A Gift for the Elf
The place Capri headed toward was the kitchen. A pink, frilly apron was tied around her massive frame. The sight was so absurd it seemed to encompass the chaos between reason and unreason, leaving Enoch blinking blankly for a moment.
“What are you staring at? Never seen someone cook before?”
“…Just looking.”
Since he had something to gain, he let it slide. Enoch scratched his head and stood beside Capri.
“Elf-friendly food. And food women like. Something along those lines, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Still, I’m self-aware enough to know my sensibilities are miles away from those of an ordinary woman, so I went around asking people myself.”
Capri skillfully laid out the prepared ingredients. They were mostly greens. When Enoch stared intently, Capri began explaining.
“Elves mostly eat a vegetarian diet, don’t they?”
“Not really?”
Rionne liked meat too. Capri scratched her head, looking slightly flustered.
“Uh… do they hate greens?”
“They don’t hate them.”
“Well, that’s fine then.”
Flash— The kitchen knife in Capri’s hand gleamed. It looked like it could carve up a person at any moment.
“Something elves like, women like, and even someone who’s never cooked before can make easily. That obviously means salad.”
“Is that even cooking? Isn’t it just piling up grass?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. There’s actually a surprising variety, and the cook’s skill matters quite a bit.”
“Hmm.”
For now, the relative expert was Capri. Whether she’d cooked by carving up people or whatever, she clearly had more experience than Enoch, so he simply nodded.
“Then watch closely. It’s not that complicated anyway.”
The various greens were laid out. Capri placed them on the cutting board and began chopping with rhythmic thumps.
“Oh…?”
She was better than he expected. It wasn’t the brutal knife work of carving through flesh, but the skilled, practiced motions of a seasoned housewife.
“That’s surprising.”
“I went through a bridal training period too, you know.”
“Bridal training…?”
He had to crane his neck just to see her face, and the muscles covering her entire body looked harder than stone. Her appearance leaned more toward beast than human, so hearing “bridal training” felt like peering into something indescribable.
“…Hey, isn’t that a bit much? I’m at the age where I should be getting married soon too.”
“Hmm.”
“You shouldn’t tease someone about how they look. That’s mean, you know?”
It was such a fair point that he had nothing to say. Right. Rionne had always said something similar.
“Sorry.”
“Whatever, it’s fine. Honestly, I think the same thing.”
Capri chuckled and neatly transferred the trimmed vegetables into a cute, patterned bowl. Then she mixed several unnamed sauces in another bowl, added salt, pepper, and squeezed half a lemon for the juice.
“Mmm, not bad.”
After tasting the dressing, she nodded in satisfaction and poured it generously over the salad. It looked like she’d just dumped it on, yet a remarkably sophisticated salad was completed in no time.
What the hell. Is she actually good at this?
When Enoch stared blankly, Capri stabbed a fork into the salad and held it out.
“Here, try it. It’s Capri’s special Bulging Muscle Salad.”
“Bulging Muscle?”
“Eat one of these and that night will be… Heh…! Anyway, just eat it.”
Chomp. Enoch chewed the offered salad. His eyes soon widened into perfect circles.
“Oh…?”
What is this? Why does it taste good? It had the flavor of a true professional’s touch.
What? This little brat is reacting like that? Give me some too!
Undine, who had been hiding, suddenly popped out and snatched the salad.
“W-what the—!?”
Capri jumped in surprise, but the spirit paid her no mind. She stuffed as much salad as she could into her mouth.
O-ohhh…!
Her eyes sparkled as she patted Capri’s head repeatedly.
You! Human! You’ve got talent for cooking? Forget being a mercenary—why don’t you become a chef? If you really commit, you could reach Grandmaster!
Grandmaster through cooking. At the ridiculous statement, Capri narrowed her eyes.
“Hey, Enoch. What the hell is this spirit? Is she yours?”
“No. She’s Rionne’s.”
Enoch, who had already grabbed the salad plate and was munching away, thumped his own chest.
“Eri. Try this. It’s delicious.”
But there was no response. She had been quiet ever since the Monster Wave. Had he pushed her too hard? The thought worried him.
“Rionne? That name sounds familiar.”
“Yeah. The Sword Queen.”
“The Sword Queen? Oh, that Sword Queen?”
Capri clapped her fist into her palm as if she understood. A moment later—
“Wait, the Sword Queen…!?!!?”
There was a brief commotion.
*
Enoch sincerely learned the salad recipe from Capri. There was just one small problem.
“N-no! Why are you putting that in there!?”
“It looked like it would taste good?”
Enoch had absolutely no talent for cooking.
