Wavering Restraint
I set the two bottles carefully on the table, then clutched my head for a moment and let a sigh scatter into the empty air.
"So... the purple one is the medicine I'm supposed to drink."
The rough, bumpy surface settled into my palm with a satisfying grip. At the same time, when the sunlight seeping through the purple walls caught it, the liquid shimmered in a way that was almost impressive. The paper used for wrapping medicine had been wound around the cork stopper and neatly bound with string. The careful preparation made it feel as though I had truly been given something precious. If she had pressed it into my hands with such earnest warnings, the least I could do was keep it safe.
And then there was this troublesome orange liquid.
"This was the one I was supposed to smash, wasn't it?"
The cylindrical shape, with no opening at all to pour the liquid out, struck me as faintly bizarre. How had they even gotten the liquid inside in the first place? Or was it foolish from the start to expect anything like ordinary rules from a gift given by an Outer God?
A being that was not a god of this world. He watches over us... or so they said. He had brought me back from death, granted her wish, and through that, advanced his own purpose. The thought left a bad taste. Just catching a glimpse of his true nature had been enough to turn my stomach. Even now, every time I tried to recall that blazing purple vision, a pain like my skull splitting open came rushing back.
Had Thea endured sights like that?
Worry began to creep in, little by little. Was she truly all right, serving a being of such vast scale? What if the instability she had shown all this time wasn't because of me at all, but because she had been serving that god and was being shaken by it? If the Outer God was demanding strange things of her, if she was carrying out horrors terrible enough to leave her that exhausted—should I try to stop her? Or should I simply stay quiet?
I wanted to walk the path she chose. Ever since I fell for her, I had wanted to walk beside her wherever she decided to go. That the end of that road had once been death was a bitter truth, but at least now, with a second chance, we could walk it again. Yet if this time the end waiting for her was not my ruin but her own—was it truly right to let her keep walking?
"Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan—"
Before I could finish the thought, someone burst into the house. Her staff clattered carelessly to the floor. The hood draped over her shoulders was flung aside. She slapped her long gloves off with sharp, impatient tugs. The woman who had only ever veiled the curves of her body by layering extra cloth over her clothes now revealed everything to me without a single barrier left. She showed me the reverse of those white-and-black priestess robes, every line of her form laid bare without mercy.
"Th-Thea—mmph..."
She claimed my mouth at once, sucking my lips in as she slowly lowered me to the floor. Her arms locked tight around my waist so our bodies pressed flush, one hand carefully cradling my head as she laid me down.
"I missed you. So much."
She drove her body against mine without the slightest restraint, replacing any greeting with short, hungry kisses.
"Ah... you're so warm. Hold me tighter."
With me already gathered into her arms, she began guiding my hands to the places she wanted them—her slender waist, and...
"Thea?!"
"Hurry. I'm cold."
She kept nuzzling into my neck, tickling the sensitive skin there, until I couldn't pull my hands free even if I tried. Led by her fingers, she coaxed soft, seductive sounds from her own lips right against my ear. She kept shifting more and more of her weight onto me, pinning me harder against the floor. Even when I tried to sit up under the pretense of adjusting my position—
"Fine. I'll hold you tighter, so stop fussing."
—she shoved me back down with the soft press of her chest and gave me a sly little smile. Every time I parted my lips to speak—
"Mm. I love you too."
—her tongue slid deep into my mouth and forced the words back down my throat. As if my mouth already belonged to her, I struggled to push her tongue away, but all it did was provoke her further.
"Nnh... so bold right after waking up. Were you lonely all by yourself? I was too, Evan. It was hard without you. Cold. So cold my whole body shook—I'm serious. So... deeper, okay?"
My wrists were pinned; I couldn't even lift them. And worse than anything was that peach scent, thick and heavy, sinking into my skull and clouding every thought. The fragrance that should have been light and faint now drowned me, slowly devouring the memories of gentler days while the world around me flushed pink. Now the scent kept freezing my limbs, kept stripping away every barrier I tried to raise against this sticky, overwhelming desire for her.
I had always believed that love between us was enough with deep kisses. Holding hands. Pressing our noses to each other's throats to memorize the scent of skin. Sometimes hugging hard enough to feel the full shape of the other body. That had been enough. I had believed it. The pure, mischievous Thea of before had always danced right along that edge, content to tease me and nothing more.
"I can't hold back anymore. No—I won't. If the reward for keeping all those stupid rules and regulations was your death, then of course I should break them. Why should I keep my dignity in front of you? Wanting to burn hot with the person I love is the most natural thing in the world. Why should I keep choking that down? Right, Evan? You think so too, don't you?"
"Thea, wai—wait—mmph..."
Our tongues tangled again. Lips sealed, and her tongue forced my mouth open once more. This time it felt like a warning.
"Hah... don't even think about stopping. Don't you dare."
