113. I Think I'm Going to Die of Embarrassment...
113. I Think I'm Going to Die of Embarrassment...
***
Serin only realized it after she'd already said it.
'Ah.'
Just how strange the thing she'd just said was.
No, why had she said something like that? Even she couldn't understand it.
- You're... only supposed to look at me. Okay?
- For now, just look at me.
- Because I'm still only looking at all of you.
The words she'd just spoken kept swirling through her head, surfacing over and over, and for a moment she felt like her mind had simply gone blank.
—Ding-ding-ding-ding!!!!
『Yoo Eunha donated 3,000,000 won!!』
《What was that expression and tone just now, Rin...? What on earth was that!?》
"...Ah."
I stared blankly at the donation, then hurriedly manipulated the hologram and shut off the cam feed entirely.
Then I hastily turned the screen toward some random part of the Colosseum and hid behind a large rock obstacle, as if I could disappear anywhere at all.
"..."
Shame and embarrassment surged all the way up my throat, leaving me unable to speak properly.
—Ding!
—Ding!
—Ding!
I didn't want to see anyone's reaction at all, so I minimized the chat hologram too.
With donation alerts ringing one after another, I was seized by the urge to end the stream right then and there. But with donations pouring in like this, I couldn't just end it.
"Haa."
I buried my face in my hands and let out a deep sigh.
Had I lost my mind for a moment?
'Why. Did I... say something so embarrassing.'
The more I thought about it, the more helpless sighs escaped me.
"Augh..."
I roughly mussed my hair for no reason, my hands and feet twitching.
I lifted the Crescent-Moon Weight, which at least felt slightly cool, and pressed it to my cheek.
I tried to calm myself with that faint chill.
'Why on earth...'
Why did I do that.
When I thought about why, several possibilities came to mind.
Had I gotten upset for a moment because I saw the chat being flooded with talk about Jeanne d'Arc?
Was it because I remembered the last time chat filled up with some other topic?
Looking back at why I'd said it, several things bothered me, but I still couldn't accept that I'd blurted out something so insane over something that trivial.
"...Hoo."
I let out a quiet sigh and suddenly thought internet streaming was seriously harmful.
Had I gotten used to viewers' attention without even realizing it? Somewhere along the way, I'd started craving it.
Even the smallest actions I took while conscious of the stream, even the things I said—I had been doing all of it, without realizing it, to get the viewers' attention.
I kept rubbing my face, wondering what I was supposed to say.
—Ding!
—Ding!
With the donation alerts still ringing behind me, I was busy thinking up an excuse.
Then one idea came to me.
'Reaction.'
Right. I'd just say I was practicing reactions or something.
Eunha had donated so much over the course of the day... I'd wanted to repay her somehow, so I'd tried doing a reaction... yeah. Something like that.
'...'
I bit my lip, then let out a hollow laugh at how ridiculous it was.
I knew all of it was nothing more than self-justification, but if I didn't cling to even that much, I couldn't bear the shame swelling through my whole body.
I still couldn't bring myself to look at the minimized chat window, so I quietly opened the donation history instead.
『Yoo Eunha donated 3,000,000 won!!』
《What on earth was that expression and tone just now, Rin...? What on earth was it...!?》
『Ryohwa donated 50,000 won!!』
《?????????》
『1il donated 50,000 won!!』
《Is this what people call unexpected charm or something??》
『 rain8694 donated 100,000 won!!』
《On...ly... Rin... on...ly...》
I looked at only a few donation messages, but even those were too much to bear, so I closed the window.
Then, while wondering how I was going to get through this, I thought of one solution.
I couldn't turn off the stream, but maybe I'd feel a little better if I at least turned off the version of me shown in Another World.
I'd have to speak somehow if I wanted to keep the stream going, and if I stayed logged into Another World, it would be even stranger not to show my character.
So I figured I could just return to reality, where I didn't use a cam at all.
"...Logging out."
With those words, my vision faded familiarly to black.
————————
......
"..."
Serin, biting down hard on her bright red lips, leaned back against the capsule with her face buried in both hands.
Once she logged out, the shame actually felt even greater, and her whole face heated up as if it would burst, leaving her dazed.
She felt like she now understood better than ever what it meant to die of embarrassment.
No, if she had her way, she just wanted to die right then and there.
"...Fuck."
With her face flushed bright red, Serin cursed, then roughly grabbed her white hair and let it go, repeating the motion over and over.
From now on, she'd just... whether the viewers paid attention to someone else or not, whatever chaos happened, she'd just let it happen.
She thought she should let go of it a little, but the shame filling her entire body didn't easily fade.
