Peerless Warrior vs. Psychopath
“Oh. So. You’re Cao Pi, huh. The traitor who usurped the Han! This old man—the Peerless Warrior who can face ten thousand—has come to teach you some manners!”
“So you’re Zhang Fei. Just as I’ve heard—your vulgarity is unmatched under heaven. That filth alone would be more than enough to face ten thousand. One look at your manners and that face of yours is all the proof I need.”
Hmm. I thought an emperor would keep at least a shred of dignity, but I guess a psychopath’s mind really does work differently.
Zhang Fei, a man who never lost a contest of insults, fired right back.
“Ha! Vulgarity, you say! Who under heaven can match the vulgarity of the man who swallowed the Han whole? To devour a nation with your own two hands—do you not fear Heaven?”
“The likes of you, lecturing me on Heaven? Heaven itself discarded that rotten Han, and it was the Han that betrayed Heaven’s will! That I inherited the realm and ascended the throne—that is Heaven’s will! As expected, you’re nothing but a common brute with common courage! What would a mere military officer like you understand, anyway?”
“Common courage, is it! Have you ever even tried to imitate that common courage? I followed our Majesty—Liu Bei—from the Yellow Turban Rebellion onward, cutting down countless enemies and taking the heads of enemy generals. What can you do on this battlefield besides wag that three-cun tongue of yours? If not, then come out here and settle it with me! No need for tens of thousands to suffer—just the two of us, to the end!”
At Zhang Fei’s provocation, Xu Chu and Deng Zhan each gripped their weapons, but Cao Pi made no move to draw his sword and charge.
“As expected, you’re nothing but a common brute whose eyes see only the fight right in front of him. At the age of eight I already learned mounted archery and took part in countless campaigns. When Zhang Xiu betrayed us at ten, my elder brother Cao Ang and my cousin Cao Anmin fell—yet I escaped on horseback. What were you doing at ten? Playing war games in the neighborhood, nothing more?”
“Ha! In the end you just turned tail and ran, didn’t you! I’ve heard that no matter how much you flap your mouth, in martial skill you can’t match Cao Zhang, and in letters you can’t match Cao Zhi. Stop babbling and talk about real achievements! At Changban I drove back Cao Cao’s army with a single roar; at Ba Commandery I took Yan Yan alive; at Dangqu I smashed Zhang He to pieces. Do you even have any real experience of war?”
“War! To you, war is nothing more than riding a horse and killing the enemy in front of your nose. Of course. You’re just a half-wit general who knows how to do nothing else. To me, war is everything I do. How many books have you read? When conducting the great affairs of state, do you know how to appoint officials? Can you calculate how much matériel is required? Do you know with whom to make peace and with whom to trade? That is my duty in sustaining the nation—and that, too, is war! No—the throne I sit upon is a weight far heavier than the word ‘war’ can carry! It cannot be compared to the burden of a mere general!”
Cao Pi poured out words that were almost a speech, yet Zhang Fei did not so much as blink.
“You’re completely drunk on self-praise and running wild without knowing your place. A thief who stole a country, already talking about the weight of the throne? You only sat there because you lay down and swallowed everything the traitor Cao Cao prepared for you! A man who can’t do a single thing himself, talking about appointing officials and the great affairs of state? Even dogs would laugh!”
“You’re the one who’s nothing but a chess piece moved wherever Liu Bei tells you to go—a dog! Stop this nonsense and kneel to me this instant. Do you think I might even grant you some post on the frontier? Better to kneel before that rotten country of yours collapses!”
Zhang Fei clapped his hands and roared with laughter.
“Hahaha! Didn’t you just ask me how many books I’d read? Have you ever properly read even a single book yourself? The ancient King Yu of Xia rose ten times during a single meal to receive guests, and if a visitor came while he was bathing he would bind up his hair and come out to greet them. Do you think that kind of behavior will make me kneel? Even the retainers you already have would walk out on you!”
Cao Pi snorted and answered.
“So you’ve managed to pick up a few lines somewhere. But it’s nothing but rote memorization—no insight. Can’t you see the terms I’ve offered? Terms offered by a great power beyond the imagination of your petty state—can’t you see them?”
“Ha! Those are the terms you hold out to me? Haven’t you even heard of the Peach Garden Oath of us three brothers? No condition you offer could ever drive a wedge between us. And while we’re on the subject—I hear you treated your own blood brothers like dogs. How terrified were you that your younger brothers might earn merit, that you poured wine down their throats and kept them off the battlefield? A man who abandoned loyalty, benevolence, and even human bonds, strutting around in an emperor’s skin—I’m so appalled I can barely speak. I only pity the people who had to suffer under you.”
There it is. That Cao Pi had treated his younger brothers—Cao Zhi among them—and even their subordinates with extreme cruelty was by now reasonably well known.
Zhang Fei had dragged it out into the open. It was a rather sensitive subject—how would Cao Pi react?
