The Fear of Disappointment
A week had passed since she came to Tezman’s estate. Tezman had been working in his study since early morning. Left alone in the bedroom, Sua headed for the dressing room attached to it. The large dressing room had Tezman’s suits hanging in a long row along one wall, and beside them her own clothes filled the space.
Of course, she had not bought them herself. When Tezman learned she had left her nun’s habit behind and had nothing suitable to wear, he had ordered everything for her, from underwear to dresses.
Sua, who for the first time in her life possessed enough clothes to fill a closet, agonized over what to wear each day. Today she had chosen a simple sky-blue dress.
She opened the lowest drawer in the dressing room—the one that held the belongings she had brought with her. From inside, Sua carefully took out her cell phone and crouched down in front of it.
She had turned the phone on and off dozens of times, trying to call Sister Agnes. Anyone watching might have thought her pathetic, but she could not help it.
“I really should do it today…”
Even as she spoke the words, she knew she would not be able to make the call.
She had already sent a message to Sister Agnes, asking for forgiveness and begging her to wait. She had promised to call once everything was settled.
Even though things were already settled, Sua hesitated for one reason only. She was terrified of hearing resentment in Sister Agnes’s voice.
She had sung so often about wanting to become a person like Sister Agnes, yet here she was—abandoning her final vows and living with a man.
There was no guarantee that Sister Agnes would not be disappointed once she learned the truth. She might even scold her for failing to resist temptation. With anyone else, Sua might have spoken despite the disappointment, but Sister Agnes was precious to her, so she was all the more cautious. Nothing would hurt more than Sister Agnes turning away from her.
It was Tezman who found Sua in the corner of the dressing room, anxiously fiddling with her phone.
“Sua.”
His brows drew together at the sight of her sitting there. Startled by his voice, Sua looked up at him with round eyes.
“Weren’t you working?”
She mattered more than work. His gaze, which had been scanning her complexion, shifted to the cell phone clutched in her hand.
“What are you doing in here, Sua?”
“Ah… well.”
When she hesitated, Tezman simply lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, looked down at her in his embrace, and asked again.
“Tell me. What were you about to do?”
His eyes had sharpened, as though he were imagining the worst.
“…I was going to call Korea.”
Korea? Why? Was she thinking of leaving for Korea again? Without telling him? A flurry of questions exploded inside his head all at once. He was trying to adjust everything for her sake, yet she was contemplating departure. His face turned to ice.
“I thought I should let Sister Agnes know. Ah, Sister Agnes is the one who has looked after me since I was a child.”
“Sister Agnes?”
“Yes.”
A bitter smile crossed Sua’s face.
“I’m… an orphan. I was abandoned in front of a telephone pole, and Sister Agnes picked me up, or so I’m told. I grew up in the orphanage the sisters ran. She was the one who loved me most.”
Tezman already knew every detail of her past from his investigation, yet he listened as if hearing the story for the first time.
“The reason I came to Italy is because of her, too. She gave me money and sent me to experience the world before my final vows. But… I couldn’t even explain properly that I had left the convent. She must already know I withdrew from the order…”
Despite her calm face, Sua’s voice trembled.
“She must be so disappointed. Ever since I was little I said I wanted to become a nun just like her. I wish I had never said those words… Only a few months after leaving… like this…”
The rest would not come. They were words that could burden even Tezman as he listened. He gazed at her tightly sealed lips, then spoke.
“I understand your heart better than anyone. If it is a nun who has watched over you for so long.”
He stroked her back gently and continued.
“No matter what choice you make, I believe she would offer support rather than resentment or disappointment. Don’t you think so?”
Sua let out a small, surprised breath. He was right. When she had told Sister Agnes about her first meeting with Tezman, the nun had not blamed her at all. She had comforted her, saying it must have been a nightmare and that even if it were true, none of it was Sua’s fault.
She might feel disappointment at Sua’s return to secular life, but she was not the kind of person who would speak cruelly. If anything, she would probably offer her support.
Still, a little more time was needed. She wanted to confess to Sister Agnes with complete honesty and gravity. Her fingers tightened around the phone.
“Soon… I will call and tell her everything.”
She lifted her head, looked at Tezman, and smiled brightly.
“Thank you, Tezman.”
“Don’t thank me with words alone. Give me a kiss.”
Sua hesitated for a moment, then lightly pressed her lips to the cheek he offered. Embarrassed, she spoke quickly.
“I-I’ll go now! I have to bake with MacPhee.”
She slipped from his arms and hurried out of the bedroom, leaving him alone on the bed. He clicked his tongue as he watched her retreating back.
“I wonder if she knows.”
How, after the nights they spent together, he soothed the desire that boiled inside him alone in the bathroom every single day.
The first night seemed to have been quite difficult for her; each evening she looked exhausted the moment they slipped into bed. That was even more agonizing. Waiting until she was ready. A low, rough breath escaped his lips.
The voice heavy with desire lingered in the empty air for a long time.
Pale golden eyes flashed. The gaze sparkled as though he had discovered something fascinating.
“Giovanni.”
With his massive frame, Giovanni approached him.
“Yes, Master Matteo.”
“I hear a rumor that Tezman is hiding something very precious inside his mansion.”
“Ah.”
Giovanni nodded, understanding at once.
It seemed the rumor had already spread among the capos—the fact that Tezman now had a woman. Unlike Matteo, Tezman had never once kept a woman at his side, so everyone was even more intrigued.
Matteo found it intriguing as well. The famous serpent of the Pavard family, a man who seemed as though not a single drop of blood would spill even if stabbed, had taken a woman. The thought only deepened his curiosity.
“So, did you find out who she is?”
“Yes. She is… someone you know as well, Master Matteo.”
“I know her?”
“Yes.”
“It couldn’t be that Eastern nun, could it?”
Giovanni nodded at the question. An Eastern nun. He had suspected as much. Laughter burst from Matteo’s lips. He should have realized the moment she mentioned attending the cathedral.
“Is it true Tezman is serious about her?”
He had assumed it was mere interest. After all, his own mother carried Eastern blood. But if Tezman had brought her to the mansion and hidden her so carefully, it seemed he was quite sincere.
“It appears so. They say that when the woman steps into the garden, even the capos are not allowed near her.”
“He’s surprisingly possessive. Tezman.”
What kind of reaction would his mother have if she learned of this? Matteo rubbed his forehead, already feeling a headache coming on.
“This has become troublesome. How exactly does he plan to persuade the boss and Mother?”
“Master Tezman does not strike me as the type who persuades.”
Matteo gave a small, dry laugh. It was true. He had always done exactly as he pleased. A declaration, perhaps, but persuasion? The idea was laughable. He would surely ignore the family’s opinions simply because he had chosen her. Just as he had done until now.
The entire household might be thrown into chaos over a single woman, yet the man himself seemed perfectly at ease. That only made Matteo more curious. How had she managed to subdue Tezman, who had always regarded women as no better than insects?
“Just what kind of remarkable nun is she?”
And what sort of reaction Tezman would show if he touched her.
“Shall we go see for ourselves?”
Matteo rose from his chair and picked up his jacket. As he buttoned it with meticulous care and quickened his steps, the corner of his mouth twisted into a crooked smile.