Chapter 36
Chapter 36
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 36
Chapter Title: The Thing That Should Not Be Revealed
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“That, stop! It hurts, aaak!”
The woman begged and screamed. But Rin ignored the sound. The commands filling his head were too loud for the woman’s tearful pleas to reach him. The commands surging from the depths were absolute. Bite, tear, destroy, subjugate, dominate, chew tender flesh and lick blood. And laugh. Rin obeyed. It felt like following those orders would quench this thirst. His whole body burned hot. The heat was like pain and pleasure intertwined. So Rin laughed loudly. Amid the crashing waves of ecstasy, the blood soaking his body smelled fragrant. That was the last memory of that night.
. . .
“When I came to my senses, it was morning.”
Rin’s voice grew heavy as he recounted the past. Even though seven years had passed, he vividly remembered that morning. Sunlight poured through the window. Staring at the peaceful rays, Rin thought blankly that he’d had a strange dream. Probably because the imperial palace felt so unfamiliar. Then he spotted the dried blood on his clothes and jolted in shock. The room was a wreck. Rin couldn’t even dream that he’d done it himself and hurriedly called for knights and servants. He complained that someone had caused chaos in the middle of the night. The people stared at him in disbelief. He thought he was used to being a spectacle, but those horrified gazes were a first.
“You remember nothing at all?”
“Bits and pieces, but it all felt like a dream.”
Lena mulled over Rin’s quiet reply, recalling what she’d heard from the Southern Duke.
—He has filthy ramparts. Luring women and leaving them bloodied...
She finally understood what the Southern Duke had seen and misunderstood. He’d torn a woman who approached him to shreds during his memory lapse. Terrifying indeed. But vowing to live alone forever over one incident seemed too extreme. Lena needed more explanation.
“So that’s why you decided against marriage?”
“Not just because of that.”
“Then why?”
“Because it kept happening.”
Rin’s voice sank even lower in response to Lena’s question.
“I realized what kind of person I am.”
. . . Rin had left the worst first impression on the imperial nobles and returned to the East. Bad rumors circulated from his time at the palace, but the Eastern Duke’s prestige wouldn’t crumble over that. So Rin buried the incident and steadily handled the tasks before him, gradually establishing himself as the East’s master. But one problem remained. He was still so tantalizing. A boy duke without a single blood relative. A goldmine where it’d be weirder if he didn’t rage.
“This is my little sister. It’s embarrassing to say it myself, but they say she’s the most beautiful woman in the East.”
“Allow me to introduce her. Ah, this is my daughter—she’s skilled in music. I brought her hoping she might entertain Your Highness...”
“Your Highness, you’ll ruin your health just handling affairs of state. Instead of that, why not spend today with me...”
Nobles hungry for power strained to forge ties with the Eastern Duke. Rin felt revulsion from his palace memories, but he couldn’t rebuff everyone approaching. He was still young and tender. Besides, a lonely boy couldn’t help but like those who smiled kindly. Once his heart opened, he’d yield his side in an instant. But nothing lasted long. Unlike Rin, who was content sharing feelings, they wanted firmer bonds. So they pushed in hastily like the palace ladies, meeting the same end.
“Your Highness, let go! Ah, aak!”
“It hurts, kyaaak, save...!”
The usually gentle boy would change once intimacy deepened. The moment soft arms wrapped around his neck, sweet lips brushed skin, or a dizzying scent tickled his nose—the surging impulses overwhelmed him, wounding the women who drew near. When they got hurt and fled, he’d regain his senses alone and despair. After repeating the mistake several times, Rin realized something uncontrollable lurked within him. He also learned belatedly that past Eastern Dukes had faced the same issue. They couldn’t touch lovers fully. When affection stirred, sadism overtook it. They’d harm—and sometimes kill—their beloveds. Rin bore this cruel fate from a power he’d never desired. It was merciless for a boy writhing in solitude. Once he knew the truth, Rin never yielded his side to anyone again. He resolved to live alone forever. That was the year he turned seventeen. . . . Rin finished speaking and looked at Lena with anxious eyes. It felt like he’d bared all his shame. As Eastern Duke and as a person. But fortunately, Lena’s gaze remained calmly serene even after the tale ended.
“I see.”
Lena simply looked understanding. Of the rumors surrounding him, and the emperor’s Authority being far from a divine blessing.
“You’re right, Rin. How could a curse behind power be a blessing?”
Rin quietly sighed in relief at Lena’s agreement.
“But it’s a bit unexpected. The Eastern Dukes have an inherited issue like the Northern Dukes.”
“The South and West probably do too. The North just got unlucky and exposed. The rest hide it desperately. It’d only be a weakness if known.”
Lena echoed Rin’s words and smiled. In other words, he’d just revealed a weakness he should hide at all costs. Should she call it cute or commendable? Lena stared at Rin’s face, just a handspan above hers, then spoke.
“Let me touch you a little.”
With that, Lena reached out. Before Rin could permit it, she gently stroked his hair.
“...What are you doing?”
“Encouragement.”
Rin made an awkward face at the unexpected action and words. But he didn’t dodge or block the hand petting his head.
“Is touching like this no good?”
“This is fine.”
“Then what kind of touching causes problems?”
Rin was at a loss for words. But Lena was serious. She waited with clear eyes, and Rin reluctantly answered after agonizing.
“Badly.”
“Badly?”
“...Impurely.”
