A Jianghu Where Wuxia Clichés Don't Work
Once the waiter scurried off to the kitchen and the initial commotion died down, the tense, frozen air of the inn began to thaw into something far more sinister and lecherous.
"..."
"..."
Though none of them dared to stare openly, every single man in the inn had his attention locked onto one spot: the prime table in the center, where Yeonhwa sat with her legs elegantly crossed.
Over in a corner table, a band of scarred ruffians from the unorthodox sects—the Heidao—glared with predatory, glittering eyes, exchanging sly glances.
"Hey, boss. You see that? That broad who just walked in..."
"Of course I did. I've been rolling around the underworld for ten years, but I've never seen a bitch so mind-blowingly hot in my entire life. You think she's some kind of nine-tailed fox spirit in disguise?"
"Look at that porcelain skin. And that smooth curve of her leg peeking out from under that thin silk skirt... Whew. If I could just hold her in my arms for one night, I'd gladly die of sheer ecstasy."
Their eyes crawled over Yeonhwa's voluptuous chest and dizzying hip line like slimy, insatiable leeches.
On the opposite side, by the window...
A group of young noblemen clad in lavish, expensive martial robes—clearly hailing from some prestigious, wealthy clan—harbored the exact same thoughts.
"Ho... To think such a peerless beauty would appear in a backwater place like this. She doesn't carry any weapons, so she must not be of the Jianghu. Perhaps a runaway lady of a noble house?"
"Young master, the brat she's traveling with has negligible martial arts. She looks like a mere porter or maid. Shall we go bring her to you?"
At his subordinate's prompting, the young noble master snapped his fan shut with a smug, leisurely smile.
"No need to rush. Slip her a few cups of strong liquor to get her drunk, then escort her gently to my room tonight. A masterpiece like her shouldn't be handled roughly, lest she break."
Soon, as if by unspoken agreement, the scarred ruffian and the young noble master stood up at almost the exact same time.
Both groups began to swagger toward the central table where Yeonhwa sat.
However, just as they neared the table, the eyes of the two rival factions clashed in midair.
"...?"
"...?"
The scarred ruffian's brow twitched menacingly, while the young master tightened his grip on his fan.
Like the seasoned Jianghu veterans they were, they instantly saw through each other's intentions.
"Where do you filthy Heidao scum think you're sticking your noses? Scram back to your corner and eat the scraps."
"Wh-What? What did you just babble, you pretty-boy gigolo?!"
The scarred ruffian glared, fiercely drawing the broadsword from his waist.
"Fluttering your fan like a damn woman. If you want to look at broads, go to a brothel and roll around with each other! How dare you block the path of the Iron Blood Sect?!"
"The Iron Blood Sect? Even a passing stray dog would laugh at that. This young master will sew your rotten mouths shut!"
Clang!
Their petty designs on Yeonhwa were instantly pushed aside. Grating against each other's fragile egos, the underworld ruffians and the noble clan warriors began a full-blown sword fight right in the middle of the inn.
"Aaaah! Fight!"
"Watch out! The tables are flipping!"
The patrons who had been drooling over Yeonhwa's beauty just moments ago scattered in terror. The waiter collapsed at the kitchen entrance, wailing at the sight of the flipping tables.
Clash! Crash!
Blades clashed, and a chair kicked by one of the ruffians sailed through the air, smashing into the wall and shattering into splinters.
Meanwhile, Yeonhwa, the actual catalyst of this entire disaster, rested her chin in her hand, watching the dogfight unfold before her as if it were a highly entertaining show.
"Wow... Jianghu hospitality is brutal. I just came to get some food, and people are already beating each other bloody."
As I clicked my tongue and muttered nonchalantly, Soso, who was trembling beside me while clutching the leg of her chair, let out a deep, exasperated sigh.
"Sigh... Seriously. Whose fault do you think this is? She's talking like she has nothing to do with it..."