"Thea—ah—my body still—"
"I know. You're not well. But kissing is fine, isn't it? Something this good... isn't it weirder that we didn't do it more often before?"
A thin thread of saliva stretched between us, then snapped back as our mouths met again. I remembered the time she had pressed a soft, ripe slice of peach against my lips and gently rubbed it over my tongue. She had claimed she wanted to test the difference between firm peaches and soft ones, so I had agreed to the "experiment." Of course her stated purpose had been a blatant lie. It had happened right after I told her that kissing her always tasted like peach. She had rubbed only the softest pieces against me with obsessive care, then her own tongue had joined in until the living room was a sticky mess of juice and pulp.
Thinking back, she had always been peculiar for an elf. She smiled at me even in front of others. She loved affectionate gestures. She played mischievous pranks. Unlike the quiet, cold-seeming elves around her, the one who looked the most perfect among them had always been overflowing with emotion. The woman who kept an icy mask before countless watching eyes now melted in front of me and offered only sweet smiles.
When her fingers began drifting toward the buttons of my shirt, I finally managed to push her back just enough to create a little space.
"Thea, wait... stop..."
It was a terrible choice.
"What do you think you're doing."
Thea wore the coldest expression I had ever seen on her face. She stared straight through me, not a trace of a smile left, and chewed every word before spitting it out.
"Do you want to watch me lose my mind, Evan? I finally got you back, and you can't even give me this much? Hmm?"
"Just—give me a little time to rest... my body still isn't—"
Maybe I had drawn breath too sharply. My throat went dry; something inside my chest ached. Every inhale scraped raw, and my body screamed for even a moment of rest. But I was not strong enough to make that wish come true.
"Th-Thea, please—not today—"
"Shut up."
No matter how hard I tried to hold her off with my strengthless hands, all I did was feed her anger. She slapped my reaching arm aside hard enough that a sharp sting bloomed across the back of my hand. She seized my collar and hauled my upper body half off the floor. I found myself face to face with her. Her golden eyes locked on mine, teeth bared in a low snarl. There was no light left in them.
"You can't even do this much? Me? Do you have any idea what I did to get you back? What I went through to drag you out of that darkness? All I wanted was to be a little closer to you. To know you better. I hated myself for wasting four whole years being lazy!! That's why I'm doing this. So why—why did you push me away, Evan? I don't understand. Tell me. Tell me right now, Evan—why did you push me away?!"
The sight of her was truly terrifying. A vast, bottomless rage. Long shadows stretched around her like a cloak of darkness. Beneath that darkness she seemed enormous, and I felt myself shrinking into nothing. Where had those shadows even come from? It was still daytime—why was the dark already pressing down on me like this, crushing me under such a monstrous shape?
I lifted my stinging hand and covered my eyes, praying desperately that all of it would simply pass. I braced myself for the rough, bitter storm of her feelings. I didn't even have the courage to look at her; I squeezed my eyes shut. I was afraid. I was lost. I wanted to love her as fiercely as she loved me, yet the single word I still needed to say—that today had to wait—kept tormenting me. I had no idea how to face the furious woman in front of me, and the helplessness was crushing. Should I apologize? Should I try to soothe her again? Would she even listen? Those eyes, those hands, that heart—I already knew a space far too large had been hollowed out inside her. What else could I possibly do?
Maybe I should just smash that bottle. Calm her somehow, and face her again tomorrow.
In the middle of those thoughts I suddenly felt the weight pressing down on me vanish.
"...Ah."
A thin cry slipped out. She was leaving. The hands that had been holding me were gone. I felt my back settle against the floor again. At that ominous sensation I forced myself upright. In a vision swimming with light and shadow, the world spinning, I saw her stumbling backward, trying to put distance between us.
"Wh-what have I... what did I..."
She was trying to stand. She was trying to get away from me. I watched her push at the floor with her hands only to keep falling onto her hips. So I gathered what little strength I had left and threw myself toward her. I didn't even hope to hold her. I only wanted to catch the ankle of the woman trying to leave me.
What I felt when I reached her was a violent trembling. Her legs shook as if she had stepped out into the first cold wind of autumn wearing nothing but thin cloth. Between the long strands of hair that hid her face, the eyes that met mine were crumbling.
"L-let go. Please. I can't let you see me like this—"
She couldn't even shake off my weakened grip. She claimed she would leave, yet her feet refused to move. She tried to clear her throat, but tears were already soaking the floor. Her words tried to push me away, yet her legs had already stopped. Slowly I pushed myself up, climbed along her body, and wrapped my arms around her.
"E... Evan... Evan... I was wrong... kuh—"
Beyond the purple walls the sun had begun its slow descent into orange. The lengthening shadows had already covered both of us.
"I'm sorry. I missed you so much. I wanted to see you so badly. Being far away made me so anxious, so—what have I done... ugh, kuhuh..."
She rubbed her cheek against my hand again and again, as if trying to show me the light still shining in her eyes while she begged for forgiveness.