The Regressor Is Convinced (4)
As soon as Choi Ji-won stepped out of the bedroom, she grabbed my hand and led me outside. Without a mask or sunglasses, people whispered and some pulled out their phones to snap pictures. The only reason the location of our house hadn't been exposed so far was because the neighbors had kept quiet. Walking around this openly, our privacy would vanish in an instant.
The reason Choi Ji-won was acting so recklessly.
"She wants to regress."
"Yeah."
We finished a meal at a famous Chinese restaurant, spent a night at a hotel, and came back home. It was happy... but I couldn't just laugh. My heart was more tangled than anything.
"Okay, I'll tell you what I'm going to do from now on."
Choi Ji-won had grabbed a suspicious delivery box from the entrance and tucked it under her arm. She placed it on the table and sat down.
"I've been... researching a new direction for utilizing mana lately. Can you hear this?"
"Yeah, I can."
"Good. Anyway, with mana..."
"I can't hear this."
"No, you can't hear this either? I mentioned it totally indirectly! Unfair. Seriously."
Choi Ji-won pouted and grumbled. She must have thought the Tower would allow at least that much.
"Can you hear this? This? Ah, this?"
"I can't hear any of it..."
"That's a problem."
Still, I could tell one thing. Choi Ji-won was creating a new mana application method for me. And if it was for me... there's only one thing it could be.
She's probably working on a technique that can resist poison for my sake. I don't know what kind of poison appears on Floor 25, but she must be crafting one tailored to it.
The idea of creating a sort of martial art just for me was absurd, but the fact that she'd produced results in such a short time was even more absurd. Is this what a genius is?
"Jun-ho, then..."
Choi Ji-won stopped mid-sentence.
"Were you talking just now?"
"Yeah. Looks like nothing works. Must be because I can only give indirect hints."
Choi Ji-won crossed her arms and thought hard for a moment, then grabbed both of my hands and looked me straight in the eye.
"Then I'll just get to the point. From now on. I'm planning to research that unique mana application method I mentioned earlier."
"You're planning to research it?"
"In theory, I think it might work... but honestly, I need to find out whether it does or not. So until it works... I plan to keep banging my head against it. That's why I want you to use regression by my side."
Keep banging her head until it works. Considering what she planned to do from now on involved me and poison...
"You're saying you're going to... pour poison onto your own body? To test if the thing you created works?"
My breath caught. Even setting aside the method's utility, the guilt of Choi Ji-won suffering because of me. The regret. Powerlessness choked my throat. The psychological aversion was so, so overwhelming.
"No, this isn't right... Do you absolutely have to do this? Let's just dig for more information. Or wait and see if new know-how emerges from the American Civil War."
The fact that Choi Ji-won was going so far for me was already painful... but directly pouring poison on herself was a different matter entirely. This is genuine 'pain.'
"If there really is no answer besides this, then I don't know... but we don't know that yet. Let's watch a little longer. Or just wait. If it really won't work, we can ask Michael Jeter for help. You experimenting on your own body... won't help my mental state, or yours. I'm against it."
"You know."
Choi Ji-won, who had been listening silently, finally spoke.
"Jun-ho. I don't think your way is wrong."
"My way?"
"The way of carefully laying plans, gathering information, and moving with as much caution as possible. That's how you've done things so far, right?"
"..."
"Low risk, certain results, and you can protect your body... but how do I put this? It's not my style."
I always imagined the worst. That's why I was cautious, over and over. I conserved my mental strength, didn't kill people, didn't let myself grow attached to others... I chose that way.
"Jun-ho. People's limits... are often far higher than what most people think."
"..."
"It's not just you, it's the norm. People get scared ahead of time, and they draw the line themselves, saying 'This is my limit.' Ah, I'm not talking about mental matters. I mean the physical side."
She didn't say it outright, but what she wanted to convey was clear.
"I find that learning by using my body is faster. I'm the type to feel what's right and what's wrong by doing it myself."
She intends... to push forward even if I oppose it. She intends to experiment on herself with poison.
