A Very Unpleasant Arm Wrestling (2)
「……Caffeine Major General. Why are you standing upside down?」
Estial asked with his eyes.
Caffeine Major General replied with a troubled look in his eyes.
'I hate to report this, Your Highness... but you're the one who's been completely flattened... er, smashed flat.'
At the same moment—BOOM! A thunderous roar echoed, and an immense shock slammed into his head and back.
"Guh!?"
Estial spewed up the lunch he'd eaten earlier. When he came to his senses, he was tumbling across the ground.
Plip-plop—drip— Shards of the broken rope fell from his hand.
He'd been flung away in an instant.
"……?"
Estial brushed the dirt caked on his head and sprang to his feet. He had no clue what had just happened.
"Major General! What the hell is going on!?"
He snapped at Caffeine Major General, who had witnessed the whole scene from nearby.
Caffeine Major General fiddled awkwardly with his mustache, his face a mask of embarrassment. Finally, he parted his heavy lips.
"……You went down in one hit."
At those awkward words, Estial finally pieced it together. Roin hadn't just overpowered his arm—she'd flipped his entire body.
"One more round!"
Estial grabbed her hand again, unable to believe it. His log-like forearm against Roin's reed-thin one.
And—BOOM! The ground cratered once more.
"Gaaahhh!?"
The scream burst from Estial's mouth this time. Roin had flipped him again.
"Again!"
Estial growled through gritted teeth. Once more, their hands clasped.
"Grrraaaah! I'm succeeding the throne, Father! Succeeding you, father!"
Estial threw every ounce of his weight into his arm. A towering 2-meter frame weighing 150 kilograms yanked inward with all its might! His muscles writhed like mad. Veins bulged like salt-pickled rigging ropes on a ship. Strength enough to drag a battleship single-handed!
But—BOOM! The ground shook again.
Roin had flipped him yet again.
"N-No way."
"How is that even possible?"
"Well, sure, in this line of work, the frail little beauty always beats the musclebound macho—that's the cliché... but this is ridiculous!"
The watching knights murmured among themselves. The scene unfolding was utterly unreal.
Who was First Prince Estial? At five, he'd chewed iron rebar like taffy; at ten, he'd strangled a bull to death; at twenty, he'd become a Sword Master—a living legend of martial prowess!
Yet here he was, fluttering away like a fall leaf in the breeze. A shock for the knights on every level.
Meanwhile.
"……."
Flipped turtle-like on his back, Estial just blinked silently for a while.
Then, a line from Int flashed in his mind.
'Yield before you get dog-slammed. It paints a better picture.'
Grind— Estial gnashed his teeth.
"……No! That can't be!"
Denying reality, he sprang up again and thrust his thick forearm at Roin.
BOOM! But he crumpled limply once more.
The buff-stacked power in Roin's slender arm was simply overwhelming.
"Grraaaah!"
Even so, Estial hauled himself up again. And challenged her once more.
"Never!" BOOM!
"Again!" BOOM!
"War!" BOOM!
"Never!" BOOM!
"Again!" BOOM!
"War!" CRAAACK!
The stone arm-wrestling platform itself split in two.
On his fourth roll across the floor, Estial shot up, face beet-red. His arm bone dangled loose now.
"Uwaaaah! I won't accept this on arm wrestling alone!"
Estial jammed the bone back and yanked a sword from the ground.
This was an unexpected twist.
"Whoa, Your Highness! Calm down!"
Caffeine Major General tried to intervene, but it was too late. Estial charged straight at Roin.
"If it's a Ssanai fight, let's do it with swords!"
"You lunatic, I'm a girl!"
Roin instinctively raised her arms and legs to shield herself from the oncoming brother.
In that instant—Thwack-thwack! Short, sharp sounds rang out.
Like hurling two raw eggs full-force at a rock.
Estial glanced down. Roin's knee, flung up in reflex, had nailed him square between the legs.
Quite by chance. Quite precisely in the center.
And then.
His breath stopped. His body curled up. His mind went blank, his hips buckled back. Flickering consciousness amid the horrific pain surging from below.
"……."
Estial blacked out.
"Ho ho ho! Roin won without even using the Black Flame Dragon!"
Unicef, who'd been watching, cheered and hugged Roin.
"Heh heh. Hey, hey, took down a Sword Master barehanded. Not bad even without my buffs, huh?"
Diablo nodded approvingly too.
"……."
Roin just stood there, expression blank.
'...Can you even call this a win?'
It definitely wouldn't go down in the official histories like that.
How do you record the tale of the First Prince, mid-throne dispute, struck in the worst possible spot—rendering him unfit for politics or pillow talk?
No way that makes the proper annals.
'Tabloids, maybe.'
Roin sighed inwardly.
* * *
Darkness faded, light appeared.
"……."
Estial cracked his eyes open. Surprisingly, not much time had passed. About three minutes.
He lay on the training ground floor. Caffeine Major General and the knights all loomed over him, faces grim for some reason.
Estial groaned and asked.
"No feeling down there—what happened?"
Caffeine Major General replied gravely.
"……Of all places, her knee hit the worst spot."
"What're you saying?"
"……Your Highness, you can never sire children now."
"What?"
"You... can't have... relations."
Estial clutched the dirt and wailed like he was vomiting blood.
"What!? Hey! Hey, Major General! What do you mean!? Me, a eunuch!? A eunuch!?"
Roin burst into tears beside him.
"I'm sorry, brother……."
