The Handsome Lads (2)
Sun Ce and Zhou Yu.
Even in the original history, these two were beauties whose looks had been certified in the official records.
Sun Ce was honored with the character for a fine young man and hailed as Son Rang, while Zhou Yu went one step further still, tacking on the character for beautiful itself to become Meizhou Lang.
How dazzling must those two have been, when there survives a well-known anecdote of Sun Ce laughing that the two Qiao sisters of Jiangdong—who had landed themselves handsome, capable husbands—were the ones who'd gotten the better end of the deal. To say that even of Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao, sisters renowned as the greatest beauties in all the land, no less....
It was a telling passage, that—clear proof of just how boundless Sun Ce's confidence in her own looks truly was.
...Though, mind you, say what you will, in the end it was still a marriage won by plunder.
"Everything looks ready! Time to drink, wouldn't you say?"
"...Bofu. A little more decorum, if you please."
Just look at them.
Those staggeringly radiant looks of theirs.
Of course, I don't mean light was literally streaming off their faces—the word was chosen purely for effect.
If ever the phrase "a face like a carved statue" applied to anyone, surely it would be to these two.
Features without a single awkward or artificial line. Voices so lovely they drew gasps of admiration from anyone who heard them. Skin white and flawless as fresh porcelain, without one blemish—and figures with nothing to find fault with.
As it happened, these two were popular to a frankly suspicious degree—not only with men, but with their fellow women as well.
Zhou Yu in particular—only the flavor of it differed, but her beauty itself was nearly a match for Diaochan's.
My conscience is far too clean to go around shouting that women like these are anything less than gorgeous.
To be perfectly honest, I rather suspect the two of them out-handsomed me.
"Then let's drink with abandon! Straight down the hatch!"
Sun Ce threw her head back with a hearty laugh and began downing her cup the moment the table was set.
...If you're drinking like that already, exactly how do you plan to handle tomorrow?
Or does she have it all figured out?
I opened my mouth.
"Pace yourself. Hangovers are no joke."
"I'm fine! My body at least is built like a fortress!"
"...Mmm."
In my experience, people who say that sort of thing usually spend the next morning face-down on the floor, groaning like the walking dead....
Having a fair idea of what Sun Ce would look like come morning, I fretted over it in silence for a moment.
I turned my head to study Zhou Yu, seated close by Sun Ce's side.
"......"
Unlike Sun Ce, whose high spirits had tipped well past boisterous into excessive, Zhou Yu sat with the utmost demureness.
Goodness. Even just sitting still, the woman was a portrait.
Truly, an unfairly beautiful face.
The lady with platinum hair gone nearly white, as if bleached, and limpid sky-blue eyes, held an air of the gravest solemnity.
...Weren't we supposed to be deepening our fellowship here?
Then why was she radiating an aura of come one step closer and I will cut you down?
One of them was bellowing "pour it, drink it," already half out of her gourd, while the other projected a severity so stern and unbending it could have frosted the wine.
"General-in-Chief! Did you happen to knooow?"
While I was still mulling over what on earth to do with this situation, Sun Ce spoke up.
"...And what might that be?"
I replied, watching as Sun Ce's tongue already began to loosen with drink.
"My one and only friend Gongjin, you see, is shy. Terribly, catastrophically shy."
"......"
At my question, Sun Ce flashed a sly smile.
"Honestly, what a coward! If you like someone, you come out and say so, and press your case, bold and plain...!"
"C-can't you be quiet?!"
SMACK!
"Oof?!"
Before Sun Ce could so much as finish her sentence, Zhou Yu dealt her a crisp, resounding smack on the backside.
This time around, she'd acted without the slightest regard for her audience, I'll say that much.
Frankly, judging by everything Zhou Yu had shown me so far, I'd half expected as much.
After all, back when she arranged our first meeting, the moment it was just the two of us, hadn't she wavered to a downright unnatural degree?
Accustomed as I was to women who charged at me full-tilt, brakes entirely absent, the instant they laid eyes on me, encountering one who stalled like this was strangely refreshing.
'...My lord. I beg of you.'
'Jeong Reung—! Where do you think you're going?!'
...Truly.
They do say love belongs to the bold—but with these women, the boldness runs several degrees past bold and out the other side.
"What? Why are you staring all of a sudden?"
"No reason."
I gave the standard-bearers of the no-shame, full-charge school of romance a brief, fond look, then turned my head back.
And looking at Sun Ce and Zhou Yu once more, I was greeted by an unexpected sight.
"You've still got a long way to go before you can take me!"
At some point, Sun Ce had subdued Zhou Yu completely.
"Ughk...! Pointless... stupid strength...!"
Zhou Yu, pinned beneath Sun Ce's arm, groaned through gritted teeth.
...Wasn't there a general in Romance of the Three Kingdoms who suffocated to death while being hauled around in exactly that position, trapped under Sun Ce's arm?
Just how was Zhou Yu holding up under that murderous headlock?
