The Least Convincing Commoners in Luoyang
"Ah... what a complete disaster."
The woman clutched her head at the sight of her companions flaunting their presence for all the world to see.
Hiding her battered old weapon in some out-of-the-way spot and disguising herself as an ordinary commoner had been fine. Disguised as commoners, the whole group had even made it to Luoyang's gate without a single incident—also fine. But who could have possibly predicted they'd put on a show this absurd even here?
"I am merely—! A humble commoner—! from the countryside—!"
Bravo. What a magnificent load of bullshit.
There he was: a vicious bald mountain of a man, built like he could snap a neck with a casual twist, proudly flexing his muscles and bellowing that he was harmless. Anyone could see how ridiculous and suspicious it looked. ...Not that the bastard had never actually killed a man with his bare hands before.
The woman stared at the hulk raising pure hell near the gate, then muttered under her breath.
"I knew we should've left that bastard behind."
She should have knocked him out with a blow to the back of the skull and buried him on some mountaintop with only his head left sticking out of the dirt. That lunatic wasn't going to die either way, so handling him a little rougher would have been no problem at all.
The man who had been holding his silence nearby answered her muttering.
"...Don't say such things. Are we not comrades, after all?"
"Oh, bravo! So you're covering for him just because you're both He's, is that it?"
At his words, the woman raked her hands through her hair as if her frustration were about to boil over. One of them was a walking calamity with no telling when, where, or how he'd blow something up next; the other was blunt to a completely useless degree. Honestly, it couldn't be easy having personalities this distinct!
Faced with that circus, the soldiers guarding the gate had only one response available to them.
"Suspicious characters!"
"...Well. We're properly in for it now."
No sooner had the guard shouted than soldiers came swarming from every direction. The sight of them closing in slowly, weapons trained on her, was more than enough to bring the woman out in a cold sweat.
"You'll be locked in a cell for now, and we'll hear your story at our leisure!"
...
"Resist arrest and you'll be executed on the spot! Surrender quietly!"
Sensing that things hadn't merely gone sideways but had gone thoroughly, irretrievably sideways, the woman turned to her companions.
"Hey. So what do we do now?"
"I could fell a few of them, but..."
The man—He Yi—studied the soldiers moving as though they shared a single body, then shook his head.
"And that would be the end of it. All I see ahead is a future where we become skewers together, in perfect harmony."
"I'd rather not bond over THAT!"
Even as she shouted it, the woman didn't deny a word of what He Yi had said. Spearmen stood within arm's reach, and archers along the wall had her dead in their sights. She had even left her own weapon behind, on orders not to draw attention. Anyone who could escape a situation like this would have to be a monster beyond humanity.
Then He Yi spoke.
"...Don't cause trouble. Is that not what the letter said?"
"Uuurgh...!"
The woman recalled what had been written in the letter and groaned.
───Please, we beg of you: cause no trouble of any kind.
One sentence. That single sentence was all it took to root commanders who feared not even death itself to the spot.
"Hold still!"
"Uuuugh—! I am innocent, I say—!"
Even that mountain of muscle, who would charge headlong without a care for the blades piercing his flesh, was now meekly giving up all resistance.
Heaven-Breaking Yaksha, He Man.
However she turned it over in her mind, that title was far too generous for such a bizarre specimen. A man who never bothered to think about anything, yet had the letter's contents memorized word for word.
...
The woman remembered that their Yellow Turban comrades were standing in that long, long line at this very moment. If they chose to resist, those comrades would hurl themselves at the government troops all at once. The outskirts of Luoyang would quite literally become a battlefield.
But that option did not exist. For them, her word was absolute.
Fanatics who would smile and obey even an order to leap into a pit of fire. Such is the terrifying power of faith.
"Haah. Look at the state of us, all because of that idiot."
Having given up on resisting, the woman raised both hands.
"I suppose I'll just surrender too..."
"Now, wait just a moment."
"Hyaaah! You scared me!"
Just as the woman, hands still raised, was about to sink to her knees, an old man popped out from nearby. The old man—Huang Shao—clicked his tongue and chuckled.
"Heh heh. All that shrieking sounds like a pig getting its throat cut."
"S-shut up!"
"In any case, just watch."
With that, Huang Shao set down a single letter of unmistakably fine make before the wary soldier.
"I say, young man. Before you lock us away, do read this first."
"...Paltry coaxing or bribes will not work on us."
"It is nothing of the sort, so fret not."
...
