The Fig Fruit

Xiahou Yuan’s sudden interference had doomed the assassination of Dong Zhuo. Captured by Lü Bu and ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠teetering on the edge of merciless sexual torture, I was saved by a miracle—the New Moon rose.

How could I be this lucky? Simple. It wasn’t luck. It was skill.

Think about it for a second. Would I, of all people, really have transmigrated as a loyal Han subject and staked my life on killing Dong Zhuo?

Sure, Chosun’s devotion had moved me. But the whole mess was going to happen anyway—why should I take the fall for it?

I’d been willing to risk danger, which was already out of character, but I had never planned to gamble my life. The reason I pretended to fold under Chosun’s full-body assault and set the date for tonight was simple.

I already knew the New Moon would rise today.

Heh heh… I haven’t even touched the stats yet, but I can already see it. Every single way out of this impregnable palace prison is laid bare before my eyes!

“…?”

A completely new message popped up. Ability points increased? ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠What was that supposed to mean?

Did the system retroactively convert experience every time a season passed and level me up? Did that mean I didn’t have to stay a White-Haired Failure anymore?

“….”

If you’re going to raise them, raise them properly. A measly five? Just one point each to Leadership, Strength, Intelligence, Politics, and Charisma?

Sure, in a percentile system a five-point gap can change your entire tier. But going from White-Haired Failure (total under 100) to White-Haired Failure Plus Five still isn’t worth bragging about to anyone.

Shake it off…

Think positive. In other words, I can now push any single stat all the way to the absolute cap of 100.

With a little gear help, I could even trade blows with Lü Bu. If I felt like it, I could become Zhuge Liang and speak nothing but 100 % correct statements.

I immediately reallocated everything into the perfect jailbreak build. The frozen moment resumed, and Xiahou Yuan spoke.

“What about the New Moon?”

“It’s a pitch-black night without even moonlight. Perfect weather for an escape, so we’re not completely out of luck either.”

“Bullshit… No matter what cute tricks you pull, you’re not getting any medicine. I’m already seriously worked up, so let’s finish what we started…”

Clink!

Xiahou Yuan’s mouth snapped shut. Hanging from my finger was a familiar round ring—and the key attached to it.

“Th-that’s a key! Where the hell did you get that?”

“You really think I walked in here with zero preparation?”

“That doesn’t make sense. They strip-searched me thoroughly before we came in. You’re telling me you not only stole this huge thing from a guard but also hid it the whole time?”

“That’s why I told you not to take any drugs. I’m walking out of here right now, so would you mind stepping aside? If you want to tag along, I won’t stop you.”

“….”

Xiahou Yuan was stunned. She was right—stealing a key this big and keeping it hidden until now was realistically impossible.

But sometimes miracles happen that your eyes refuse to believe. I shoved the gaping Xiahou Yuan aside and checked my status window.

Heh heh… I knew it would be there. Zuo Ci, together with Nanhua Laoxian and Yu Ji, is one of the Three Great Immortals of the Three Kingdoms. Unlike Nanhua who only gets name-dropped or Yu Ji who eventually dies at Sun Ce’s hands, Zuo Ci walks straight into Cao Cao’s heartland, mocks him to his face, and strolls out unharmed—the absolute master of escape.

In an instant I had turned the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠genre into a xianxia novel. Sure, the skill had a twenty-day cooldown and only lasted a single day—complete garbage efficiency—but for getting out of this place tonight it was more than enough.

Creeeak…

While Lü Bu was still sweating buckets heating the branding iron for my rear, one clean click opened the cell door. Xiahou Yuan followed me out in a daze.

Whoosh!

We ducked behind the wall at the end of the corridor. In the distance two jailers were shooting the breeze.

“You see that bitch? Beaten to hell, but her skin was still crazy white and soft.”

“She’s gonna be interrogated for a few more days. If we slip in and have our fun then, nobody’ll ever know, right?”

Of course they were brainstorming how to violate Xiahou Yuan. She immediately whispered in my ear.

I’m going to kill those bastards.

Kill them? They’re just following Dong Zhuo’s orders.

Didn’t you hear them? Those lowlifes dare to lust after this Miaocai?

Let’s just call it the inevitable fate of being too beautiful. The second they drop, snatch their weapons.

Why would they drop? There’s no reason for them to fall.

There might be. Say, if they suddenly stepped on a rotten fig fruit…

…?

Squelch!

The words had barely left my mouth when both jailers stepped on rotten figs at the exact same moment and did mid-air somersaults. With twin cries of “Whoa!” they sprawled out, completely dazed. Now was the chance.

Whoosh! Whoosh!

Xiahou Yuan seized their weapons, crossed the twin blades, and pressed them to the men’s throats. They had never dreamed a prisoner could escape and were now paralyzed with terror.