The gathering was sliding steadily into a free-for-all, but scenes like this no longer fazed me, and I looked on with perfect equanimity.
Truthfully, these days I found it less exasperating than genuinely entertaining—waiting to see what would happen next.
"Doesn't look like you're ready yet."
"Wh-what?"
"Then allow me to help!"
Sun Ce, still locking arms with Zhou Yu as she squirmed desperately to break free, cried out with sunny innocence.
She snatched up the bottle before her and thrust it at Zhou Yu.
"There! Water that makes your courage bubble right up! Chug it!"
"......"
For a moment, Sun Ce's phrasing left me speechless.
Well.... It was, admittedly, a magic potion that made courage come bubbling up.
The only trouble was that it made the courage bubble up rather too much.
Zhou Yu appeared to feel much the same, because she said flatly:
"This is just booze.... Mmphh?!"
"Ah-ah-ah. None of that pulling away like a bashful thing—just drink, I said."
With her overwhelming strength, Sun Ce pressed the bottle forcibly to Zhou Yu's lips.
...Should I file that under "drinking habits" too?
Or was simple brute force simply the answer to Zhou Yu's unbearable foot-dragging?
"Hm. Not bad."
Whichever it was, it made for a fine spectacle, so I simply watched the pair of them while picking at the side dishes that had come out with the drinks.
"Ugh, hck...!"
"Oh my. All gone already."
Having drained an entire bottle straight into Zhou Yu's stomach, Sun Ce flashed a wolfish grin.
"Well? Courage just comes pouring out now, doesn't it?"
"...Le... ...go..."
"Hm? What was that?"
At the sight of Zhou Yu mumbling into her chest, Sun Ce leaned down closer.
And in that exact instant, Zhou Yu snapped her head up and shrieked:
"I said, let go of me──!!"
"WHOAAGH?!"
SLAM!
"......"
"Ooh. Not bad at all?"
What in the world had just happened?
I mulled it over for a moment, but reconstructing the scene took no effort at all.
Zhou Yu had quite clearly wrapped both arms around Sun Ce's waist, and then....
Ah. Right.
She'd driven every last fiber of strength into her lower body and hurled Sun Ce backward over her hip.
...Was pulling off a suplex while caught in a headlock even a physically possible thing?
Should I call this a case of monsters at play among their own kind?
Zhou Yu, no less than Sun Ce, possessed combat strength far beyond any ordinary person.
Well, of course—how else would the two of them have carved through the Shanyue Tribe at the very front of the line, side by side?
"......"
Watching Sun Ce, who had sailed backward through the air and been planted into the floor in a decidedly pathetic heap, I mused:
So they just casually trade grappling techniques with each other, do they.
Is this what they call the dauntless spirit of Jiangdong women?
"...Hic!"
"Hm?"
An ominous little sound from nearby made me turn my head.
"Courage.... Courage, huh...."
"Zhou Yu?"
"Fine! All right! I'll just show you─!"
Zhou Yu, who had been muttering to herself, screamed with a face gone scarlet from jaw to hairline.
Uh-oh.... This is bad.
Every sign pointed to drunk. Thoroughly drunk.
Barely had the thought crossed my mind before Zhou Yu came bearing down on me with heavy, thudding, purposeful strides.
Thrusting that devastating face of hers right up at me, she shouted:
"My looord─! Would you care to hold me in your arms─?"
"......"
Well then. That was a no-warning fastball thrown straight into the body.
Taking Zhou Yu's current state into very careful consideration, I answered in the calmest voice I could muster.
"...That's hardly a difficult request, but perhaps we ought to get you sobered up first, and then talk about—"
"If you refuse me, I'll simply drop dead right heeere─!"
"......"
Stop.
Please stop adding entries to the dark history.
Despite my most earnest prayers, Zhou Yu showed no sign of stopping.
"Do you hear me?! I-I swear I'll bash my skull into the bare ground and die──!!"
Perhaps drink simply dissolved whatever self-restraint she possessed, because Zhou Yu wailed with great round tears welling up at the corners of her eyes.
"Yes─! That's the spirit!!"
Sun Ce, architect of this entire spectacle, had somehow righted herself by now and was cheering her on with all the relish of a ringside heckler.
It was then that Seo Yeo, who had been silently watching the whole scene unfold, spoke.
"...We will step outside for a moment."
"What?! We're leaving NOW?! In the middle of all this?!"
Lü Bu's cry of protest ended abruptly as Seo Yeo seized her by the scruff of the neck and dragged her bodily from the room.
"W-wait a minute! Is this right? Is this really right, I'm asking you!"
"......"
"ARGH!! Not one word for anyone, as ever!! Consistent to the very end!!"
And just like that, my two attendants vanished from view, leaving me to survey a room suddenly empty but for the three of us.
They do say that too much drink turns a person into a dog, don't they.
"Ughhh.... Seriously.... gonna die...."
"Go on─! You can do it─!"
And at this very moment, two people in this room had turned into exactly that.
...Note to self: these two have absolutely poisonous drinking habits.