The Audience's Gaze
Morning classes ended, bringing the arrival of lunchtime. With no friends to speak of, I grabbed my chopsticks and sat alone in a secluded corner of the cafeteria. Though Lucia's lack of social ties was rather pitiful, it was actually a blessing in disguise for me right now. If Lucia had actually possessed close friends, someone like me—who had none of her memories—would have been in deep trouble. If they picked up on the differences between the old Lucia and the current me and demanded to know who I was, I'd have no choice but to play the amnesia card. Fortunately, Lucia's relationships weren't just shallow; they were virtually non-existent. As an orphan, she had no guardian, and she had actively avoided forming connections, leaving her without a single person she could call a friend.
Lucia had despised her own abnormality. "Loathed" might be a more accurate word. She found herself pathetic and grotesque for deriving pleasure from physical pain. Yet, because she couldn't stop chasing that ecstasy, she viewed herself as a foolish, perverted freak and locked her heart away from the world. The only reason she eventually learned to accept herself was because Yujin discovered her masochistic nature. Yujin didn't reject her or condemn her as a monster; instead, he validated her. He told her that human hearts come in all shapes and sizes, and that she shouldn't hate herself. It was only around that time that Lucia finally began to make friends. Once she accepted who she was, she no longer felt the need to push others away.
Of course, none of that mattered to the current Lucia, who had only been at the academy for three days, including the entrance ceremony. Yet, even as I felt relieved by this stroke of luck, a strange heaviness pressed down on my chest. I mean, well... I did have a conscience. A grown man like me hijacking the body of a blooming high school girl and thinking, 'Whew, glad she has no friends!'—isn't that incredibly trashy? My stomach was empty, but my appetite had completely vanished. I set my chopsticks down and let out a heavy sigh. It's not like I chose to become Lucia. I'm a victim here too, you know. Dragged into a novel's world without a single clue. Still, I'm trying my best not to lose heart and make something of this, but... A dull throb pulsed in my temples. I pressed my palm firmly against my forehead.
There's no point agonizing over this right now. Nothing will change. I know that. But still... I had no idea how long I would remain as Lucia. Maybe it would be forever. Or maybe I would leave her body as early as tomorrow. What could the current me—the one currently hijacking Lucia's body—do for her? I didn't know why I became her or how long this would last, but if only I could leave some kind of meaningful gift for the real Lucia—
Gurgle~
Just as I was getting into some seriously deep thoughts, a pathetic rumble from my stomach completely ruined the mood. Right, let's just eat first. I hadn't eaten a single thing since yesterday. Stroking my empty stomach, I picked up my chopsticks again. Fitting for an academy that spared no expense in supporting its students, the cafeteria was buffet-style. You just piled whatever you wanted onto your plate. Despite my hollow stomach, I hadn't taken much. My chest had felt tight, as if my heart were being squeezed in a vice, completely killing my appetite. But I still had to eat. Humans can't survive without food, after all.
"Is this seat taken? Mind if I sit here?"
Before I could even answer, the chair next to me creaked. By the time I looked up, she had already sat down. It was a girl with reddish-brown hair braided into neat twin tails. Behind her round glasses, her eyes held a slightly sharp edge. With her immaculate uniform and makeup-free face, she was the textbook definition of a model student—the class president type. In fact, she was the class president. Or rather, she would be once the class elections took place in the near future. Arin. A member of the Golden Generation who had just put on an absolute masterclass by obliterating eight golems during the ability evaluation in the first period.
"Do you... need something from me?"
I wondered if she sat here because there were no other seats, but a quick glance around the cafeteria proved otherwise. That meant she had deliberately sought out the seat next to mine... but why? Unable to fathom her intentions, my voice trailed off. Arin swept her gaze over me, her eyes lingering on my shoulder.
"Looks like you're okay."
"What do you mean?"
"Your shoulder." Arin stabbed a cherry tomato in her salad with her fork. "I was worried. Your supernatural ability is Super Regeneration, right? I know severe injuries heal quickly, but still, you never know."
Ah, I see. Arin possessed a strong sense of responsibility, so it made sense she'd worry after seeing a classmate's shoulder get absolutely pulverized right in front of her. Even if it regenerated, the fact that I had been hurt didn't just vanish. "Like Instructor Angelica said, you need to be careful. Your ability doesn't erase the pain."
But that's the best part...
Eu-he, what am I even thinking?
"I saw your face back then. It... hurt a lot more than you expected, didn't it?"
"..."
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Sorry. I shouldn't have brought up a bad memory."
Oh, no, that's not it. My silence didn't mean that at all. I was just wondering if my face looked incredibly stupid back then.
"I don't know if you remember, but I'm Arin. You're Lucia, right?"
"Yeah."
"Let's get along. If you ever have any trouble, you can always talk to me."
She must have felt sorry for me eating all by myself. I let out a soft, gentle smile and nodded.
The rest of the day passed without any major incidents.
