Bedroom Arts
Zhao Yun finished telling me everything. A single clear tear rolled down her cheek and fell onto my chest as she reached the part about Yu Chwi’s end.
It was a sorrow so profound I could hardly believe it belonged to that steel-hard woman. And yet… wasn’t there something here that gave me every right to feel a little slighted?
You just slept with me. Both of us were first-timers, clumsy as hell, all raw desire and zero technique—pure wilderness sex.
So when exactly did the “it hurts, I’m bleeding” phase end, and why, the second it was over, did you launch straight into your first-love story without even giving the afterglow a chance to settle?
“Wow. What happened to the king?”
Getting worked up here would only mean I’d lost, I decided. I stroked her hair as if nights like this were nothing special to an alpha male like me.
“He was already dead by the time I arrived.”
“Then your father…”
“If Father hadn’t collapsed, the king wouldn’t have died either. In the end I protected nothing. Not His Majesty, not the king, not Father—and not the promise.”
“…”
I got it. She’d had a pitiful past. All she’d ever wanted was to succeed her father and serve the king, so she’d spent her whole life drilling martial arts and strategy—only to lose everything before that flower could even bloom.
“That’s why you’re so obsessed with promises. Yu Chwi’s last words cut deep.”
“Which is why a promise must be kept. Once I’ve helped you with your business, I will kill you. That way I’ll honor both contracts—yours and Zhang Jian’s.”
“…”
Is this girl right in the head? She’s lying naked and sweaty, using my arm as a pillow and sprawled across my chest, and she’s talking about killing someone?
To her I’m nothing more than a living scapegoat for her conscience. Or maybe just a walking real doll—something even less than a human dildo.
“So say you’ll wash away my sins.”
“I can’t say that. I already told you it’s all a lie.”
“It’s only one sentence. Then why did you do it with me?”
“Hey, what guy is going to say no when a woman like you asks for it?”
“Do you like me?”
“Ghk… You don’t have to like someone for that, right? I mean… Yu Chwi also spent a night with her fiancé because she had no choice, didn’t she?”
“I’m not your fiancée. You said I was disgusting, yet you just wanted to scratch an itch?”
“To be precise, I was buttering you up so I could take you to a certain person. Someone who can give you the answer to how you should live from now on.”
“There is such a person? When do we go?”
“Soon. So even if you want to kill me, just hold off a little longer. You’re the girl who keeps her promises, right?”
“…”
Zhao Yun’s answers stopped. Had she fallen asleep? I, on the other hand, was so hollowed out by the whole situation I felt like I was losing my mind.
It was my first time! Not just in the Later Han—counting modern South Korea, this was my absolute first!
And it had been Zhao Yun’s first too. So what the hell had those tears been for when I broke her hymen right in front of her?
Was she just bitter that the virginity she’d saved for Yu Chwi had been taken by a nobody like me?
I was past slighted and straight into wounded. At least Chosun and Yu Bi treated me with some warmth. This Zhao Yun girl sweet-talked me into taking her just so she could ease her conscience, then immediately started talking about her ex.
Wait—it wasn’t something like that, was it? Like her body was with me, but behind closed eyes she was picturing Yu Chwi the whole time…
Kuuul…
After saying everything she wanted to say, Zhao Yun fell asleep naked in my arms. She really doesn’t see me as a person, does she?
That storm of a night passed. I’d just had my first time with a woman I never thought I’d even get to speak to, and I felt nothing but gloom.
After that, nothing special happened. Zhao Yun treated me the same as always, and I kept wandering the mountain stronghold, slowly earning the Black Mountain Bandits’ trust.
“Hoji? I feel completely safe today.”
“…”
At last the fated moment arrived. The Count, finished with her long period, summoned me in a voice thick with expectation.
Gguyeok gguyeok…
When night fell I walked into her chieftain’s quarters like a dog heading to the slaughterhouse of its own free will. I opened the door and—ugh—there she was, completely naked, her heavy body stretched out on its side.
“Heh… I knew from the first time I saw you. The way you looked at me was never the way you look at a chieftain.”
“Well, what man wouldn’t think the same thing when he sees someone like you, Count?”
“But what am I going to do? I’m a woman with quite a bit of experience. I don’t know how to do things halfway.”
“…”
Do whatever you want. Thanks to Zhao Yun I’d already learned one thing: sex without love is nothing more than thrashing around.
Do Yeop — Special Skill ‘Bedroom Arts’ Activated!
I squeezed my eyes shut and decided to just go for it.
The next morning I left the completely drained Count sprawled where she lay and dragged my exhausted body out of the chieftain’s quarters.
“What the hell happened last night? I’ve never heard the Count make sounds like that!”
The Black Mountain Bandits who’d been eavesdropping outside until dawn crowded around, hungry for war stories. But it had been a first for me too.
My body had moved on its own, testing every one of the forty-eight positions.
The Count, utterly overwhelmed by my dazzling skill, had squealed all night like a sow in heat. Even after collapsing several times she somehow found the strength to keep climbing on top of me.
