Chapter 17
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Translator: MadScientist
Chapter: 17
Chapter Title: Alexithymia
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Her eyes opened, and consciousness returned. What she saw was neither that beautiful blue sky nor the nauseating white ceiling.
"Ah."
Did I... fail? Why? I clearly climbed over the fence. Was even that an illusion?
"No..."
She looked around. An unfamiliar room. An antique space with an overall brown tone. Was this the afterlife? No, probably not. The IV needle stuck in her arm was proof that she was still alive.
Clunk.
As she tried to move, she realized both her hands were bound. Surprisingly, no particular thoughts came to mind. She was just curious. Who exactly had stopped her?
The situation was clear. The perfect opportunity had ended in failure. They wouldn't allow her on the rooftop again. How many days would she be tied up like this? Until she died?
Footsteps. Footsteps.
Calm footsteps approached from outside the door.
Knock knock.
[I'll come in.]
A familiar voice. The one she'd heard when she first lay in the sterile room. The psychiatry professor, if she remembered right.
"Hello, patient Seol A-yeon."
"..."
The psychiatry professor entered wearing a casual brown hoodie instead of a white coat. He looked much more approachable than the doctors in their stark white gowns. His actions, however, were another story.
"You came in right after I woke up, so you've been keeping an eye on me, haven't you?"
"..."
"Just one thing I want to ask, Doctor. Is there any reason I should keep living?"
She turned her gaze to the window. The curtains blocked the outside view. What a shame—that blue sky had been so nice.
"Whew—."
At her words, the psychiatry professor let out a sigh before opening the conversation with a firm tone.
"I don't know."
"..."
"You just live because you were born. Do you need a special reason? To be honest with you, patient—I've never seen a case like yours in twenty years as a doctor."
"...Yes."
"You won't get any answers from me. Honestly, there's no reason you have to live. None of us chose to be born, after all."
"Right?"
"But there's no reason you have to die, either, is there?"
"...No reason to die?"
"Your mother just mistook things because she's been so ill. It was nothing more than an accident. She told me to pass on how sorry she is and that she really wants to apologize to you."
"Yeah? If she wants to do that, she should come see me herself. Why'd she send you instead, Professor?"
"She's watching from outside."
"Ah, is her body feeling better now?"
"I understand she could be discharged next week."
"...I see. Earlier, you said there's no reason I have to die. So can't I just die if I want to?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to."
"...Ha?"
"I'm a psychiatry professor. But before that, I'm a doctor. Isn't it natural for a doctor not to want to lose a patient?"
"That's forced."
"You forced it first. So I'm forcing it a little too."
The professor grinned broadly, as if he found something hilarious. It was absurd. Absurd enough that, strangely, her mind felt a bit lighter.
"You're still young, patient. You should try everything you want to do and live without regrets before you die."
"What if there's nothing I want to try?"
"Then find something. It's not that hard."
"You say it so easily."
"My life's work has been learning to talk easily with people. Makes me pretty easygoing, right?"
"...Yes."
Their conversation flowed peacefully. As expected from a psychiatry professor, it never hit any awkward pauses. The professor, who had been carefully observing her condition, hesitated for a moment before bringing up her mother.
"Would it be okay to hear your mother's voice? You've been out for two days. She's been waiting the whole time, wanting to apologize."
"..."
That memory resurfaced. Her hand instinctively went to her throat, but her bound hands couldn't reach. Her mother's face as she strangled her appeared before her eyes. She knew it was an illusion created by delusion, but her body still shrank back naturally.
"If it's too hard, we can put it off a bit."
But she couldn't put it off forever. Not her mother, not her. After all, they were both still alive.
"...I'm not your son anymore. Is that okay?"
"What does it matter if you're a son or a daughter? It's all about raising them well."
"Do you have children?"
"Two of them."
"...Is Mom listening to this conversation right now?"
"Yes, she is."
"Seeing her face would be hard. But I'd like to hear her voice."
"All right. This isn't a sterile room, so there's no intercom. I'll call her on my phone. Okay?"
"Yes."
The professor pulled out his phone, tapped a few times, and the intro to a trot song her mother loved played before cutting off abruptly.
"Mother, can you hear me?"
[Yes...]
Why was she crying again? Their mom.
"Mother, say what you wanted to say."
[A-yeon... Can you hear me...?]
"Loud and clear. Why are you crying again?"
[No, Mom's not crying...]
"Not crying, my foot—you're crying."
[A-yeon, Mom's sorry. So, so sorry.]
"...Yeah."
[I went crazy. Just for a moment. Mom's sorry.]
"Don't be too sorry, Mom. I understand."
[This is shameless of me, but A-yeon... Can you forgive Mom...?]
"There's nothing to forgive. Has there ever been anything to forgive between us, Mom?"