“Hold on! I told you not to coat the knife with Sword Gang! The vegetables are all burning!”
“Why? They’re slicing nicely.”
“If I say stop, just stop!”
Over the blackened vegetables, a twisted, hellish purple dressing was slathered on.
“Why… why did it turn this color? Did you put something weird in it?”
“No? I just added a little more of this.”
“Chocolate? No way… there’s no reason it would turn out like this just from adding chocolate…?”
After many twists and turns, a single plate of salad was completed. It was the most decent-looking one after forty-three attempts.
“…Please, can’t you just follow the recipe without doing weird stuff?”
“Hmm. Strange. It usually works when I do this.”
“What on earth…?”
Whether it was martial arts or magic, whenever he did whatever came to mind, something new would pop out. So why was salad like this? Well, something new had popped out, but it clearly wasn’t in a positive sense.
Capri pondered it seriously too.
“Is this the law of equivalent exchange…?”
Had he poured all his talent into combat-related abilities, leaving him utterly hopeless at cooking? Then again, considering this monstrous brat’s martial prowess, it probably didn’t matter if his talent in other areas was equally hopeless.
Cooking? Why bother doing it himself? Just hold a knife to a chef’s throat and they’d make it for him.
“Anyway, the recipe’s here, so keep it. And please don’t use your creativity here. Okay? Just do exactly what I tell you.”
“I’ll see.”
“You said you were going to serve her food. Are you trying to poison the Sword Queen?”
Would Rionne really be harmed by something like this? She could probably down a bottle of ordinary lethal poison and be fine. Still, since the goal was to serve delicious food, he decided to agree.
“Got it.”
*
When did you prepare something like this? It’s not like you knew you’d be fighting Rionne.
“Just… from last time I came.”
They were things he had prepared thinking Rionne might like it if he did something for her. He hadn’t expected to use them this way.
Well, aren’t you something. How thoughtful.
Ignoring Undine patting his head, Enoch gathered electricity at his feet.
The recipe… is safely in my pocket. I have the gift too.
He had thoroughly checked the quality of the gift he’d asked Capri to buy on his behalf. Nothing was missing.
Nodding solemnly, Enoch kicked off the ground.
Boooom—!
A purple streak cut across the sky. Enoch had finished his little runaway and finally returned home.
*
“E-Enoooook…!”
The elf came running, scattering tears. In the brief moment Enoch froze, Rionne—true to her title as the Sword Queen—slipped in swiftly and pulled him into her arms.
“Noona’s sorry…! I was too harsh, wasn’t I? I won’t do that again!”
It was bewildering. He had been planning to apologize first. When he glanced at Undine, she was clutching her head.
Calling that thing her contractor…
Rolling his eyes, Enoch met Rionne’s watery gaze. He had expected to get quite the scolding when he returned. But seeing her like this made him feel so genuinely sorry that he couldn’t stay still.
“…I’m sorry too. I won’t do it again.”
Enoch hugged Rionne back. At the gentle pressure, Rionne let out a soft cry.
“Ah…! Enoch…!”
How could there be a child so cute, kind, thoughtful, and adorable…! Historians of the future would surely record it. There once lived an unparalleled filial son, raised beneath an elf!
“No, it was Noona’s fault! I won’t speak so sharply again…!”
“No, it was my fault from the beginning.”
While being hugged by Rionne and swaying like a water lily, Enoch still managed to hold out a box.
“…W-what’s this?”
“A gift. It wasn’t originally prepared for this, but…”
Rionne accepted the box with trembling hands. It was a neatly crafted wooden box. She unlatched it and slowly lifted the lid. Her eyes quivered.
“E-Enoch…”
Tears streamed down Rionne’s face. Holding back the urge to run around the neighborhood shouting, she looked into Enoch’s eyes.
“It’s nothing special…”
The way he shyly averted his gaze was unbearably lovable. Everyone…! Look at this…! Our Enoch is this cute…!
Like a junkie resisting drugs, Rionne stood on shaky legs and looked up at the sky. She had no regrets even if she died now. She had achieved everything.
What snapped the elf’s near-ascended mind back to reality was Undine’s water slap.
Splash—!
Get a grip, you crazy woman!
“Hehe… hehehe…”
Hiiik…!
Undine, terrified, hurriedly backed away. Rionne, without even thinking to fix her sloppily loosened expression, buried herself in Enoch’s arms.
“Enoook, should Noona read you a book after so long?”
She seemed to have completely lost her mind.
You son of a bitch…! What the hell did you show her while I was gone…!
In the end, the spirit couldn’t hold back the curse.