Which is why I had zero energy left this morning. I forced a smile, returned to the hut, and found Zhao Yun already awake and waiting for me.
“Zilong? You’re up early.”
“Did you sleep with that woman?”
“What kind of… You already know, so why ask?”
“Do you like her?”
“Where exactly did you hear what I said? I told you there are times you have to do it even if you don’t like someone.”
“She looked like she was enjoying herself a great deal. It was different from when she was with me.”
“…”
Well yeah—you got the Normal mode and she got the Skill. There was no way to explain it, so I just mumbled something vague.
“I simply did my best to achieve the goal.”
“You didn’t do your best with me? Was I… not good enough?”
“What are you even saying right now? That night was my first time, so for that moment I just treated you honestly, without any fancy tricks.”
“…”
It’s true. The chance came out of nowhere, but I never saw you as just a plaything.
If you hadn’t brought up Yu Chwi, I might already have fallen in love with you by now.
In that moment I gave it everything I had. I fretted that a first-timer like me wouldn’t be able to satisfy her, and I tried my hardest to make you happy.
“Why go that far? Is it because of the person I’m supposed to meet?”
“Let’s say yes, for now. Just as Yu Chwi was your master, that person is my master. For that master’s sake I can do this sort of thing as many times as necessary.”
“Does that master know you’re doing things like this?”
“…”
Of course not. If she found out she’d be disappointed. She might call me a filthy, disgusting bastard and never want to see me again.
“Keep it secret. Don’t tell my master a single thing you’ve seen here.”
“I don’t waste words on people I don’t know. And you’ll be dead soon enough, so no one will ever find out.”
“…”
Could you not say things like that with such a serious face? It really makes it sound like you genuinely want to kill me.
Five days later I returned to the Count’s quarters. They say the first time is the hardest and everything after is easy; once I started thinking of it as training a vicious dog instead of sex, I felt a little better.
“Hah… hah… That was good, Hoji. I think I’ve fallen in love with you. You’ll stay with me from now on, right?”
“O-of course. But Count? My divine power has actually returned. So… would it be all right if I read your fortune just once?”
“Really?”
The Count immediately threw herself into my arms. Holding back her sour body odor, I put on every theatrical flourish I could and pretended the spirit had entered me.
“Mmm… I see it, I see it. An opportunity for sudden wealth is visible.”
“Really? Where? When does it arrive?”
“To the south. There’s a county called Yawang. The new magistrate has stockpiled quite a bit of treasure. If you hit that place you’ll be able to live off it for a full year.”
“Yawang? That’s in Sili. If we touch that area the court won’t just sit still.”
The Black Mountain Bandits’ main hunting grounds were Bingzhou, Youzhou, and Jizhou.
Yawang was the closest place to the Taihang Mountains, but for someone who’d already received an official post to raid the capital region was basically asking to be killed.
“But you have to do it. For you, Count, this is a complete dead end. Raid Yawang’s storehouses and you gain enormous profit; miss this chance and you’ll have rotten luck for the rest of your life.”
“For real? Then what am I supposed to do? I can’t just ignore it.”
“Ever since Dong Zhuo seized power the whole realm has been in chaos, right? He’s so busy eliminating rivals he might overlook one little county getting cleaned out. And if we do that, I can keep giving you pleasure with a completely free mind.”
Chak chak chak… Before I’d even finished speaking I shoved four fingers into her lower body.
Aang~ Even after everything I’d already poured into her, fresh lust rose again; a grotesque moan burst from the Count’s mouth.
“Ang! Ang! Ahh… Y-you’re right. Listening to Hoji has never gone wrong yet. Fine—I’ll hit Yawang. But you’ll stay with me until tomorrow morning, right?”
“Of course!”
Just wait. I will repay this humiliation no matter what.
And so began the final stretch of raising the Count’s affection to the absolute maximum.
Hudeoldeol…
By the time I staggered out of the chieftain’s quarters my legs had completely given out. When I reached the hut, Zhao Yun was leaning against the wall watching me.
“Slept with that woman again?”
“This will probably be the last time. We’ll have to move the troops soon, so things will get busy.”
“Banditry?”
“Not banditry—we’re going to raid the county office of Yawang.”
“Why do something like that? Does your master know?”
“Of course. Because the place where my master is… is right there.”
“…?”
Zhao Yun didn’t understand at all. I stepped close and whispered into her ear.
“There’s something I need you to do for me.”
“I only move according to the promise. I protect you and nothing else.”
“When the battle starts, kill that woman.”
Unfortunately I still don’t have the strength to kill the Count myself. So I’d like you to do it in my place.
Whether Zhao Yun would accept was another question. According to her theory of promises—obsessive to the point of excess—this was straight-up murder beyond the terms of the contract.
“Understood.”
“…?”
Yet Zhao Yun answered without the slightest hesitation. As if she had been waiting for those words for a long time, she glared toward the chieftain’s quarters with an uncharacteristic hostility.
This girl… does she think killing the Count counts as “protecting me”?
