Chapter 57
Chapter 57
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 57
Chapter Title: Dawn Confessions
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Chapter 57
“There were no warning signs at all. Even when morning came, my wife didn’t open her eyes. I sent her off just like that. It’s already been several years.”
Lander finished speaking as he unclenched his intertwined hands. It had been a long time. It felt strange sharing such trivial details with a stranger.
Seeing Gilliud sobbing as if he were on the verge of collapse made him want to open up.
About what kind of person his wife had been, how her illness had worsened, what her final moments were like.
“That must have been hard.”
Gilliud said.
“Back then, even breathing felt burdensome. But I got better soon enough. I’d never even imagined a life without her, yet here I am, living perfectly fine without her. Now I even doubt myself. Did I really love her? Did I truly grieve her death?”
“Don’t say that. Someone who’s truly unaffected can’t even remember their memories properly. Mr. Lander... you’re probably just that. You’ve forgotten how to process the grief because it’s too overwhelming. Or maybe you’re just mentally strong enough to accept even the deepest sorrow.”
“Is that it?”
“I’m sure of it. Look at me. A weakling like me breaks down crying every night. The one who’s supposed to endure for her sake is crumbling first. How pathetic is that? And I’m a man, no less.”
Gilliud let out a self-deprecating laugh before continuing.
“If it’s not too much trouble, would you hear my story too? I can’t bring myself to go back inside.”
“Of course.”
“Where should I start? Ah, maybe from when we first met. It was a pretty funny connection.”
Gilliud said with a smile. The tale of a young shepherd boy and the village girl known for her beauty blossomed with freshness and joy, passed through jealousy and faith, and ultimately plunged into despair.
“We worried about not having children, but we were still happy. So what if we didn’t have kids? I could spend my life with someone who understood and trusted me like this. I thought it was a blessing. But God snatched that blessing away in an instant. Truly a hateful god.”
Oblivion had come quietly and taken everything. In the same way, Gilliud had lost it all.
What could he say to a man enduring the same pain?
He wasn’t a silver-tongued orator, but he knew how to pick the right words when needed. Yet right now, he could barely part his lips.
No words he chose would mean anything to the man before him.
Just like it had been for him once.
“Come to think of it, we have quite a few similarities.”
Gilliud said.
“Maybe that god character showed a final shred of conscience by letting us meet. Anyone else might not understand this pain and fear, but you will, Mr. Lander.”
“If it offers even that much comfort, I suppose I should thank God.”
Gilliud wiped his dry face. The tears had faded from his expression.
‘Being able to talk to someone who understands you is no different from a miracle.’ What Joon Gong had said was true.
He too felt a little relieved after opening up to Gilliud.
Words he hadn’t shared with his eternal friend the emperor or his eternal mentor Joon Gong—he had confessed them to this stranger he’d just met today.
As Gilliud said, their similar circumstances allowed them to share the pain.
“You’re probably the older one, right?”
To Gilliud’s question, he replied, “Probably.”
“As a senior in life, could you give me some advice? What should I do from here?”
“Whatever you do, it’ll end up as regret. But it’s better than doing nothing. Try something. That’s all I can say.”
He prayed sincerely. That the Gilliud couple would find happiness, that she would recover. A commander praying to the heavens on the eve of battle was a sign of incompetence, but in this case, prayer was the only recourse.
Only a miracle, only divine mercy, could be the solution. He could only beg that the merciless god who had taken his wife’s breath would show compassion today.
“I’d give my life if it meant a miracle could happen.”
Gilliud said. He couldn’t help but smile bitterly at the heartfelt words. He had prayed the exact same thing to God.
They talked until dawn broke. About all sorts of small, trivial things.
“Let’s head back in. You need to get at least a little sleep to keep your wits about you.”
“Understood.”
He saw Gilliud inside and remained alone in the chair. ‘The dawn air is so damp.’ For the first time in ages, his wife’s voice echoed vividly in his mind.
* * *
Today, Lander somehow seemed in better spirits. It was the third day observing him closely. This was the first time she’d seen him smile openly.
“Have some more.”
“Should I?”
Gilliud scooped food onto Lander’s plate. It seemed they’d had a deep conversation at dawn yesterday.
She’d woken at the sound of voices, peeked out to see the two talking outside the inn, and gone back to bed. She’d wanted to join them but couldn’t bring herself to.
“You two seem much closer after just one day. What’s the secret?”
Inebil said, looking at Gilliud.
“My brother gave me words of strength. Thanks to him, I feel recharged.”
“Oh ho, brother?”
Gilliud looked at Lander.
“I’d like to call you brother, if that’s okay?”
“Call me whatever’s comfortable.”
There was an inexplicable trust in their straightforward exchange. They really seemed to have grown close overnight.