This was an era when, paper having been invented but hampered by the difficulties of its production, bamboo slips still reigned as the everyday writing medium. Confronted with a letter made of paper—material only government offices and the upper crust could afford in such an age—the soldier carefully gathered it up and carried it to his superior.
The official who unfolded and read the letter murmured, sounding mildly surprised.
"...So they have an identity guarantor."
And quite the heavyweight at that. Someone who had long served the General-in-Chief could hardly be mixed up in anything untoward, and so the official issued his order in an even voice.
"Stand down your weapons."
"...Are you certain, sir?"
"I am."
At the official's firm answer, the soldiers lowered their weapons, doubts plain on their faces.
When the attitudes of everyone around them flipped so abruptly, the woman let out a gasp of amazement.
"Seriously, what did you hand over to get a reaction like that?"
"A certificate of identity, guaranteed by Lady Zhang Ye."
"What?!"
At the sound of Zhang Jue's alias, the woman jolted as if she might leap clean out of her skin.
"Then why on earth didn't you use it from the start...!"
"Because it draws eyes, you fool."
The moment they produced this guarantee, they would officially become people to be watched with care. They were supposed to keep a low profile as it was; what good would attracting attention for nothing do?
...
Understanding this, the woman clamped her mouth shut.
That idiot never lets a single thing go right...!
...I suppose all that's left is to put our faith in this General-in-Chief.
Under the wary stares of the surrounding soldiers, Liu Pi and Huang Shao sighed, thinking those very thoughts.
From the spot I had settled into, I watched the soldiers lower their weapons before I—sensing that something strange was unfolding—could even move to intervene.
"They're opening the way for them, just like that?"
Naturally, I voiced my confusion, and the aide nearby, after receiving something from a soldier, explained to me with due courtesy.
"Yes, General-in-Chief. It appears they are people whose identities Lady Zhang Ye has guaranteed."
"...Mm. I see."
Zhang Jue carried quiet seniority of her own, after all—she was one of the few the soldiers treated with genuine deference. In any case, since it seemed things had escalated somewhat, I simply observed from a distance. Because if—by some truly remote chance—those people caused an incident, I would have to respond immediately.
They were hardly the only ones, either; the long line snaking out before the gate surely held plenty of Yellow Turbans disguised as ordinary commoners. Some had likely slipped into Luoyang long before. Their creed being what it was, they would never harm civilians—but they were more than capable of suicide attacks on government and military buildings, and then some. Whatever else you could say about them, they were a genuinely terrifying faction.
Once the soldiers stood down, the group filed into the city, led by the bald man who could not have been more conspicuous if he tried.
Two men and one woman. And finally, one old man, if I had it right.
I'd assumed Gwan Hae would be mixed in with that group, but apparently the plan was for her to enter separately.
So what was I to do now? Wait calmly until Zhang Jue returned?
...
...
As I was still turning the thought over, the eyes of the group edging cautiously along turned toward me.
What. Why. What were they staring at me for?
Sure, I was perched up on the wall—but of all things, I had not one but two squirming infants bundled in my arms, a rather eye-catching look, so I couldn't begin to guess what first impression they'd form. Honestly, in this state, no matter what I did, I could only come across as a father ground down by the relentless demands of childcare. A few of the soldiers—ones who presumably had children of their own—were looking at me with eyes that said they understood completely.
The original plan had been to leave the little ones in someone's care for a while, but as if they'd seen straight through me, they clung to me like glue. As the saying goes, no parent ever outmatches their own children.
...
"How dare you lay eyes on him..."
A murderous aura suddenly welled up behind me, and I whipped my head around.
"...Hm? What is it?"
"Nothing. Just."
Going by my instincts, Seo Yeo and Lü Bu—to say nothing of the commanders nearby—seemed to have been threatening someone.
But Lü Bu's face was exactly as it always was, and all I could do was tilt my head. Lü Bu, whose every emotion played across her face like an open book, pulling off expression acting? Not a chance.
But when I turned back to look at the Yellow Turbans, I understood. The group was erasing itself from sight with a swiftness it had never once displayed before.
Intending to lead the witness, I remarked flatly.
"...So you did threaten them."
"Eep!"
Behind me, Lü Bu hiccuped as if to demand how on earth I could possibly have known.
"So now you're doing expression acting too?"
"Th-that's..."
"You've really grown."
Just as Lü Bu's face began to brighten at my words, I spoke in a tone of wounded disappointment.
"But whatever happened to the Lü Bu who swore she'd never once lie to me?"
"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorryyy!"
What a great reaction. This was exactly why I could never stop teasing her.
I cracked a grin and, meaning to put her at ease, somehow managed to reach up and pat her head.