Cracks in the Vow
The sight of Sua innocently prattling on, utterly unaware of the darkness lurking inside him, made the desire he had been crushing down begin to writhe and stir.
“I’ve been holding back with every ounce of strength I possess.”
Even the slightest opening would let that desire slip free, and it could devour her whole in an instant.
“You really know how to send a man flying, don’t you, Sister?”
So he had to tell her. This pure, oh-so-innocent little nun.
“I’m not a good man, Sister.”
Merely that he was not good.
“If you knew what I’m thinking right now, you’d faint on the spot.”
Even after he warned her like that, her guileless eyes remained unchanged. On the contrary, when she tilted her head in apparent curiosity, the corner of his mouth twisted.
“Do you want to hear it?”
He stared at her face—which offered neither denial nor affirmation—then slowly lowered his head. Closing the distance until their breaths nearly mingled, he whispered in a low voice.
“I thought about flipping up that snowy-white habit, licking you like a dog until you’re soaking wet and making you come all over yourself.”
Only then did Sua seem to snap back to her senses, jerking her head away. He wanted desperately to suck on the red tongue visible between her slightly parted lips, but he clenched his jaw and endured it.
“Th-that means…”
The raw, explicit words churned violently through Sua’s mind. They were so overwhelming they threatened to short-circuit her thoughts entirely.
“If you’re this shocked already, how are you going to handle what comes next?”
Watching her stammer, too stunned to form proper sentences, he curved his lips in a leisurely smile.
“So don’t provoke me, Sister.”
The sound of bright, ringing laughter drifted on the air; it seemed the children had come out of the church. That meant Father Vincenzo and Leroy must have come out as well. Yet while Sua remained frozen in place, unable to move, he rose from his seat with a perfectly relaxed expression.
“See you tomorrow, Sister.”
As soon as Tezuman moved, Leroy and the men in suits—who had been watching from a distance—fell into step behind him. His cologne rode the breeze and brushed the tip of her nose. Only then did Sua whip her head around, her gaze following the spot where Tezuman had disappeared.
She could not afford to let her guard down. The moment she loosened the reins of tension even a little, she would be swallowed by him completely. And yet the reason she kept slipping was the corrupt emotion hidden deep in her heart—the part of her that wanted to surrender to him.
Sua squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them again. No matter how earnestly she prayed and vowed, everything shattered the instant she saw him. The fact that today, the moment she laid eyes on him, what she felt was not fear but joy was proof enough that she had already fallen far enough.
She could waver no longer. With great effort, Sua steadied her heart and counted the days on her fingers.
One, two, three… five. The children would stay at the church for about a week, and five days remained. Judging by Tezuman’s words about seeing her tomorrow, it seemed he planned to come every day while the children were here.
“I can endure it.”
A fragile breath slipped between her lips. It was only five days. Once those five days passed, she would immediately tell Father Vincenzo she was returning to Korea. She would not waver like she had today; she would stay glued to the children under the excuse of looking after them.
So that he could not slip through the cracks in her defenses.
She deliberately kept herself frantically busy all day, so that his presence would not suddenly surface in her mind. Perhaps God took pity on her dogged efforts, because the Tezuman who had said he would see her tomorrow did not appear the next day. Nor the day after that. Instead, Leroy simply left behind bread and milk for the children, saying Tezuman had ordered him to.
Part of her felt relieved, yet she could not stop thinking about him. Knowing he was involved in dangerous work only made her worry more. What if he had been hurt and that was why he couldn’t come? While Sua was lost in such useless thoughts, the children swarmed around her. Having grown close to her over the past few days, they now followed her everywhere. Julia had even asked if she could sleep with her, she liked Sua so much.
“Sister! Sister!”
“Sister, you eat some too!”
Watching Julia and the children offer her the bread and milk Leroy had left, Sua gave them a gentle smile.
“Thank you.”
Her gaze fell weakly onto the bread placed in her hand.
“Sua.”
Father Vincenzo approached with a worried expression.
“May I sit with you for a moment?”
“Yes, please sit, Father.”
The wrinkles on Father Vincenzo’s hands were deep as he quietly folded them over his knees atop his cassock.
“Sua. It must be exhausting, spending every day with the children, no?”
“Not at all. It’s nothing.”
Sua’s lips hesitated. Father Vincenzo must have noticed. That her recent demeanor was nothing like before.
“Um… Father…”
The children would be at the church only until tomorrow. The day after, they would return to the orphanage. It was the perfect timing.
“Go on, tell me, Sua.”
It was the conclusion she had agonized over again and again.
“I… I think I should return to Korea.”
At the words she finally managed to utter, Father Vincenzo gazed at her quietly before speaking.
“Has something happened that requires you to go back?”
Where should she even begin? Even among the words she had practiced every night to tell Father Vincenzo, she could not lay her entire heart bare.
That she had betrayed the vow of chastity she had made to God. That she had been shaken by Tezuman again and again until she had eventually given him even her heart. Sua’s tightly sealed lips slowly parted.
“I am being tested every single day. To keep myself from wavering, I believe I must go to Korea, Father.”
It was the most honest answer Sua could give.
“Can you not overcome this trial?”
She had thought she could. No matter how many times she vowed, prayed, and tried to steady her heart, the moment she saw him she crumbled. So easily. So utterly.
“…No.”
At Sua’s answer, Father Vincenzo quietly clasped his hands together. The hands joined as if in prayer seemed to be for her sake alone.
“I respect your choice, Sua. We are all tested every day. I am no different. Sometimes we overcome it, and sometimes we fail and must ask the Lord for forgiveness.”
Sua looked at Father Vincenzo in surprise.
“You seem startled that I would fail.”
“Ah, yes… I thought you would never face any trials, Father.”
Father Vincenzo gave a benevolent smile.
“I do. It is only that I have learned, through long years in the monastery, how to move past them. I too pray every day and steady my heart.”
His tone was as if he truly understood her.
“No one is perfect. Even if Sua stumbles in the face of temptation and makes a mistake, all you need to do is seek forgiveness and refrain from repeating it. Do not blame yourself too harshly.”
“I’ve repeated the same mistake… far too many times.”
“So that is why you wish to return to Korea.”
“…Yes. If I stay here, I feel I will keep repeating it.”
Father Vincenzo nodded.
“Father! Come look over here!! Deborah ruined the flowerbed!”
At the children’s shouts, Father Vincenzo rose from his seat and continued.
“Sua. Could you stay until the children return to the orphanage? It seems we won’t be able to give you a proper farewell with them running about like this.”
It was true that the children currently left no room for anything else. The moment they opened their eyes, they were always looking for her and the priest.
“Of course. I was planning to prepare to leave after the children go back anyway.”
“Thank you. Then I’ll leave the remaining time in your care, Sua.”
“Yes, Father.”
With a gentle smile, Father Vincenzo headed toward the children. Watching his retreating back, Sua let out a short sigh.
Even though she had confessed to Father Vincenzo that she was returning to Korea and received his understanding, she did not feel relieved. Instead, some corner of her chest felt heavy.
“…Should I tell Tezuman too?”
Should she tell him she was leaving? And if she did, what would he say in return?
Seeing her mind once again coloring over with thoughts of him, Sua shook her head as if to shake them off. It would be better not to say anything. If she told him and he tried to stop her, she would surely waver.
Sua stood up. She nodded at Julia, who was waving her over with a beckoning gesture.
There were only two days left. Until the children returned to the orphanage. Once they were gone, she would pack her things and buy the earliest flight ticket back to Korea.
She prayed that the remaining days would pass without incident, that she would not waver, that she would not encounter him.
Sua took a step. Toward the children.