...Did You Get Permission?
When you learn you might get to stand beside the person you admire, how does an ordinary person react?
Back then, I think I truly believed it was something out of a dream.
But that does not mean—not for a second—that I applied to Stars Flow so I could be with her. It was only ever the result. It was never the reason.
Which is why, when Aki asked, I swallowed without meaning to.
"Izumi, why did you become a VTuber?"
"On your debut stream, you said you applied because you needed someone to talk to. But if all you needed was someone to talk to, there would have been plenty of other ways..."
"Th-that's—what are you—"
"I think your streams are incredibly fun. I just don't feel like you have the kind of personality that suits broadcasting."
I knew that already.
On stream I managed to dress it up somehow, but experience had already taught me I could come apart at any moment. No matter how desperately I wished to grow stronger, to move forward, a person's nature does not change that easily. More than anyone else, I knew I belonged on the side that watches, not the side that broadcasts.
"I want to stay with you for a long time. With all of our genmates. And if you're going to be a VTuber for a long time, I think it's good not to forget why you debuted..."
"I—I..."
The reason I joined Stars Flow. The reason I debuted. The beginning, clearly, had been Mom's suggestion.
But if I thought it through slowly—had that suggestion really been something I could never have refused?
"I, um, that's, that's..."
"...I started being a VTuber because it was work I could do from home."
"Huh?"
While I sat there tangled in my own thoughts, unable to get a word out, Aki lifted the corner of her mouth and went on first.
"My personality's weird... Yeah. It's a little embarrassing, but I had a hard time mixing with people. Take my family out of it, and everyone said I was strange. Even hearing that, I never really thought I had to fix it."
It might have been a shameful thing to admit, and yet there was no hesitation in her voice at all. That, more than anything, seemed to say she did not regret the choice she had made, and the thought that she was cool rose in me, slow and quiet.
"And I sleep a ridiculous amount, right? So working the way other people do was really hard. I kept clashing with everyone around me, and even in the middle of a shift all I could think was that I wanted to sleep, so problems kept piling up. I went looking for work I could do alone, at home, and that's how I found out about VTubers."
Aki's past life had been a gameplay VTuber, the same as Akabane's.
"And I learned that a personality like mine could be a charm to other people. That's how I ended up here, at Stars Flow..."
"..."
"...Is it still a little weird? Normally you'd try to fix the parts people point out..."
"No, th-that's not—it isn't..."
If anything, I thought she was incredible. Unshaken by what the people around her said, she had found a path that suited her, and I sincerely thought that was cool.
And what about me, set beside that?
Looking back now, I surely could have refused Mom's suggestion. It had only happened because she mistook my dream for wanting to be a VTuber. Underneath it, though, I had wanted to change this introverted personality of mine, and Mom had known. That was why she had urged me.
Aki had been sure of herself, so she found a road that fit her. I had been ashamed of myself, so I had wanted to fix it. I had not even found the method on my own. I had taken my mother's help. And when my debut was confirmed, all I had done was rejoice that I would get to be with Nacchan.
Right now, that fact was unbearably shameful.
"...Izumi? Sleepy?"
"N-no, um, that's—I, I..."
I was so ashamed that a useless feeling welled up, and I thought the tears might spill. Aki had only asked how I came to start. Crying over something like that would be a humiliation I carried for the rest of my life. I knew that, so I held the tears back with everything I had.
"I was ashamed of myself... Ashamed of me, introverted to a stupid degree. A-and I didn't even find the method by myself..."
"Hm? Ashamed?"
"...Yes. Thinking I wanted to fix this in-introverted personality... I'm ashamed of that."
"Why?"
"...Because having confidence in your own personality, the way you do, is the cooler thing. I don't have any confidence in myself, and I was ashamed, so I thought I wanted to change this personality..."
Someone with Aki's self-esteem probably would not understand. Shame toward yourself dragging your self-worth down, and then that very shame dragging it down again. She might even look down on me. I had heard, after all, that a person with no confidence at all looks like the worst thing in the world to everyone else.
