Guardian Evaluation (2)

He had spent a long life without recognition.

During his years in the knight order, he had been dismissed for his lowly birth.

But Lowen had ultimately become the victor.

Over the comrades who had looked down on him.

Over the sword instructor who had scorned his technique.

Over the vice-commander who had sighed and asked how someone like him was supposed to survive in this world.

And over the faceless, unknown knight-commander he had never even met.

Lowen had earned recognition for all to see. No — he had climbed past mere recognition, all the way to a position of respect.

Gazing quietly at the western sky where a crimson tide of sunset rolled and shimmered, Lowen pressed a finger to his lips.

"Hooo..."

Thinking of the old days made him crave a cigarette.

Back in the knight order, he had reeked of stale tobacco wherever he went. What started as one, then two smokes — a little refuge for the mind — had turned him into a chain-smoker before he knew it.

"Hoo..."

He exhaled out the window.

Remembering those days left a dry, bitter film on his tongue.

"A guardian evaluation, huh..."

The reason old memories had suddenly surfaced was Chloe's petty harassment.

If he failed to be recognized as the Saintess's guardian, his authority would be stripped away.

Breathing out air in place of smoke, Lowen let out a short, dry laugh.

"Not that I've already been disqualified as a guardian."

He thought back to the heat of the night before.

Ariel's plump, soft rear was vivid in his mind. That shyly sealed soft pink rosebud kept rising unbidden as well.

"I'd completely lost my ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠mind."

He hadn't been drunk, yet his judgment had blurred as if he were. Ariel's scent had been so sweetly intoxicating he couldn't think straight, and those moist eyes had woken the beast sleeping in his chest. And above all — watching her sway her hips and spread those cheeks had finally shattered the patience he had held onto for so long.

There had been the pretext of soothing the side effects of her divine power, but in truth he had been consumed with lust for Ariel's pretty little back entrance. No matter how convenient the excuse, he had thrust into the rear of a Saintess the Holy See had entrusted to his care.

What kind of deranged guardian fucks the girl he's supposed to be looking after?

Guardian disqualification. No — beyond guardian disqualification, that was human disqualification.

Wearing a bitter smile, Lowen exhaled a long breath as if blowing out cigarette smoke.

Shamefully enough, he had already been disqualified as a human long before he could be disqualified as a guardian.

Was it the moment he joined the knight order? The first time he tore open a person's skin? The moment the stench of blood twisted his nose until he went numb to it?

He couldn't name the exact instant, but one thing was certain: he was already disqualified as a human being.

He had killed people. He couldn't even remember how many lives his sword had taken.

There were many ways to live a life. But for Lowen back then, the only way had been killing people. He never thought about the circumstances of his targets. When a commission came to the order, he took up his blade and moved. Being under the Empire, most of those he dealt with were villains — but the process had never been clean.

"Tsk."

He was only exhaling air, yet a bitter taste spread across his tongue as if he had actually smoked.

Writhing. Squirming.

A worm that had been curled deep in the abyss of his emotions was trying to crawl its way out.

Living as the Saintess's guardian had let his feelings fall into the delusion that he had become some pure, clean clergyman. That he was someone who belonged in the light. Being called "Bishop" by the villagers, he had truly immersed himself in the role.

When the truth was that he was a filthy beast.

"...I need to think about this seriously."

His competitive spirit had already been provoked. He fully intended to crush Chloe's arrogant nose flat for picking this fight. He had planned to go beyond mere recognition as a guardian — to prove he was a better guardian than even a Cardinal.

But thinking about ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠it seriously, the idea of a human reject like Lowen sitting in the seat of the Saintess's guardian was absurd.

It was a role he held for the sake of freedom — but wouldn't the right choice be to cast it off while he still could?

—Knock knock.

Deep in thought, Lowen snapped back to alertness at the sound of someone rapping on the door.

The carriage had come to a stop. Outside the window, the Holy Knights were preparing camp.

—Knock knock knock.

Someone knocked again, and a sweet little voice tickled Lowen's ear.

"Bishop Lowen, are you asleep?"

It was Ariel's voice.

Lowen put on a practiced, artificial smile and opened the carriage door.

"Oh — you weren't sleeping."

Ariel, who had been about to turn back toward her own carriage, saw him and broke into a bright smile. It was the kind of cute smile a puppy might wear while saying, I'm so happy to see Master's face, woof.

"Can I come in?"

Lowen nodded.

As if she had been waiting for exactly that, Ariel hopped up into the carriage with light little bounces. There was a seat directly across from him, but she settled right beside Lowen instead. The bench was long enough for three to sit side by side, yet she planted herself close enough to feel his body heat and catch his scent.

Even during cathedral services they sat about this close, so Lowen remained unfazed.

"Shouldn't you be in your own carriage?"

"Ah... well..."

She might have stepped out for some air — but there was no way that exacting Chloe would have let Ariel come to Lowen alone.

Trailing off, Ariel grinned like a mischievous child.

"I snuck out without the Cardinal noticing."

While Chloe had dozed off ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠for a moment, Ariel had slipped out of her carriage just to see Lowen.

"Bishop Lowen would be lonely all by himself, so I came, you know."

She tilted her head toward him, as if hoping for praise — wanting him to stroke her hair the way he always did.

Lowen poked her soft, squishy cheek with a finger instead.

"I was just enjoying a rare moment of peace, and then the Saintess arrives."

At the unexpected reaction, Ariel blinked rapidly.

"D-did I interrupt Bishop Lowen's rest?"

Lowen smiled faintly and nodded.

