The Weight of Secrets
From my childhood up until this very moment, sitting here in the infirmary with a blank expression, there are few things I truly dislike. One of them, I suppose, would be having conversations with men. To be precise, it’s not that I feel a sense of revulsion, but rather that I simply don’t enjoy it. There’s no benefit to dragging out a conversation, and it only leaves me feeling exhausted from the effort of speaking, so I’ve never found it particularly interesting.
"It’s fascinating. So this is what it feels like~"
"…."
"Something warm is, like, poking inside me?"
"…."
"It hurt a bit when you first grabbed my wrist, but I think it’s already getting better?"
"…."
I think I heard his name once before. Or maybe I just saw his face in passing. Regardless, unlike me, this man seemed to thoroughly enjoy chatting with his own gender. Seeing him act like this while I sat there in silence, performing the treatment without a single word of response, made the claim that he "didn't enjoy it" seem even more absurd. …Ah, I wish he would just be like the other boys and receive his treatment quietly before leaving. But I couldn't exactly tell him to shut his mouth. If I responded with something useless, it was obvious the conversation would only drag on longer… In the end, the best strategy was to ignore him until the treatment was finished. Since it wouldn't take more than a minute anyway, I swallowed a sigh and continued the treatment in silence, no matter what the man in front of me said.
"Oh, I read that 'Special Admission' document the other day because of the senior's orders? Seo…. Teacher Seo Woojin? Hmm. I can't really see your name tag. It's covered."
"…."
"At first, I didn't care, but then I got curious about how much salary you'd have to pay to keep a Healing-type transcendental as an infirmary teacher, so I read the whole thing."
"…."
"You’re younger than you look, aren't you? I thought you were maybe 23 or 24, but you’re only 20? Is it because of your styling?"
"…."
"Besides, you aren't even a teacher to begin with, you're a Health Committee Member, right? Your position is weird, too."
"…."
"Anyway, what I was most curious about was the salary, but it just said it was handled as a full scholarship…."
"Excuse me."
Could this guy be a spy like Baek Seoyeon? That thought vanished as quickly as it had come. As I lifted my head and spoke quietly, I made eye contact with the face that had been smiling just a moment ago. Small face. Large, clear eyes, nose, and lips. He was what you’d call an "idol type." Since I’m a man, I can’t be certain, but he was probably the type that women would quite like. Feeling a strange sense of irritation, I continued.
"So, are you curious about how much my salary is?"
"Ah, I didn't mean it like that. Well, it would be nice if you told me. Does it really reach the hundreds of millions? I saw some rumors online about the market value of Healing-types, and it was insane. American billionaires pay tens of billions a year and from all over the world…."
"What do you mean 'you didn't mean it like that'? You said from the start that you read it because you were curious about the salary."
"Ayy. That was just a joke. A joke. Why are you taking it so seriously?"
"…What is the reason for making such a joke?"
"What reason is there for a joke? If I had to find one, it’s just to break the ice. You’ve heard of that, right?"
Is this what they call the "insider's" way of talking? To me, he just seems like a jerk. Or perhaps it’s closer to the way a socially awkward outsider speaks without reading the room. I narrowed my brows slightly as I met his gaze for a moment. *Huu*, I let out a small sigh and lowered my head. This person just doesn't click with me. There’s no point in trying to force myself to get used to him, and there’s no reason I should have to. Seeing him hanging around Baek Seoyeon, if he isn't a spy, they’re probably friends or something….
"It reaches the hundreds of millions. Are you satisfied now?"
"Whoa…. Then I guess that all comes out of Mr. Seok Jae-hwa’s pocket. The costs haven't increased that much compared to last year, though. He really does have a lot of money."
"It’s almost finished, so could you just stay still?"
"Yep, yep. It doesn't hurt anymore, so I thought it was over."
That woman. She certainly has a uniquely terrible taste.
An achievement with no one to boast to doesn't bring a sense of pride; it only plunges one into misery. This is because humans are born with an inherent desire to be recognized by others. If you take out a foreign spy in a place where no one is watching, no one will ever know. Even if you obtain an item with a one-in-a-million drop rate during a game, if there’s no way to brag about it, no one will ever know. If you throw a plastic bottle without thinking and it lands perfectly upside down on the desk on your first try, no one will ever know unless you have a recording from the start. Of all the people in the world, only I know. I realized how incredibly painful that was due to a small incident.
It was because of a small, gossiping voice I heard next to me during a practical training class.
"Isn't it NTR? What's NTL?"
We were in the middle of a low-rise building rescue drill during a fire simulation… though that wasn't important. As I sat on the floor taking a break in my sweat-drenched gym clothes, I turned my head slightly to avoid making eye contact. Keeping up an indifferent attitude by fiddling with the zipper of my tracksuit, I carefully took in the voices coming from the corner.
