The Pajama Party Confession
The topic resurfaced during our fifth meeting. Of course, neither of us brought it up directly. A television program playing in the restaurant happened to feature a report on crossdressing cafés frequented by men who enjoyed wearing women’s clothes, and the conversation simply flowed from there.
“Do you think you could ever understand why people seek out places like that?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it… but if someone explained it to me, maybe I could. There must be a reason they go that far.”
He stared at me in silence for a moment. I pretended to focus on my food, lifting a few more bites with my chopsticks while feeling his gaze, then widened my eyes as if I had only just noticed.
“Why are you staring at me like that? Is there something on my face?”
“No. I was just thinking how unusual you are. In a good way…”
He smiled faintly. When I gave him a puzzled look, he continued.
“Most women would call it disgusting or make a fuss about perverts. But you seem like you could even understand something like that. It’s surprising. And strangely charming. It’s the kind of charm you don’t see in other women.”
“Really? Is that a compliment?”
“Of course it is. I’m glad we became friends.”
“That’s all it was? Well, that’s a relief. I was thinking it was a good thing we became friends too, hehe… We can talk about things most girls wouldn’t understand. It’s not the kind of conversation you’d have on a serious date, either. But with you, it just flows.”
I could feel how genuinely at ease he was. Once again, I noticed his eyes drifting toward the sheer, pale-yellow blouse I was wearing. That gave me the courage to move a little closer. Since we had already reached this point in the conversation, I decided to take a small risk.
When we left the restaurant, he naturally assumed we would head to a bar as usual.
“How about we change the venue tonight?”
“Where do you want to go? Do you have somewhere in mind?”
I nodded, smiling meaningfully. He looked up at me with curious eyes. I liked that look. It told me he was willing to go along with whatever I had planned.
“Have you ever heard of a pajama party?”
“A pajama party? The kind where girls gather at a friend’s house to gossip?”
“Yeah, that’s right. Want to try one with me? There’s no rule saying it has to be only girls, right? If you’re friends, a guy can join too. Besides, you don’t really see me as a woman, and to me, you’re not so much a man as just a friend… I suddenly thought it might be a nice way to become even closer.”
“I’m not sure if I should say thank you for thinking that… or feel a little hurt that you don’t see me as a man… It’s complicated.”
He laughed awkwardly. I took his arm and led him toward the curb to hail a taxi.
“This is the first time I’ve ever brought a man home. In that sense, you’ve been chosen. It also means I consider you a real friend… and maybe it means you’re not really a man either, hahaha.”
I laughed so hard at my own words that a passerby jumped in surprise. He kept smiling, though I could see his face flushing even in the dark street. After a brief hesitation, he followed me obediently, like a doll whose limbs were bound by invisible strings. Trusting that he would never do anything strange, and filled with the anticipation of drawing out more confessions from him tonight, my chest felt unusually light.
My toy that kept boredom at bay. I hadn’t expected to find a way to make that toy even more enjoyable so soon.
“Want me to lend you something comfortable?”
He looked quite startled by the offer.
“Why are you so surprised? I have pajamas. They’re unisex, hehe… I prefer loose, comfortable ones, so that’s mostly what I wear, hoho…”
Without waiting for an answer, I pulled him by the arm into the bedroom. Since it was a studio apartment with the bedroom and kitchen separated, there was no need to go to the bathroom to change. I took a pair of pajamas from the underwear drawer beside the bed and handed them to him. He accepted them reflexively but stood there uncertainly, unsure what to do.
“I’ll get the drinks and snacks ready, so go ahead and change.”
I spoke in a commanding tone, left the room, put on some soft music, and went to the kitchen to prepare the table. When he quietly emerged and approached, he was still wearing his suit trousers. He hadn’t changed. I looked at him standing awkwardly in front of the table and chuckled. He gave an embarrassed smile in return. We sat facing each other and began to drink.
While we had a few rounds, he complimented my minimalist living space and we chatted about this and that. Then I decided it was time to roll the dice on what I had been suspecting. If I was wrong, he would get angry and leave. If I was right, it could lead to a strange new kind of relationship. It was a gamble.
“Have you ever thought about trying on my clothes?”
I asked suddenly while lighting a cigarette. Just as I expected, he froze with the glass halfway to his lips, eyes wide. It wasn’t merely because the question was abrupt; he looked as though he was shocked that I might know something.
“It just occurred to me. Maybe the pajamas felt too ordinary, so you didn’t want to wear them, hehe… So I wondered if you might actually want to try my clothes instead. We’re about the same size… though your shoulders are broader, of course. Still, I have some loose blouses that might fit.”
“Why would you think that?”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.
“Well… earlier at the restaurant, I thought your eyes looked a little different while watching that program… Was that too much of a leap? But what does it matter? I meant what I said. I don’t find it particularly unpleasant when men wear women’s clothes. Though I do think it would be even better if they did their makeup properly and spoke a little more softly…”
I kept smiling as I smoked, meeting his eyes. Unless he was a true liar, eyes didn’t lie.
“Oh, the mood’s getting weird. Don’t make that serious face. I didn’t suggest a pajama party just to see you look like that. I wanted to treat you as a friend I could talk to openly, without thinking of you as a man.”
“Ah, I know. Sorry. It’s just… a little hard for me to accept what you’re saying…”
My heart sank at those words. I had made a mistake. He wasn’t that kind of person after all. Feeling guilty for having been too hasty, I apologized.
“Oh no, I’m really sorry. I must have gone too far. I didn’t mean anything by it…”
“No, it’s fine. If I gave you that impression, then I must have done something wrong.”
“I’m truly sorry. I got carried away all by myself… hehe… That’s just how I am. No wonder I’ve never met a decent man, hoho…”
An awkward silence fell. I smoked while he drank. Then he suddenly spoke.
“But… you really are something. I never imagined a woman like you existed. I didn’t think there were many women who could accept even a man like that.”
I saw him swallow again. I could even hear the sound. He was clearly nervous. I sensed he wanted to say something that had been weighing on his mind. Maybe my guess hadn’t been wrong after all.
“Thank you for seeing it that way. Though I think it’s less about me being broad-minded and more about how narrow-minded the world is. Life is already a gamble and a game; I hate living while constantly building walls around myself. I just want to enjoy myself. I want to work hard, live happily, and have a happy ending. That’s all.”
I spoke with more sincerity than I had intended. I wanted to talk about a life filled with joy, a life lived for oneself rather than for others. So I kept going.
“To do that… I think the problem starts with judging people by the standards the world has set. That’s all it is. Even now, I wish you’d just say you want to try on my clothes. What’s wrong with a man wearing women’s clothes? It would actually make me feel more comfortable, like I hadn’t brought a man home at all, and you’d get to wear women’s clothes for once… Doesn’t that sound fun? Maybe we’d even grow closer that way…”
“I want to try them on.”
He said it clearly, cutting me off before I finished, stating his decision with surprising firmness. A smile spread across my lips. He smiled back, awkward but genuine. My guess had been right.