“Loyalty, benevolence—what are those empty notions supposed to be? It’s because you cling to such things that have no substance that people call you a common brute. Do you even understand what competition for the throne is? It is another kind of war. And what is war? To win, you must cast aside every filthy sentiment. If I do not devour them, I will be the one who is eaten!”
Wow. He’s completely shameless. How does he say that without changing color even a little… I clicked my tongue inwardly, but Zhang Fei’s voice never wavered.
“You did that to brothers who share your blood, and you feel not a shred of remorse? Isn’t having at least that much human feeling the bare minimum of decency?”
“As I already said—that is another form of war, and of political struggle! Once you step onto the battlefield, whether you take a spear from the front or fall to a scheme from behind, you must be prepared for all of it. The one at fault is the man who enters the battlefield without even that resolve.”
“Listening to you, you sound like a man mad for war and mad for the throne. Seeing you sit on that seat even after abandoning every scrap of benevolence and righteousness—I almost pity you now. Keep it up and you won’t die a natural death either.”
“Benevolence and righteousness that you can’t eat or wear—throw them to the dogs. In this age of chaos, power is benevolence and authority is righteousness. Only with power can you protect a country and protect people.”
“An emperor holding such half-witted thoughts—the people of Wei will beat the ground and wail.”
“That a worthless man like you is playing the part of a senior general is the real disaster for Shu!”
Until now their verbal duel had proceeded with a certain… restraint. But then—
“Your father Cao Cao was a madman too, but at least the last time I saw him he kept some dignity. You’re worse than a street thug. Could it be you’ve been mistaken about who your mother and father really were all this time?”
“You’re the one who goes around calling yourself Yan Man Zhang Fei—are you sure you’re not just boasting about a dog’s pedigree? You, your parents, and every generation above them are clearly rootless nobodies.”
“I’ll send you to your father’s side in this war, so you can ask him yourself whether he really sired you!”
“You go to the underworld and wail when you discover a lunatic somewhere in your ancestry!”
Cao Pi never yielded a single line to Zhang Fei; he answered every insult without pause. Their quarrel was truly evenly matched—dragon against tiger.
The two of them never stopped talking; my ears were starting to hurt.
Yu Eun, listening from behind, seemed to take mental damage just from hearing it—his face kept turning yellow, then pale, then yellow again. With his upright, proper nature, even listening to such language was pure agony.
Yet the two of them only flushed a little; they barely paused for breath as their mouths kept moving.
“Just wait! This old man Zhang Fei will personally grab you by the scruff and drag you down!”
“Before that, you’d better worry whether your own head is still attached.”
Their exchange finally ended only after nearly thirty minutes. Only after Zhang Fei and Cao Pi had each traded one last round of curses did they finally turn their horses.
“Whew. It’s over…”
Beside me, Yu Eun pressed his temples and let out a long sigh.
“General, shall we return?”
“Yes.”
I rode back to the army with Zhang Fei and Yu Eun. The faces of the subordinate generals waiting behind us were also pale; that conversation had been as good as violence.
Wu Ban managed to open his mouth.
“Cao Pi’s venom is formidable. He came prepared.”
It was the first time they had seen anyone answer Zhang Fei’s poison tongue blow for blow, and the subordinate generals looked quite tense. On the surface it seemed Cao Pi’s intention had worked—but…
“Not necessarily. That bastard lost.”
For a man who had just traded such furious insults, Zhang Fei was remarkably calm. He even smiled a little.
“Pardon?”
I gave a slight nod, but the other generals tilted their heads. Zhang Fei continued.
“General Jin seems to understand.”
“Yes. Cao Pi came out as emperor, but General Zhang stepped forward as a general.”
Zhang Fei nodded once.
“Exactly as General Jin says. Just as that bastard put it—I’m only a mere general. And I’m already well known as a ruffian who spouts that kind of abuse all the time. You all think so too, don’t you?”
“Eh? Haha…”
The subordinate generals couldn’t answer and only laughed awkwardly.
“If I go out front and spout nonsense, everyone just thinks, ‘Well, that’s just how he is.’ But Cao Pi is different. A man who calls himself emperor went and acted like the same kind of ruffian I am—so filth has been splashed on the name of the Son of Heaven. He threw away an emperor’s dignity just to win a shouting match with me. If he’d actually broken me, it might have been different.”
“Ahh.”
The subordinate generals’ faces showed they were beginning to understand.
“And that’s not the end of it. Earlier I brought up what he did to his younger brother Cao Zhi. He answered brazenly enough. From his point of view that may be natural—but will everyone else see it that way? There may be those who take it badly, even those who start to rebel. If nothing comes of it, good for him.”
After Zhang Fei’s explanation, the subordinate generals’ expressions brightened considerably. Wu Ban asked hesitantly,
“Then, General… did you foresee all of that when you went out?”
“How could anyone foresee all of that? It just turned out that way while I was talking. All right, enough of this. Let’s go back and properly plan how we’re going to fight them.”
“Yes, sir!”
Zhang Fei and I returned to the command tent and began deliberating how to face the enemy.