I Don’t Know. (1)
Baek Cheon bit down on his lip.
Was this something he had never considered before? No, that couldn’t be right.
He had thought about it. He knew people living under the Evil Tyrant Alliance’s rule in Jiangnan would suffer, and he knew their suffering would be greater than anything he had imagined.
But thinking about something and truly understanding it were not the same thing, and understanding it did not carry the same weight as experiencing it firsthand.
Until he had seen their lives with his own eyes, until he had felt in his own skin the thoughts they lived with each day, all those words had simply drifted through his mind, vague and hollow.
But now he knew.
He knew that what he or anyone else had casually reduced to a single word like “hardship” was, for those who lived it, a threat they could feel against their skin. A fear so deep they had to crush their own feelings down and bow their heads in humiliation just to survive it.
Im So-byeong glanced at Baek Cheon’s expression, then shrugged.
“Of course, I’m not saying it’s the Acting Sect Leader’s fault or anything like that, but—”
“It isn’t.”
With a bitter look, Baek Cheon shook his head.
“It isn’t because I’m the Mount Hua Acting Sect Leader. I proudly claimed that I took up my sword for the common people, yet I never understood what their real lives were like. That is unquestionably my fault.”
“...Why do you always land on a conclusion like that?”
Im So-byeong scratched his head, looking awkward.
He had only wanted to explain the reality of what the people in Jiangnan were going through because it seemed like Baek Cheon didn’t fully grasp it, and somehow it had turned into him lecturing Baek Cheon about righteousness. That left him embarrassed.
“I... I know I’m not really in a position to say this. So please don’t think I’m being too presumptuous...”
As if sensing that feeling, Baek Cheon smiled gently.
“Don’t worry. Even Confucius, they say, diligently learned from a child and accepted the child as his teacher. That doesn’t mean Confucius was beneath the child. He simply sought knowledge.”
“Oh. You read the Three Character Classic?”
Im So-byeong brightened at once. It was surprising, and oddly pleasing, to hear an allusion to Confucius coming out of the mouths of these Mount Hua fools.
Baek Cheon chuckled and nodded.
“If even Confucius could learn from a child, then why should I not learn from a bandit?”
“What, you little—?”
Green Forest King was just about to explode in outrage and curse him out, when Baek Cheon suddenly turned his head to look at Hyeong-uk.
“I’m sorry.”
When he bowed his head so abruptly, Hyeong-uk was startled and hurried to stop him.
“W-why are you apologizing, warrior? What have you done wrong to deserve that...?”
Baek Cheon did not list every mistake he had made. It would have been pointless. Instead, he offered a single promise.
“It won’t take long.”
“...”
“The rule of the Evil Tyrant Alliance has a fundamental limitation. However long the night may be, dawn will come eventually.”
That was a promise he was making to himself as well.
“I’ll do everything I can to bring that dawn a little sooner.”
Hyeong-uk answered with a bright smile.
“Thank you! Thank you so much, warrior!”
“Yes. We will work even harder, so please don’t abandon hope.”
Baek Cheon tried his best to convey his resolve to Hyeong-uk. But then—
“Tch.”
Im So-byeong’s flat click of the tongue cut him off.
Baek Cheon turned in confusion, but Im So-byeong was no longer even looking at him. Staring straight at Hyeong-uk, he spoke in a dry voice.
“I think you’ve misunderstood something.”
“...Pardon?”
“I’m not that kind of man, but the handsome fellow standing right in front of you there isn’t the type to lose his temper and wash his hands of things just because he’s annoyed or plans went wrong. Just look at his face if you don’t believe me.”
“...”
“So don’t bother trying to smooth things over. Tell him what you really think. That’ll help a lot more. This man is far more impressive than you think.”
Hyeong-uk looked a little flustered and stammered.
“I-I don’t know what you mean. I’m only speaking honestly...”
“Who knows? Maybe if you say what’s really in your heart, this situation will improve a day sooner.”
Hyeong-uk glanced cautiously at Baek Cheon. Still hesitating, he looked out the door, then stared for a long while at the people busily ladling out rice to everyone. His expression shifted, complex and uncertain.
Realizing something, Baek Cheon spoke with a hardened face.
“Please.”
“...Pardon?”
“I’m not asking this simply because I want to feel as though I’ve helped someone. If I am to walk the proper path, then knowing the truth as it is matters. So... please. Tell me exactly what is on your mind.”
“N-no. My real feelings are...”
“Please.”
Baek Cheon bowed deeply. Startled, Hyeong-uk quickly grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back up.
By then Jo Geol, Yoon Jong, Namgung Dowi, and even Tang Pae had arrived, only to take one look at the scene and remain just outside, unsure whether they should enter.
“...If you want my real feelings...”
Hyeong-uk muttered, then let out a long sigh.
“Warrior.”
“Yes.”
“...Please don’t take offense at this. You seem like a truly good person, which is why someone as lowly as me can dare to grumble a little...”
“I won’t be offended.”
“Then...”
For a moment Hyeong-uk hesitated, unable to entirely abandon his conflict, then finally shut his eyes tight and spoke.
“How are we supposed to believe it?”
