The Deserter's Declaration
While the Yellow Turbans at the front were being mercilessly trampled by infantry from the front and cavalry from behind, Deng Mu, commanding from the rear, refused to accept defeat and flew into a mad rage.
"Twenty thousand… We had twenty thousand men!! How could more than twenty thousand of you fail to push back fewer than three thousand infantry and end up like this?!"
"Commander! This is no time for that! We have to retreat right now!"
"It's not over yet… Not yet! We still have five thousand left. If we link up with the forces ahead…."
"Commander, please…! Those men are already broken! We need to run for Jizhou while we still can. Hurry!"
"Uwaaaaah!! Fuck!!!!"
Deng Mu kicked innocent soldiers in helpless fury. The plan had been perfect. If either their pincer attack had crushed the enemy cavalry or their vastly superior infantry had annihilated the smaller enemy force, victory would have been theirs. Instead the cavalry had collapsed without holding the line, and the infantry—despite their numbers—had done nothing but flee. There was no longer a single place left in Youzhou where the Yellow Turbans could make a stand.
"Even if we run to Jizhou like this, how are we supposed to survive?! Showing up in front of that bastard Zhang Jue in this state will only get us turned into spell ingredients… No! We can't go like this!"
"It's only a rumor! Whether he actually uses sorcery or not, we won't know until we see it ourselves! Let's escape first and worry about the rest later. Quickly!"
"Damn it…."
Yes. Survive first, then think about what comes next. When Deng Mu finally forced his regret-heavy feet to move, the surrounding Yellow Turbans' faces brightened at once and they began preparing to flee. This humiliation would be repaid without fail. With that hollow vow, he mounted his horse, but—
"C-Commander!!! Something's coming from behind us!"
Now even survival itself was slipping away.
"Is it the suppression army?! The suppression army?!"
"I don't know! Their uniforms are different!"
"Ugh… I'm busy retreating to Jizhou, so take some men and go check! Hurry!"
"M-Me?"
"Hurry!"
Pressed by a terrified Deng Mu, the underling made a reluctant face and took roughly a thousand subordinates to halt the unidentified soldiers.
"Halt! Who do you think you—"
"Out of the way, brat."
-Shiiing!
"Graaaaagh!!!"
Instead of an answer, a woman who had sliced the man to pieces. Looking closer, she wielded an enormous crescent blade. Unfortunately for Deng Mu, their identity was the Liu Bei army, aiming for the Yellow Turban leader's head in the chaos.
"All troops! Break through exactly as we are!"
"Big Sister! Leave the leader's head to Little Sister and let's finish slaughtering the rest of these bastards!"
"Yun Chang! Are you sure you'll be all right alone?!"
"It is more than sufficient. Hya!"
"Be careful!"
While Liu Bei and Zhang Fei held back the swarming Yellow Turbans, Guan Yu slipped through with only a small group of cavalry. Deng Mu, already terrified by the sudden enemy attack from the rear, had frozen in place trembling—until his eyes met Guan Yu's.
"So you are the leader of these bandits…. I, Yun Chang, challenge the bandit chief to single combat! If you possess any honor, state your name and receive my blade!"
Before Deng Mu could even reply, Yun Chang flashed a fierce smile and charged. His subordinates tried to block her, but each swing of the crescent blade sent limbs flying like leaves. Sometimes a head would tumble across the ground. In no time the men around him were either dead or fleeing, and the blood-drenched Guan Yu turned her gaze toward Deng Mu.
"How long do you intend to send only your subordinates?! If you have courage, face me yourself. …If not, then I shall come to you!"
The sight of a long-haired, blood-soaked woman glaring as she charged forward was the stuff of nightmares. Of course Deng Mu had no idea what a horror movie was, but he screamed exactly like the heroine of one and ran for his life.
After sacrificing countless subordinates, Deng Mu barely managed to escape Guan Yu. Only about four hundred men remained at his side. Ahead lay the suppression army massacring the fleeing Yellow Turban remnants. Behind raced a crazy bitch wielding a crescent blade. All around them rose the stench of rotting corpses. He had hidden for now, but discovery was only a matter of time.
Biting his nails while desperately searching for an escape route, Deng Mu suddenly felt a wave of pure resentment. Fuck. After spending years wiping that bastard Jung Won-ji's ass and finally rising to commander, he had gone from leader of the Youzhou Yellow Turbans to a fugitive in a single night.
While other bastards lived in luxury, he had suffered endlessly. Just when he thought his luck was finally turning, this was what happened! Even if he reached Jizhou safely, those damned superiors would seize every last asset he had left, leaving him a beggar again. He had already lived that life once. They expected him to live it again? It was too unfair to endure.
He would rather die than go back to groveling like before. Deng Mu now found himself shouting the very words his robbery victims used to scream when they fought back. With the resolve to take at least one enemy with him to the grave, he burst from hiding. In the distance, on a hill, a woman sat drinking tea.