"Hey, don't talk so loud, you idiot…! There are other people around. Look, Han Su-a or Lee Jiyoon…."
"My voice wasn't that loud. Don't make a fuss. They aren't even looking this way, are they? Anyway, isn't it NTR?"
"No. You only know NTR from those *Hitomi* tags, right?"
"*Hitomi*? I'm talking about the tags on adult videos, man."
"Ha, damn… you claim to know so much, but you don't know anything."
Exactly. That’s not "knowing" anything. It’s not even at the level of "knowing a little bit"; it’s completely at the level of an elementary school kid. But I couldn't exactly say anything to them directly; we weren't close. We hadn't exchanged a single word since enrollment, so at best, we were strangers. In the end, I just sat there hugging my knees, listening to their conversation.
"NTR is getting it taken away. NTL is taking it. You get it now?"
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"The target you empathize with is completely different, what are you talking about?"
"…Talking about empathy sounds like something a total nerd would say."
"If you got turned on by NTR, it’s probably NTL. Taking someone else's woman—it’s simple, but it’s hot."
"But honestly, I prefer…."
"……."
Overall, it was just a useless debate between guys about what was hotter, so to summarize: judging by the sheer volume of works and popularity polls, it’s NTR. And among those, NTL is the hottest. No, it’s not. Rape stories filled with a man’s primal instincts are the hottest… it was a truly classy conversation. The kind you’d only see on a boring internet community with no real content. Usually, I would have thought, "What a bunch of idiots," and looked at my phone, but today, for some reason, I couldn't.
Because… I actually did it yesterday, didn't I? Stealing my sister's boyfriend behind her back. *Sigh*. Idiots. Do they even know what they're talking about after actually doing it? NTL… it’s so damn hot. Comparing it to something like rape. It’s infuriating. That’s the kind of thing only Lee Hayoon would like.
"……."
But of course, I couldn't say a word. It was already funny enough that two boys were huddled in the corner debating what was hotter, but if a girl were to jump in? That would be social suicide. I want to live comfortably without wasting emotional energy, not live my life being looked at strangely by others. …Besides, even if I joined in and whispered, "…I tried it myself and NTL was way hotter…," what would I gain? Intense shame? They’d get a new piece of material to jerk off to for a day or two, and they’d start acting gross, trying to get another chance to talk about dirty things with me. Shame? …*Puhuhu*. Get lost. No way. I’m not some masochistic pervert. Who would do that?
Ugh, feeling a stifling frustration I couldn't voice, I hugged my knees tighter and eventually pulled my phone out of my pocket. When I opened KakaoTalk, all I saw were game ads, Kakao Pay, emojis, and insurance. Above that, my sister. Above that, Seo Woojin. I put aside my sister's message asking when I was finally coming home, and carefully sent a message to Seo Woojin.
I wanted to write "you idiot" instead, but I held back. I’m the one who let that idiot fill me up inside, so that would just make me the biggest idiot of all. …As soon as I sent the message to Seo Woojin, my heart started thumping. It felt like, I don't know, like I was in a secret relationship with him. Interpreting his words from last night, "Do you like me too?", in a way that suited my own desires, the chat screen pushed up.
He’s blunt. And yet, the way he subtly takes care of me makes me feel good. Actually, if you think about it, it’s the same feeling as the messages he usually sends. Why does it make my heart tickle so much today? Because he didn't deny being a pervert? Because he replied as soon as I sent the message? Because hearing "infirmary" made me picture Seo Woojin in his white coat?
"…*Hehe*."
…Crazy girl. Just a completely crazy girl. I’ve fallen for him hard, haven't I? Lee Jiyoon. I rubbed my face against my arms, which were resting on my knees, and continued the chat. That way, if my cheeks turned red, I could blame it on rubbing them against my arms.
11:20 AM. A very ambiguous time, just a bit before lunch. A perfect time to use the excuse of being sick to take a break. Brushing off my bottom, I stood up and walked toward the teacher in the corner, still in my gym clothes.
"Hayoon! Are you okay? You aren't hurt? …*Cough*…. The dust, ugh…."
"I'm alive…."
"Are you, *cough*, are you hurt badly?"
"…."
"Hayoon?"
"I sprained my pinky finger…."
"Hey, damn it… then stop whining and get out of here quickly…!"
"*Hehe*…. It feels good to be worried about…. I haven't had this kind of treatment lately because I haven't had any reason to get hurt…."
"I thought you were hurt badly because Yoo Siwoo was sulking about you hurting your wrist earlier…. You should go to the first-floor infirmary quickly, too."
"Okay…."