“...Pardon?”
“How are we supposed to believe the things you say, warrior?”
What came out of his mouth struck Baek Cheon like a blow. It was a different sort of shock from any he had felt before.
For a moment, he simply stared at Hyeong-uk in a daze before answering.
“I know I may not seem trustworthy, but...”
“No. That isn’t it, warrior. It isn’t that we can’t trust you.”
Hyeong-uk shook his head. Then he drew another deep breath.
“Warrior... do you know how many times we’ve heard this kind of thing?”
Baek Cheon could not answer.
“Everyone said the same thing. That they were the ones who would help us. That they truly cared about us.”
A fragile smile touched Hyeong-uk’s lips.
“The martial halls said it. The officials said it. We were always so grateful to hear those words, but... why are we always still in this state?”
“...”
“Where are all those people who said they cared about us? Why... why is it that when things are still bearable, they speak so kindly, but once life truly becomes unbearable, they all disappear?”
Hyeong-uk asked it with a voice emptied of all strength.
“You told us not to abandon hope, didn’t you?”
“...Yes.”
“Warrior... hope is a cruel thing to people. Every time we heard good words, we always clung to hope. But whenever that hope turns into disappointment, we always end up thinking the same thing: it would have been better not to hope at all. It would have been easier to live if we had just accepted that this is how the world is.”
“...”
“Do you think we never had expectations to begin with? We believed you. Foolishly, we believed with all our hearts. And yet... before we knew it, the world had become like this, and the ones who told us to believe only stand on the far side of the river and watch.”
Baek Cheon clenched his fist. More than anything, what stabbed at his heart was the expression on Hyeong-uk’s face, as though he had already let go of everything.
“You tell us to endure and wait. But... for someone as lacking as me, I simply cannot understand. Why must we wait? Why are those splendid, impressive people... just standing by and watching those villains? If they truly cared about us the way they said they did, then why won’t they fight them?”
“...”
“We took what little we had and shared it to feed others in times like this, did everything we could to lend even a little strength... and then the moment trouble actually comes, everyone turns their backs and says it’s none of their business...”
“That’s...”
Baek Cheon opened his mouth to say something, but Hyeong-uk supplied the words for him.
“Yes, I know. If they recklessly tried to save a few people, it might ruin a larger plan. How could uneducated fools like us ever presume to understand the deep thinking of our superiors?”
“...”
“But... but listen, warrior.”
Hyeong-uk’s gaze moved to his father, who still lay unconscious.
“It’s strange. People like you always tell us that people like us are the most important. That you drew your sword for people like us. Is that right?”
“...Yes.”
“And yet... why is it that whenever something happens, we always come last? Why are we always the ones who can be saved at the very end?”
Hyeong-uk’s voice rose higher and higher.
“Why are we the ones who can die, the ones who can suffer? Why are we the ones who have to crawl and beg like vermin, endure every humiliation under heaven, and then be told it’s enough as long as we’re still breathing at the end?”
“...”
“Why must we—why! Why must we shed tears over the tiniest scraps of kindness tossed to us as though we’re nothing but beggars, and then tremble while worrying about the consequences afterward? Why?”
Faced with that steadily rising voice, Baek Cheon bit down hard on his lip.
“You told us to have hope, didn’t you?”
“...”
“I’m not blaming you, warrior. If it weren’t for you, none of us would still be alive. Truly, thank you. We’re not the kind of shameless wretches who would have our lives saved from the water and then covet the bundle on our backs as well. It would be wrong to resent you for this situation.”
Hyeong-uk slowly shook his head.
“But... but warrior. After everything we’ve seen and everything we’ve endured, this gratitude isn’t enough to make us hope again. That... yes, that is too cruel a thing to ask. We’ve already carried too much to carry hope as well...”
Baek Cheon quietly closed his eyes.
How easy-minded had he been, speaking such words to someone who had had to call even his own father a useless old man just so others might survive?
He had thought he understood, but he hadn’t. He had thought he knew, but he hadn’t.
At last, Baek Cheon spoke, not because he had anything clever to say, but because he felt he had to say something.
“I... only meant to comfort you a little. I was thoughtless. I’m sorry.”
“Ah, no. That isn’t what I meant.”
“But not everyone is like that. Not everyone thinks that way. I hope you’ll understand that much.”
At those words, Hyeong-uk’s face stiffened slightly. He chewed at his lip for a moment, then finally could not hold it in any longer.
“Warrior.”
“Yes.”
“You’re on your way somewhere right now to save someone, aren’t you?”
“...”
“And it’s something very important, I imagine, isn’t it?”
Baek Cheon’s face hardened.
“So you’ll be leaving soon. You’ve done everything you needed to do here.”
He understood. He understood exactly what Hyeong-uk was about to say.
“I don’t know. Even if you think we can be saved later, as long as you take care of a few things and then go, and even if you think there are more important people elsewhere... everyone does. They all treat us as if it’s perfectly fine for a few of us to die in the meantime.”
“...”
“I don’t know what we’re supposed to believe in, or what hope we’re supposed to cling to... I really... I really don’t know.”
It felt like falling endlessly into a bottomless abyss.