking back now, I think I was too complacent."
The brutality of gore mode—whether that was suitable for a stream—honestly, I could have figured that out with just a little thought, but my schedule had been so hectic lately that I hadn't paid proper attention.
On top of that, if I'd done either the 19+ setting or turned off gore mode, I probably wouldn't have been suspended. Thinking back to that scene, it really had been brutal.
From the fountain of blood that sprayed out the moment I retrieved the weight that had pierced the dwarf's head, to dwarf corpses with severed limbs and exposed organs, to crushed chunks of flesh scattered across the floor at the end—it was far beyond merely being unappetizing.
—Well... I mean, if you're okay with it, there's nothing I can do. But still, a suspension doesn't sit right with me. Who knows what might happen later—it's better not to have even one suspension on your record.
Sua's voice was thick with obvious displeasure.
The feeling that she cared more about my stream than I did made something in my chest tingle.
It felt like watching someone get angry on my behalf when I myself was fine.
That strange emotion made me feel awkward for no reason, so I opened my mouth.
"And... honestly, I also want to take tomorrow off anyway. I can just think of it as taking two full days off while I'm at it, and I've been thinking I need to be more careful going forward too."
I really did want to rest right away. My body wasn't what it used to be—it was frail, and with so many things suddenly demanding my attention, it felt like the strain was piling up. Besides, the suspension period wasn't even that long.
It did bother me a little that a future suspension would be longer than two days, but other than that, there were no actual penalties on the streaming side.
"Sua, aren't you streaming right now? How did you find out about my stream and contact me like this? Is it okay to leave your mic off for this long?"
Our streaming times definitely overlapped, so there shouldn't have been any way for her to check.
With the call already past ten minutes, I wondered if it was okay to keep dragging it out like this.
Seeing her worry about me had made me unconsciously start worrying about her stream too.
—Actually, I think your viewers were pretty shocked that the stream went down. They said you're not the type to end without a stream-end message. I saw several people in my chat worrying about it like that. So I got worried too and reached out. And don't worry about my stream—I put on some music while I talk to you.
The word "worried" subtly made my chest tingle again, but more than that, what caught my attention was that viewers had been chatting in Sua's room.
"Sua, my viewers asked about me in your stream?"
No matter what, going to Sua's stream to ask that was ridiculous.
'Seriously, chatting about that in Sua's stream is just being a nuisance.'
I'd felt it over the past few days of streaming—viewers who chatted about topics unrelated to the stream were annoying in and of themselves.
Even if Sua and I were close, asking about me in her stream felt out of line.
So I felt sorry for no reason and added,
"Next time I'll tell them not to chat about me in other streamers' streams. I had no idea they were doing that even in your stream, Sua."
—Hey, I don't really mind. And if you think about it, they probably said that because you and I seem close. Though if your viewers are chatting like that in other streams too, it might become a bit of a problem. Saying 'manage your viewers' sounds a little weird, but whether it actually works or not, you should tell your viewers in advance not to do that so it doesn't become an issue later.
That it wasn't me but my viewers who could become the problem.
That felt like a new perspective, but thinking about it, it really could happen.
My own viewers asking about me in Sua's stream—just thinking about it made them feel like toxic viewers.
—Ah, and after my stream ends today, I'll at least say something to someone at tweetie. I can't do anything about the suspension itself, but I'll at least ask them to give a warning first next time.
"No... you really don't have to go that far."
I answered hastily.
They say when kindness continues, you start taking it for granted—but strangely, I was the opposite.
My conscience prickled too much to simply accept Sua's repeated kindness as a given. From my position of being picky about people, Sua was already not someone I could treat casually.
—No, I want you to just accept it. Honestly, I did kind of push you into becoming a streamer, didn't I? So if I'm going to help, I want to help properly. So please don't feel too burdened, Serin.
'...Just how far does this girl's thinking go?'
The claim that Sua had pushed me into becoming a streamer.
It sounded like she felt responsible for it.
I never imagined Sua was even thinking about it like that.
......
After that, the endless call with Sua came to an abrupt end when I coughed in the middle of it.
—Ah, Serin. I kept you too long, didn't I? Sorry, you must be tired. Get some good rest, then.
Click.
When the long call with Sua—a full thirty minutes—finally ended.
I set my smartphone down blankly and leaned back against the chair.
"...Hoo."
I let out a small breath and blankly swept back my snow-white hair.
I ran my fingers through my hair out of habit, trying to empty my head.
As the things to think about multiplied, fatigue had multiplied in proportion and taken hold of my body long ago.
If I slept now, I felt like I'd sleep like the dead.
"Why is my body... such garbage, seriously."
I was feeling it again—this trash body was definitely below average.
Between exercising and streaming, and now trying to pay attention to even more things on top of that, my body seemed to be crying out in exhaustion at a rapid pace. Right now, I couldn't even string thoughts together properly, as if I'd overloaded.