“Don’t move! You dare insult this Xiahou Miaocai? Feeling like pissing yourself sitting down from today on?”

“P-please spare us!”

She talked tough, but she clearly had no real intention of killing them. More importantly, if we walked around dripping blood while carrying weapons it would only draw suspicion.

We locked the two jailers in our cell instead, put on their uniforms, and walked out of the prison.

“How the hell did you do that just now? The second you finished talking they both stepped on rotten figs and went down?”

“Are you stupid? I didn’t make it happen by saying it. Didn’t it ever occur to you that I saw the rotten figs and simply predicted what would happen?”

“I-is that it? But why are there fig fruits in a prison?”

Xiahou Yuan still looked confused, tilting her head. She wasn’t wrong.

Impossible things kept happening, but she had no idea I had become an immortal overnight, so of course her brain was short-circuiting.

The real problem started now. Whether it was some security measure for prisoners or not, the corridors twisted like a labyrinth and finding the exit was no joke.

“Why is this so complicated? It’s a total maze.”

“Don’t worry. Just follow me.”

“…?”

I took the lead and navigated without a single hesitation. Watching me, Xiahou Yuan trailed behind and asked,

“You know the way? You’ve only ever lived in the palace—you’ve never even been here.”

“I saw it when we came in earlier.”

“You still remember all that? Were you always this smart?”

Heh heh… Think I dumped everything into Intelligence for nothing? Immortal power is a one-day disposable skill.

Once it ends I’m back to being a Strength-2 piece of trash who can’t handle Dong Zhuo’s pursuit squads.

Of course I have Liu Bei’s special ability Run Away equipped, so even at Strength 2 the chance of dying is basically zero. Still, to shake them off as fast as possible I need the cunning of a divine strategist.

Miraculously I found the exit without a single wrong turn. The moment we opened the door and stepped out, a freezing wind hit us—winter had already arrived.

“What the hell? Why are you two coming out?”

The problem was the Imperial Guards stationed at the entrance. The two of them flinched and checked our faces.

“Something’s off. Why does your face look like that?”

Even with the duty cap pulled low, the wounds on Xiahou Yuan’s face couldn’t be completely hidden. The moment they grew suspicious she grabbed her sword hilt.

If this continued there would be blood. I thrust my finger out and pointed behind them.

“Look over there! A cat is walking across the completely frozen pond!”

“That doesn’t make any—wait, a cat is actually walking on the pond!?”

Both guards instinctively turned their heads in the direction of my finger. Sure enough, a cat was daintily strolling across the ice.

Now! Knock them out!

Crack!

Xiahou Yuan snatched both their heads and clapped them together. The guards collapsed like deflated balloons, out ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠cold.

Whew… That was close. Now we just change into their Imperial Guard uniforms, pull the helmets down deep, and no one will suspect a thing.

Then it happened.

Whoosh!

I felt a cold blade press against my neck. When I rolled my eyes sideways, Xiahou Yuan was glaring at me with wide eyes, sword tip at my throat.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

“How did you pull that off just now? It’s only October—how is the pond already frozen? Even if it was, a cat appearing the second you speak is ridiculous!”

“What is this… Looks like the will of Heaven is favoring you. Cao Cao may abandon you, but Heaven itself never will. Something like that?”

“I-is that it? Weird… Something still doesn’t add up…”

Xiahou Yuan was suffering a full-blown worldview crisis. I was spouting nonsense even a child wouldn’t buy, yet it somehow carried such persuasive force that she couldn’t help but be swayed.

Heh heh… This is the majesty of Intelligence 100. Before, no matter how hard I stuck to pure facts and logic, nobody believed me. Now even pure demagoguery and fabrication become immutable truth.

“Anyway, just change clothes. Once we’re disguised as Imperial Guards no one will question us.”

Second disguise complete—Imperial Guards again. Destination: east.

Shashashak…

The darkness was thick enough that movement was unrestricted. More importantly, the entire Imperial Guard force was on high alert, so even if we looked a little flustered no one paid attention.

Look over there. Judging by that guy’s uniform he’s pretty high-ranking.

Just as Xiahou Yuan said, the eastern gate was crawling with Imperial Guards. With the palace under full emergency, everyone was busy thoroughly checking anyone coming or going.

If we tried to leave without a legitimate reason they would definitely get suspicious. This was the final checkpoint.

Follow me.

I strode straight toward the eastern gate. Xiahou Yuan, still uneasy even with the helmet on, kept her head bowed and followed close behind.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

As expected, a commander blocked us from casually passing through the eastern gate. Xiahou Yuan quickly hid behind me while I spoke with perfect calm.

“You don’t know who I am?”

“What do you mean… You’re wearing Imperial Guard uniforms, so you’re Imperial Guards, aren’t you?”

“What’s the job of the Imperial Guards? Protect the palace and the Son of Heaven, right? Of course we can’t forget one more person—Grand Preceptor Dong.”