On the last day of the lunar year, the Black Mountain Bandits of the Taihang stronghold finished breakfast early and set out on the expedition.
Three thousand strong. Even before the chaos of the age had truly begun, the fact that a mere mountain-stronghold chieftain like the Count could field that many troops was already broken.
The Taihang stronghold’s population was roughly fifteen thousand—not all men, of course; that number included every dependent family member.
But because banditry was their main occupation, they could mobilize like a Spartan-style military state.
Of course not all three thousand were combat troops. A thousand of them were a kind of supply unit that built a camp near Yawang and delivered military provisions.
No one knew how long the fighting might last, but if government troops counterattacked they would have to hide in the mountains and wage guerrilla warfare for several days.
By the time they reached the camp the sun was already sinking low. The Count fed the soldiers dinner and then sought me out.
“Can we finish this today? I brought provisions just in case, but I’d rather not linger in Sili any longer than necessary.”
“It’s a new-moon night, so the darkness is perfect for a night raid. I never imagined I’d be spending New Year’s Eve with you, Count.”
“Heh… Just New Year’s Eve? We’ll spend New Year’s Day and the whole first month of the next year together too—rolling around nice and sticky.”
“O-of course. Anyway, let’s clean out Yawang’s storehouses tonight.”
Sorry, but you won’t live to see next year’s first month. I stuck right beside the Count and checked Zhao Yun’s position.
“…”
She was gripping her spear and glaring at the Count as if she wanted to murder her on the spot. Confirming the target is fine, but don’t you think staring that openly is just asking for suspicion?
“Heh… Your girlfriend looks pretty angry. Well, we have been playing pretty hot lately.”
“M-maybe? But she’s not exactly clinging to me either. She just followed because she had nowhere else to go.”
“I know. It was way hotter with me than with her, wasn’t it?”
“…”
She knew? Embarrassing, but I laughed it off. At least the Count was accepting Zhao Yun’s hostility as natural; that was a relief.
Darkness fell. In the dead of night, with no moon and visibility zero, the Count summoned the deputy chieftains of the Taihang stronghold.
“We’ll split into three units. First, Gyeonbun—Dogshit—you raid the village. That’ll startle them into rushing out. Then Ubun—Cowshit—you hit the empty county office.”
“And you, Count?”
“Once most of them have run, I’ll go myself and divide the warehouse goods. That should do it, right?”
There was barely any strategy to speak of. One group would swarm the village like locusts, the other the county office.
The moment the two of them left, I slipped away from the Count and went to find Ubun.
“Ubun? The plan’s changed.”
“Huh? What do you mean—don’t go to the county office?”
“If they abandon the village and are waiting in ambush we might get blocked, right? There’s a hill east of the village. Go hide behind it for now.”
“Got it. Tell the Count I’ll contact her separately.”
True to a nobody who never even made the history books, the guy with Intelligence 32 fell for it instantly. Of course, two months of living as comrades and maxed affection probably helped.
Plus, because I was so close to the Count, the idea that I might be lying never even crossed his mind.
After sending Ubun off in the wrong direction I returned to my place. The Count eyed me suspiciously for having vanished so suddenly.
“Where’d you go, Hoji?”
“I really needed to piss, so I just stepped outside for a second…”
“Did you really go to piss? Looked like you followed Ubun.”
“That’s…”
Why suddenly start noticing things when you usually have the situational awareness of a rock? But it no longer mattered. The fuse was lit, and all that remained for them was crushing defeat.
“F-fire!”
“…?”
Right on cue a sentry burst in, gasping as if he were about to die. The Count asked,
“Fire? Where around here could catch fire?”
“Th-the mountain! There’s a fire near the camp! Could the enemy be attacking?”
“…!?”
Only then did the Count grasp the situation. She spun toward the mountain and, just as the sentry said, flames were rising from the direction of the camp.
“W-what do we do? If they attacked…”
“No! That’s jumping to conclusions, Count. The men left at the camp might just have let the cooking fire get out of hand. How about this instead? Send Gyeonbun’s unit that we dispatched to the village back to the camp, and we ourselves will raid the village.”
“W-would that work?”
“Of course. I’ll go tell Gyeonbun’s unit myself, so you prepare to move the troops.”
Panicked, the Count’s judgment was severely impaired. In situations like that the first thing that rises is usually carnal desire, not strategy.
Since I—already practically a god to her—suggested it, she swallowed the bait whole. I flew toward Gyeonbun’s unit.
“What’s going on all of a sudden? That fire—is that our camp?”
“That’s why the Count sent people to check. But a bigger problem just came up.”
“What?”
“Looks like the enemy caught wind of us early and hid their troops. The Count suspects the hill east of the village. She’s sending you, Gyeonbun, to wipe out whoever’s there.”
“G-got it. Tell me right away if anything happens!”
Gyeonbun, completely unaware of what I was plotting, thanked me and led his troops toward the eastern hill. Waiting for him there, of course, were Ubun’s men.
Now then—kill each other.