Then I blankly stared at the screen that came into view.
Against the pure white background, black lines were scattered here and there.
"...I do need to finish writing it."
The half-written post—the one I'd been writing to put up on the community, cut off by the call with Sua—came into view.
I'd just heard Sua say she didn't really recommend writing a community post, but honestly, I'd already written it almost to the end, and there was nowhere else to explain the reason for my suspension besides this site.
I'd firmly refused her offer to explain it herself on stream.
Because having Sua explain the circumstances of my suspension would, if you thought about it, look ridiculous.
It would feel like I was dumping my own responsibilities onto Sua, a big-name streamer. And knowing Sua, who cared about me more than I expected, she'd obviously try to spin it in my favor.
That the suspension was unfair, that it was too harsh, etc. I found myself shaking my head without realizing it, as if I could already hear Sua's voice.
The alternative was to just go quiet now and explain everything on stream two days later.
Of course, that option existed too, but if I were a viewer.
"...It probably wouldn't look great."
I definitely hadn't started streaming with that much meaning attached to it, but as the days passed and I kept being a streamer, I was finding it fun.
So I didn't want to deliberately make my viewers dislike me.
I had no intention of treating viewers like royalty, but I also didn't want to treat them carelessly like they were nobodies.
Tap-tap-tap.
So in the end, after thinking it over, I forced my tired body up and started finishing the post.
*
————
— [This is Streamer Rin.]
Author: Rin (0238)
(tweetie Rin account verification screenshot)
-I'm writing this post to explain why my stream suddenly ended today and to let you know about the two-day suspension...
Since there was nowhere else suitable to share this news, I thought this community, where my name comes up a lot, would be the best place to post.
......
————
*
A statement written as my thoughts flowed.
No—a post announcing the tweetie suspension.
Honestly, I didn't even know what to call it, but I wrote it out and pressed enter at the end.
Tap.
The moment I confirmed my post had been uploaded to the community, I moved straight on to the next thing—opening my email to finish the last item on today's schedule.
The two people who'd passed the final round as NewTube editors today: Park Soyul and Kim Hayoon. Sending them the editor contract form email I'd gotten from Sua earlier—that was the final task of this long day.
I attached the contract form file to each email and typed a short congratulatory message below it.
First, Park Soyul, who'd taken first place in the first vote. She was an experienced NewTube editor—at the relatively young age of 24, she had experience working as an editor for a NewTube channel with a million subscribers.
Someone whose clean editing skills and flawlessly polished videos stood out.
—I really liked your clean editing. Congratulations on first place in the first vote. I'm so happy we'll be working together.
Rather than a long message, I left a short note expressing my personal impression and anticipation for the future, then moved on without pressing send.
Next, Kim Hayoon, who'd taken first place in the second vote. A 27-year-old woman, and the only one among the eleven editor candidates I'd ultimately selected who had no prior experience.
Honestly, I hadn't expected her to win the viewers' vote too, so when the person I'd picked based on my personal taste took first place, I was a little surprised.
The video's individuality, the effort, the intro voice recording—several things stood out, but... honestly, what drew my attention to her video was something else.
—Kim Hayoon, I could see tremendous effort in your video today. Congratulations on first place in the second vote. I look forward to working with you.
You could literally see the "effort" in her video. More than in the videos made by editors with experience, even... I found that fascinating.
In a period of not even two full days, I couldn't even begin to guess how much effort Kim Hayoon had put in.
After typing a congratulatory message to Kim Hayoon as well, I quickly reviewed both emails, checking for any problems or anything unusual.
These two were people I'd be working with going forward, and this could be considered their first impression of me.
No matter how tired I was, my eyes kept closing throughout that final check, and the strength kept draining from the hand holding the mouse—but in the end, I managed to finish all the checks.
With my mind half-asleep, I finished checking and sent the emails.
Click.
Click.
"..."
After that, I shut down the computer and slowly got up.
I shook my head blankly and walked like a zombie. My snow-white silver hair kept blurring my vision, but I didn't care.
No—I didn't have the energy to care.
"Haa..."
I just didn't want to think about anything.
I was so tired I wanted to bury myself in bed. So I decided I wouldn't do anything at all tomorrow.
And I put that thought into action.
Flump.
My body sank deep into the soft bed.
The utterly blissful comfort wrapping around me.
Just how expensive did blankets and a bed have to be to give this supreme softness? I wondered blankly, rubbing my face against the soft blanket.
Like that, blankly feeling the blanket's texture enveloping me, I felt myself about to drift off to sleep.
—Growl.
But the sound that came at that moment stopped it, if only briefly.
"Ha..."
I let out a small sound and laughed blankly.
Only now did I realize.
That I hadn't eaten a single meal today.
Sleep drive and appetite.
The two desires seemed to clash, creating conflict within me.
But the battle between sleep drive and appetite was settled all too quickly.
"......"
With the sound of soft, even breathing.