Losing the Light
The lump of iron that had punched through my chest made a wet, squelching sound.
"You short-lived mongrel, you dare lay a hand on my face? The likes of you—"
The words reached my ears only half-formed. My head felt thick and dull. The world kept swaying — no, reddening. Blood beaded at the tip of the blade and fell.
Heavy.
A clamor rose somewhere nearby. The iron that had been boring and prying through my chest finally stopped moving.
"Let go of me! I said let go! How dare the likes of you put your hands on me—"
"Tolfen, I am placing you under restraint. This—this is a line you have clearly crossed!"
Something muttered behind me, but I couldn't make it out. The voice had been clear and pure, yet somehow it wouldn't settle in my ears. I couldn't focus. The iron lodged in my chest hurt too much. Something kept tearing inside me, over and over.
"Evan. Evan, look at me. Evan?"
In an instant my vision spun.
...Her beautiful face filled my sight.
Why that expression? Why was she staring down at me with that frozen, vacant look? An injury like this — just a through-and-through wound — if she healed it with a miracle later, even if it hurt—
"His... his heart... that bastard...!"
Ah. So that was it.
That was why she had kept pressing her hands to my wound, unable to speak for so long. The warm blood still surging up. My hands and feet, at some point, gone so cold. Watching her gaze pull away, watching her clenched fists prepare to leave my side — fear seemed to bloom from the deep dark, rising in the corner of my vision.
"The...a..."
"I'm here, Evan. I'm right here, so... look this way. Okay? Don't let your eyes go slack...!"
When she caught hold of me again, that darkness flinched and withdrew. The things with black teeth curled back into the corners and simply watched me.
Hurried footsteps. Her trembling eyes. The world kept pitching and reeling, and I couldn't gather my mind around any single thing. Even breathing was so hard that I simply leaned into her arms and blinked, slowly.
She held my hand tight and drew out a bright cluster of miracle-light to wrap around me — but I felt nothing. Something was draining away. Another cascade of radiant light poured down, and still the hollow in my chest would not fill. No matter how desperately she clung to me, no matter how she cried out, no matter how she coughed and pounded at my body — I felt none of it. I only knew that she was beside me.
I didn't know what she was doing, but I hated the way my vision was going blank. I wanted to hold even a little more of her. With what strength I had left, I lifted her bowed head with my hand.
Her face was a ruin. I tried somehow to wipe the blood from that twisted expression, but somehow all I managed was to smear more dark red across it.
"...With a cloth... you have to wipe it with a cloth..."
I tried again to clean the blood away, only to ruin her cheek once more before my arm fell. Still — at least I was held in her arms. At least I could feel a little warmth. Perhaps that was something to be grateful for.
When I said I was cold, she covered me with a blanket. She had already layered three of them over me. She was right there beside me, cradling my freezing palms in both her hands. Three lanterns she had floated to the ceiling burned overhead. And still I felt the cold — which surely meant something was terribly wrong.
I couldn't bring myself to look at my chest. I didn't even have the courage to touch it with my hand.
"You'll be all right. You'll be all right... Evan, you're still there, aren't you?"
I was the one who had been stabbed — so why were her lips the ones turning blue? I was the one lying here, feeling life slowly drain away — so why did she look more terrified than I did?
I managed to tug the corner of my mouth upward at her words. Why did even that feel so impossibly hard? It should have been nothing more than putting a little strength into my lips. But my whole body felt like a heavy lump of flesh — the way you lift a sick man onto a stretcher, the way you heave a body onto an operating table.
"I'll find a way. If there are more people, it'll be fine. I can't do it alone, but doctors, priests — people who can help will come. So just hold on a little longer."
Even hearing her desperate voice, I felt as though I couldn't move a single finger. All I could do was force a smile for her. In the corner, something still watched me with gleaming eyes, and I felt that darkness growing larger.
How long had I been barely drawing breath, then resting? I clenched my teeth through the crushing pain in my chest. The more I tried not to acknowledge the empty space inside me — the more I fixed my attention on her face — the deeper my despair grew.
She knew my condition just as well. She tried to hold it back, but the emotion kept welling up and spilling out as tears. Still, as long as she was awake, I didn't want to give up. I didn't want my breath to stop in front of her eyes.
Every time I turned my head to answer her constant stream of words, I was terrified that the strength would simply leave my face. That if I let my head fall comfortably onto the pillow, it would truly be the end — and that fear was what held me.
Even as the darkness slowly claimed the room, even as the forest gradually lost its blue light, I still held her hand and refused to let go.
Was the pain growing dull a good thing, or a bad one? The throbbing in my chest was fading — did that mean I was getting better? Or was this state, where even three layers of blankets no longer offered any comfort—
"Evan. Evan. Don't close your eyes. Stay here. Please, stay with me... please..."
Ah. At some point, I had closed them.
Forehead pressed to mine, she sobbed and turned her head anxiously toward the door.
"Why aren't the doctors coming? Why...! They can't just leave. They can't just do this to someone and run—"
The darkened outdoors. A forest thick with silent dark. The front door left standing open. Outside, empty of any human presence.
...They wouldn't come. Of course they wouldn't. As she had said — they held high positions. If the truth got out, they would be the ones in trouble. If I died, Thea would be next. Would she be all right? Could she survive, left behind?
"...Thea."
Worry came first. I was certain now that there was no hope left for me — but not for her. If their reach extended to her, she would lose her life as well. At least this pain was enough for me alone.
"The—a...!"
I called her. I wrung her name from my throat again. But she only stared blankly outward.
"This can't be... How much did I pray? I begged them to save him... How many times did I ask for a helping hand, and I..."
Her muttering reached me. Through the open door, fog steeped in dense darkness came drifting in. I watched it slowly wrap around her body — and then pass her by, coming for me.
"I have... something to say—"
"E-Evan!"
Only when I pushed myself up with my arms, making a rustling sound against the bed, did I finally call her back to me. Seeing her rush through the fog, I managed to force my closing eyes a little wider.
I thought I had spoken to her as I always did. But the senses pain had woken told me otherwise. You're speaking with a dying voice. That's why she's crying.
"I'm here. Here... I'm right here..."
I lifted a trembling hand with difficulty, held her body, and looked past her. The darkness had come right up to my face. The black fog lay so thick that only she and I and the bed remained. As if to say little time was left, it swallowed the lights one by one. The healing lanterns she had floated to the ceiling all lost their glow, flickering furiously.
"The—a... my beloved The...a..."
As if wrapped in smoke, only a faint orange glow remained beyond a murky veil. Feeling something lukewarm pour from my chest into a vast emptiness, I leaned more heavily into her.
"Stay with me, Evan, please... give me your strength. You can't fall asleep like this! People will come. They will, I know they will...!"
"I'm... sorry... it turned out... like this..."
I had promised to love her until my hair went white. I had promised we would build a happy life together and live it joyfully. And in the end, I had put that twisted expression on her face. I couldn't keep my promise. A failure as a priest. A failure as her lover, too?
"Don't say that, Evan. Please. I can hear you say you're sorry later — as many times as you want. Right now, even if you ask me to accept an apology, I absolutely won't. If you die, I will never forgive you, Evan. Please, just sit up. Put some strength in your body! Like this—"
"Evan? E-Evan...?"
I no longer had the strength even to move my mouth. The force that had been holding my arms and legs simply snapped. I had to see her face until the very end. I had to apologize. I had to tell her I didn't think I could grant her request — I had to answer her.
The darkness covered her face.
The light went out.