Hiding under the table, Soso asked in disbelief,
"Sister. Food is just an excuse right now, isn't it? You're just excited because you got a free show."
"Who knew a brawl this big would break out so early in the evening? The owner of this inn is going to take a massive hit on repair bills today."
I shrugged.
Clang! Crash!
Mocking my peaceful commentary, the first floor of the inn had devolved into utter chaos. What started as a petty ego clash between the ruffians and the noble master quickly spiraled out of control as flying swords and chairs dragged innocent bystanders into the fray.
"Argh! Who the hell dumped soup on my head?!"
"It wasn't me! It was the chair those ruffians threw!"
"Shut up! I'll kill you all today!!"
Curses flew as weapons were drawn left and right, and before long, the situation escalated into a bloody free-for-all involving dozens of men.
Sword qi rained down, tables splintered, and stray dumplings flew through the air.
"Hey, Soso. When is this going to end? I'm starving to death, but the waiter hasn't even brought me a glass of water, let alone the five-spice sliced pork."
As I rattled my empty teacup and complained, Soso clutched her forehead and let out a heavy sigh.
"What kind of crazy waiter would serve food in the middle of this war zone?! Please, let's just get out of here! Sister, you're literally the trophy those lunatics are fighting over!"
She had a point.
I didn't give a damn if they beat each other to a pulp, but not being able to eat right now was a very serious problem.
"Tsk. Fine."
Smacking my lips in disappointment, I stood up.
Completely ignoring the men swinging their blades like madmen, I grabbed Soso by the scruff of her neck and slipped out of the inn with an elegant, lightning-fast footwork technique.
Leaving the once-grand Chunpung Inn behind, we relocated to a shabby, quiet, cheap tavern tucked away in a back alley of Gi County.
"*Nom, nom...* Oh, these dumplings are surprisingly juicy. Pretty good."
I took a huge bite of a freshly steamed pork dumpling and marveled.
Although it wasn't the high-end five-spice pork or Dongpo pork I had hoped for, the combination of greasy carbs and savory meat juices made my stomach perfectly happy.
Soso poked at her noodles with her chopsticks, staring at me with a look of utter disbelief.
"Sigh... Whatever. Why do I even bother expecting a normal reaction from her?"
Soso shook her head and sipped her tea.
After a while, once she seemed reasonably full, Soso rested her chin on the table and asked,
"By the way, sister, I've been wondering. Why are we actually going to Kaifeng? Do you have business with some grand sect?"
"Business? No, not really."
"Huh? Then why go all the way..."
"Oh, just to celebrate my debut in the Jianghu by checking out a bustling metropolis. Shouldn't I bask in the lights of civilized society for a bit?"
At my nonchalant answer, Soso, who was about to drink her tea, choked and coughed violently.
"Cough! Wh-What? You're really just going sightseeing? Don't tell me... Sister, is this your first time out in the Jianghu?!"
"Of course it is. You could say I'm a fresh, piping-hot master straight out of the cave."
At my proud declaration, Soso's eyes grew as wide as saucers.
"This is crazy! You were so sly, thick-skinned, and acted like such a lazy vagabond that I thought you were some seasoned veteran who'd seen it all in the Jianghu!"
"Wow..."
Flick!
"Ouch!"
For the fifth time today, a satisfying forehead flick connected with Soso's brow. Tearing up, Soso clutched her swelling forehead.
"How dare you call a graceful, noble fairy like me a vagabond."
"Sob... What kind of fairy flicks people with such brute force..."
Ignoring Soso's indignant whining, I snatched the last remaining dumpling with my chopsticks and popped it into my mouth.
Having stuffed myself with dumplings, I patted my stomach and gestured with my chin toward Soso, who was still picking at her noodles.
"By the way, I've been meaning to ask."
"Huh? What?"
"You. Even if your martial arts aren't top-tier, mastering that level of lightfoot technique at your age means you're not without talent. Plus, you've got a pretty face. Why on earth are you running around stealing other people's stuff?"