“Impurely?”
“Figure it out...?”
“You mean lewdly, right?”
Rin stared at her in horror at the blunt term, then averted his gaze with a troubled expression. He seemed embarrassed. Rightfully so. Sharing intimacy with a lover was deeply private. Confessing issues arose there was profoundly intimate. Lena understood the flush of embarrassment, but his innocent reaction still amused her a little.
‘Plenty of experience, and yet.’
From what she’d heard, he’d had all sorts since childhood, yet he blushed at a single word. Wondering if this Eastern fellow’s reaction was genuine or pretense, Lena suddenly recalled.
—Don’t like me too much.
His cryptic warning to her before.
—It’s fine to like me that much. But don’t...
—Don’t?
—...If you start feeling romantic emotions, tell me.
He’d trailed off then. She hadn’t dwelled on it, as the context was absurd enough. But she just realized what he’d meant to say.
“You said before, Rin. To tell you if I feel romantic emotions.”
Lena broached it suspiciously. Then, with a suspecting look, she asked.
“Maybe what you meant to say was sex...”
Rin’s hands clamped over Lena’s mouth immediately after. Not one hand—two. Pale-faced, he sealed her lips, and Lena, suddenly silenced, furrowed her brow and glared interrogatively. Rin endured, sweating coldly. But under the silent pressure, he finally confessed miserably.
“Yeah.”
“Wha...”
“...Yeah, so don’t say it.”
Lena grew even more baffled at his admission, eyeing him like ‘this guy.’ Not romantic feelings—lust. What he’d meant was ‘tell me if you feel lust for me.’ In other words, a warning: if you lust and come at me, I might hurt you, so beware. Circumstances aside, here was a man cautioning a lady he’d known less than a week to restrain her lust. Having confirmed it, Lena said in disbelief, mouth still covered.
“Rin, you know pretending to be nice while being subtly rude, right?”
“Sorry...”
Rin apologized in a shrinking voice. Lena still fumed, but spotting his arm closer now, she flinched and softened. Blocking her mouth had revealed his sleeve’s interior. And peeking inside, his arm was bandaged. Seeing the wound she’d inflicted, Lena finally sighed. Infuriating, but she had no ground to scold.
“Fine, it’s in the past anyway.”
Reluctantly, Lena peeled off his hands. Rin withdrew obediently, clenching the lingering tactile memory in his fists.
“...Thanks. It must’ve been hard to share.”
Not about lust, but the secret he’d revealed. Lena finally understood why he couldn’t take a partner. So she decided to step closer to him.
“Since you were honest, I’ll confess too. The engagement I mentioned yesterday was just an excuse.”
“Excuse?”
“I figured you’d drop the alliance if I brought up such a condition.”
A promising Eastern Duke like him would have political entanglements, surely a fiancée or candidates in the East. But Lena’s assumption was wrong from the start, piling up needless misunderstandings. As she confessed apologetically, Rin smiled hollowly. Not pitying her past anguish, but baffled by her misjudgment. An engagement as a rejection ploy? This lady didn’t know what kind of person he was.
“So we’ll forget it...?”
“No. If you’re okay with it, I want to.”
“That’d be better. It gives us reason to help each other.”
Lena smiled ambiguously at Rin’s rational reply. As he said, claiming they were lovers in love would silence questions about their partnership. Aside from the Southern Duke foaming at the mouth. Convenient in many ways. But Lena’s true reason for deciding on the engagement was different. She wanted to show he was a decent man. To the Southern Duke and those misunderstanding and slandering him. But Lena didn’t voice it. It felt like meddling, pointless meddling. That was exactly the light sentiment driving her. She liked that Rin was kind. It made her want to help. A casual but sincere feeling.
“Then, best wishes, fiancé.”
Lena smiled and extended her hand. Rin gazed at her smiling face for a moment, then mirrored her awkwardly. His eyes dropped to her proffered hand. It was small, as expected. Tiny compared to his, almost wondrously so. Rin gripped it with measured strength to hide the welling emotions. Too firm, and his tension would show. Too loose, and his tremor would transmit. Feigning calm, he took the dazzling lady’s hand. Under the moonlight, Lena’s smile deepened. Rin’s chest ached, furrowing his brow slightly. Lena thought Rin proposed the alliance for the East’s benefit. Rin knew her misunderstanding but didn’t clarify. He couldn’t. Merging forces with Lena would aid the East greatly, of course. But that wasn’t why he proposed it. Anyone knowing might deem him unfit as Eastern Duke, but at that moment, the East wasn’t in his mind. Hearing Lena had died truly shocked him. Unbelievable, unthinkable. Standing alone in a world possibly without her felt disorienting. Even the moon vanishing from the sky wouldn’t feel this hollow. Seeing her alive then drained him, leaving no thoughts. Ridiculous. How long had they known? How well? Rin mocked his feelings but didn’t deny them. No need. Presence or absence changed nothing. He couldn’t have a partner anyway. Unable to touch, hold, or love, his heart belonged to things that must remain hidden forever, like secrets or weaknesses. Fortunately, Rin was used to enduring. And content with little. Proposing the alliance stemmed from that. He just wanted to prevent Lena from vanishing. To have her somewhere in his world. Ideally nearby, if not, then far away. No wonder he couldn’t explain. Rin tamped down his heart and looked at Lena. She seemed oblivious to it. So he thought it fortunate and smiled calmly.