The shock of being thought of as a nuisance wiped the puppyish grin right off Ariel's face, leaving her looking as blank as a goldfish. She had been sure Lowen would want to see her. After all, in the short time they had been apart, she had thought of nothing but him in her carriage. She had assumed he felt the same — the pure confidence that he must miss her just as much as she missed him.

"Uh... th-then... only I... uuu..."

Ariel drooped.

Of course people's feelings differed — but the thought that she alone had been the one longing to see him made her chest ache.

Still poking her cheek and holding back a laugh, Lowen let out a soft snort of air.

"Still, having the Saintess beside me is lively and nice."

Ariel, who had been staring glumly at the dust on the floor, whipped her head up to look at him. Her face brightened in an instant.

"R-really?!"

"Yes."

With that short answer, Lowen patted and stroked her hair.

"But if the Cardinal catches you, I know nothing about it."

"Huh...?"

If Chloe found out she had snuck out of the carriage without a word, there would be a lecture. Ariel had been worried about the minimum one-hour sermon that always followed — but she had assumed Lowen would make excuses with her. Lowen, however, had no such intention. Chloe being Chloe, she would scold Lowen first before ever getting around to lecturing Ariel.

"Uh... uhh..."

Ariel's face went goldfish again — round eyes, round lips. How could one expression be so overflowing with adorable denseness? Lowen felt a laugh rising.

"All right. I'll sit through the scolding with you."

Ariel's lips, which had been working open and shut, bloomed into a bright smile once more.

"It's a promise! You have to take the scolding with me!"

She thrust out her pinky finger toward him.

"Pinky swear."

Lowen looked at her little finger for a moment, then shrugged and hooked his own around it.

"Tight, tight promise."

Ariel pressed their thumbs together for a seal as well.

"Seal. Squeeeze~"

She held the thumbs pressed together for a long time. He thought she would finally let go of the pinkies — but instead she wriggled and fidgeted her fingers against his, then naturally laced their hands together in a full interlock.

"Saintess..."

"By the way, I'm sorry about Cardinal Chloe."

Just as he was about to ask her to release the interlaced hands, Ariel cut him off with what came next.

"I never expected we'd suddenly end up doing something like a guardian evaluation. You already take such good care of me without any of that."

Her fingers pushed deeper between his.

"Saintess."

Lowen lifted their joined hands for her to see.

"Yeees?"

She tilted her head, wearing a sly little smile dressed up in pure innocence.

"It's nothing."

"Hehe."

Ariel grinned crookedly. She seemed so pleased by the hand-holding that she swung her legs back and forth. Watching her, a real smile rose to his face of its own accord.

This was bad.

A bad influence.

Every time he saw Ariel's smiling face, he found himself dreaming empty, hopeless wishes.

When had that been?

The words he had heard from a daughter after killing a man who had stepped ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠into that filthy world just to make a living.

He already knew that well enough without being told. From the first time he had stabbed a person to death, he had never once dreamed of going to heaven. Even if the stairway to paradise opened a path for him, he had resolved to walk himself down toward hell.

From the moment one entered the knight order, the indoctrination was drilled in:

And so Lowen had never dreamed of heaven. Knowing he was a filthy creature, he had intended to live in the dark.

But being at the Saintess's side was so warm that it had a terrible effect on his resolve to remain in the shadows.

As I thought — better to leave while I still can.

Elder Demian would surely understand if it was Cardinal Chloe's choice.

Just as he was about to let go of Ariel's hand, she looked up at him and spoke.

"I really want Bishop Lowen to stay by my side."

A shy flush colored her cheeks.

"The meals you cook are delicious, and the stories you tell are fun. Spring has only just ended, but building memories with you is so enjoyable. And all these different feelings I've never experienced before blooming in my heart — I really love that too. I want Bishop Lowen to..."

The words she most wanted to tell him caught in her throat. Instinct told her this was the perfect moment to say them, but Ariel couldn't quite get them out.

"...stay by my side."

Setting aside the intimate things they did — simply sharing everyday life with Lowen was truly joyful. Compared to life at the Great Cathedral it was lacking in every way, but the humble rural existence freed her from mental strain and felt comfortable. And on top of that, Lowen had seen her honest self and, rather than scorning, loathing, or being disappointed, had understood and accepted her — which made her feel even more at ease.

No matter who else became her guardian, none of them could compare to the days she spent with Lowen.

"So please, make sure you get a good evaluation."

Both of Ariel's hands folded over his.

"Saintess..."

Lowen, who had been thinking of stepping down as guardian, suddenly recalled a vow.

He had sworn to protect Ariel.

Was he going to casually break that vow and walk away?

He asked himself, then shook his head and answered himself.

At least for as long as the Saintess remained in Baram-sae Forest, he would stay as the knight who protected her.

One way or another, I'm already garbage.

If he was destined for hell anyway, then living under a foolish delusion was fine.

Lowen brought the back of Ariel's hand to his lips.

"Wh-what?"

Receiving a kiss on the hand, Ariel blinked her round eyes over and over.

"Understood."

Lowen narrowed his eyes in a gentle smile as he looked down at Ariel, who had gone as startled as a rabbit.

"I will do my utmost to be recognized by the Cardinal as the Saintess's guardian."

Still blinking blankly, Ariel looked back up at him and smiled softly.

"If you get a good evaluation and earn Cardinal Chloe's recognition, I'll praise you as much as you want."

As a little sample of that praise, Ariel reached out and stroked Lowen's hair. Soft fingers glided through his rough locks.

Being on the receiving end of a head-pat made the nape of his neck tingle in a strange way.

He didn't dislike it.