At my question, Soso paused, her chopsticks hovering in midair. Her large eyes darted anxiously across the table.
"Well... you know... just..."
"Just what?"
"...I just need silver. A lot of it. Don't ask. It's complicated."
Soso replied bluntly, burying her face back into her bowl of noodles.
Seeing her vague, shadowed reaction, a classic, incredibly cliché Jianghu trope flashed through my mind—one I had read hundreds of times in my past life.
This is totally that, isn't it? The heir of a fallen noble family!
Cheering inwardly, I narrowed my eyes. Crossing my legs and folding my arms, I spoke in a smug, confident tone, like a master detective who had cracked the case.
"Hmm~ I see, I see. The pieces are falling right into place."
"...What is?"
"You're actually the descendant of a fallen martial arts clan, aren't you?"
Pfft!
Soso choked so hard she almost sprayed noodle broth and strands into the air.
She coughed violently, her eyes wide.
Taking her reaction as absolute proof that I had hit the nail on the head, I grew even more excited and began rattling off the classic wuxia clichés like a machine gun.
"Once a prestigious righteous clan that ruled this entire region! But due to the insidious traps of the unorthodox sects, or perhaps the vile betrayal of a trusted retainer, your family went bankrupt overnight! Am I right?"
"S-Sister? Hold on..."
"And so, as the sole surviving heir, you bore the heavy burden of avenging your parents and rebuilding your clan on your shoulders! Swallowing your tears, you resorted to thievery to raise funds! Or maybe you're desperately scraping together silver to buy back your family's ancestral land, which was mortgaged to creditors when you fell! Tell me I'm wrong!"
I clapped my hands, thoroughly impressed by my own flawless deductive reasoning.
The fall of a once-glorious sect, the abandoned heir, the tearful struggle to rebuild the family. It was a narrative so overused in wuxia web novels it was practically threadbare.
"Man... Soso, you have a much heavier, more tragic backstory than you let on, don't you? I misjudged you. Yes, if it's for the sake of rebuilding your clan, you could certainly be forgiven for stealing my dild—er, my silk bundle. Absolutely."
Swept up in my own sentimentality, I nodded and patted Soso on the shoulder.
However, Soso, who had been listening blankly to my long-winded deduction, had a very bizarre look on her face.
Her expression wasn't one of exposed panic, but rather pure, unadulterated horror, as if she were thinking, What kind of crazy bullshit is this sister spouting right now?
"...Sister."
"What? Are you moved? Relieved that I figured it all out?"
"Did you suffer qi deviation from meditating in that cave for too long?"
"...What?"
Soso slapped her chopsticks down and let out a dry, dumbfounded laugh.
"Rebuilding a clan? Avenging parents? Mortgaged land? Wow... Do you do nothing but read cheap, third-rate fantasy novels sold on the streets? How can you spout such ridiculous nonsense with a straight face?!"
"Huh? It's not? You're telling me it's not that classic story?"
"No, it's not!! I'm a street orphan!! What noble clan?! My parents ran away in the middle of the night the moment I was born!"
Soso shrieked, the veins in her neck bulging with indignation.
"I need silver because life is hard! Because I was starving while begging on the streets! I happened to steal and learn a third-rate lightfoot technique, and petty theft was just the easiest way to keep myself fed! You hopeless, overimaginative sister!!"
"..."
I slowly lowered the arrogant finger I had been pointing in the air.
"Ah... I see. So it was a crime of survival?"
"Yes!! Survival!! I'm a hand-to-mouth, day-to-day thief who steals just to live!!"
Soso fumed, aggressively chewing and swallowing her remaining noodles.
Ah, damn. Since this is a wuxia world, I naturally assumed she'd have some clan-rebuilding backstory... Turns out she's just a regular, dirt-poor thief stealing for survival.
Feeling sheepish, I cleared my throat with a couple of dry coughs and stuffed the last piece of dumpling into my mouth.