On this battlefield? He rubbed his eyes and pinched his forearm, but the image refused to vanish. It was undeniably real. His expression of disbelief slowly twisted into pure rage. When he glanced back at his men, they wore the same expression. Fuck! While some people were running for their lives until their bones ached, that bitch was calmly sipping tea?!
Of course, it was his own fault for living as a bandit in the first place, but Deng Mu and his subordinates still felt it was unbearably unfair. Looking closer, only a handful of guards protected her. If they played it right… No, they could definitely kill them. Thinking with a slightly cooler head, hadn't both commanders of the suppression army been women? That bitch had to be one of them.
Life returned to Deng Mu's eyes, which had been clouded by despair. If he could capture that woman and use her as a hostage, escaping this place wouldn't be a dream. And if he brought her to Zhang Jue in Jizhou? Though they had lost Youzhou, capturing an enemy commander might earn them some leniency. Besides, she was quite beautiful.
Even if she ended up as a sacrificial offering for sorcery in Jizhou, at least he would have a pretty woman to keep him company on the journey. The nights wouldn't be lonely. In every way, it was worth the attempt.
And so Deng Mu crept forward on silent feet, then suddenly sprang up and charged.
"Fuck!!!! Fuuuuck!!! You think this Deng Mu will just lie down and take it?! Even if I die, I'm taking that bitch who's drinking tea on the battlefield with me!!!"
"M-My Lady!!! It's dangerous!!!!"
The man commanding the infantry in the distance shouted in alarm. So that woman really was his master…. Ah, right. Wasn't the battle ruined because of that bastard? Hahahahaha!!! Son of a bitch! Just looking at him made Deng Mu feel refreshed.
Startled by the sudden assault, the guards drew their swords in panic while the woman dropped her teacup and toppled backward out of her chair. The guards tried to protect her, but they were too few and fell quickly. Now only the woman remained.
"You… you vulgar creatures, how dare you… Do you even know who I am?!"
"Who else would you be? A crazy bitch drinking tea on a battlefield. What's that… honey water?"
Even while terrified, the woman glared with venomous eyes, but it only looked ridiculous. The moment the man in front laughed at her and reached out his hand—
-Whoooosh!! …Thud!!!
"Grrruuuugh…."
A spear flew in from nowhere and punched straight through the man's skull, killing him before he could even scream.
"W-Who are you!!!"
"…Huh? Why is he coming this way?"
Instead of answering, the spear's owner appeared with a dumbfounded mutter. A young man approached at a leisurely trot from afar, the sound of hooves relaxed and unhurried. Had he only just become an adult? His face still carried the last traces of youthful down, yet he was handsome enough to make one's stomach turn.
"Who the hell are you?!"
***
Isn't that the bastard Guan Yu had been searching for with fire in her eyes earlier? He had been too far in the rear to see the face clearly, but the obviously expensive armor had left an impression.
…Then he must be the commander? His dream of deserting wasn't over yet!
They say heaven helps those who help themselves. No—if heaven had truly been helping him, he wouldn't have gotten his head smashed from both ends and ended up possessed in this shitty game in the first place.
Whether that bastard had sent him here or he had slipped on an onahole and somehow arrived, he didn't know…. But one thing was certain: right now, heaven was on his side.
If he missed this chance, it would truly be the end. First, an introduction. He would make it as loud and theatrical as possible so everyone could hear.
"…Your main camp!!! I!!! Burned!!! And avenged my parents' deaths!!!… or so I thought, yet I cannot believe you bastards are still rampaging across this land! I! Bang Yeol!!! Last night!!! Alone!!! Killed!!! Your leader!!! The enemy of my family!!! Jung Won-ji!!!… or so I thought, yet here you are still pretending to be commanders with nothing but remnants… Have you no shame?!"
He had shouted the important parts at the top of his lungs.
…That should have reached everyone nearby, right? Please remember it clearly and spread the word. That way people would call him a filial son.
"…You! So you're the one who attacked our main camp! Goddamn it… Killing Jung Won-ji should have been enough. Why are you interfering with us again?!"
You're even repeating it for free? Thanks for the advertisement.
Ignoring the man who glared at him, he turned toward the woman still seated behind. At a glance she wore unmistakably expensive armor. Her face looked as though it had never known hardship—perfectly matched to armor that had never tasted a blade.
But what was she doing all the way out here on the verge of death… Wait, what is this? Why are there a chair and table on the battlefield? …A teacup? Don't tell me this crazy woman had been sitting here drinking tea?
No, that's not tea… it's honey water….
Honey water? …Yesterday Zhang Fei had said the suppression army commanders were Cao Cao and Yuan Shu, right?
"There, commoner. What are you doing? I'll permit it even if your hands become dirty, so help me up. A handkerchief would be nice, but… no, it's obvious what sort of handkerchief you would carry. A handkerchief is acceptable. Something like your handkerchief would only make me filthier, wouldn't it?"
Ah. She wasn't wearing her imperial outfit, so he hadn't recognized her for a moment. That bitch's face was impossible to forget. After all, he had come to this world after jerking off to it.
…Should he just abandon her?