Had I said too much? I was thinking it when she whispered.
"...Cool."
"...What?"
"You said I was cool, but I'm the one who thinks you're cool. Admitting your own weaknesses and working to fix them isn't easy. ...Yeah. You're amazing, Izumi."
"B-but still..."
"And you said you didn't find the method by yourself, right? But you're still a student. Yeah. Relying on the people around you isn't shameful at all."
Miss Koga had said something like that once, too. Rely more on the adults around you.
Of course, my actual mental age was that of a fabulously cool man in his forties...
"Hehe..."
Even so, the reality in front of me was still a sixteen-year-old high school girl, and I was starting to think that relying on someone might not be so bad.
"...Th-thank you, Aki."
"Hm? For what?"
"J-just..."
After that we faced each other and fell into all kinds of idle talk.
"I think I'm lucky all our members are kind."
"Yeah..."
"Sometimes Suzuha's a little scary, though..."
"M-me too..."
It was nothing special. It was, without question, pleasant.
"When we meet outside, you call me Ruka-nee too."
"D-do I really have to..."
"Yeah. There shouldn't be favoritism among genmates."
And before I knew it, my eyes were slowly closing.
"Sleep well, Izumi."
"Good... night..."
Still turned toward Aki, I quietly gave myself over to sleep. The tears I had been holding back had vanished somewhere along the way, and I found I could smile.
Nekoto looked at Izumi's face, asleep before she had quite noticed.
Quiet breaths, and the slow, regular rise of her chest, told her the girl had sunk deep.
"...Cute."
Every one of her 2nd Generation genmates was precious to Nekoto. They were the people who had taken, without a second thought, a personality that could never be called good at human relationships. Even among them, though, her eyes were drawn most to Izumi—the youngest, a high school girl still in the middle of it.
At first, honestly, she had thought Izumi would graduate soon. Her personality did not suit streaming at all. But Izumi had never given up, and in the end she held more subscribers than anyone else in the 2nd Generation.
People said that after the VTuber industry collapsed once, having a past life or not no longer made a meaningful difference. That did not mean it made no difference at all. Even so, the fact that Izumi—with no past life—had run out ahead of everyone else had come as a real shock.
There had been jealousy in it at the start. Watching Izumi's streams, though, that dark feeling had all drained away, until only a clean, simple awe remained: she was amazing. Getting hurt and still refusing to quit made the fact that Izumi was a much younger little sister stop mattering at all.
And yet, on the other side of that, the precariousness remained.
Even today's stream. The chat had said her way of speaking sometimes changed, and hadn't Izumi flinched in a way anyone could see? The viewers had probably taken it as part of the fun. Nekoto, sitting right beside her, had seen her face clearly—Izumi genuinely rattled, eyes darting this way and that.
That was why she had asked what made her become a VTuber. Even if the personality did not suit broadcasting, setting foot in this industry meant there was a reason of her own. Then don't let the viewers' chat shove you around so easily. Even someone like—no. Even Nekoto herself, whose personality was quite strange, had plenty of people who liked her. So stand up straight and see your own reason through. That was what she had wanted to say.
Because she truly wanted to be with Izumi for a long time.
Whether that intention had actually reached her, Nekoto had no way of knowing. If anything, when Izumi had started to tear up partway through, she had panicked inwardly—this is bad. But at the end, seeing that dorky little laugh that did not match her looks at all, the usual one, she had thought, Well. This is fine.
Even if Izumi wavered, she could help her, as the older sister. The other genmates were all kind. Together, they could hold her up.
"Heh heh heh..."
"Mmn..."
Nekoto laughed quietly so she would not wake her, and slowly stroked her hair. Getting to look at a cute little creature like this felt like a blessing.
"...I-it should be fine."
And keeping a sight this cute all to herself felt, in fact, like a terrible wrong.
So Nekoto took out her phone, killed the flash and the shutter sound, and photographed Izumi's sleeping face.
She posted it to the 2nd Generation's Misscode server, and, satisfied, sank into sleep.