"There's no need to feel guilty. No need to be sorry. In the first place, I'm doing this because I like it, and you've helped me more than just once or twice, right? What's all this fuss about?"
"...But."
"Ah, really. It's just that the idea sounds violent, that's all. It's really no big deal. I know. You've been struggling mentally lately. But why would I do this? I'm telling you I'm fine."
I stood there blankly, unable to judge whether it was really okay, or if Choi Ji-won was telling a white lie for my sake.
"Again, I don't think your way is wrong."
Her hands tightened around mine. In Choi Ji-won's eyes, I couldn't sense a trace of fear or hesitation.
"It's just that I have my own way. Not laying plans, predicting the future, and moving systematically according to that... but heading where my heart leads me. Staying steady. If it doesn't work, I keep going until it does. There's also that way of pushing forward."
"But, when I see you get hurt..."
"When I worry for too long, my head throbs. Ah, forget it."
Choi Ji-won roughly tore open the box on the table. Whatever was inside was blurred and I couldn't see it properly.
"Hey, hey, hey!!!"
"Watch carefully."
Before I could stop her, Choi Ji-won smiled brightly and did something. I couldn't perceive exactly what, but after she coughed, a trickle of blood ran from her mouth.
"Cough, cough... Oh, it's working? This would kill a normal person... or not? Is it because I'm tough?"
"...Hey."
"Look at this. I'm way better off than you think. It doesn't really hurt. Am I some average person? I'm Choi Ji-won."
She was laughing. She didn't even let out a pained groan. She just shrugged casually, with her usual expression.
"Should I wait a bit longer and then regress? I thought I'd have to regress right away, but it's surprisingly manageable. I just knew it. I think if I tweak this a little more, it'll work."
Choi Ji-won smiled with satisfaction. Her complexion had lost a bit of color, but her expression and voice were perfectly fine.
"Ha, haha..."
I couldn't help but laugh too. Because I was so grateful.
I don't know if it was truly okay. Maybe I had overreacted, and since Choi Ji-won had made her own preparations, she'd simply gone ahead.
But one thing was certain: Choi Ji-won was 'excessively' pretending to be fine right now. She didn't want to burden me. Even as she sacrificed her body for me, she hated the sight of me feeling guilty.
"..."
My throat tightened on its own. I don't know what to call this feeling. Just... just... thank you. I'm thankful that you endured that pain for me.
And I realized now. This was the feeling Choi Ji-won must have felt all along.
Back when I repeated regression to save Choi Ji-won on Floor 4. When she regained her memories, what kind of feelings did she have?
The irony of someone else suffering to save me. Gratitude. Powerlessness. Despair. And then gratitude again.
In the early days of Accompanied Regression, Choi Ji-won would jump up whenever I returned even slightly injured. How much must her heart have ached when the one she loved came back in a dazed state?
"Jun-ho."
Covering all of that.
The psychological stability of knowing there's someone who would put her body on the line for me, someone I can trust in any situation.
"Let's try just three more times. I think I'll know by then."
Choi Ji-won, her complexion gone pale blue, wiped the blood running from her mouth. Tears ran from my eyes as well.
Normally, when tears flow, you reflexively close your eyes, but I consciously held back.
The dying evening sunset.
A shadow stretched long because of the curtain. A high-quality mattress that didn't match the old blanket.
The desk stained from spilled coffee. A laptop. A small bookshelf gathering dust from not being used lately. Michael Jeter's medal shining especially in the sunset light. Her jeans sprawled on the floor. A coat sticking out from the wardrobe. Armor left standing in the corner of the house.
Finally, Choi Ji-won, with her haggard complexion, smiling brightly with her back to all this.
Even as tears fell, I remembered every single moment. I captured this moment like a photograph, storing it deep in my mind. No matter how many regressions I endure, I will never forget this moment.
"...Thank you."
"For what?"
I was certain.
The greatest fortune I've ever had in my life wasn't the Regression trait.
"All of it."
It was that I was summoned into the same tutorial as Choi Ji-won.