"Sorry doesn't cut it! Me, a eunuch!? A eunuch! Oh nooo! I can't go down like this! I can't live without my hambone!"
Estial sobbed. Roin wept buckets too. The entire Red Bulls Knight Order encircled them, faces heavy with condolences.
A pain, ache, and sorrow all men could empathize with.
"Please, calm yourself, Your Highness. You hardly use it except for pissing anyway. Might even be more comfortable riding without the dangly bit gettin'—"
As Caffeine Major General offered his version of comfort(?),
"Hold up."
Cliche stepped forward, arm around Diablo's shoulders.
"……She can fix it, probably."
Cliche looked down at Estial arrogantly.
Well, Diablo's divine power could heal anything except baldness! She'd even cured impotence for nobles, men and women alike.
Estial's tears stopped dead.
"For real? Do it! Fix me now!"
"Heh heh! Love freebies too much, and you might end up bald?"
Diablo traced a money sign with her finger and grinned slyly. Not very saintly, but Estial had no time to nitpick.
"Bald beats eunuch! Restore my junk now! I haven't even used it properly yet!"
The knights around slapped hands over ears at the First Prince's confession. Not a convo anyone wanted to hear.
Makes sense—Estial had been too busy riding and swinging swords for anything else. Hence his nickname: "The Warrior Who Never Dismounts."
Once atop a horse, he'd charge battle lines for days, making him public enemy #1 in the stables.
"Ho ho ho! What've you been doing all these years?"
Unicef teased. Estial just snorted.
Then Cliche patted Roin's shoulder.
"Roin's about to be queen. Send some flowers at least?"
"……."
Estial fell silent at Cliche's words. This was a formal nod to Roin's ascension.
In front of all these encircling knights.
"……."
As Estial bit his lip without responding, Cliche spun away.
"Guess you hate sending flowers. Planning to toss your country away forever?"
Estial finally got it.
"I-I'll send 'em!"
"……What?"
"Flowers! I'll send flowers!"
"What flowers? Real ones? Or your little schlo—"
Estial yelled desperately, clearly.
"The biggest, most beautiful wreath in the kingdom! Please!"
A frantic cry. Utterly sincere. Every man gathered knew it.
Cliche finally nodded.
"Alright. Let's heal him."
"Heh heh! Got it. One long thing, two round things?"
At Cliche's order, Diablo fired the divine power—returned from Roin's body—into Estial.
"Heh heh! Fine day for a journal. Muddy night. No evil! Holy Purge Light!"
The Black Flame Dragon, sealed in Diablo's left arm, emerged. It had obeyed quietly till now, but hesitated before Estial's crotch.
It glanced at Diablo, as if asking, 'You sure I gotta go in there?'
"Heh heh. One long, two round. Remember the numbers."
"……."
"Heh heh. Fuck... yeah!"
Diablo menaced in Hotse's dialect. The Black Flame Dragon drooped and slunk in slowly.
And—FLASH! Three pillars of holy light burst from Estial's groin.
So radiant, they lit the cloudy sky.
"Ooh, big and beautiful."
The gathered knights murmured at the glowing beams from Estial's crotch.
"Ho ho ho. The world's dirtiest spot births the world's purest light."
As Unicef cackled, the holy glow faded away.
"……Ahh. The pain's gone. I feel blessed!"
Estial beamed down at his lower half.
Then the Black Flame Dragon, back from Estial, whispered in Diablo's ear.
Diablo's eyes widened.
"……Huh? The numbers?"
Diablo hemmed and hawed, then covered her mouth.
She scratched her head.
"Heh heh, oops. Black Flame Dragon mixed up the count."
"……What?"
"Swapped the long one and the rounds."
"……What!?"
Estial yanked his pants open to check.
"WAAAAH!! Hey! You bastards! What the—!?"
A bizarre new landscape inside: one became two, two became one.
"……."
The knights' faces turned murderous. Hands drifted to sword hilts.
"Can't fix it back?"
Cliche asked. Diablo looked stumped.
"Heh heh! Could cut and reattach, sure. But you wanna endure that pain again?"
Estial shuddered and curled up. A torment no man wanted twice.
Then,
"Ma! More is~~always~better,, elephant too,, has one head,, and two~tusks,,!!"
Hotse slung an arm around Estial and slapped his back.
With her overwhelming beauty saying it so casually,
"……Is that so?"
Estial tilted his head uncertainly.
"Ho ho ho. You barely use it outside of peeing anyway. Why fuss? Pee time halves for sure."
"Two's the trend these days, beep! Better than none. Real fact, irrefutable. Deny and you're flower-blind."
"Heh heh. For riding, one on each side like a 5:5 part—perfect balance."
Unicef, AlphaGo, and Diablo piled on. Estial's ears twitched faintly.
"……Well, better than nothing, I guess?"
Estial nodded. Simple guy at heart—deal with complications later.
Meanwhile.
Estial was a man of his word. Having agreed to Roin's queenship, he'd stick to it.
He shook Roin's hand.
"Good. Little sis. I acknowledge your strength. This big bro will help you with everything I've got. That's the Ssanai pact!"
"Brother, I'm a girl."
"Girls are basically Ssanai too!"
Estial seemed unclear on "Ssanai," but even know-it-all AlphaGo skipped the lecture this time.
"Beep! Gross, wrap it up quick."
As AlphaGo said, best to end it there.
Every knight witnessing this "beautiful"(?) throne handover shared one thought:
'This series is getting axed soon.'