'What am I doing.'
As she became aware of the reality that she was writhing in embarrassment, a hollow laugh escaped her for no reason.
"Ha..."
But that was only for a moment. Soon, Serin raised herself up from the capsule.
As she did, her thoroughly disheveled white-silver hair fell this way and that, covering her body.
Trudge, trudge.
Walking with weak steps like a loser, Serin headed toward the desktop where the stream was still on, repeatedly pulling herself together.
It was just... a stream comment.
She was a streamer, so she could say something like that.
If other streamers thought of it as just a donation-thanks comment, it wasn't that big a deal.
She soothed herself like that. By forcing herself to rationalize it, the shame that had filled her whole body seemed to lessen, just a little, bit by bit.
And right now, she was live, so she had to say something.
The monitor screen right in front of her—when she saw the chat window on the screen scrolling up so terrifyingly fast, she deliberately unfocused her eyes. Because she didn't want to see the chat.
"Ah... um."
She carefully leaned toward the mic and opened her mouth, but for a moment even her voice trembled.
"That just now was a reaction... I-I said it because I was trying to do something like that."
***
[How rich is that whale...?]
[Ten million won in donations in one day, that's seriously insane...]
[But honestly, that just now was worth donating for lololol]
[For real, if I had money I'd have donated too]
[What was that with Rin just now, seriously?]
[I wasn't even thinking about it and then she suddenly said that, my mind went blank lololololol]
[Why do you watch female streamers lololololol]
[No but what's with blocking clips from being made]
Eunha watched the chat window scrolling up quickly, then looked back at the stream screen, but the screen still only showed the empty Colosseum.
Serin was nowhere to be seen.
"Is she embarrassed?"
Eunha smiled lightly and deduced the situation.
The amount she'd donated just now.
She hadn't even received a thank-you for the huge donation of three million won, but even so, Eunha felt strangely satisfied.
"Serin's expression at the end was really cute..."
Even the way she'd blinked blankly as if belatedly realizing what she'd just said, then frantically turned off the cam—it was all quite striking.
Someone who really didn't seem like they'd do that suddenly saying something like that—it was so unexpected that even Eunha had found herself staring as if spellbound for a moment.
On top of that, since she knew that Rin's appearance in Another World was Serin herself, even those actions looked more immersive.
As she was thinking that, Eunha suddenly opened her mouth as if puzzled.
"Huh?"
Suddenly, the Another World feed on the stream screen turned off.
Along with a message saying there was no connected signal, the stream went dark and then switched to a basic background screen. For a moment, Eunha thought Serin had ended the stream.
After that, only calm background music played, and the chat was burning with all sorts of messages—why did she suddenly turn off the game, at least let us hear your voice, play Another World a little longer, and so on.
Eunha, who had started watching internet broadcasts for the first time through Serin's stream, was gradually adapting to this thing called 'streaming culture.'
She knew that although the chat looked serious at a glance, it was really just viewers overreacting.
On top of that, small donations kept bursting out one after another, and the chat was full of talk about what Serin had just done. Reading those donation messages was also pretty entertaining in its own way.
『RinUnnieIsMine donated 50,000 won!!』
《Rin... do you really want to see me go crazy?》
『Fwaksryeon donated 50,000 won!!』
《No but saying something like that and then suddenly turning off the in-game cam and the game too lololololol》
『ObsessiveStreamer? donated 50,000 won!!』
《Obsessive... actually, I like it!!!》
『HeueungUnnie donated 50,000 won!!』
《'Because I'm still only looking at all of you'》
『WhatIsThatComment... donated 50,000 won!!』
《'You're only looking at me, right? You understand, right?' What is that comment?》
As she watched the chat and donation windows scrolling up like that, Eunha, who had been picking at her dessert, calmly waited for Serin's voice to come through.
And finally.
—Ah... um.
When Serin's hesitant voice came through, Eunha listened closely.
—That just now was a reaction... I-I said it because I was trying to do something like that.
"Pfft..."
Just hearing Serin's voice, she could tell she was utterly embarrassed, and it made her laugh.
How embarrassed must she be for even her voice to tremble like that? She couldn't help but imagine what she looked like in reality.
Probably, between strands of white-silver hair, her distinctive face flushed red, her hands and feet twitching for no reason...
—Ding-ding-ding-ding!!!!
『Plea donated 1,500,000 won!!』
《Rin, you promised you'd only say things like that to me...! What's with you getting your viewers all worked up like this!?》
Eunha looked at the donation filling the screen and smiled lightly.
"She's... closer to Serin than I thought, isn't she?"