Well, both had wives who’d suffered the same illness, so they had plenty in common.
As she tore bread and put it in her mouth, an egg flew toward her face. She caught it.
Gilliud’s wife was throwing food from her bowl with childlike glee.
“Riselra. Food is for eating.”
Her husband’s scolding did no good. Inebil quickly ate her food and moved to Riselra’s side.
“What’s so fun?”
“This. It’s sticky.”
Riselra said, dipping her fingers into the boiled grains.
Her actions were so childlike. Her eyes sparkled with curiosity, unable to focus for even a moment. Then she’d suddenly grow sullen and curl up.
“Where am I! Please leave me alone! Save me, save me! The monster’s chasing me!”
“Dear, stop it. There’s no monster here.”
Gilliud embraced his wife. Held in his arms, Riselra trembled convulsively before going blank-faced.
Staring blankly at her husband, Riselra said, “Who are you?”
“Sorry. We interrupted your meal.”
Gilliud said. She replied with forced cheer.
“After eating only with boring old men, sharing a meal with someone so lively is a treat for me. We’ll clean up here, so take your wife for a walk. The weather’s perfect.”
“But I should handle the cleanup...”
“No need. Mr. Lander, old man. Why are you just standing there? The innkeeper lady will scold us if we don’t tidy up quick.”
She pushed Gilliud’s back. He held his ailing wife’s hand tightly, glancing back repeatedly. She told him again it was fine, just go for the walk.
“Thank you.”
After sending the couple off, she started cleaning. The innkeeper lady, understanding the situation, didn’t nag about the thrown food.
“Must be tough. Your spouse not recognizing you.”
As she cleared the table, she realized her mistake. Lander had said yesterday his wife had the same illness.
Lander cleaned without a word.
“When do you plan to leave?”
Guchi asked.
“I’ll stay a bit longer.”
“Until those two depart?”
“Yes.”
“Good idea. No deadline, so taking it slow isn’t bad.”
The innkeeper brought tea. Having paid generously for the rooms, it was fragrant tea. She held the cup to her nose and inhaled deeply.
“You said you’re heading to her hometown? Your late wife’s.”
“Yes.”
“Was Conne her hometown?”
“I heard it’s a bit further from there. A small village called ‘Blue Button.’”
“Never heard of it. You, old man?”
She figured he might know. He had all sorts of trivia.
“I think I’ve heard of it vaguely. There’s a famous lake in Conne, and it’s a village right above it.”
“Knew you’d know, old man. Mr. Lander, what do you plan to do when you get there?”
“There’s an orphanage where my wife spent her childhood. I’ll have to visit there first. If someone remembers her, I have things to pass on.”
“I hope there is.”
Guchi interjected as he drank his tea.
“Have you been there before?”
“No. When my wife was healthy, I was at the front lines. After her health declined, I couldn’t leave the Holy City. I sent someone to the orphanage for her funeral, but only heard it was empty.”
She asked cautiously.
“The orphanage is probably closed.”
“Likely.”
“And you’re still going?”
“Yes. It’s her hometown. Even if no one remembers her, I want to bury her belongings there.”
Lander finished and slowly sipped his tea. What must that feel like? Going to his dead wife’s hometown.
She imagined her master and Shilder’s deaths. Pictured herself journeying to their hometowns.
It would be unspeakably sad. Every step would reek of regret and despair.
“Um... would it be a bother if I came along?”
“You’re asking that now?”
Guchi said. Embarrassed, she bit her lip.
“It’s fine. My wife liked lively company. I prefer moving with others over alone anyway.”
“This girl’s too noisy, though.”
She glared sharply at Guchi’s quip.
Guchi lifted his chin as if to say glare all you want and drank his tea. His stubbly chin looked infuriating.
Lander gazed outside through the half-open inn door. He seemed worried about the couple who’d left first.
“Shall we take a walk too? Weather’s amazing.”
“Better than sitting here like idiots. Lander, you come too.”
Lander nodded and stood. Guchi led the way. They followed the village path.
Sheep grazed on a low hill, lowing softly. A shepherd dog darted around, guarding them.
The Gilliud couple was there too. Sitting amiably, watching the sheep munch grass leisurely.
“She seems okay now.”
Guchi said. Gilliud’s wife gazed peacefully at the sheep. Seeing their clasped hands tugged at her heart.
“I hope she gets better.”
“If God knows mercy, he’ll save at least one. If he’s a god worth believing in.”
In a monotheistic faith, anyone who heard Lander’s words just now would cry blasphemy and grab a spit.
She coughed lowly and turned her head.
“Let’s not disturb them and head that way.”
Guchi said, pointing to the mountain path.
(To be continued next time)