“What does that have to do with—”

“You dense bastard, zero situational awareness. I am the blade that protects Grand Preceptor Dong, the peerless hero he cherishes like a son. The man who has already switched masters twice when most people struggle to serve even one—Lü Fengxian of Bing Province!”

“L-Lord Lü?”

The commander trembled and stepped back at the mere name “Lü Bu.” After all, the hero who saved Dong Zhuo’s life just today was now known by everyone.

“I’m under Grand Preceptor Dong’s orders to search for clues about those bastards. So move.”

“Y-yes sir. I was only trying to carry out the Grand Preceptor’s commands…”

“I know that. From now on, if anyone tries to leave this place, cut their head off no matter the reason. Even if it’s Grand Preceptor Dong himself.”

“What? Even if it’s the Grand Preceptor, how could I—”

I don’t care, you idiot. I shoved him aside and tried to walk through the eastern gate.

The reason I said “tried” is because I actually failed to get out.

“Who the hell are these two trying to leave the gate?”

“….”

To my shock, a man was walking toward us from the very eastern gate we needed to exit. Over eight chi tall, expression blank, one hand gripping a halberd and the other holding a red-hot branding iron.

Of all people, the real Lü Bu had appeared. Even with Intelligence maxed at 100, my luck was still trash.

“Th-there are two Lord Lüs!”

Obviously I was currently using transformation arts to look exactly like Lü Bu. The moment the real one showed up right in front of us, everyone fell into total panic.

“You fools! What are your eyes for? How can you be deceived by a fake like that?”

“No, I’m the real Lü Bu. What are you all doing? Seize that bastard and rip his asshole out right now!”

When Lü Bu flared up first, I deliberately matched his energy and fired right back. The soldiers, who could only see two identical people, were simply confused.

“I don’t know how this bastard did it, but don’t be fooled. How dare you imitate me—what the hell are you?”

Meanwhile the real Lü Bu, who had just been plagiarized, was more furious than ever and looked ready to tear me apart on the spot. Legend says doppelgängers instinctively try to kill each other for survival, so it made sense.

“I’m the real Lü Bu, what are you talking about? Can you even prove you’re Lü Bu?”

“I am Lü Bu—why should I prove myself? If you’re so curious, the greatest martial arts under heaven will be the proof. I’ll take your head in a single stroke!”

Lü Bu whooshed his Sky Piercer Halberd free. The Strength gap between us was a full 103. Still completely unfazed, I addressed everyone.

“Ha, fuck… I was wondering who stole the halberd—it was this bastard. Hey! A thief has been walking in and out of the palace and you’ve been doing jack shit until now?”

“Who stole whose halberd? This is mine!”

“Oh yeah? Got any proof it’s yours?”

“I’ve used this halberd for ten years—what proof do I need?”

“Then you’re not Lü Bu. The real Lü Bu would have at least written his name on it just in case he lost it.”

“Is this guy insane? Who in the world writes their name on a halberd?”

Ordinary soldiers might manage their gear that way. But someone of Lü Bu’s caliber would never do something so childish.

“I wrote mine. You there—go check what’s written on the very bottom of the shaft.”

The commander immediately approached Lü Bu. Of course Lü Bu wouldn’t hand over the halberd, so the man focused his eyes from a short distance.

“I-it’s there! There really is a name! It says… ‘I, Lü Bu, Am the Handsomest Man Under Heaven’!”

“…!?”

Snicker… Instantly uncontrollable laughter erupted from every direction. Lü Bu, half-doubting, checked his own halberd.

And what was he supposed to do when the name was actually written there? Lü Bu’s ears turned bright red with shame and his eyes bulged.

“Th-this can’t be. There’s no way I would write something like this!”

“What are you all waiting for? Beat that fake bastard down already!”

Shing!

But the power of “truth” always wins. Once I personally presented the evidence, the Imperial Guards no longer hesitated and leveled their spears and swords at Lü Bu.

“You lot have all gone mad! Fine! I’ll show you myself who I am!”

Whoooosh!

Lü Bu swung his halberd at empty air. At the same time the soldiers also stabbed and cursed at completely wrong directions.

“Die, you fake Lü Bu!”

“You bastards! Shut your mouths!”

Total chaos erupted. Why were they suddenly acting like that?

No matter how desperate my situation, I couldn’t just let innocent soldiers get massacred by Lü Bu. So I created illusions for each of them, and now they were all thrashing at empty space.

Xiahou Yuan couldn’t hold back her overflowing curiosity any longer.

“Why are they suddenly thrusting at thin air?”

“It’s the New Moon. Too dark to see properly, I guess. Anyway, let’s slip out while they’re busy.”

“S-something still feels weird…”

Weird or not, just follow me. And so we casually passed through the eastern gate and left the palace behind.