The afternoon classes were core academic subjects. I couldn't focus at all. I wasn't the only one, though. These subjects weren't particularly important to the academy's students. They might be crucial in ordinary schools, but not here. They only taught them during the first semester of the first year; starting from the second semester, practical training would increase, and by the second and third years, the curriculum would be almost entirely filled with 'combat.' It was the tragic fate of supernatural ability users. Since they were the only ones capable of opposing the monsters from other worlds, the moment they awakened, their lives were irrevocably steered in this direction.
But that wasn't the only reason I couldn't focus. My mind was in a frantic rush. I wanted to get back to the dormitory as quickly as possible. My chest felt suffocatingly tight. It was so bad that I had clutched my chest multiple times during lunch. Throughout class, I found myself touching my shoulder countlessly. Time crawled. The second hand of the clock seemed frozen. In stark contrast, my heartbeat steadily accelerated. Eventually, the thumping in my chest grew so loud that it drowned out all external sound. The moment homeroom ended, I dashed straight to the dorms. I slammed the door open and slammed it shut behind me. Having burst into my room with such frantic energy, the very first thing I did was—
"No. This... this isn't it..."
I gouged into my own shoulder. I plunged a dagger deep into the flesh and twisted it violently, tearing the wound wide open. A stream of blood, hot enough to steam, drenched the floor, but my mind was entirely consumed by a different thought.
"It hurt more back then... It was so much more agonizing..."
Why? What was the difference? When the chimera golem tore into my shoulder, the pain had been so intense that I couldn't think at all. It had hurt so much that I forgot who I was, what I was doing, and what I was trying to do. I had wanted to taste that sensation again so badly, to feel the phantom sensation of teeth piercing through my shoulder, that I had even rejected Arin's offer to walk back together and sprinted straight to the dorms.
"It hurts. It hurts, but... it's not enough. Not nearly enough."
My left arm hung limply. I had meticulously shattered my collarbone with a mace. I had actively suppressed my regeneration, recreating the exact same conditions as before as closely as possible. But why...?
"Why is it not enough? It hurts, it really hurts... I should be suffering, it should hurt so much more..."
A throbbing, electric pain pulsed through me. At the very least, the physical pain felt identical to what I experienced during the evaluation. Yet, why did it feel so hollow?
"Ugh, ah..."
I slowly pulled the dagger out of my shoulder. Wiping away the tears pooling in my eyes, I stared at the blade drenched in dark red blood. Tossing it aside like trash, I shoved my fingers directly into the open wound.
"Open up... a bit more... like... this... Ah, ah-hng... He-he, it hurts... Yes, it hurts..."
My legs trembled violently, forcing me to lean against the wall. I gasped for air, my breathing growing ragged and loud. Crimson blood stained the floor. It was a good thing I had stripped completely naked beforehand, or I wouldn't have had a uniform to wear tomorrow.
"It hurts, but... why does it still feel... lacking? Why?"
Tilting my head, I desperately tried to piece together my fraying thoughts. What was the difference between now and then? Was it because a golem did it then, and now it was self-harm? No, the physical pain was practically the same. That couldn't be it. Was it the location? That was the training ground, and this was my dorm room. Did being outdoors make me more excited? That was possible, but it didn't fully explain it. There had to be a much more fundamental reason...
"I don't know... I don't get it... Lucia, tell me..."
I muttered pleadingly. I wanted to taste that exact same sensation again. I wanted to so badly, but I didn't know how. What was present there, but missing here? It wasn't a self-inflicted wound, it was a public space, and there were other people besides me—
Ah?
Other people? Instructor Angelica and every single student of Class 1-A had been there. My teeth chattered. Perhaps due to the blood loss, Lucia's face reflected in the full-length mirror was deathly pale. The gaze. Everyone's eyes had been locked onto me. When the chimera golem bit into my shoulder, everyone had stared in absolute horror. Everyone. Every single one of them.
"He, he-he... eu-he..."
Right. That was it. Because everyone was watching, I got even more excited. Me getting hurt, me suffering, me trembling, me tearing up—everyone was watching me... and that made it hurt so much more.
"He, he-he... eu-he-he-het..."
I couldn't hold back the giggles bubbling up inside me. As my concentration slipped, the Super Regeneration I had been suppressing began to knit the wound on my shoulder back together. I tried to stand, but my legs gave out completely, and my arms flailed uselessly like deflated balloons. I collapsed onto the floor with a wet splat. My face pressed into the pool of blood. Staring blankly at the crimson liquid, I gave it a quick lick. It was metallic. Tasted like iron.
"This is training... it's all just training..."
I was simply sacrificing my own body to develop my abilities. Right? There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I was perfectly sane. Clad in nothing but my underwear, I melted into the pool of blood. Closing my eyes gently, I let out shallow, quiet breaths. I began to imagine. Just like what happened today. Me, getting hacked to pieces right in front of everyone. Me, captured by an otherworldly monster, my limbs torn apart, my organs dragged out, my eyeballs gouged. And everyone's faces, twisted in sheer horror as they watched.
"Eu-he..."
Ah. This is the absolute best.