[A-yeon...]
The conversation lasted a few minutes before ending. Professor Lee pocketed his phone, told her to rest, and left the room.
...Untie this first before you go.
/
"Doctor, is our child okay now?"
A-yeon's father, who had been listening to the conversation from outside, asked the professor. Professor Lee couldn't say a word. How was he supposed to explain this? His mind was a mess.
"Dad, she seems a bit better. Why do you need to check?"
Ha-yeon, watching from the side, tried to stop her father's unnecessary worrying, but Professor Lee felt they needed to face reality first.
"No, she's not okay at all."
"What?"
The family reacted with confusion, and even their mother stopped crying to join in.
"What do you mean...? Not okay...? She was talking just fine..."
Their mother spoke in a trembling voice, hoarse from all the recent crying. Professor Lee let out a deep sigh. No matter how he thought about it, this wasn't easy.
"Patient Seol A-yeon showed no changes in expression. Her voice was the same. Mother, didn't you feel any discomfort during that call just now?"
"Discomfort?"
"Yes, discomfort. When I first entered the room, what did she say?"
"Uh, something like... 'Are you watching me?' I think."
"That was a very aggressive statement, wasn't it? But what was her tone like? Take another look at the video. See if the patient expresses any emotion in her conversation with me or with you, mother—if her voice changes even a little."
With that, Professor Lee replayed the footage he'd just recorded. As the family watched the conversation, they finally felt that intense discomfort. There was nothing.
No emotion at all. It was as if not a person speaking, but a machine wearing a human mask.
"Even when the wording changes, there's no shift in expression or voice. When I asked how she was feeling, and she said 'I'm fine'... it looks like alexithymia. Last time, Head Kim mentioned she tried to smile when laughter came up but failed. That confirms it."
"Ah..."
The atmosphere plummeted sharply. The family sighed, but this wasn't the end. Though he hated to say it, Professor Lee continued out of pity.
"And the DID... You remember it, right? You saw her talking with that monk personality too."
"Yes... I remember."
"This is just a hypothesis at this stage, but... I suspect the other personalities may have taken her emotions."
"...Taken her emotions?"
"I've seen a case report on DID like that. Extremely rare, but in one case, severe trauma caused the personality to split, and the main personality lost all emotions. No matter how I look at it, the symptoms match that case perfectly."
"Then, if we integrate the personalities, she'll be okay?"
Ha-yeon asked in a trembling voice, and Professor Lee shook his head.
"I can't say for sure. DID itself is a rare disease with only about 350 reported cases worldwide, and Seol A-yeon's case isn't even typical... Haah..."
The mood sank heavily with Professor Lee's sigh. He bowed his head.
"...I'm sorry I can't offer any hopeful words."
"No, Professor. You've never seen a case like our child, who died and came back to life. Just doing your best to treat her, explaining it all to us like this—it's more than enough."
A-yeon's father bowed as well. Ha-yeon chimed in from the side.
"Yeah. No need to apologize. We're the ones who should be grateful. But Professor, why didn't any other personalities show up during that conversation?"
"Her emotions seem to be numbing more and more. They probably won't appear unless her mental state completely breaks down like before. The monk personality said a specific one only takes over when the main personality's intense emotions exceed their limit."
"...I see. Will her condition get worse if her emotions keep numbing?"
"It's ambiguous. Everything I just said is still just a hypothesis. I can't give a definite answer... But the hospital and I will do our absolute best. Family, it's about mealtime—why don't you go eat? For the time being... we'll keep her hands restrained. She has an IV in her arm right now."
"Ah, yes. Ha-yeon, take care of your mom. She hasn't eaten or slept properly for two days. Let's eat out today."
"...What right do I have to do that."
"Mom! We're supposed to be her support—if we collapse, what's she supposed to do? Come on! Dad, let's eat something tasty today. How about ribs?"
"Ribs sound good. You two head to the car first."
"Ha-yeon... Mom really has no appetite."
"I do. Just quietly follow me~"
Ha-yeon took her mother's hand and led her out of the ward first. Her father stayed behind to finish talking with Professor Lee.
"Has a donor turned up by any chance?"
"We'll keep trying. Let's hope for results after that video shoot I mentioned last time. Professor Hwang said she can hold on for half a year. We'll consult with the cardiology head on joint treatment."
"...Yes. Thank you always, Professor."
"No need. You have such an ideal family. Even in a situation like this, your daughter stays so bright. I'm envious, sir."
"Heh heh, don't you have a daughter? Ha-yeon's got a lot of charm and cheer."
"Both my kids are sons..."
"Ahh."
"They're independent now—only hear from them on holidays. No contact otherwise."
"Heh heh. Sons are all the same in every family."
And so, a day passed.